The confrontation and the day after...
So, it has been building for almost a year.
A long year.
My oldest daughter reached out to me last April. Completely distraught over having no choice, and no agency in her life. She was at a birthday party.
Not for herself. Not for any of her friends.
For the daughter of someone my Ex-wife used to work with.
Ari has nothing in common with the other girl, or any of the birthday girl's friends.
And she poured her heart out to me about a LOT of emotional mistreatment under her mother's care.
And this began a nearly year-long conversation. At first it was just her and I. I attempted to get to to talk to a school counselor. I offered to get her to talk to a therapist. She could, she wasn't ready.
Eventually her sister picked up on the conversations, and joined in. She had many of the same complaints.
Fast forward to January-ish. I got my youngest to agree to talk to her school counselor. I joined in to start that talk. I believe they still talk almost weekly.
And, I was able to ease that counselor into finding/having a reason to talk to my oldest too. And more floodgates opened.
Oldest set up a conversation with her favorite teach, the counselor, and myself.
It was a great discussion. It went on for a little over an hour and a half.
The counselor expressed concerns about PTSD, Social Anxiety, and even Dissasociation.
I asked Oldest, if she had a magic wand, what would she want from this situation. She wants a break from her mother. Not a permanent stop, but a month away.
Eventually was able to pose the same question to Youngest. Her answer was very similar. A couple weeks break from her mother.
So, we all made notes, we picked a date, and we took their mother out to dinner.
It was a long, LONG conversation. Youngest spent a good bit of time curled into a ball in my lap, face buried against my chest, tears streaming down her face from finally saying what she wanted her mother to hear.
Oldest was also visibly upset.
Ex was... I dont even know. I had prepared for multiple worst case scenarios. None of those happened, so at first I counted the night as a win.
But on reflection, and after a good night's sleep? She... Was made of Teflon all night. She would nod when the girls would speak. But there was always an excuse. Always a deflection. She never admitted fault.
When the girls complained about her not listening – she put the onus on them. Pointing out sometimes she has to be told a thing several times, because there's so much going on.
Missing the point entirely, and also offloading her responsibility.
Suddenly, her tune was completely different on the topic of ADHD. In January I had mentioned it once more – for the first time in years. She adamantly told me, point blank, “You knowns don't want her in therapy or on medication!”
Last night, it was all “Of COURSE I want you to get more help if that's what you think you need...”
And, after both girls, crying, talked about her not listening, her saying one thing, them the opposite – while denying she ever had or would say the first thing (gaslighting), she just sat there unfazed.
I told her the school thinks Oldest has Anxiety, PTSD, and Disassociation. Her reply?
“Well she's always had anxiety...”
The fuck she has! She is sometimes shy in new situations. That is NOT anxiety!
But most ire-drawing of all?
When I spoke for the girls, stateing that they want a break from her, she halted me before I could finish the sentence.
She shot it down.
I tried to confirm, clearly – that she thinks it's better FOR THE GIRLS (who are asking not to be with her) to spend time more time with her? That it isn't just what she wants?
She was sure. And, “Mom's and daughters don't always get along, but they need to be with me. I'm their mother.”
Just re-typing it, exhausted from a long day, in bed, on my phone... My heart rate is over 100bpm.
I have failed. I did not get her to see that this is more than just some small family argument. That this is a HUGE deal.
She said she wants to meet 1:1 this coming week to talk to me. I'm amenable to it. She asked for the meet, so she can set the agenda.
But, I've spent today talking to people. The school, therapists, social workers, friends, family. People.
We tried – last night – to be direct, but gentle. It bounced off of her.
So, at the 1:1, I'm done with kids gloves. I will be moving from a message of hope, to the harsh light of truth. She has to appreciate and accept her role, and her responsibilities in these issues. I can't afford to be gentle. Our kids are paying the price for my gentility.
If I don't put a spotlight on the issues and spell them out very very clearly. If I give her any wiggle room – she will wriggle right out of facing the issues.
Tonight, Youngest had a choral concert at her school. I dropped her off and grabbed a seat. Ex came in and chose to sit next to me. She could barely look at or talk to me. She spent no small amount of time picking at her nails, and I know that for the nervous habit it is. She was stressed.
Concert ended (it was adorable), and we went to greet Youngest together. Youngest gave her the cold shoulder to the best of her ability.
Ex actually seemed aware of it. Perhaps the talk needed time to sink in.
Ex tried to tell me she would take the girls on Sat. I stood my ground. “I was gonna keep 'em through Monday.”
Because, I'm pretty sure our agreement says 50/50 time. I got them Monday after school, you can have them back Monday after school. (I have a fresh copy of our agreement coming from the county tomorrow, I hope).
I pushed, she relented a bit, expecting me to drop them off Sunday. Because her Finacee's family is in town. Youngest told me they only live an hour away, and come to town every couple weeks. It's not a big deal.
But, that's sorta irrelevant. Paperwork says 50/50. Girls don't wanna be with her. So, I'm giving them the full benefit of that 50/50.
I continue to hold out hope, that I can make her see the light. That she can understand this isn't “just teenager stuff” and that our girls are traumatized.
If she can't see it, if she won't budge...
...then... I will have given it every effort to do things in a civil way.
What comes next?
What comes next will make her head spin. I don't want to go down the road I see. She REALLY doesn't want me to go down that road.
But, what I want? What she wants? Irrelevant.
What our kids need? Top priority.
She has an opportunity to be what our kids need, instead of what she thinks she's sure they need.
Or, she can deal with me exercising my every right.
Every. One.
I was never able to stand up to her for my own sake.
But these kids deserve better.
Period.