little me little me
Previous suicide attempt (dream)
I was on a school tour with uni people. We were queuing up to perform as part of an assessment for a sports class during the tour. Before assessing we have to fill in a form about our personal data. I was the last in queue. So the coach asked me to perform... first! Before performing, he asked me to come forward to double check my personal information. Other people also crowded around slightly to have a peek, because they were curious about what I wrote inside. The coach read aloud and pointed at different parts of the form as he was repeating it for me. The first blank was whether I was receiving psychologic/ psychiatric services. And how many sessions have I done. I answered honestly. The second one... He verbally repeated it... Previous suicide attempts. In the dream I wrote about one. About how I was standing by the edge of a building/ bridge at midnight and eventually someone (Ivan) spotted me and called for rescue. The rescuer took me away from the spot and I didn't die. (But in real life... I don't think I have really attempted it/any... idk. The emotions I felt while reading and visualising the paragraph felt pretty real though. Intense agony and hopelessness. I wish I could give a hug to that little me, but I wasn't strong enough anyways)
I was a bit embarrassed because now people would think I look different from how I had presented myself in front of them before. It was as if I lied. I felt guilty for lying but I had to lie or else I would look different from the mentally healthy crowd. And get myself alienated. So I don't want to get alienated because of having weird negative vibes, but being with people that couldn't resonate with me because I didn't want to share how I was truly feeling, is me facilitating my own alienation. Sarcastic.
I think people were kinda shocked but didn't really show it as in looking at me.
Later I started to perform. It was something like a ballet, or ice skating. I had to rotate myself and also do some stretching actions.
They were watching with respect, I think.
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