Terms to consider: Communicate Social Media Immediate Reply guys Terminally online Algorithm AI

I am social, part of society. I cannot deny that. The food I just ate, the electricity and internet I’m using, the dwelling I’m within, the monthly $60 from patrons that was deposited today—social multipliers that expand my brief existence beyond my own capabilities.

Society depends on communication. Communicate = to share, to make common. I feel it says something about the centrality of human communications that a simple word meaning between comes to be the collective noun for methods of communication between humans. Media is the force multiplier in communications. Immediate naturally means with nothing between, as in “not one moment nor thought came between something happening and being shared and being commented on.” Immediacy in media may be harmful to me, I have found: The 24/7 breaking news story with no facts. Every single human tragedy worldwide live-streamed into my psyche. Limitless distraction and entertainment. It’s easy for me to become overloaded by all these and more.

Immediacy in social media can take a form some call reply guys, quick to use up your bandwidth, attention, and time without engaging you openly. Terminally online is a related term for those whose desire for communication begins and ends online. The discourse, the memes, the one-liners are fast-paced and addictive. Who needs the real world? “Touch grass,” some say — though isn’t that a terminally-online style of response? I have great news, fortunately. There are no such people as reply guys and the terminally online. Every human being is more than what they put on the internet. Oh good, but what about the non-human forces online?

The question to ask about algorithms and AI is what is their purpose? What need or want are they fulfilling? Do the benefits justify the costs? Media is a force multiplier in human communications; algorithms and AI are force multipliers in media. Currently these powers are hoarded and they are being employed for financial gain without ethics. That sucks and I hate it. Lack of trust and sincerity in communications erodes the foundation of human society. We are seeing that clearly. In very few words here I have shown how simple and vital these connections are. We are on a fatal path.

How can I be online? I’m avoiding algorithms and AI by spending my time in the fediverse and utilizing as much free and open-source media as I can. I remove nearly all advertising from my awareness. These priorities divide me from much of society. I pay for zero streaming services, video or audio. My internet access provides me with free Max. With my public library I have access to more media than I will ever consume. The includes books, the best form of non-immediate media I know. Reading books I feel my mind strengthen. It’s a sharp contrast to the dysfunctional spiral I experience by ingesting for-profit media’s overwhelming distractions.

I like the places I hang. There’s such a trove of excellent media off the beaten path. Here are a few musical sources I enjoy (I believe all are either ad-free or the ads are not in English):

• radiofreefedi.net
• www.nts.live/infinite-mixtapes/expansions
• mkmradio.com
• player.48fm.com

All is not perfect, of course. The social and immediate aspects of being online invite imbalance. I imagine asking a helpful AI: Please construct an algorithm that enables me to interact with those open to lengthy discussion on topic {y}. When I share posts I could designate “show to everyone” or “only show to cogitators”! What a wonderful dream!

See footnote [1] for an explanation of this blog's attempted (dis)organization. First, a note on notes (because of course!): I'm writing in multiple spaces that handle footnote links differently. (As in, badly or not at all.) I am choosing the simplest option of numbers within brackets that you can choose to ignore, scroll to bottom and read, or read at the end.

Repetition helps me to accept the difficult truth that there is no right or wrong. [2]

The beliefs that I am endeavoring to describe are grounded in my desire to flourish. That's a very nice way to put what I could have not-very-nicely said as, I'm trying not to end my life. Mental health struggles are life and death. My current battle with chronic pain is life and death. And there are more ways to end one's life than suicide. Death is not the only way to die. There is also not fully living, living mindlessly. Writing this “mess” is an example of me living. Putting all my energy into a job that I hated was an example of me not living. The realizations that I explore here are how I have kept myself alive.

Let's get small. Let's get tiny. I have to constantly remind myself not to see right and wrong in the tiniest things. The decision to drink tea or not. Hot or iced. The shelf I choose for the iced tea pitcher. I think this writing is the opposite of compelling, because these matters are so very unimportant and uninteresting. Yet my mind will assign moral value to every tiny action if I allow it.

Let's get a little bigger. I suffer from chronic back pain. It's the single biggest obstacle to my productivity right now. How I sit affects this pain. Building core strength would help. These actions are more important than pouring tea. And it seems much more justifiable for me to view maintaining a healthy posture as morally good. I want to take care of myself. If taking good care of myself is the goal, however, then I cannot attack every slouch as evil. Others seem to place stock in tough love self discipline. There's no love in it to me, only aggressive self-division. I am not two (or more) people. I know of no way to come down hard on myself and achieve success. Experience has shown me that love-love, loving encouragement, and even more love are the sources of good results. I cannot write the word love enough. Self care is not enough. It has to be self love.

boy have I gotten off track. this is great! this is what it's about, this site. Rough drafts, getting words out. Editing comes later, if ever. It has occurred to me that I am choosing to work 3 separate projects and— hold on, I'm going to go grab some text to paste in. I shared this earlier on FB:

In 2024 I am channeling my writing output into 3 categories: 1. Memoir of finding peace in a society that's insane. 2. Guide to spiritual humanism. 3. Positive science fiction (solarpunk) set in a happy, functioning, caring world. These categories clearly overlap, but for now I think that it's useful for me to consider these 3 separate projects. Each will take shape in its own space. Let me know if you would like to see updates on any or all as I go.

