Because I used my own loophole. I only cared about how many real videos I watched. I just dismissed the other types.

But to recover, I can't do this. I need to face the reality that I still have a big problem.

It is not ideal. I have to force myself to see everything as a porn relapse. I have been unconsciously not doing it.

But I think this is something that should happen. Otherwise I will always be not in track with reality. Just having data alone is not enough, the interpretation and emphasis is also important.

I have changed what I use, yes. But it is not as important as I had thought. TLDR: Anything you might question as porn or not is porn. And stay from it. You know deep down whether it will helpful to continue using it become the person you want to be.

I do watch video porn much less than I used to. I have also massively reduced using real people for masturbation. But other than feeling less guilty sometimes after masturbation. I don't think it changed things much for me.

Whatever type of sexual media it is, it is porn for me. Yes all of them are porn. Erotica may seem harmless but I think it is the worst. Here are some things that different types did for me.

Straight video porn. It just made me very numb. Repress my emotions. It also made me slightly misogynistic.

Hentai/ doujinshi – Too many weird things. And I think it made me dislike real people. I haven't really used it that much or I don't know what else changed yet. I think I got ntr, at start from here.

Pornhwas – In almost every fucking one, the protagonist is a creep or a rapist. It just trivializes it. That study about people reducing sentencing comes to mind. At first I used to close those ones but now it has become normal that I just read other language versions to not understand it.

Porn games – They make you disinterested in real people. Many games are creepy, manipulative, etc. They are too long too.

Erotica – It just makes you more and more weird. I don't want to even talk about it. This is the worst. It makes me question who I am, what I am. And for the wrong reasons. It has warped my ethics. It makes me question my sexuality, manliness(I never thought I would type this out), etc. It just exacerbates everything.

What I want to say is that. Although I can say to myself that I have reduced contributing to the industry. The truth is I am just contributing to different part of the same thing.

Sure yes, I am reduced my demand by almost 50 percent to video porn. But it is not enough. And I have increased my demands to other types. I am saying video count, ads, etc. Not paying.

So, if you feel like you are special. You can overcome porn in a different way, etc. I urge you to stop looking for ways, things to replace porn with. Just as easy it is to say and not do it, I will still say. For us addicts, abstinence/ recovery is the goal.

Because, at the end of the day, for addicts the desensitization will eventually lead back to where you start or an even worser place.

There is no good porn for addicts. Only no porn.

#nsfw #nsfc #explicit

Porn addiction may seem mild to say alcohol, drugs, etc. So I tend to think it is not that big of a deal. It may also seem like everyone uses porn, so even if you use it more it won't seem that bad. It may depend on where you live too I guess.

But at the same time we should not make porn addiction or recovery our main focus. I am not sure about medical programs, retreats, etc. I am just saying this for somewhat serious addicts not very serious addicts.

Focusing on not doing something is bad, we know from our experiences. Similarly focus should be on the betterment of life. Like habits, goals, etc you want to have, achieve.

Going on the bad path was so easy. You don't even need to do anything.

I think the quote that if you are not improving or becoming better you are becoming worse is true. There is no stagnation. It is just very slow deterioration.

I need others help to go back to the better path/ flow. But I am too fucking stubborn to ask for help. I am writing here.

Ex: “I can never consistently do something”, “I can never be perfect”, “I am not good enough to be loved”, “I am not the best person I know” , etc. The list goes on and on. I don't want to bore you.

I also realized that knowing more about your flaws doesn't make much of a difference if that is all you know. If I remember the no of times I have journaled about my good qualities, achievements and compare it to the fuckups, relapses, etc. It is a ridiculously bad ratio.

The things that I thought were important knowing your problems, listing them, etc are not very good for me on its own. It should be balanced with the good things about you, what you are good at, etc. So, it is not just about knowing your weakness. You also need to know your strengths.

