RiverXerces

22 08 13 [22:20]

The amount of progress I've made in the past months is unreal to me. I think about what I've been able to accomplish in the past and it doesn't even compare to what I've learned to do in all but 2 -- 3 months? It feels great. But now I've hit a wall. I've always has an idea in my head, that once I started to achieve things, start going somewhere, that people would notice and treat me differently. I feel stupid now for thinking that people would notice or even care. Like, really fucking dumb. I know it's not really that crazy of a thing to think and I don't think it's conceited or anything. But I still feel fucking foolish. And I feel like a whiny child for writing about it now. I wish I didn't care. I wish all that mattered to me was my own recognition of my accomplishments. But that's not the case, and I have to get past it.

...

I really enjoy coding in Python. I wish I had a faster computer so I could actually use it for machine learning and stuff. It just isn't feasible to learn right now. Waiting 5 minutes to train a network on less than half a page of data just really isn't going to work out. At the very least it's much easier to make DLL calls and use the Win32 API in Python than it is with AutoHotkey. Well, only in some cases. And manually managing the memory of variables in AutoHotkey and all that is actually really fun so I prefer using AutoHotkey for that anyways. Also helps with understanding bit shifts, combining lowords/hiwords, etc. All the same, the actual act of coding in Python is really satisfying, so might as well make room for it.

I wanted to make a desktop app that embeds this website within it so I wouldn't have to open my main browser to use it but alas it does not allow for itself to be embedded. Sad.

22 05 28 [23:22]

After a while of dealing with the same kind of pain, I start to lose the ability to let go of things. My worries about what's wrong stake me to my ego and it scares me, only to drive the stake deeper. The longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to simply exist, to focus on my senses and nothing else. I just want to break the cycle but it's something I've never had to deal with before. I don't know how. Not yet, at least, short of accepting the worst possible thing that could happen to me. I guess I do know of a way. Now that I'm writing this, I realize it's the same way I've always dealt with these things. There's just a part of me now that won't accept it. There isn't any trick that I'm going to find. I just have to face the worst, accept it, and simply say "Fuck it" -- not with any sort of apathy or despair or resentment for my life, but with appreciation for things being the way they are. I have to appreciate the very things that make me miserable while suppressing my inner masochist.

I really don't want to do it. I don't want to face all of these worse-than-hell scenarios; but I have to, or the time I have left, up until the event that scares the shit out of me, is only going to be spent in agony, and the event will still occur.

22 04 03 [14:15]

I feel so hollow. I'm currently working on this piece of shit software I'm writing. I'm waiting for it to build right now so I thought Id write. Oop it's done. Looks good so far. It's going to take forever to finish. I've definitely got time if I can just finish it before I lose track of what I'm doing. So it goes...

Damn coffee won't cool. Vape is burning. At least there are trees I can look at. There is someone to talk to if I just put in the effort. It's not like I don't have the time... I have the time to do anything I want at the moment, just not the resources. The grass is shitty on both sides here and I can't climb the fence anyways.

My reality needs to change more than it's currently changing. I'll get it eventually but sooner is better than later. Life is too short. I have some hope for the future months.

On an unrelated side note, nobody ever knows what the fuck I'm talking about and it's damn annoying. It seems like my problem most of the time, though I do meet people who know exactly what I'm saying, and then I wonder. It seems as though the people immediately around me are mainly who don't know what I'm talking about. I want to stop trying to adjust to the environment around me and just change my environment. Enough time, enough resources...

22 03 31 [14:30]

I just ordered some food through Publix delivery. I did the same thing last week. I have the trial; I'm probably not going to renew it. And then I'll have to show my face in public :(. Oh well.

I need to get a headphone dongle for my iPhone to use my newer headphones but I don't want to spend money on that. I'm stubborn when it comes to stupid fucking companies turning features into "priveleges". Giving my money to some random Chinese company for it seems slightly better at least, if not just to turn a sure negative thing into a guess.

I can feel my focus being tugged,
gently, 
as though by tidal forces.

I try to oppose the force equally,
careful not to pull too hard,
waiting to see if I didn't pull hard enough.

I'm near the crest of the wave,
straightening my body and neck,
prolonging the immanent fall as best I can.

22 03 28 [19:30]

That past two days have been rough. I haven't slept in about 60 hours and my meds don't allow for hypomania anymore. So it just sucks. I really just want to trigger it, get some shit done, and crash into a deep depressive haze and slumber. It's like I'm on the verge of hypomania but my meds keep me from going over the edge. I sort of miss the days where all I had to do was not sleep and drink a cup of coffee in the morning and go crazy until nightfall. It's just a nice respite from depression. In moderation... and not around people... and only when it's actually fun... I guess it was pretty bad actually.

On the bright side, I'm really loving this monitor that I turned sideways for writing and reading stuff. It feels like some novel technology lol but I've used it for years and I literally just turned it sideways and now it's the future. I get some more THC tomorrow, thank Gobb for that.

