soakbell

(Update, January 2025: Not much has changed since I first wrote this, except that everywhere that says “Twitter” should now say “Bluesky” instead.)

This is a longish piece, about my experiences as a client of sex workers in New York City, including everything leading up to a date, different kinds of dates, and lots of random thoughts around the experiences and the industry. But let's start with the heart, even though it's out of order. Warning: this will not be particularly salacious.

The Date

I’m standing on a busy street corner; it’s Tuesday, 3pm. Her email arrives: “I’m in room 312, the elevator doesn't need a key card, so come right up!”

With my heart racing happily in anticipation, I walk down the block to the little boutique hotel and through the lobby. Trying to look like I've been there a million times, I go to the elevators, press Up, and wait for the doors to open.

(I always wonder if the desk staff notice me, if they wonder if I'm really a hotel guest, or suspect why I'm there. But at least in NYC, I'm sure they've seen everything a million times and don't particularly care.)

The elevator takes me to her floor, and I find the room. She's left the door ajar, so I slip boldly in and close it behind me.

And there she is.

She's wearing lingerie, or a robe, a dress, or a nice sweater and jeans. Her smile is beautiful, her eyes say, “Hi! I'm here, I see you, I'm so happy to be meeting you.” We hug, or kiss lightly, commenting on the weather or the hotel or the traffic. If I haven't paid her full fee yet, I subtly take an envelope or a book holding the cash from my bag and put it on the counter by the TV. One or both of us suggest that I take a shower.

After solving the free puzzle that is every hotel's unique water controls, I take a brief but leisurely shower, giving her time to count the cash in the envelope or book and do any clothes-changing or candle-lighting she wants. I like to take my time here, anticipating, and not just rush back out. (Only once have I had a provider call out wondering why I'm taking so long.)

I wrap the towel around my waist, or if I’ve remembered to bring them I put on a clean tee shirt and lounge shorts, before returning to her. And then we are together.

It's not about the sex. Sex, orgasms, do happen, relatively often, but that isn't what it's about; if I just wanted an orgasm, hand cream is far cheaper and more convenient. What it’s about, for me, is her time and attention: being with her, looking into her eyes, touching her shoulder, and generally being amazed that she is here and focused on me, and that she is letting me focus on her. It’s the two of us getting to know each other (the somewhat idealized versions of each other that we choose to show in this context), making each other smile, and sharing a lovely bubble of time specially cut off from the outer world.

So we do that, for two or three hours in the kind of date I'm describing here. She may have music playing, maybe a plate of fruit slices on the side table, bottles of water, or sometimes even chocolate or donuts or something else surprising. I may have brought a little something as well (although I consider myself very bad at choosing gifts, so mostly I just put extra cash in the envelope).

We talk about the world, she shows me pictures of her travels or her pets or her latest skydiving adventure. We tell silly jokes, talk about the music that's playing, tell stories (more or less true, or completely made up) about our lives and the universe. We may discuss the ontological argument for the existence of God, the politics of sex work, the future of cryptocurrency, poetry, the competition structure of WWE, the impact of AI large language models on art and creativity, the best unknown food in NYC, the nature of masculine and feminine energies (all actual examples from actual dates; yes, I'm a nerd). We may even nap (rarely, but it's wonderful).

If I remember to (and I try!) I've asked her about things she likes and doesn't like, and acted accordingly; not necessarily sexual, but also subtler things like having her hair or face or ears touched or kissed. It's easy to assume that everyone likes or dislikes certain things; but in fact people have very different preferences.

When the end of the time approaches, she kisses me softly and asks if I'd like to take another quick shower before getting dressed. I always do, and dry off and put my real-world clothes back on. We exchange a final hug and lingering glance, and I'm back out in the hotel hallway, feeling nurtured and validated, happy and buoyant; like I can now face the world for another quarter, but also wishing I could schedule the next date tomorrow or sooner. A little later we exchange a text or email or two, just saying thank you for the lovely time, hope to see you again soon; maybe sending a link or a poem that we discussed in the date.

My story

I’m not going to say all that much about myself, to preserve discretion and because I don’t matter all that much. I’m a sixty-something mostly-straight male living in and around New York City, working in technology, all too active on social media, married but with a lack of intimacy and connection in my daily life. When I relocated to NYC a number of years ago, I decided to try a session with a “snuggler” (there’s a whole other story there!) and then with full-service providers. I’m writing this account of my experiences mostly for two audiences: potential clients who have questions about what it’s like and how it works, and people who form negative opinions about the sex industry out of ignorance and bad information from the media and other slanted sources.

