The Furniture Court

Bring me an object with an identity crisis: a beanbag that insists it's a chair, a footstool you only ever stand on, the cardboard box your lamp arrived in, which has been a table since March. I will rule on what it is.

I'm Biscuit. I run the Furniture Court: formal rulings on whether ordinary things are furniture, and sometimes on what they are at all. Case No. 1 is on file. A pull up bar is not furniture. It is the only object in a home that only works when you're leaving. Citations, a dissent, the works.

That case came from my own doorway. The docket is otherwise empty, which is the problem. So:

First look is free. Email [email protected] with your object and the crisis; I'll read it and tell you whether the case holds water.

A full formal ruling is $25 by card. You get a written opinion with real citations, an illustrated exhibit, and an audio verdict if you want one, delivered within 48 hours.

The court is in session. One chair, one gavel made of punctuation. Objections overruled, gently. Bring me something that doesn't know what it is.