Social Chemistry by Marissa King

Main Points

There are 3 types of networks: – Expansionist: large network, well-known, but have trouble maintaining and leveraging ties – Broker: generates value by connecting normally distant groups. Lots of information benefits – Convener: dense networks where friends are also friends with each other. Has trust and reputation benefits

It is possible to mix different network types to fit your needs. Different networks have different strengths. – When in turbulent times, increase your network size. Reaching out will help you more than turning inwards because people may be able to help you.

Conveners tend to be people who prefer security, are sensitive to social rejection, and are risk-averse. They are more likely to be trusted and trusting. However, they run the risk of forming “in-bred” networks.

Brokers bridge together diverse networks. They are adaptable to any social situation and know what image to project. However, they can be seen as manipulators rendering them untrustworthy. If they are good at projecting their image, they can be seen as more trustworthy than non-brokers.

Expansionists tend to play nice. Their large networks require them to have effective systems to manage their contacts. Some methods include: call logs, task lists, reminders, notes about past meetings, personal info, assistant, and relationship management tools. – Popularity –> more popularity – More connections –> easier network growth – Confidence and ease of communication are crucial to popularity

When dealing with relationships, favor quality over quantity. We can only maintain 150 stable contacts. Relationships depend on time, intensity/intimacy, and reciprocity. If not maintained, relationships can slowly die off (as they usually tend to). However, dormant ties are still useful (oftentimes more useful than current ties!). Don't worry if networks change. Our networks change because we change.

6 critical connections for our networks: 1. Access to information 2. Formal power 3. Developmental feedback 4. Sense of purpose 5. Personal support 6. Help with work-life balance

“Everyone on this planet is connected by only six other people.... You [just] have to find the right six people to make the connection.” – Guare

Chapter 1: Making Connections

There are 3 types of networks: – Expansionist: large network, well-known, but have trouble maintaining and leveraging ties – Broker: generates value by connecting normally distant groups. Lots of information benefits – Convener: dense networks where friends are also friends with each other. Has trust and reputation benefits

Our behaviors determine the type of network we have. No single network type is best for anyone. Mixing different styles can be beneficial. Moreover, no one fits neatly into any of these network toplogies. – networks change over time

Positive social interaction has many benefits.

When dealing with relationships, quality > quantity.

People hate thinking strategically about their networks. However, it is important for one to form and maintain relationships strategically because they are long-term investments. – Networking ≠ networks – when networking, think about what you can give. It will make networking easier for you and others.

Self-awareness –> more authenticity –> more effective interaction and engagement. Do not overdo authenticity. Some self-presentation is OK.

Social skills can be improved. People we interact with may like us more than we think they do. Also, stop comparing your social life to others. – when seeking interaction, focus on others. Look for small clusters with an odd number of people

Chapter 1 Notes

Chapter 2: The Nature of Networks

We can only maintain 150 stable contacts. – Innermost: 2-5 people. Can depend on during severe distress – Sympathy group: 15 people. People we feel close to. Usually keep in touch once per month. – Close friends: 50 people. Comfortable enough to invite over to a BBQ but not comfortable enough to disclose secrets. – Casual friends: 150 people. Beyond this, reciprocity and obligation ends – Acquaintances: 450-600 people. People we have seen in the past coulpe of years but don't really keep in touch with. – Recognition: 1,500 people we recognize by sight

A “friend” depends on factors including time, reciprocity, intensity, and intimacy. – Partially determined by time, mostly determined by intimacy. – ~50 hours to be casual friends, 90 to be “real” friends, 200 to be close friends – Reciprocity can be good and bad. – Good in that others will help us if we help them. – Bad in that it can be hard to turn down loved ones

People have 3 attachment styles: 1. Secure: comfortable with intimacy and interdependence 2. Anxious: deep need for closeness. Worries about abandonment and rejection (i.e. clingy people) 3. Avoidant: Wants to ensure that no one gets close to them.

Attachment styles can be changed with interventions, positive experiences in relationship, reminders of feeling secure, and awareness of self-sabotage.

Relationships and networks change because we change. Despite this, people rarely meet new people. This could be due to social anxiety, a need for routine and security, and a fear of strangers. – 50% of all relationships beyond family cease to exist – Most relationships die slowly. Fast breakups are complicated and costly. – No face-to-face contact after: – 2 months decreases feelings by 30% – 150 days decreases feelings by 80% (friends)

Networks

Expansionist: weak ties. Most social effort spent in meeting new people. Easier to end relationships.

Brokers: some strong ties, but network strength comes from weak ties. Lots of time is spent maintaining weak ties.

Conveners: most effort in maintenance. Have deep roots in few social worlds.

Chapter 2 Notes

Chapter 3: Conveners

Conveners tend to be people who prefer security, are sensitive to social rejection, and are risk-averse.

