love

#alpha Diary for my therapist. 134k words, 247 pages and counting. Not including annotations. Not including diagrams and whatnot. Not including audio files. Not including video clips. Not including my playlists.

He read it all. He read all my entries. He felt all my emotions. He read through my annotations. He studied my self-made relationship diagrams. He looked at my drawings. He listened to my audio recordings and tried to understand, despite not knowing my family's dialect. He watched my long ass home tour video. He listened to the tunes I created and sent him.

And he remembers. Whenever I brought them up during therapy. He remembers.

Yet, it seems, there was no echo.

He finally started to answer my calling on the 205th page. And continuing since.

He participated.

He is not a glacier, after all.

He was observing for the whole time. And he finally decided it is time to take action.

We also tried new innovative ways in therapy. He took a step further. He didn't have to. Yet he did just for me. It is starting to work better. Ever so slightly.

But I didn't seem to trust him, still. I can't. I wanted to. It was painful. It sucks.

So much resilience from my subconsciousness. For what???? I am disappointed in myself.

He is just so patient. He is still waiting. I know.

It hurts.

: ¨ ·.· ¨ : ` · .. · '