Wept.
#alpha New sofa setting. 18th. He switched the layout of his room in order to accommodate his sofa. For me.
I had a kinda terrible flashback yesterday while reading manga. I didn't know the content would be triggering for me. It was scary. I talked about it while curling up on the sofa.
I was tired. I was sad. I talked about things I haven't touched on. I talked about things I haven't planned to talk about. But it was good. Because I would not be talking behind a “prepared mask”.
I showed more of my real self today. I told this to him. He said I haven't got into the “real” part at the beginning, but later I did. I laughed. It's true.
More real me. But still not real enough. Deep down I know.
While I was talking about the thing again, his tone was becoming more and more sad. There was a point when I believe he was on the verge of crying again. But he readjusted himself and didn't. Hah,,, so cute... I wanted to sit up from the sofa to see his adorable face with pinkish misty eyes. But I know I couldn't. Because I was not supposed to look at his face. That was the reason for moving the sofa in at the first place. And I didn't have the energy to sit up anyways.
It was sad.
I am scared of letting people down. We talked about it. He apologised. But it wasn't his fault.
It was terrible, wasn't it.
While he was escorting me back to the entrance,
“Fuck the world!” He said. “That is my motto. And you should learn it too.”
And my HRV is finally... finally... back to “normal” at 39ms. It has been non-stop “overload” at 10ms for two consecutive days. Blogging really does help, huh.
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