I'm Here

I hate the fact that I'm returning to this blog because of another fuckup in my marriage caused by CPTSD and drinking. I'm too disgusted with myself to continue writing, actually.

Later: I'm trying to keep things in perspective. I'm trying to remember that I became this way because of my parents' severe emotional neglect and that the impulses and flashbacks I have aren't my fault.

I have a hard time writing about these things. Probably because my emotions themselves are so conflicted. Sometimes I feel doomed to repeating old habits, like all my efforts at recovery can do nothing but space out my breakdowns a little more and make my misery a little less constant. Other times I feel recovered, like I've truly turned over a new leaf (like when I came up with the title for this blog); or at least that I have no choice but to keep moving forward. But moving forward like this is disheartening and terrifying. Am I fooling myself by thinking I can change? How many times can I disappoint myself and get back up again?

I don't know what to do. I wish it were enough for me to get up in the morning and do the things I need to do without some other part of me getting in the way. I need to do parts work. But I also knew that I needed to do visualization and grieving, which I did, only to screw up again later on.

It's a strange thought, but I would rather experience constant failure from a healthy person's perspective than live my current, somewhat successful life with my damaged perspective. Why is my own head such an enemy to the very many good things in my life? It makes me feel like I don't deserve them.