KS I had been seeing a young woman, KS (can’t call her K because that’s for my first ex) from a fe months before I deployed, up through the deployment, and finally ended it when I returned stateside. If you’re asking why, here’s the deal: we had had a bit of a rocky relationship through the deployment – primarily because she didn’t believe in the idea of military service – and when we landed at Fort Bragg, it came to a head.
She had graduated high school the summer that I was deployed and did nothing afterwards. No job, no school, nothing! Well, except for fixate on how I was deployed. Constant freaking out emails and other crap to the point that I flat out stopped responding to her for a while – being in an environment where people actively want to kill you is stressful enough without having to contend with a clingy girlfriend with the anxiety level of a Chihuahua on adderal.
Well, when we landed in North Carolina, we ended up getting stuck there for almost a month due to a lazy filing clerk who decided to go on leave and not update anyone.
No, really. Congressmen and Senators were called – the dude ended up losing his job over it. While we were stuck there, lots of people had their families come down and visit – it was great! And I hadn’t decided to break up with her yet. Until… I suggested that she come down and visit me. I was willing to front for the hotel (since she didn’t have a job), but no. she refused to come down because, if she did, then she would have had to come down in a car with my parents – she also didn’t drive – and that would have been “entirely intolerable” for her. Can’t ride in a car for a few hours with someone that you dislike in order to see your boyfriend who has been away at war for a year? Yeah… fuck you.

MD I met MD on Facebook. It was fine – basic chatting, nothing too serious, and then… She lived in Ohio, another state over, and was attending Ohio State-Urbana for nursing. One day she messaged me, upset, because there was a semi-formal dance being held and she didn’t have a date. The only school dance that I had ever been to was Homecoming, once, so I did what I thought was the nice thing and offered to go to the dance with her. I am now 94.89103854% convinced that it was a setup because… two days after I had agreed to come out to meet her, “oh no, the dance has been canceled! Will you still come?” And I did. Took the Greyhound out to meet her. Figured that we would meet and hang out with some of her friends and the like.
Nope. All that we did was have sex. A lot of it. Over the course of the weekend. In her dormitory. I visited her several more times, met her family –her mother really liked me, as did her twin two-year old nephews – she came and visited me, met my family, and I took her to my cousin’s wedding. A key thing that I need to point out at this juncture is that I did my best to make sure that my visits did NOT disrupt her studies. Unfortunately… She ended up being put on “academic probation.” Messaged me, freaking out about what to do – a similar thing happened to me at Westminster College, so I tried my best to calm her down. I couldn’t move out there to be with her due to my obligation with the Reserves, but she could have moved out to Pittsburgh to be with me. Could get a job and attend the local community college. I was running through all of the possibilities in my head when I got the email from her. “I joined the Army as an army nurse! Shipping off to basic training tomorrow! I love you!” I wish that I could say that I was supportive of her choice, but I was pissed off. Less about the fact that she had enlisted and more about the fact that she hadn’t thought to tell me that it was something that she was considering. We WERE in a serious, committed relationship, and you don’t make major life decisions like that without at least giving your partner a warning first. I received a few letters from her during BCT that I did my best to respond enthusiastically and encouraging to, until I got the “Dear John” letter from her about how she couldn’t continue a relationship with me because she was going to be stationed in Korea. Understandable. I wished her good luck in her career and moved on, thinking that was going to be the last that I ever heard from her. About six months later I received a series of frantic facebook messages from her. Apparently, she had ‘fallen in love’ with her (married) team leader, slept with him a bunch of times, and he had gotten her pregnant.
She received an article-15 (reduction in rank and half pay forfeited for two months plus extra duty) and was told to stay away from him. She didn’t, got caught, and was in the process of being chaptered out of the Army with a bad conduct discharge. (This was in 2008 and you had to ROYALLY fuck up in order to get a bad conduct discharge.) This is another instance in which, in hindsight, I wish that I had been a nicer, or at least less blunt, person at the time. I was neither nice nor comforting.

As a result, any time that my mother’s nieces and nephews (our cousins from her side of the family who all lived in the Midwest) or our distant cousins from New York, or Florida (or anywhere outside of Pittsburgh) would come to visit, one of us would have to act as the “official” unofficial standard English to Pittsburghese and back translator between the local family and the visiting family. We would take turns doing it (there are four of us, after all) based on who was visiting and what our availability was. The last time that I had to act as a translator was when I went home in 2018 for my younger sister Amber’s wedding.

Randi and Ryan (my mother’s niece and nephew) had flown in from Kansas, and everyone was meeting at my (paternal) grandmother’s house for the pre-wedding picnic. Aunt Tina saw us as we walked into the back yard, ran up to us, and gave each of us a big hug.