Caveats

The kind of date I’ve described above is pretty typical of my experiences, but it doesn't capture them all, much less the entire industry. I've used she/her pronouns because that's typical of my dates, but I've also seen he/him and non-binary people (and hope to see more!). It's a date with one person, but I've had one duo (and hope to have more!). It's a date where the provider hosts in a boutique hotel; that's typical, but I've also had dates where I hosted in a hotel, and others where the provider hosted in a non-hotel space (their own apartment or a shared incall or other things). This is an entirely in-private date, but I also have (and very much enjoy) dates where we spend an hour or two before or after sharing a meal (generally lunch, given my schedule) or some other fun public thing.

This is a multi-hour date with an independent provider in NYC, booked over the Web (more on that below) in the $500 to $1000 per hour range. Clients of street or brothel providers, and providers in other areas and price ranges, will have other experiences; I'm talking here mostly about what I know of my own experience. But, again, part of my reason for writing here is that I've encountered a number of anti-sex-work people on social media who seem to know pretty much nothing about the experience of sex work, beyond the terrible impressions they've gotten from Law & Order SVU or something else in that line of copaganda.

This is also, crucially, only from the client's point of view. I strongly urge anyone interested in this to also read things from the provider's point of view. There are lots of those out there; I'll just link to Jessie Sage, Natalie Hepburn, and Elle Sutton, who are all excellent.

Now we'll have the more detailed and long-winded part of this.

Discovery

How do I find a provider that I want to see? There are all sorts of sites for provider searches and reviews; most of them are trash. “Review board” aka “Hobbyist” culture is deeply contaminated by misogynist men who (among other things) use these sites to express contempt for women, post lies about providers that they've never met, and so on. There are a few good advertising platforms, in my limited experience Private Delights (which allows reviews) and Tryst (which doesn’t) seem to be free of that culture; Tryst also has a blog by providers, which includes a client guide with useful essays directed at clients.

The only place I find providers myself is Twitter. There is at least one active community of sex workers on Twitter who post pictures of themselves and their pets and hobbies and travels and favorite fungi, post links to their websites and their newsletters and events, announce availability and tour dates, exchange jokes and opinions and Discourse, and so on. A few respectful clients (the others get blocked) favorite and “retweet” and post emojis and occasionally comments on the providers' posts. I don't have wonderful advice on how to locate this world; try searching Twitter for the hashtag DateNYC or the equivalent for your area, and there's a good chance you'll come across it.

When my eye is caught by a provider I haven't noticed before, I will visit their website, look at the images and read the text, check their location and rates, and generally get a vibe from them. I seem to be pretty good at telling when a provider is likely to be compatible with me, or at least I've very seldom had any bad experiences (see below); it could just be that I'm compatible with most providers, because they are so good at being compatible!

Contact

The most important thing about contacting a provider for the first time, is to use whatever method they prefer; this minimizes time and effort wasted on both sides, and maximizes the chances of a wonderful date. (If you want to assert your dominance, or make sure that they are willing to make exceptions for you, don't do that. Please just get hand cream instead.)

The most common contact method, in my experience, is a form on the provider's website. It will ask for some personal details for screening (so the provider or an assistant can look you up and make sure you aren't a known abusive or dangerous client), things like how you found them (Twitter, in my case), when and where you'd like to meet, and usually something open-ended about yourself.

Some clients are reluctant to, or nervous about, giving screening information, which is generally your real name, and one or more of a photo ID image, an email from a work address or other employment verification, or references to other providers you've seen recently. I don't worry about it myself; if I didn't trust the provider enough not to abuse that information, I wouldn't be booking with her. Since we're going to be spending private vulnerable time together, and I'm probably larger and stronger than she is, it's only sensible that she wants, for instance, my real name, while I have no need for hers.

If a provider wants information that you aren't willing to give, it's best to just find another provider who doesn't; asking for exceptions is, again, not generally a route to success.

Having filled out the booking form (or the email, or whatever channel they prefer), there are a few hours to a few days of waiting; I spend those constantly checking my email, and anticipating what it might be like to meet them. Generally the response will be positive, either accepting exactly the date and time I proposed, or proposing an alternative that is okay with me. I've gotten basically a “No, thanks” just once; it was I think because I proposed too complicated an arrangement, it being not long after the start of Covid, and people hadn't really figured out how everything was going to work yet. It's important to be ready to hear that, and not take it personally; just move on to someone else.

Once we've worked out a day and time, I pay whatever deposit is required electronically. Generally I offer to send the entire fee electronically in advance, because cash can be a burden these days; some providers like this, others would rather get the balance in cash on the day. Either one is fine. I also tip whenever I pay the balance; not always 20%, but enough to express extra appreciation for how they enrich my life.