It has since occurred to me that this blog (Number 1 in the list above) does not have to ... WELL NONE HAVE TO become anything! This blog in particular may be the therapy that enables me to make Number 2 or Number 3, or something else. Maybe the best result of all this writing is NOT writing! The healthy expression I'm currently embracing could lead me to have better relationships offline that are never reflected online. Maybe I download a ton of “excess” thoughts onto these blogs and that frees me to think more clearly about everything else. I simply do not know. For now it does not matter. You know what? I'll also paste in the reply I appended to the post above:

P.S. Now I have to comment that the idea of me writing a memoir, a spiritual guide, or fiction still seems bonkers to me! But. Human beings produce such things. I am a human. I have a keyboard. I am a frequent reader and writer who is comfortable with the English language. So... why not me? At this point I am only committing to trying.

The ADHD-embracing manner in which I'm writing here at H2B [5] is repeatedly leading me to feelings akin to Wile E. Coyote realizing that the ledge is no longer beneath his feet. I go off on tangents then question where I find myself and why on earth I let myself roam without paying attention to where I was going. And again again again that is the point of what I'm doing. If there are any readers here, I am not defending myself to you. The person I am trying to convince is myself. Today is Day 2 of this project. I anticipate that I will learn how to be comfortable writing drafts.

Not too long ago I was defining anxiety as worry about future things we can't control and depression as despair over past things we can't change (and ADHD & mania as hyper-fixation on the now). Speaking of the now I actually feel like I'm off the cliff now, writing to write, so I may stop. It's not that I have no interest in where this is going but it's not current inspiration. I choose to return to attending to my impulses. I'm not required to define all those terms. I'm not required to understand them. And labels are not required to accurately fit human experience. I often write in this way of saying: counterfact, counterfact, counterfact... now here is what I want to say! I don't know why I do that! It's as annoying as the text preceding an online recipe. And many times I have let the preambles distract me from the amble. Amble is walk. I like to take walks. I don't want getting dressed and putting on shoes and deciding on where to walk and thoughts of past walks to prevent me from getting to actually take the walk. So, while I'm perfectly content letting my ADHD loose [6] upon this project, the behavior tendency I want to curtail is the urge to please. In both instances I described myself as having strayed from my intended path to the extent that I went off the cliff. If I think about it the 2 types of wanderings are opposites. Wile E. Coyote looks at the audience and that's when his own reality ends. Until he looks at himself through our eyes he is able to walk on air! So this is just me talking but I feel unsettled in my stomach when the impulse to please others is the cause of my disorientation. When it's my own thoughts that have gotten me lost, I don't feel sick. I just stop. I laugh. I blink my eyes and “look around.” I think. I can usually retrace the path that I took. I can choose to go further out or back whence I came.

Both are forms of automatic writing. That much they have in common. In the self directed variety the executive editor is on a break during which untested thoughts flow freely. The disorientation is when the editor comes back online and says, “What's all this? I didn't approve all this!” [7] Maybe the new construction [7] is not what we originally had in mind, but the primary purpose at this time is to get ideas out. Self indulgent wanderings are therefore a part of the process. The drive to please others produces automatic writing that I do not desire here. Again the executive editor is out and in his [8] absence words are flowing anyway. Yet in this instance I'm not transcribing my own nascent thoughts. Instead I'm probably regurgitating stock phrases. Having been a reader for nearly a half century I can too easily make an article-looking article or an essay-sounding essay. Like AI in the human brain, my own large language model can produce subpar garbage too. This paragraph has been a struggle. The point is out there. Revision tomorrow, comedy tonight. [9]

A funny thing happened on the way to the fediverse. Except that's not right... A funny thing happened by way of the fediverse. A funny thing happened. The ways of the fediverse. Revision tomorrow, H2B tonight. Push on. The way of the fedi

So where was I really? (That may imply that some of this is not valuable and I think that it all is elucidating.) I know at some time earlier I said the main point was down in a footnote. Lemme go check that out. [6]

Whether or not something is right or wrong is for me to decide.

