I'm Here

I'm definitely in a depressive rut. I don't know why I feel like that's such a profound thing to say, especially for me. I just think it's important to honor feelings like that, especially when they're as simple and free of conflict as this one is. I guess it helps me avoid CPTSD spin-outs, too.

. . . after some reflection, I wonder if I'm not depressed so much as releasing some of the unhealthy anxiety that has been driving me since I was . . . uh. . . . born. I get this idea from the fact that I'm doing something that I've only done in very rare periods of my life: procrastinating on work and not constantly looking for work to do. I know these are things that most normal people do instinctively, which is why they so easily become bad habits. Right now I'm lounging on the couch writing my little blog while my wife thinks I'm preparing to teach. I almost never play that kind of hooky. And the times when I have been this easy-going have tended to be the happier periods of my life. I also think I might not be depressed because I'm actually feeling more confident in my work and relationships lately, and I'm getting better rest and exercise. It's easy for the trauma survivor to mistake a change in pace for the all-too-familiar downward spiral.

It also feels like I'm no longer trying to take neurotic control over the world around me -not in a particularly assholish way, just obsessively “doing” all the time so as to not feel the guilt of resting and being passive. Anyway, that's how it feels now that I've had a good cry about it.

Ok, this has been a good example of writing helping to clarify my thoughts and feelings. I need to do this more often.

And fuck AI.