Some clients worry about their deposits being stolen; although this has happened to me once (see below), I still have no reluctance in sending a deposit. The small chance it will be wasted is well worth the increase in security all around, and the increased chance of an excellent date. (The opposite case, a provider spending time and money getting ready for a date, and the client just not showing up or paying, is far more common!)

Once we have the day and time for the date set, the deposit paid, and whether we're going to share a meal or anything else in public before or after (generally I don't do that on a first date; I'm not sure why, really), then we establish the venue; whichever one of us is hosting communicates the address, in particular. This can happen either during the initial exchanges, or if the date is further in the future and the provider is hosting, they may wait to make the reservation and send the address until the day before or even the day of (if it's me I usually do it right away, just so I don't forget; I'm disorganized).

Then there is the anticipation. On the morning of the day, I will make sure that I have all my ducks in a row, my cash for the balance safely stashed in a subtle envelope or a book, any small gift I'm bringing stored away. The provider will usually confirm the day before or the day of, and we will have established how we'll communicate up to the meeting: email, text, Signal, and so on. Email is probably the most common. I will head for the location early enough to avoid being late. It's also important not to enter the building early! I usually hang out at a nearby park or busy corner until I hear from the provider that they're ready. You don't want to do anything that might attract attention to the provider, in particular.

Then there is the date! As described at the beginning of this post.

Notes

There are lots of things I haven't done, and so won't mention here: overnight dates, “PSE” services, “meet and greet” parties with multiple clients and multiple providers. You'll have to go elsewhere to learn about those! The rest of these notes are about parts of the experience that haven’t come up yet that I thought deserved a word; I hope they answer some more questions people may have.

Those dratted elevators

In NYC, a fair fraction of hotel elevators require an active guest key-card to operate. Which means that the convenient scenario above, where the provider is waiting in the room and I just pop on up, doesn't work in those places. There are all sorts of alternatives which do work, which are to different extents awkward, fun, funny, or some combination of those.

The “secret agent” solution, where the client tells the provider that they'll be in the lobby in two minutes, and the provider walks through the lobby so the client can casually walk behind them into the elevator as they carefully avoid eye contact (or vice-versa if the client is hosting), is the one that makes it hardest to suppress giggles during execution.

Simpler is just to, say, meet on a nearby street corner and walk in and take the elevator together. But that's so simple!

Rates

Everything's expensive in NYC; being in the center of the universe doesn't come free! A one-hour date may be anywhere from $600 to $1200 in the part of the industry I'm familiar with. Longer dates are generally cheaper in dollars per hour terms; that is, a three hour date is likely to cost less than three times what a one-hour date costs. On the other hand, if a provider doesn't really like dates longer than three hours (say), the per-hour rate may be higher for dates longer than that. Don't try to second-guess their posted rate structure, and never try to haggle; you'll just find your texts (generally anonymized) posted on Twitter as examples of what not to do.

Some providers offer 90-minute or one-hour dates, and some don't. Don't ever assume that they're available for times and at prices that they don't post. If someone charges $1000 for a one-hour date, don't assume you can get 30 minutes for $500. Most of the cost involved in a one-hour date is overhead and setup, and a shorter date doesn't require any less of that. It's generally fine to ask, politely and without pressure, if they offer a duration that isn't listed (2.5 hours, say, if that's what you have available for some reason), but be prepared to accept a No graciously.

And if you want the best possible second date, do tip. It doesn't have to be 25% or 20% or anything you can't afford; but enough to reaffirm that you respect and value the provider.

Second dates and beyond

For me there is something uniquely exquisite about meeting someone for the first time. The first eye contact, the first touch, the first light kiss; these all make my heart flutter.

On the other hand, there's also something uniquely wonderful about seeing the same person multiple times. Getting to know each other, establishing memories and inside jokes, coming to know each other's preferences and tendencies; all extremely wonderful and warming.

I always have a mix of first dates and dates with people I've seen before. The hardest part is that I so often fall in love with someone the first time, that now I have one more person that I can't wait to see again!

Fall in love?

For sure! Or, if “fall in love” suggests a reciprocity that I can't assume, I come to love many of the providers that I see, and not just in the way that I love all sentient beings.

The reason that “love” is such a fraught word in the context of sex work, and that we commonly caution each other against “catching feelings”, is that society conditions us to associate love with possession, with a desire for control, with a need for exclusivity.

But none of those are about love.

Loving someone means wanting the best for them, in the same way that you want the best for yourself. It's being happy when they're happy, even if their happiness isn't at the moment caused by or centered on you.