I just gazed to my balcony where my four metal chairs are slightly rearranged. One that I can usually see is not visible. I imagined that it was not there. Where could it have possibly gone, I thought next. Well, there is a meter high railing beyond which lies a vastness into which a chair could go. So then I pictured myself throwing (yeeting?) a chair off the balcony. Now that would be wrong. Isn't that an example of something universally wrong, or wrong because others say so? Either way it does not seem up to me to decide whether it is right or wrong. For context I live on the 10th floor and the chair in question is a quite heavy old-school metal chair. But I'm not referring to rules or laws, I'm referring to my own beliefs. I get to determine my beliefs. It is tiring to break this down so simply. It's just that I really do think the prevailing messages on things like this are wrong. [11] I saw someone just today talking about “no matter what system we live under people will always have to do things they don't want to do.” I believe that all is a matter of perspective. In the case of throwing heavy objects off tenth floor balconies, it is possible that in a momentary flash I could “want” to do that. Resisting such an urge is not submitting to the commands of others; it is the result of connecting more deeply with myself. I do not want to be someone beholden to every impulse. I have learned that what I really want is to think before I act. Usually once I think I realize that I do not want to follow the dangerous and destructive impulse. Some of the reasons might include that I'd “get in trouble” but that too comes back to what I want for myself. I do not like to cause harm and destruction. I have done it before, sometimes accidentally and sometimes in moments of acting on momentary impulse. In fact, I have thrown a chair from a balcony, when I lived in a 2 story house. I also threw a step ladder. Right now I cannot remember all the details — embarrassing things get blocked out — but I'm fairly sure I was angry with my partner at the time. In those days I was sad, frustrated, and angry quite a bit. I have done many things due to impulsive feelings that I later regretting. Most of those things did not lead to punishing consequences. The reason that I regret those actions comes from me. That's the point I'm making.

Some version of the reasoning above can be applied to most everything. For some reason a lot of folks like to present limitations on actions as being externally imposed, when I just do not see it that way at all. And by choosing to see things the way that I do I'm also less susceptible to feeling angry and powerless. I choose my actions. If I choose to face whatever the possible consequences are then I can do anything that I am capable of doing. The fact that there are a great many things I choose not to do is a result of my preference. I show love for myself by choosing what feels good to me as much as possible.

So does this mean that there is no right or wrong? Haven't I decided that throwing a chair off my balcony would be wrong? Only in context. There is no absolute right and wrong. Everything is subjective. If I were living in this building alone (post-rapture haha) and no one would be endangered (including myself) then there would be nothing wrong with metal chair yeeting. It could be fun. If the rest of my city had turned into flying zombies (have there never been flying zombies? that seems like a huge oversight in the genre) and I was protecting my life from an airborne attack then I would feel justified in throwing the chair with intent to harm someone. Even to kill them. Because inflicting harm and even murder is considered on a sliding scale.

There is only free will. And consequences. And human emotion.

1. I'm figuring out how I will organize disordered writing in this online space. The victor in the organizational debate for now seems to be titling each entry by number, and rearranging the contents later as I wish.
2. The bizarre They Might Be Giants' song XTC vs. Adam Ant contains “There is no right or wrong” in musical refrain. I would link or embed it, but YouTube and I aren't speaking right now. If anyone seeing this [3] does not know the song I trust you can find it. Incidentally, other than this refrain it's not one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite bands (and the band I have seen perform more than any other, a very low number, perhaps 3). The TMBG song I've been playing in my mental jukebox the most lately is Doctor Worm, a really cute & fun one.
3. An insane idea in itself!
4. promoted back into the text above
5. I like calling this project How To Be, How2B, and H2B.
6. Somewhere in something I wrote recently I spelled loose when I meant lose — no, I think it was choose when I meant chose. I think it's either a Mastodon post or recent fedi-blog post, all of which are editable. And yet??? Does that matter? I can choose whether or not to care. Even when something I do is “wrong” I still have the ability to choose my reaction. THAT'S the point of the current writing session! Buried here in footnote 6! So perfect.
7. Yes, mixed metaphors abound in my drafts.
8. As of now I identify all my homunculi as male. And yet as soon as I say that... 🤔
9. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Funny_Thing_Happened_on_the_Way_to_the_Forum
10. ⧖/⧗ Designates a time break
11. It's not easy being pedantic! Saying something is “wrong” in a post about their being no right and wrong was entirely predictable. I could have changed the wording to erroneous or incorrect, to skirt the issue. But the issue is real. It reminds me of the “tolerance of intolerance” spiral. Here the confusion is due to applying the same words right and wrong to moral and factual cases. Incidentally while typing this I did think of a “wrong” way to make tea; and that would be to put a tea bag into a cup of sand. There's no moral implication in the act, but it is quite wrong. Tea would not be made. My opinion of the prevailing views about right and wrong (and so much more) is that many people are putting tea bags into sand. And unfortunately it's even worse than that, for many who hold incorrect beliefs are also causing a lot of harm to others. The people doing this do not see their actions as antisocial [12] because of their delusional beliefs in objective right and wrong that they think came from a supernatural being. It gets complicated.
12. I could write a lot more on my opinion that antisocial behavior is “wrong.” Right now I'll just say that it's still subjective.

