22 03 24 [10:20]

I just sat down at home after returning from an appointment with my psychiatrist. I have a lot to think about. I'll just list them out first so I can get the most out of this.

shame response to medication vs.
actual thoughts on medication
hesitance to bring up hypotheses on diagnoses
inability to think in conversation
responses to physical ailments

[11:00]

Okay so I don't know if I can get through all this. I had to take my dog out and I'm just now sitting back down. My train of thought has been broken and found so many times at this point. I'll try.

I have these ideas instilled into my subconscious that drugs which can be used recreationally are just plain bad, even when used to treat an illness. It's no surprise. It's the way I was raised. Even though, rationally, I know that no drugs are good or bad and when used to treat an illness, it's effectively always on the side of better as opposed to worse. It's incredibly frustrating. I've noticed when I'm not around my family this sort of thing always fades away. I need to build up my reality to be more robust, which means I need to talk to more people I actually generally agree with and like. I need to immerse myself in a community of people like me. Rather, a community of all types of people. I've already got one type of people all around me, so I could stand to exclude that at least. All I care about when selecting people around me is how much love-rooted interaction is likely to occur as opposed to hate-rooted interaction. It's so strange how some people's beliefs have love so hardwired into them yet they end up emitting the least amount of love of anyone.

I am really bad at not trusting my own thoughts in regard to what might be wrong with me. I'm pretty sure it was trained into me by my family. I have some very strong and negative thoughts on that. Regardless, I think it would also be solved with enough company of the right people. Actually, this one might be solved by not interacting with my family as opposed to increased interaction of others. At the very least I need to figure out a way to shield myself from the toxic fucking programming they want tacked on to their religion. Every interaction I have outside of my family makes me realize how much less of an issue my decisions and actions are in relation to conflicts in my life. And I don't want that to be the case. What happens if I get used to it and I start using the majority of my social interaction allotment for normal, healthy-to-be-around people? Will I even be able to tell who the aggressor is when I've learned that the default is other people and I can't rely on my feelings to tell me otherwise since my programmed intuition is always that I'm wrong?

I've really struggled with accurately conveying my thoughts to my psychiatrist. I just don't have the access to my mind/memories I normally do outside of conversation. I cannot for the life of me circumvent it. I don't really have much else to say about it. It just fucking sucks. Hopefully when I start on ADD medication next month — if I do — things will start to get better in that regard. WE WILL SEE.

I told him about some physical issues I was having. I was constipated for a month and going on like 2.5 months now I've been uncomfortably bloated. In these past 3 or 4 days I've been having issues with my bladder. I've been waking up multiple times in a night to pee. I'll drink water a couple hours before bed, pee right before bed, wake up 4 hours later in pain from the urge to pee, I'll pee, go to bed, wake up 3 hours later, pee even more, go back to bed, wake up, and pee again with no water in between any of it. So... a quiet voice in my head thinks it's diabetes. I really hope not but it aligns with my shitty bingey-starvey diet. I have to go to a doctor. I'm not glad about it.

I just want to eat ice cream, drink a cup of coffee, sit down with a 6 pack and teriyaki fried rice, and watch a movie. Too bad I can't do any of that right now. Blargh. Well the coffee I can do...

weeee

Edited 22 03 28