I'm Here

It took a few days for me to get up the motivation to try my new resolution at all. I just don't . . . want to do it. I don't want to meditate or do cardio. I'm definitely depressed. I don't think I've had quite this flavor of depression in a long time. My usual energy is actually quite nervous, always looking for and usually finding things to do to occupy my mind. I'm always trying to think of things I can do to “save time” later, even though I never seem to take advantage of that time with rest. An avoidant anxiety, to be sure. But lately I just can't care what I'm doing. I'm fine whiling the day away getting high and playing games on my phone. I don't want to improve anything. I don't want to work. I don't want to exercise. I don't even want to rest. I just plainly and petulantly DON'T WANT TO. And I feel this strange moral right to not want to.

I think I'm just crashing, to be honest. I finally got some real rest this weekend after weeks of one stress after another. That's probably the only reason I had the energy today to hold off on weed until 3 pm (my daily life is extremely boring), do 30 mins of cardio, and do a token “meditation” session just sitting there ruminating. Baby steps.