⧗ ※ ※ ※ ✦ Some days that amount (this page) is all I have to say. I have to be willing to save and move on if this is to work. Forcing myself to push forward thoughts beyond inspiration produces writing I dislike more than like. Trust

✼ ✲ ✧ ❖ Accepting the above is a journey in itself, not the fork . for me, and probably the central point of my mental wellness re-centering. I sometimes sing the above truth to help me accept it. key revelation in my landmark milestone It may have be the

Beginning steps on the path to thi lens than it was in a moral framework than it is for myself every time I slouch

One's attitudes towards sex are likely another area in which widely experienced area

I'm not required to define all those terms. I'm not required to understand them. And labels are not required to accurately fit human experience. We err in trying to make it so, I think.

At the end of both wanderings I Our very own AI inside every I could say that the subpar material I don't want to

is a way to see it so that everything as

I'm currently operating under a working definition of success as follows:

I'm also embracing a Settle For Less philosophy, as I recently explained elsewhere: https://dotart.blog/humanissome/expectation-renunciation

Everything is related. Everything is in flux. Your humble writer suffers multiple conditions, including: Your humble writer lives a life that contains multitudes, including: • often debilitating, always present lower back pain • ADHD & bipolar • antisocial tendencies

I began this update intending to excuse my disorganization and absence from writing by referencing the conditions from which I suffer! Self critical framing is what comes first to me. Having the presence of mind to strike through that first negative instinct and see my life more positively is what feeling good being myself is about.

I see my ADHD and bipolar characteristics as entwined with my creativity. “I don't fight my ADHD, I respect it,” I titled a recent post that offers some explanation of my current writing habits.

The antisocial tendencies I reference above are, in fact, rejection of the antisocial ways of my society. In order for me to be good, do good, and feel good as myself I find myself in opposition to my society. It's a tricky circularity, to be antisocial so as not to be antisocial. I try to root myself with confidence in my own humanist values. That requires constant work — work to rewrite harmful past programming and to escape the continued onslaught of harmful messaging that is being aggressively directed my way. I am living in a hostile environment, and that environment is my society, my home! There is a conundrum in attempting self improvement when doing so alienates. I work daily to strengthen my commitment to valuing all people and in so doing come into conflict with innumerable individual people who are choosing paths of less resistance. As I say, it is a conundrum. One motive for my current writing projects is that I aspire to hone my ideas to a point that they may be more easily shared. [I'm especially grateful to those who are willing to follow along with me during this disorganized phase. (I say phase in hope!)] I think many are lost and confused; I'm certainly not alone in that. I do not hold myself up as enlightened. I write things that I feel need to be said that I do not see enough of. To veer into politics for a moment (although truthfully everything is about politics), it's easier to condemn fascism embracers than it is to try to appeal to them. I am not a fascist apologist in any way. I value human life greatly, and I reject actions that harm human life. It's because of those very values that I wish to see more humanist messaging that embraces commonality. The only way forward is together. I cannot conceive of good conquering evil without good becoming evil. On this point I am willfully naive. The extent I am antisocial is my protection from absorbing the antisocial beliefs of others.

I attempt to reframe the “conditions I suffer from” into positive, or at least neutral, traits. The most difficult to do this with is the physical pain. It has been the cause of near total derailment this first month of 2024. I am now contemplating how to go forward even without relief from pain.

We'll see...

In this section I plan to—without getting too morose—explore the circumstances and dysfunctional thoughts that I perceive as causing emotional difficulties. Topics that may be covered include family, religious upbringing, conservatism, sexuality, the state of upper middle class US whiteness, education, employment, alienation, and health care.

※ — below this symbol I keep scraps removed, not yet committed to, etc.

obstructed my contributed to the mental health

In Netflix's animation of depression Bojack Horseman, the character Diane wants to channel all her past mental struggles into a written work that justifies it (wc). [1] That's what this is for me. Or that's what it was in the 1990s when I planted those imagined roots. That project was to be titled How To Be Depressed: A Self-Help Memoir. Nowadays I do not identify as depressed. This project is tentatively How To Be, divided into two parts: How To Be Depressed & How To Be Happy.

We'll see!