The Horizon I Couldn't Reach: A History of My Political Game Design – Introduction

我是 2019 年開始在推特 / itch.io 的英語獨立 TRPG 圈子發布自己的作品；2021 年因為寫了一個讓我朋友想自殺的遊戲與圈子隔離，只跟少數人繼續聯絡，最後完全斷絕所有關係。

2019 was when I started publishing my work in the anglophone Twitter / itch.io indie TTRPG scene; because of writing a game that made my friend want to commit suicide, I started isolating myself from the scene in 2021, only continuing to interact with a few people, until eventually cutting off contact from everybody in 2022.

因此，我的政治遊戲設計也反映了這樣的發展。還在圈子裡的時候，我還是很關心如何迎合圈內大部分算是激進自由主義者的人—其實那時候我也算是激進份子。那時候，除了模糊的「左派」，我還是不敢利用其他更詳細的詞來形容自己的政治思想，因為我怕很多東西：怕選錯了主義、怕不懂主義冒充主義者的身分、怕選的主義會造成的分歧。忘了哪時候改變，但我知道到了 2021 年離開圈子之前，我堅定地形容自己是無治主義者；再到了 2023 年底才換到目前的極左派者。我的政治思想變得越明確，遊戲的政治要旨也變得更公然；我變得越孤立，遊戲的設計也越獨斷專行。

Accordingly, my political game design has reflected this development. When I was still in the scene, I was still very concerned with appealing to other insiders who were mostly radlibs—and actually at that time I was a radlib too. Back then, besides the nebulous label of “leftist,” I still didn't dare to use any more descriptive term to describe my political thinking, because I was afraid of many things: afraid of choosing the wrong ideology, afraid of falsely claiming to be the follower of an ideology I didn't understand, afraid of disagreements caused by my chosen ideology. I don't remember when this changed, but I know that by 2021 before leaving the scene, I firmly described myself as an anarchist; it wasn't 'til the end of 2023 that I changed again to the present ultraleftist. As my political thinking became more certain, the political messages of my games became more overt; as I became more isolated, the design of my games became more autocratic.

過去幾年，我學到了很多東西。然而，如果你問今天的我自己的政治遊戲設計綱領是什麼，我並無法回答—而且我也不確定需要回答。拋棄了 TRPG 的共同體之後，我常常覺得寫 TRPG 最後只是自己在跟自己講話。我可以再次創造新的綱領，但是誰能給我綱領效力的肯定？我是唯一能問責自己的人。在這種情況之下，我覺得綱領頂多是個自己拿來鼓勵自己的東西。我沒興趣這樣做。對我有興趣的是搞懂自己到底做過了什麼事，明白哪些門路是死路。迄今為止，這是我最詳盡的努力。

Over the past few years, I've learned a lot of things. Even so, if you asked me today what my program for political game design is, I wouldn't have an answer—and I'm not even sure I'd need an answer. After giving up TRPG communities, I've often felt that writing TRPGs just ends up being an exercise in talking to myself. I can come up with new programs again, but who can affirm their efficacy? I'm the only one who can hold myself accountable. In this kind of circumstance, I feel like a program at most is just something I can use to congratulate myself. I have no interest in doing so. What I am interested in is figuring out exactly what I have done so far, and understanding what doorways lead to dead ends. To date, this is my most comprehensive attempt.