Introspection – I Offer You Nothing
During Valentine's Day, I saw people celebrating it. That's normal, but somehow, it made me feel weird...maybe inadequate, even, for not doing anything. Sure, it was election day (which was frankly quite stressful), and it's not unusual for me to not do anything...so why did I feel this way? I know very well how silly it is, but at that moment, the feeling was so strong, I wanted to make a Twitter thread. The problem isn't Valentine's Day or celebrations, it's something else: the inaction of not doing anything when it seems so many people around you do.
This is an introspection of my thoughts and myself, the far longer version of this tweet. Warning: this entire thing is silly and might be quite incoherent. I tried.
Not to sound all self-important and it's not like I have a lot of followers, but sometimes I wonder, other than my close friends, why do people follow me on social media?? What do they expect to gain from following me?? I only draw and write once in a blue moon, I don't make helpful or funny posts. I literally offer nothing and I'm not being self-depreciating.
I know very well I'm not very talkative...in other words, I don't post much other than livetweets of streams. I mostly just RT (A LOT), like, and reply. I rarely post anything of my own and when I do, there is no “substance” in it. Again, I don't know why people follow me, I don't know whether they expect something from me. If they do, then I feel bad because I can't give them what they want, as silly as it is.
And so, I have this eternal dilemma of “this is my account and I'm free to do whatever” VS “I feel bad for posting nothing of interest and being a multi-fandom multi-interest chaos”.
(Though in retrospect, one can gain interaction and connection, a way to build friendship, through following others. Perhaps that is one of the main reasons for many people. I have to admit, there are rare times when I follow someone to interact more and perhaps make friends with them.)
Side note: I know the word “content creator” feels icky to many people, because it may denotes that creators only make “content” for mindless consumption, with no merit or artistry, as though they're machines. I personally don't feel that way. I like that term because it finally encompasses not only illustrators (usually referred to as “artists” even though by definition, it includes jobs other than illustrators), but also writers, video makers, etc. In other words, it includes those I think have less popularity or standing or are often excluded in the internet. Or at least, that's what I think. I know some game companies think content creators only encompasses video makers. Ahh, semantics. (That is a rant for another day.)
Still, I must admit, on the current landscape of the internet, there exists “content” for mindless consumption. “Content” coming out every single day, overwhelming one's senses and time. I don't use TikTok and don't consume YouTube Shorts (except for Holostars stuff), but perhaps...have I been affected as well? That everything around me is content, everyone around me is making content, so even someone as uncaring as me still feel some pressure to create something, too? My point is: might this be one of the reasons I feel this way? Hmm.
Speaking of Valentine's Day, I've never been a very festive person myself. I don't see a very big deal in birthdays, even my own, let alone other festivities/celebrations. I think my kamioshi's birthday and anniversary are important, but even that is not enough to spur me to do something at times.
As a poor college student, I don't have much money, so I can't really buy commissions. When I have money, my priorities are elsewhere. So I have to be self-sufficient, making things myself for myself (which I've been doing for a long time now – I'm so used to it, I didn't think of buying commissions for a long time thanks to this mindset), but oftentimes, I don't have enough time, energy, and motivation. I'm too dead mentally, especially in recent years.
This might be weird, but I'm satisfied enough with just fantasizing (about my ships, OCs, etc) and maybe say it to my closest friends once in a while. I don't really feel the need to put it into words/drawings and especially not external validation from numerous other people. I'm a simple and easy bear, even one person would suffice should I want it.
In a similar vein, I don't really have any big desire to have more people know about my ships or OCs (though I joke about “spreading gospel” sometimes because it's funny). I don't really desire many interactions, just one or two is enough for me already. I might feel differently before, but not anymore. “Why do you create, then?” Simple. Just because I want to do it.
I might not care much about or need engagement/external validation, but sometimes, even I want a little bit of it, too. There are times when I post things in public because I want others to see it. Other times, it's more specific, like wanting new people to see what I've made in the past. And so...when nobody engages with it, I feel defeated. If nobody is going to read or respond to it, what's the point? Why should I say anything in public?? If I don't get anything, I think that defeats the point of posting things publicly. Though that begs the question, “Why post things publicly in the first place?”, and that's not something I can answer with certainty. I haven't found an answer to that.
“You put your fanfics in Archive of Our Own and post your drawings in Tumblr and Twitter. Why do that, then?” That is a good question. For me, the act of merely posting a work is mostly for archival purposes – this is especially true in Archive of Our Own. I post and forget about them. Or in other words, you can say I throw them out in the wild and let them be. If someone wants to see it, it's there. Naturally, I'd be happy if someone sees and enjoys it. If nobody does, then so be it. That's all.
Twitter was once a place where I dumped my thoughts, events in my life, media consumption, etc – a lot of things in my life, almost like an open diary, for some reason. But for various reasons, I had since moved past that (save for livetweeting streams). I dump them in my journal (in Obsidian app) now, so oftentimes, I don't feel the need to say it all over again in public – that takes more effort. I won't lie, one of the reasons why I wrote all of this in this blog is because my journal entry is a bit too messy now and I'm too lazy to clean it up lol (I'll do it later. At least writing that jumbled-up mess in my journal helped to make this post more coherent). And well, in a way, I made this blog exactly for this kind of things – to ditch Twitter threads but still write down my thoughts in a somewhat coherent manner in public, should anyone want to read it. Though I don't really expect anyone to read this blog.
Despite how I might seem, my mind is actually pretty loud. So loud I can't possibly put everything into words. Also, other than Japanese fictional media such as anime, manga, and light novel (which I mainly talk about in Mastodon because, 1) I don't trust Twitter's future, 2) Mastodon's 500 characters limit is nicer for that, 3) I'm too lazy to cross-post. By the way, these mostly came from my journal), games, ships, and OCs – namely the usual fandom stuff, I'm into coding and commercial aviation. Sometimes, I suffer while coding that I screamed and I have loud thoughts about aviation, but I don't really say them much in public because, who cares? But in the same vein, why should I care? Perhaps I'm still a bit too shy. Or, again, perhaps I'm too tired to put them into words publicly. Who knows. Maybe I'll try to rectify that, maybe I won't.
I don't know how to end this. I don't even know what exactly is my main point is from all of this. Initially, I just want to let it out and try to understand my own thoughts, though I admit this might be a bit too open and embarrassing for public space (even I still have some shame left in my veins, wow!). Perhaps the takeaway is: I'm a weirdo.
I think that's all I want to say for now. If I have anything else to add, I'll edit this post.