I'm an artist who values ideas over people
But don't worry my foremost idea is that all people are equal; I just can't get along with them!
The above is not a joke.
Loyalty—what does it mean to you? I've repeatedly bumped up against a conflict between loyalty to people and loyalty to values. I far prefer to be loyal to values. Otherwise I suffer painful cognitive dissonance. But I'll admit that I suffer alienation by prioritizing values. Some pop culture I've enjoyed in the past 3 years explores this topic [perhaps I can find it eventually; I'm not looking for just any example but the rare one that I connected with]. In this unremembered example, those loyal to ideas are presented unfavorably because they cause suffering. What are ideas for if not to improve conditions for actual people? Such is my disagreement with many leftists. Conditions do not exist that permit the imposition of utopian idealism. You can't kill people to freedom, I say.
Humanism is my core ideal. Informed consent. Cooperation. At this stage of history I prefer democracy to anarchy because there are systems in place that can be utilized for good. Commitment to democracy is how I compromise conflicting loyalties, to ideas and to people. I feel that I can support causes that may benefit people.
When I am in contact with people directly I become more stressed. I prefer to share creations and ideas. Online media is wonderful for me, though I have discomfort with the social part of it. When people reply I note a number of styles:
Some reply simply to say, “Atta boy!” These may feel good but do not seem very engaged in discourse.
There is the person sharing their own opinion that is prompted by but not building upon my own. With these responses I either do not acknowledge, barely acknowledge, or try to offer a, “Yes, and...” reply that steers back onto my turf. I once felt annoyed and drawn to argue in such circumstances, but try to resist now. After all, these spaces are freewheeling. They have as much right to say their bit as I do. The fact that they are choosing to do so (what feels like) on top of my own expression is not genuine oppression. I try to shrug off what I do not like.
Very few reply to an idea with full engagement and further development. When this occurs it can be wonderful.
Since I have not provided examples, wtf am I talking about?! Currently I'm annoyed with myself for forcing myself to write. I think this essay is garbage. I am trying to express feelings.
I am antisocial because every society that I have been invited to join holds as a core precept a division of us vs. them. My religion, my region, my skin color, my own damn family. It would be crazy for me to praise Rachel Dolezal (?) but maybe she felt as I do, that the only way to join a good community would be to leave whiteness. Politics is on my mind every day because it is August 2, 2024, and I'm in Florida USA. There are different types of us & them, different ways to acknowledge group identity. Conservatives are annoyed at Democrats holding Zoom calls titled, “White Women For Harris,” and such. They do not understand why they can't do it! Do I even need to explain? US politics, specifically the Democratic Party has been key to my ability to believe in community again. Damn that is corny. I do not like it. But I do like it. It is true.
I like a community built around truth. I like a community that permits respectful disagreement. I see that in the Democratic Party and I like it. I see it more there than even in my own friends.
I don't know how to have friends... I tried a Facebook group for deep discussion. I invited the most frequent responders to my posts. I was the only one posting in the group. I tried a biweekly meeting for meaningful conversation. I canceled all subsequent meetups after the first one drew two other people and no ideas were discussed.
There goes my timer, Thank Glob. I hate this post!
Afterword I dislike prefaces and forewards that comment on a piece of writing before letting us see it for ourselves. I wrote the following as a prefatory note then moved it here to the end. I'd like to rename ADHD to “idea fertility” or something like that, because I do not believe it to be a dysfunction. The issue is communication within time and attention limits. Thus, the reliance on entertaining stories for human communication. As yet I am unable to constrain my ideas into entertaining stories—I'm working towards that goal—so I will employ a time limit. I'm guessing 33 minutes might be effective. I am setting an alarm now and will write what I can in that time.
By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon