hiimshayn

Today I realized something about why I feel so overwhelmed by communicating with people over text.

I have so many unread messages sitting in my Instagram inbox, my Discord DMs, my email... it feels endless and inescapable. And I know I'll never be able to respond to them (and the new ones that will inevitably follow) in a sustainable way. I never have spoons for this kind of prolonged conversation.

But I now know why these conversations require so much energy from me.

It's because of masking!

I have conversational flowcharts in my head. I reference them during nearly every conversation I have:

• Start by asking how they're doing
• Respond to whatever it is that they say, specifically by asking them questions or by paraphrasing what they said and extrapolating upon it so they know you care and are paying attention
• Don't talk about yourself and the random ideas you have ping-pong-ing around in your head too much; they probably don't care
• If they share something they're interested in, always try to ask questions so they feel like you're interested in the thing they're interested in
• If they're having a hard time, offer support in some way
• If they express some kind of emotion, always try to paraphrase it or say something that shows you are empathizing with them
• If you say something direct, end it with an emoji or a “lol” so they know you're not being aggressive or confrontational

There are so many of these rules that I'm always trying to keep in mind during any social interaction. But when I look at that list all laid out this way, it's easy to see how exhausting that would become. It's easy to see why I would get overwhelmed and just drop it all.

But the thing is, usually the people that I talk with aren't neurotypical. They probably don't care if I do any of those things on my list. In fact, they'd probably be more comfortable if I didn't do them, because that would signal that they don't have to do those things either.

I'm going to try and keep this in mind. I'm going to try and explain this to some of the people I've been ghosting. Hopefully, I can stop resorting to my flowcharts and start relating in a more authentic way with the people I feel I can trust.