ando

My spark, the flame of my life Small and wavering Could I ever hope to open, and show it to another? I fear it will be blown out in a flash That someone, with a press of their fingers would smother and extinguish me like a candle before bedtime I must protect it But if it never feels the warm gentle breeze will it every grow and thrive? And so, I remain cold

No connection Disconnected Empty pit of dead emotions Barren soil Learned too late No branch can grow here No chance at life

Why do I have this feeling, this urge to disappear, to erase my existence To go without a name, without notice Less than a shadow Atoms in a breeze, too faint to detect What holds me back from melding with a sea of normalcy?

distant in space but close in mind flickering light that leads the way powerful and certain that it can change the world, even the heavens but loving and warm attracting the smaller and weaker providing nourishment and sustainment for all to benefit if we tease its flames, will it burn even brighter, or go supernova?

At the start of this week a new visitor came to our office A mouse a Mouse!? Only here to eat crumbs carelessly left aside But a mouse, here?! “Oh, I'll just work elsewhere today” “If you need me, I'll be working over there for now” And so I sit here, alone in our office Wearing a mask, all alone Wondering, why are they so afraid of a small creature only looking for food and shelter While an unseen tiger lurks behind every cough beside every smiling face in the midst of every crowd And I realize, I'd rather take my chance with the mouse.

a warm kindling to a raging inferno everybreatheverythoughteverystepneedtogive wrongandrightandblackandwhiteloseallsignificance just breathe but it's not enough burningandburningandburningandburning thethoughtstheanxietiesthestrugglesthesuccessesthefatigue then, gone in the ashes, what remains? the promise of new life? but at what cost? in a week, a day, a month, a year, a decade, a lifetime?

snif snif a force of habit with no reward or punishment snif snif a blessing and curse from the Virus ambivalent about abnormality snif snif who’s to say what’s good or bad when it’s all sterile to the senses snif snif

Several years back, the closest person I’ve had to a brother had posted several songs and EPs to his YouTube channel (https://www.youtube.com/@_johnnydenim). Unfortunately, he has since deleted most of his older songs. I think it’s because of a bad breakup he was going through at the time of writing many of the songs. One song in particular, titled “Out of the Loop”, resonated with me and I still listen to it in my head from time to time. I can still remember most of the lyrics, which were (unsurprisingly) looped many times during the song:

I'm so out of the loop I don't know what to do Can you Help me through This night-mare

It's hard for me to imagine the depths of what he was going through when he wrote this and other songs from that EP. Even though I would almost call him a brother, I have barely talked to him in the last decade. Not for any bad reason, but that is just my personality. If someone or something isn't forced in front of me regularly, I quickly start to erase it from my thoughts and habits, until it is nothing more than a faint wisp of remembrance. Or to say it another way, I am very much “out of the loop” with most things going on with people that are not immediately in my daily life, even if I (should) care about them otherwise. At this point, I have very little connection to his current self. But, those songs remind me of my past and bring about a strange longing for home. I can feel the sub-suburban, near-dystopian futility, Midwestern skate-punk of his youth, which I was much more closely involved with. He wrote these songs and others about his love and heartbreak of the time. While I feel a sense of nostalgia listening and thinking about his sounds, about his struggles in life, considering them in more depth brings about a bitterness and unease with my own life. My “out of the loop” makes me almost actively avoid contact and interaction with people. Due to that, how could I ever manage to make a connection to someone on a level that would move my inner self in that kind of way, that I would be able to share my soul with another and be enriched by it. A connection that if severed would cause me pain. It's something that I have slowly been thinking about for many years now, in particular after a few fleeting attempts at online dating. I think ultimately, with the way I am, it's better that I just accept that I will likely spend my life alone (or rather, probably become a crazy cat person). I think accepting this realization has been better for my overall health, but it still doesn't make the longing completely go away. Part of me still hopes that perhaps one day, someone will be forced into my life in a way that enables such a connection. But until that happens or I pass away, I will likely continue to remain “out of the loop”.

the Earth is on fire the Air is on fire my eyes and mouth are on fire Important people argue with fire in their Words and Accusations we can only hope that fire remains in the hearts of those who fight for love, justice, and freedom before Fire consumes us all

Blue or Pink? Out or In? Strong or Soft? But what if neither describes me? Powerful or powerless? Oppressor or oppressed? Emotionless or alive? But where do I fit? Life isn’t always binary Any maybe neither am I