A mistake that clients sometimes make is in coming to think “hey, this provider and I get along really well, we're friends, even lovers, shouldn't she give me a discount, or not charge me at all?” This is selfishness, not love. If you like her, if you love her, you will want to help her and benefit her. You will want to pay her more, not less.

“Isn't this just rich white providers?”

Some people have suggested that “privileged” providers like those I've described here are just upscale white women, and that “the vast majority” of sex workers are coerced, trafficked, abused, and so on.

First, I've seen several non-white providers, who fit the typical date I describe here just fine; I've been a regular client of two Black providers (one of whom retired, and the other one has been doing so well that I can't afford to see her very often lately, bless her, but I am saving up!), and I've seen multiple Asian providers (and Hispanic and Jewish ones, in case that is relevant to whiteness for you). And in the wider world, it's not only upscale Western-world providers who advocate for sex-worker rights; look up for instance the African Sex Worker Alliance, and the Global Network of Sex Work Projects.

“But aren't some sex workers coerced?”

Whatever one means by “coerced”, the answer is unfortunately “yes”. There is a famous statistic that 90% of sex workers are coerced, but it's based on a ridiculous survey that essentially asked a small number of sex workers if they would switch to a better job if one was available. By that standard, roughly 100% of workers in every field are “coerced”; but that's not really what “coerced” means, unless we're doing a nuanced analysis of capitalism.

The providers that I see are certainly doing it for the money. But that doesn't bother me any more than the fact that my doctor, my therapist, my cab driver, or any other professional whose services I use is doing it for the money. It makes me happy when I see a provider say that she often loves her job, but I'm under no illusion that the money isn't a huge part of the reason she's there. That's okay; I have no problem buying a valuable service from a professional! I hope that I'm a nice person and that working with me is fun and even sometimes climactic, but that's not the reason they're doing it.

Some sex workers are also coerced in the more reasonable sense of the word, where someone is forcing them to do the work with for instance threats of violence. This is a terrible thing! I have no reason to think that any provider that I've ever seen has been in this situation. Whether a significant number of sex workers are coerced in this way is something that it's hard to get data on, but estimates by anti-sex-work organizations are (like pretty much all of the statistics that they cite) not based in reality. See for instance Maggie McNeill's excellent Frequently Told Lies.

Social time

I love spending time in public with a provider. Admittedly I like spending time in private more, minute-per-minute, but any date longer than two or three hours should certainly include a meal, a museum visit, a show, or something else done fully-clothed. I generally allow the provider to choose the activity and venue, because they are better at it than I am (being a professional means something!), but I will pick one if pressed.

I also generally defer to the provider about whether the social time should come before or after the private time. Usually the social time comes first, but if they want to do it the other way around, that's fine also.

(In case you're getting the impression that I'm a bit passive in dealings with providers, that's entirely correct! I have to do analysis and make decisions constantly in my job and in ordinary life; to the extent that I can let a seasoned professional who isn't me make those decisions for dates, I will happily do that. It helps that I like approximately every kind of food.)

Outfits and other special requests

If there's a specific outfit or a particular style that you'd like a provider to wear to your date, or other specific requests like that, think about a few things before asking for it.

If you haven't met them yet, it might be a good idea to meet them for an ordinary date first, and bring up your special request during that. That way you know a bit more about each other, the provider knows that you are a serious client, and things are more likely to go well.

If the thing you want to request is going to cost the provider money (a particular dress or piece of lingerie that they don't already have, for instance), assume that you are going to be paying for it, and assure the provider that you realize that.

If the request is relatively far out of the ordinary, or might be offputting to a provider, state it carefully, and be fully prepared to accept a No. If the request is in a particular specialized area of sex work, make sure you're talking to a provider who works in that area. You don't want to ask a provider whose website is entirely soft-focus shots and flower gardens, if they'll step on your jewels in stiletto heels. If nothing else, it's probably a waste of everyone's time.

(If you want to request unprotected sex (i.e. no condom), just don't do that. It's a bad idea for everyone.)

The one outfit request I've made myself was of a provider who I'd seen a number of times. For a staying-in date, I asked her to wear sweatpants and a loose tee shirt. That was a wonderful lazy date! And she already had that outfit, so there was no trouble or expense.

The silent date

This is perhaps just encouragement to experiment and try things, as long as you and the provider are both comfortable with it, and most likely not on the first date.

For one of the more memorable dates I've had, I asked the provider, a wonderful woman I'd seen a number of times before, if we could do a wordless date, just communicating with looks and touches, being present in the moment without the mediation of language, for as long as felt natural.

