Stresses everywhere...
I'm tired ya'll.
This year has been a rollercoaster. A New Years Eve breakup, a shakeup at work, falling ill as the work shakeup is happening – all while I was on PTO to boot.
Then, taking action with my new ADHD diagnosis. Getting on meds. Finding out that, in addition to appetite suppression common to stimulants, my pill also works on binge eating issues.
So not only am I hungry far less often (or, if I am hungry, I can disregard the feeling instead of needing to sate my hunger right away) – I can just... Stop eating when I'm seated. I don't need to clean my plate.
Of course, this is bittersweet too, as my meds cost roughly 300 a month. $10 a pill – for executive function, weight loss, and a daily dose of hope.
I hate it each time I re-up, but... I can't imagine stopping either. Fingers crossed for a generic this summer as is predicted.
So, all this personal growth is happening.
Then there's work. I caught up on email Monday morning. Picked up 10 tasks from email. Four days later, I'm still working on 6 of them. Plus my dozen open tickets, plus my projects, oh and the tasks I haven't written down, but am working on.
Wednesday night? We had a service provider go into an outage. We have a 14-point list of action items to follow up on. Nine of those are assigned to me (and, in fairness, 4 or so can be lumped together, but still...)
So, I try to keep some semblance of a work-life balance.
Except, there's just a ton of stress there too. Youngest called me tonight because she's “just been stressed out for a couple weeks now, and I don't even know why.”
So, great, she doesn't know it but she's talking about what I would call generalized anxiety.
The Ex said she wanted us to talk one in one this week. I reminded her of that stated goal Monday morning, asked when she wants to meet.
She hasn't responded yet.
I told myself I was going to have that one on one talk before I made any other moves, but if she can't or won't meet with me...
Ugh.
I probably need to talk to an Attny tomorrow.
Even if I still have a grown up talk with the Ex, I can start laying groundwork for if things don't go well at the talk.
I wanna get things resolved. I want my kids to start on a path to happiness again. I want to have some moment of my life that doesn't feel stressful.
What I really want, is a change of pace.
I love caring for others. Well and truly. I work ina support role for a living, because I'm good with tech, and I'm pretty good at both taming it – and explaining it to others.
One of my hobbies used to be helping others make D&D games happen at conventions. I'd like to get back to that this year.
I try to facilitate good things with and for my friends. Heck, I even have Kali crashing on my couch last night and tonight, to help her stay warm and safe.
In romantic relationships (and some friendships) I'm “Daddy”. I help others with choices, big and small. I care, I nurture, I provide. I smooth things over.
And I'm tired.
I want to turn the tables, just for a while.
I want... need someone to care for me for a bit. To help me recharge my battery. To smooth my issues, or my just...life for a little bit. To let me get caught up.
Instead, I know I'm quickly rushing toward burnout. Because no matter where I look, if feels like there's just a different pile of stressors waiting to be dealt with. Some are things I can deal with, others I'm waiting for someone or something else.
It feels like I can't make progress, and it feels like there's no end in sight. Like I'm spinning my wheels on every front.
Tonight, I lie here typing, and I wish for just a few things.
I want the clarity and personal strength to keep things moving at work.
I want to get my girls the help they want and need.
I want some sweet cutie I can care for, but who will help carry my burdens in return. And whim I can wrap in my arms at night as a thank you.
Such simple-seeming things.
Such completely out-of-reach seeming things.
Tomorrow I need to practice gratitude. I have so much, and so many niceties in my life. I need to focus on that, lest unfulfilled wishing drag me down.