A conversation happened
It was quite hot an afternoon.
Summer days in Santiago are insufferable, specially if you hate this bloody city and summer. Something funny happens: whatever goes inside your skull, starts boiling. Only it's not funny, of course, because the thinking becomes more intense, crashing against every corner of your head (though, in my head, a head does not have corners, for it is a spherical space), but it most than makes up for the pain of having to share a metro wagon on the way back home. It's not always easy, though. Reading, for example, where thinking is – where it should be -present the most, becomes a chore, what with the constant swinging, the train rocking you to sleep ever so gently, and you'd be a fool not to accept this timid slumber dance invitation, but you are (I am) a fool, so you (I) decide to keep reading or listening to some philosophy podcast you're (I'm) coming back to after a while, after having left it forgotten at the back of one of your (my) mind's cabinets where no light has shone in a fucking century and you are positive there must be something close to a million squeaky critters waiting to jump you as soon as they feel threatened by your mere intention of getting a step closer than permitted, but you don't who is permitting anything, who has set the permissions, or what the permissions even are, but they're there and there's nothing you can do about, or maybe there is, but that feels like something you (I) can do tomorrow, it's not such a terrible thing really, so why bother?
The thing is that the boiling inside your (my) brain needs to let some of the pressure out, I mean, it has to. And unless you talk about it, it feels like the pressure keeps adding on. Fortunately, some days, the pressure is released by others, a coworker, when they very innocently explain to another coworker, alas, quite mistakenly, that you are (I am) a very pessimistic person.
I don't feel insulted a lot, or even a little, by this, or maybe I do, I'm not really sure, I haven't decided whether I am a pessimistic or not, so I feel a funny little quirky tingling in my head when he finishes talking (thus making my coworker not quite mistaken as I mentioned earlier). Thing is, the other coworker looks at him, then at me, asking for an explanation.
“It's not that I'm a pessimistic, it's just I'm not sure I believe in some things I used to take for granted. For example, currently I'm under the impression that I don't think there's such a thing as free will.” I use these words very carefully, wouldn't want them to think I'm talking with absolute certainty when I'm of the idea that it's quite possible that such a thing may not even be possible to begin with, not that they would know about it, because I've never told them, but still, I chose those words, because word choosing is an exercise we should all take part in with the utmost dedication, and I try to do it most of the time.
The thing is that it was quite hot an afternoon. And when it's summer and you're in Santiago, and your brain is constantly boiling hot with the stuff you haven't found yet a way to keep low for a while, and your coworker says something like “he's a pessimistic” and your other coworker looks at you as if waiting for an explanation, and your explanation is that you're currently under the impression that you don't think there's such a thing as free will, then you finally feel relieved, because you know there's absolutely no way anybody will let that slide, what do you mean? Free will is, of course, what makes us human, what separates us from et cetera.
I had been thinking hard about this issue for about two years, after I read some essay by someone whose name I can't recall, which led me down the path that I am now. I haven't been able to talk about it openly with anyone because I know it's not something that either, a) is of much interest for people, b) comes up naturally in a conversation, or c) elicits quick responses, which, in turn, means time is a necessary resource to have at hand when talking about it. This day, though, against many odds, these conditions met.
Though the original coworker, the one who brought the subject up, quickly left the conversation, the second coworker seemed to bona fide enjoy the argument. We started talking and kept talking about it, sharing our experiences and arguments for the better part of almost two hours (work was quite light that day). I must say, it was a fantastic time to let ourselves travel to those dusted parts of our brains we seldom just let lie gathering dust. He recognised some of my arguments were sound and I did gain new perspectives from which to analise the whole thing.
I still am of the impression that free will is not true, but just a helpful belief in our everyday life. My problem with that, though, is whether we should – as in morally should – hold beliefs we know are not true and do not correspond to the nature of the universe (that we know of so far) only for the sake of being helpful. I'm still debating about this and I'm not even close to reaching a conclusion.
All things considered, though, this conversation was incredible. It was a nice experiment, specially since neither party was concerned with being right, but rather with sharing our knowledge, finding gaps in our thinking and trying to get to the truth (which, of course, we didn’t).
I wonder if that's how Socrates felt when he talked to people in Athens. If so, then no wonder he did it; no wonder we know about it today.
Please try this at home and work. It'll make these fucking summer days in Santiago (or wherever part of the world you are and in whatever season you hate the most) all much more tolerable.