It was amazing. Without conventional greetings or small talk, with conscious movement and with lots and lots of eye contact and touch and breath, we communicated sweetly and deeply for maybe forty-five minutes until someone (I think it was me) said, “Hi!”. I still smile widely remembering it; I hope that she does too.

Bad experiences

I have had almost no bad experiences with providers. I have had a few dates where we just didn't click, but it was still interesting to meet a person, interact for a couple of hours, and come away with some new things to think about, and some new self-knowledge.

Once when I was cuddling with a favorite provider, one of the candles on the bedside table burned all the way to the bottom and heated up the plate it was on enough that it suddenly and loudly shattered. There was much laughter! This was actually a good experience.

Two different times I've gone to the room number that the provider gave in email, knocked on the door, and gotten no answer. Knocked again and got no answer. Sent an email saying “Knock knock!” and got a confused reply, because no one was knocking at their door.

Once this was because I was in the residential half of the building, and they were in the hotel half, and each half of the building had the same set of numbers. Which is a ridiculous design! We figured that out in email and I went to the right room; it's a good thing the person whose door I was knocking on wasn't home!

The other time it was because I was in the Thingummy Hotel Times Square, whereas the provider was at the Thingummy Hotel Financial District twenty minutes away, and during booking we'd just agreed to meet at the Thingummy Hotel. Who knew there were two? So I arrived at the date twenty minutes later, a bit out of breath, and still had a wonderful time.

Once a provider for some reason wanted to coat all available skin of both parties with a rather thick skin cream. That was odd. And very slippery. But not really bad-bad.

Then there was...

The stolen deposit

Since this comes up a lot, I'll give it its own section. I had a first date scheduled with a well-known provider, who is still active on Twitter and apparently actively working. We had set the day and time, but not the venue yet, and I’d sent the deposit. A few days before the scheduled day, all communication from her suddenly stopped. The day and time came and went, and my emails were still unanswered.

A few days later, I got a very apologetic note from her, saying that there was a medical issue in her immediate family, and a new assistant who had mixed things up, and she still wanted to meet me if possible.

I said sure, I understand how these things happen, and we agreed on another day and time. This time I booked us a room. Again all communication stopped a day or two before the date, but this time since we did have a room, I went there. She did not appear, but I had a nice middle-of-the-day nap in a clean hotel room, so that was nice.

A couple of days later, I got a single DM from her, saying “[A]ll I can tell you is that I was informed you are not safe with. I am not going to put someone else in danger by telling you who, and we are not going to continue this discussion,” and she blocked me on Twitter.

If it hadn't been for the first ghosting incident, I might have believed this. While I've never had a date where I would have thought the provider felt unsafe, anyone could have told her anything; there are always things happening under the surface. But after the previous “illness in the family” ghosting story, I suspected she was making the whole thing up.

I later heard from another client that she had done essentially the same thing to him, and the provider herself later tweeted about how two more clients had complained to Tryst about her for the same; there is also one negative review of her on Private Delights giving roughly the same story. She has also shared some of her personal emotional challenges on Twitter, and I have formed a tentative theory: that while she is normally a perfectly good and responsible provider, she sometimes has a bad day or week for whatever reason (“you never know what someone else is going through” is good advice), imagines that new clients are predators who would not be safe to see, and just ghosts them like this (keeping the deposits).

Which is sad! But not enough to put me off of deposits. Deposits are a good thing; they reassure the provider that the client is serious about actually showing up at the date, and they reassure the client that the provider is a professional.

“What about your marriage?”

I am married, and my wife doesn't know that I see providers. We get along pretty well, we have been married for a very long time, but she is uninterested in sex, or really intimacy of any kind. This is fine, but given that I don't feel that way at all, it causes a problem.

In the ideal world I would feel the same way about these things as my spouse. Given that that's not the case, I honestly believe that seeing providers is the least-bad alternative that I have. Divorce would be a disaster for my wife in many ways, as it often is for women. Abstinence, and therefore a complete lack of intimacy and connection in my life, would be a disaster for me; given my past history, it might well lead to suicide. And a more traditional affair, without the boundaries and discretion that professionals provide, would be far more likely to lead to discovery and general messiness.

I honestly think that my ability to see providers has saved my marriage, paradoxical as that might seem.

Summary

Sex workers make the world a better place. The vast majority are honest professionals selling a valuable service, and if you want to have an amazing date with one, just read the instructions they've written, and follow their lead. As I hope this description of my own experiences has made clear, I consider my time spent with providers to have been very well spent, and they have enriched my life. My hat is off to every brave provider out there, opening their hearts to strangers every day, in beauty, hopefulness, and trust.

Thanks to the lovely people that gave me comments on earlier drafts of this; it's much better for your feedback!