relationships

Series: Communicating effectively 1/3 – Requests (#1) vs. Needs (#3).

◉ F̲̲A̲̲C̲̲T̲̲ ◉ F̲̲E̲̲E̲̲L̲̲I̲̲N̲̲G̲̲ ◉ R̲̲E̲̲Q̲̲U̲̲E̲̲S̲̲T̲̲ ◉
💬 When I drove to work today, I noticed that the car is nearly out of gas (FACT). I felt annoyed and I got angry (FEELING). When you use the car to run errands, I would like you to refill the tank (REQUEST).

• separate recent o̲̲b̲̲s̲̲e̲̲r̲̲v̲̲a̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲ (“empty tank”) from suspected chain of events (“someone did not fill the tank up”, “someone was careless”, “someone had to run errands late at night”, “someone decided that sharing a single car would be a 'great idea'” etc.) and refer only to the former: the most reliable observation (“fact”)
• stick to “I”-s̲̲t̲̲a̲̲t̲̲e̲̲m̲̲e̲̲n̲̲t̲̲s̲̲ when expressing emotions; resist t̲̲e̲̲m̲̲p̲̲t̲̲a̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲ t̲̲o̲̲ a̲̲t̲̲t̲̲a̲̲c̲̲k̲̲ and blame (“Why have you done this to me?”, “Can't you be reliable for once?”)
• be very clear about y̲̲o̲̲u̲̲r̲̲ e̲̲x̲̲p̲̲e̲̲c̲̲t̲̲a̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲s̲̲; when addressing a detected unbalance or overstepping of personal boundary, do not phrase your concern as a question or suggestions, but as a friendly and self-assured demand
• it helps when important expectations have been r̲̲e̲̲v̲̲e̲̲a̲̲l̲̲e̲̲d̲̲ by both parties previously, possibly discussed and written down. An established set of rules and continuous exchanges / negotiations enable c̲̲o̲̲n̲̲f̲̲r̲̲o̲̲n̲̲t̲̲a̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲ b̲̲y̲̲ r̲̲e̲̲f̲̲e̲̲r̲̲r̲̲a̲̲l̲̲ (to the rules) and reduce initiator vulnerability
• Routinely p̲̲r̲̲e̲̲s̲̲e̲̲n̲̲c̲̲e̲̲ (in-person, off screens), frequent c̲̲h̲̲e̲̲c̲̲k̲̲-̲̲i̲̲n̲̲s̲̲ (“how was your afternoon?”, “would you like to go out tonight?”), and a̲̲c̲̲t̲̲i̲̲v̲̲e̲̲ l̲̲i̲̲s̲̲t̲̲e̲̲n̲̲i̲̲n̲̲g̲̲ (“right”, “gotcha”, “how __ (adorable, happy, strange)!“, “I wonder what happened to __“, “So... do you to slap this guy in the face now or what?”) all contribute to a bond of u̲̲n̲̲d̲̲e̲̲r̲̲s̲̲t̲̲a̲̲n̲̲d̲̲i̲̲n̲̲g̲̲ and e̲̲m̲̲o̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲a̲̲l̲̲ c̲̲o̲̲n̲̲n̲̲e̲̲c̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲, increasing potential for mutual support during times of hardship, as well as fast recovery after events of disappointment