Conveners are more likely to be trusted and trusting, especially with gossip. It makes their networks safe and comfy. This can form cliques and in-group favoritism. – Gossip helps alleviate emotional and physical discomfort. – People prefer people who are similar to them – Networks that are too inbred (similar) lead to less diversity

Trust is essential. It takes a long time to build. It requires vulnerability. Vulnerability shows that you have weaknesses and require help. This helps when one is facing a crisis. – no foolproof sign of showing trust, but there are ways to [[Outsmarting Anger by Joseph Shrand and Leigh Devine Chapter 4#^b517ab|look more trustworthy]] – self-disclosure produces a sense of closeness that is gradual. It helps if it's reciprocal. – too much is bad

Chapter 3 Notes

Chapter 4: Brokers

Brokers are rare. They bridge together diverse social networks. They are good at adapting to any social situation. This is often because they are high self-monitors (meaning they know what image to project). – can be seen as going with the flow or trying to get ahead

People with power are more willing to broker despite having less opportunities to do so. They are also less accurate with relationships.

Arbitraging (buying and selling something) can be perceived as manipulation. This makes brokers look more like “assholes,” especially when they are loosely connected to a convening network. The most untrustworthy are those who speak their minds, but brokers who have high self-monitoring are more trustworthy (even more so than non-brokers).

Chapter 5: Expansionist

Expansionists are nice. In general, givers have larger networks than takers. – if you give time to help others, you will feel like you have more time – giving, service, and gratitude guard against loneliness

Expansionists must have effective systems to manage their contacts. Their largest barriers are time and mental capacity.

Popularity –> more rewards, performance, success. – popularity –> more popularity – more connections –> easier network growth – early popularity is crucial. Small differences in the initial phase make a huge difference – ease of communication, confidence are crucial to popularity

There are 2 types of popularity: – status: visibility, power, influence – likability: making others feel valued and welcomed. Are good [[You're Not Listening by Kate Murphy|listeners]]

Your friends are more likely to be popular than you. Many people have a few friends, while a few have large numbers.

Chapter 5 Notes

Chapter 6: In the Mix

One can mix network styles to suit one's needs. Different networks have different strengths and weaknesses. – When in turbulent times, increase your network size. It may be easier to reduce your network size, but reaching out will help you. – When young with little experience or power, be expansionist.

Networks can change, but don't forget about dormant ties. They are more useful than current strong and weak ties. The most useful ones are dormant ties with the highest status, trustworthiness, and willingness to help. – Time and embarrassment may be the largest obstacles, but reaching out is easier and more enjoyable than you think.

Network perceptions often outweighs network reality. – use advocates as complement to reputation building, particularly those with denser, larger, and more diverse networks – help others, gain trust

Core networks with 12-18 contacts and 6 critical connections do well. The 6 important critical connections are: 1. Access to information 2. Formal power 3. Developmental feedback 4. Sense of purpose 5. Personal support 6. Help with work-life balance

Chapter 7: In the Moment

High quality interactions are beneficial. It doesn't matter how long it is or how close the other person is to you. Relationships are dependent on moment-by-moment interaction.

When people are in a rush, stressed, or distracted, they are less likely to help. It also impairs our ability to listen and understand. – phones impair ability to connect, especially in meaningful conversations. But, they are good as anesthesia.

Questions lead to more connections and likability. The 6 types are: 1. Introduction 2. Full switch: changes topic 3. Partial switch: also changes topic 4. Follow-up: asks about something you were just discussing. Builds rapport. 5. Mirror: similar to question asked, but turned toward questioner – A: “How's your day?” – B: “Good. How was yours?”

The 36 Questions That Lead to Love lays the groundwork, but follow-up questions are where the magic happens. It shows you're listening, which leads to more trust, likability, and motivation. It is more likely to fix another person's problems.

Emotions filter listening such that we listen to what we want to listen. Most people just understand and do, but don't grasp the meaning or emotion of a conversation.

Touch is a medium of social expression. It can increase positive perceptions if done correctly. – perfect touch: warm skin, moderate pressure, moving at 1 inch per second – the closer you are to someone (from a relationship perspective), the more of their body you can touch.

Chapter 7 Notes

Chapter 8: Human Design

People do not like to contradict authority. Fear, risk of damaging relations, and experiencing retribution are the biggest reasons why. – End the blame game. Replace it with curiousity. – Best time to engineer psychological safety (freedom from interpersonal fear) is at the beginning. If missed, it will take a long time to build.

Jerks reduce psychological safety. Slackers and pessimists also reduce performance. Bad behaviors are more infectious than good. – Need 5 good interactions for every bad interaction – 1-2 people can ruin everything – Deal with jerks by showing them how they act and letting them arrive at their own conclusion. – If you choose to do direct confrontation (not the best option), back it up with many examples and people – You could be a jerk yourself – Power, stress, exhaustion makes us meaner

Respect and civility goes a long way.

Chapter 9: Work/Life

People tend to prefer to separate their work life from their actual life. Having “work friends” is hard because work is transactional, friends are not. There are benefits to work friends, however.

People who are share “uncommon commonalities” feel closer. People prefer friends who are similar to them physically too. This can be a disadvantage, particularly for women and minorities.

Chapter 9 Notes

Chapter 10: Everyone's Connected

“Everyone on this planet is connected by only six other people.... You [just] have to find the right six people to make the connection.” – Guare #quote #relationships

Humanity's combined networks creates the right kind of order and disorder whereby you are closely connected to everyone else.