“O ma Gawd! ‘Ow yinz ben doon?! Ain’ seen yinz guys in a coon’s age! Wut’s it ben, fiv yeers?”

Ryan grinned awkwardly, unsure of what was happening, so I stepped in.

“I’ve been good. Just working, travelling, and relaxing. Haven’t really been up to much else, really. It’s been two years, I think, since I was home last.”

After making it past the Tina hurdle, I guided them to the grill, where my sister’s fiancé Rizzo was talking with some of my local cousins. He was a writer for the local paper, so he definitely, 100%, knows standard English, so I don’t understand why he chose to speak in Pittsburghese. Maybe Amber told him about how we translate for others and thought that it would be funny or something, I don’t know.

“Yello, I’m Rizzo. Welcome to Pixberg. Yinz must be Ryan and Randi. We gots some kabosy grillin’. Yinz can toss some sarkrot on a bun and get some eats. We also gots Jumbo, Hienz, an’at if’n yinz want a sammich’ instead.”

After we got our food and sat down, Randi and Ryan began to discuss what they wanted to do after the wedding. Immediately, my older cousin Mickey plopped down on the table next to me, interjecting himself into the conversation.

“’Scuse me, don’ mean t’be nebby, but’cha need t’see all’a t’city, not just dahntahn. Hit the strip, catch a bar in the Sou’ Sih, walk through sum o’t’parks in t’Nor’ Sih (jus’ don’ take anyone’s parkin’chairs), an’ most important, yinz can’t leave pixberg w’out takin’ t’Incline up Moun’ Warshington (jus’ don’ try climin’ it, too slippy). Yinz can see t’whole city, an’ oll three rivers, the Mon, the AllyGheny, and the Ohio. It’s bootiful. Too bad ‘s summer, if’n twer later yinz could see t’Stillers”

Before I could explain what Mickey was trying to say, my nephew Christain (not a typo, that’s how my sister spelled his name on his birth certificate) walked past us with what appeared to be a six pack of beer stuffed in his shirt (he was eighteen and had just enlisted in the Marines). I looked at him and he froze, dropping all six of the beers on the ground.

“Don’ tell m’mum. ‘ll get on punishment. Yinz wan’ some Arn City? ‘s better than pop.”

“What she goan do t’ya,” Mickey asked him.

“Las’ time, I had to reddup t’whole house! Run t’sweeper, organize all o’t’clickers, warsh the dish rags and hand warsh her babushka’s. An’ now I have to run t’cookie table tomorrow. Tried t’argue, but she was like ‘Needs done.’ Don’ matter tha’ there’s a whole buggy o’ Gin’Iggle cookies and cakes.”

Mickey’s jaw dropped. “Yeesh. ‘d rather jump in a crick than do that. Hey gum band arms, Kennywood’s open!.”

The wedding was fine, and they had fun, but to this day neither of them will step foot in Pittsburgh.

Translation guide: Pittsburghese to English

1. Nebby- interested in other people’s business
2. Yinz- plural form of “you” (you all)
3. Dahntahn- downtown
4. Sou’ Sih- South Side, an area of Pittsburgh
5. Pixberg- Pittsburgh
6. “Reddup”- clean up
7. Jumbo/chipped ham – a type of thinly sliced ham lunch meat
8. Cookie table – dessert table, specifically for cookies, specifically for wedding receptions
9. Slippy- slippery
10. “Kennywood’s open.” –colloquial term for letting someone know that their pants zipper is open.
11. Nor Sih – North Side, an area of Pittsburgh
12. Warsh/woosh – wash
13. Warshington – Washington
14. Moun’ Warshington – Mount Washington, an area of Pittsburgh
    
15. Parking Chair – chair used to save a parking spot
16. Kabosy an’ Sarkrot – kielbasa and sauerkraut, traditional meal eaten on New Years Eve.
17. The Mon – Monongahela River
18. Stillers – Pittsburgh Steelers Football Team
19. Gin’ Iggle – Giant Eagle, a local grocery store
20. Buggy – shopping cart
21. Crick – creek
22. Get some eats – get something to eat
23. Gum bands – rubber bands
24. Pop – soft drink
25. Sweeper – vacuum cleaner
26. Clicker – remote control
27. Face/dish rag – wash cloth
28. Needs done – needs to get done
29. Yello – hello
30. Heinz – ketchup
31. Sammich – sandwich
32. Babushka – scarf that women wear on their heads
33. Arn city – Iron City, a local brand of beer produced and drank in Pittsburgh
34. Coon’s age – a very long time.
35. An’at -and that. There are other things.
36. If’n – if
37. On punishment – grounded
38. Yeesh – “oh my god”