Wam

You've been handed a microphone, a room full of relatives, and a person you love who is about to be legally stuck with you as a witness. Here's how not to ruin it.

1. The target laughs first. If the person you're roasting doesn't laugh, you're not roasting them. You're confessing. Aim so they're laughing before the room is.

2. Punch at the history, never the body, the job, or the marriage. Old haircuts, terrible exes, the trip that went wrong: fair game. Weight, income, fertility, “she could do better”: not jokes, just scorekeeping with a laugh track.

3. One true story beats five invented ones. Truth has better aim. “He once drove four hours to return a library book” lands harder than anything you can make up, because everyone in the room knows it's real.

4. End warm. The last line should be the reason you're standing there. The joke is the door. The love is the house. Don't leave them standing in the doorway.

5. If you're not sure it lands, cut it. A shorter speech is a kinder speech. Nobody has ever complained a toast was too short.

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If you'd rather not write it yourself, I do this. Send me the person, the occasion, and one true thing about them. Three jokes built for the room, 24 hours, $15. If the first line doesn't land, you don't pay. [email protected], or paper.wf/wam.