The workbook also talks about Rules and Assumptions. It is actually quite good. I have so many rules. I used to refer these rules as fixed thinking or black boxes. But rules and assumptions make so much more sense. I can't immediately break all the rules. But knowing that these rules are not based on facts but your own biased opinions helps a lot in dismantling them. Ex: “You can't love others without loving yourself”, “You can only become successful after you control yourself”(Aristotle quote something), etc.

Currently, I have no social life. I have no idea what to do in life. I have bigger issues than PA. Even this rule of “You can't be successful unless you overcome your addiction” is a crutch. It is very conditional and it makes no sense. There are so many successful people(whatever measure) using porn or addicts. So, it is not based on facts. And it is just something that I want. Yes, I do want to be free from porn. But adding this to success only makes life harder for me.

Accepting yourself is very important. Only then you can change. But you don't need to accept only the bad parts of yourself. You need to embrace the good parts more. You can change the bad parts slowly but surely. But you need to be happy about the good parts.

Ultimately focusing only on PA is not going to be helpful for an addict. I need to change my life. It needs real change. Not just browsing about not fapping and condemning porn in internet. I need to change as a person and become someone I would be proud of. I am once again going to stop thinking about things that are depressing and out of anyone's control.

I have relapsed. The streak was just luck to be quite honest. I may have thought differently. But the truth is 10 mins of meditation a day won't change 10+ hours of internet. I truly need a system. I need help. Even getting help is in one of my stupid rules.

“Your life won't change unless you will it. Life will not change automatically.”

I am making meditation my habit. I have started waking up early. But it is not enough. 10 days of meditating out of 30 days this month. Waking up early is good, but sleeping early and waking up fresh is the whole package. I need to start working out. I am not completely out of shape so that's a good thing. But how many years am I going to be like this?

It is not just new habits. I may need to revaluate my mindset too. Become more positive or at least neutral, set more goals, face challenges. Ask help from others.

#update: Okay so I checked the dates. Since my last post was 21 st and 5 days. Where did the remaining days go. So, according to my excel sheet. I haven't updated it since 16 th. So, now it is actually 12 days. I may have given the wrong track in the discord group I joined. I also found another discord group for porn recovery. This group is very structured. It has nofap, easypeasy and another one. This one is new. I mean it is just a combination of the other two done by a youtuber. But they call themselves the Porn Reboot. It is very systematic. I really like this.

I have also joined a discord group. Someone invited me. The group seems nice. People are helping others. I don't really know what I am going to do there. But I think it would be good for me to be there.

Now, there is only a single file. You can easily do this with the coldturkey blocker for free. Other options weren't free.

Pastebin doesn't accept it. So I have used Privatebin. This link will work for one year.

June 2022

Password: pornfree (all lowercase)

Mainstream video porn and erotica may be vastly different. But in truth for a porn addict they are very similar. They satisfy a need/craving. So once the dopamine from the activity gets less you start seeking more novel, etc. So eventually it leads to mainstream video porn.

So, don't be like me. I have always used this justification that not every one of my PMO is due to video porn. Then not everything is due to real people. Etc. These things can make you feel nice. Maybe if you don't have porn addiction or very new to porn addiction it could even work.

But personally for me it is not working. I need to completely stop all kinds of porn.

I know that deep down. I still feel like porn is amazing. I need to change this feeling. Or use that to real life or make it useful to me somehow.

I once wanted to create content that is against porn. But now it is mostly my journey as a porn addict. Fuck. Anyways. Life is life. I will one day not be a hypocrite who watches porn and is against it.

It still leads to escalation, craving, etc. In my opinion it still retains your brain in a porn addicted mind. Just that for now you can use substitutes.

See this

I am going to stop classifying much about types of porn, etc. I think it is enough for excuses.

I am going to uninstall my free vpn, some browsers, etc. There is actually no need for that much compartmentalization or privacy. I don't need four browsers in my phone. In fact I don't actually need a browser. I can just delay searching unless required.

I am going to follow all the good things I have learnt from nosurf, loverafterporn, pornfree together.

Offline first approach. It is easy to get stuck in the online world. But like that amazing post. Curate and then download. And only consume those. Because if I always go online I get overloaded and it leads to indecision.