nefola

cw: transition, medical stuff, dysphoria, messy feelings, covid, tattoos

i am at a stage with hormones where i take them for granted and want them to finish up already. that does make me feel like a dick. but im just not alone in feeling that at this point

i like all of the changes so far. look at any photo of me and you can tell why. i remember bits of joy from the first year. all of the breasts coming in excitement and being glad to cry. then there is a blink in my memory and i am most of the way done. that's mostly covid's fault

i am on board with what is to come. however

recently estrogen has been making my disability worse and i am sick of it. my feet have always caused me pain and i have always had poor physical stamina. its just that some mix of abnormally low testosterone and high energy consumption from changes makes it worse. i am so ready to be free from my body dumping every spare ounce of energy into growing my boobs and distributing fat. i love those things but i hate how tired they make me. it has been so bad we changed hosts for the first time ever this year

i only really conceptualize surgery, med changes, and body mods as transition things now. when i started everything was transition. but also when i started i was just wrong about being nonbinary. estrogen really is just late puberty for me. i started estrogen just before turning 17 with testosterone puberty not even halfway done. its the only externally noticeable change to my body i have known. well except for relatives snooping as hard as possible for any noticeable signs of puberty

going on progesterone was transition but being on it isnt. it changing how i think and feel so suddenly. what is left to do that is transition are tattoos and the two things that would shut up the paranoid dysphoria voices that got engrained in me before i started blockers. those are tied into me being trans. having my pubery go three or four years late isnt

it is an objectively trans experience. it just doenst line up with a “traditional” second pubery. that makes it feel like a me experience

this whole deal spitting me out into gender correct adulthood after dissociating through the internal build up has made the way i socialize even stranger. this whole thing could be about the relationship with sex that has built me. a relationship that is somehow okay but shouldn't be

i have some feelings about how not visibly trans i am. they have calmed down since i had wrote and took down “you should take a look at me”. its mostly a sense of community isolation. which is fake most of the time. there is also the whole thing where i dont trust some trans women to be normal about my body, more than the normal amount of nobody really being normal about trans bodies. luckly i usually don't talk to those people much in the first place

dont take 200 mg/day of micronized progesterone. i did that, it was bad. makes you crazy

in short, getting the stars painted into the skin of my boobs will be more important than growing them