22 03 24 [10:20]

I just sat down at home after returning from an appointment with my psychiatrist. I have a lot to think about. I'll just list them out first so I can get the most out of this.

  • shame response to medication vs.
  • actual thoughts on medication
  • hesitance to bring up hypotheses on diagnoses
  • inability to think in conversation
  • responses to physical ailments

[11:00]

Okay so I don't know if I can get through all this. I had to take my dog out and I'm just now sitting back down. My train of thought has been broken and found so many times at this point. I'll try.

I have these ideas instilled into my subconscious that drugs which can be used recreationally are just plain bad, even when used to treat an illness. It's no surprise. It's the way I was raised. Even though, rationally, I know that no drugs are good or bad and when used to treat an illness, it's effectively always on the side of better as opposed to worse. It's incredibly frustrating. I've noticed when I'm not around my family this sort of thing always fades away. I need to build up my reality to be more robust, which means I need to talk to more people I actually generally agree with and like. I need to immerse myself in a community of people like me. Rather, a community of all types of people. I've already got one type of people all around me, so I could stand to exclude that at least. All I care about when selecting people around me is how much love-rooted interaction is likely to occur as opposed to hate-rooted interaction. It's so strange how some people's beliefs have love so hardwired into them yet they end up emitting the least amount of love of anyone.

I am really bad at not trusting my own thoughts in regard to what might be wrong with me. I'm pretty sure it was trained into me by my family. I have some very strong and negative thoughts on that. Regardless, I think it would also be solved with enough company of the right people. Actually, this one might be solved by not interacting with my family as opposed to increased interaction of others. At the very least I need to figure out a way to shield myself from the toxic fucking programming they want tacked on to their religion. Every interaction I have outside of my family makes me realize how much less of an issue my decisions and actions are in relation to conflicts in my life. And I don't want that to be the case. What happens if I get used to it and I start using the majority of my social interaction allotment for normal, healthy-to-be-around people? Will I even be able to tell who the aggressor is when I've learned that the default is other people and I can't rely on my feelings to tell me otherwise since my programmed intuition is always that I'm wrong?

I've really struggled with accurately conveying my thoughts to my psychiatrist. I just don't have the access to my mind/memories I normally do outside of conversation. I cannot for the life of me circumvent it. I don't really have much else to say about it. It just fucking sucks. Hopefully when I start on ADD medication next month — if I do — things will start to get better in that regard. WE WILL SEE.

I told him about some physical issues I was having. I was constipated for a month and going on like 2.5 months now I've been uncomfortably bloated. In these past 3 or 4 days I've been having issues with my bladder. I've been waking up multiple times in a night to pee. I'll drink water a couple hours before bed, pee right before bed, wake up 4 hours later in pain from the urge to pee, I'll pee, go to bed, wake up 3 hours later, pee even more, go back to bed, wake up, and pee again with no water in between any of it. So... a quiet voice in my head thinks it's diabetes. I really hope not but it aligns with my shitty bingey-starvey diet. I have to go to a doctor. I'm not glad about it.

I just want to eat ice cream, drink a cup of coffee, sit down with a 6 pack and teriyaki fried rice, and watch a movie. Too bad I can't do any of that right now. Blargh. Well the coffee I can do...

weeee

Edited 22 03 28

22 03 22 [14:00]

I'm watching the trees outside my window. The amount of information to discern from them is infinite for all I know. I could look at them and notice something new in every moment if I developed the attention for it. I can look at a single frond of pine needles and soak it in as it sways in the wind. I can see the way it changes and the way it stays the same. I can see things with empathy that are impossible to know. I feel my interpretation of what the frond would communicate its experiences as. I can "talk" to a single needle or to a tree as a whole, or even all the trees together. There are some things I get excited about noticing but never end up figuring out a good 'use' for. I'll have this feeling that says 'This is important, remember this for later' and it just fades away — first the feeling, then the thought.

22 03 21 [16:55]

I worked on a commission for someone today. It's probably half way done and I'll finish it tomorrow. I wish I could just be motivated on a schedule so I could have a daily work routine. That would be amazing but there's no correlation with anything I've noticed. So I'll have to keep on going as is. It's a little easier to get things done with a small amount of THC in me. I used to get super stoned every time I smoked. I never got much done that way. It's much easier to relax, let go, and just draw. Too much though and I have to lay down.

I think I'm going to intentionally do just that in a couple of hours. I need to clean, do laundry, eat, and hide my food.

22 03 21 [09:00]

These fucking guys. I've got another debate on in the background. I'm not really listening to it much as I get everything done for the morning. Well I sort of am now as I'm typing this. I'm watching a debate moderated by Dylan Burns. I usually like Dylan Burns. He's just a very good moderator and generally knows what he's talking about. The debates often hurt my brain, though. I mean they're incredibly performative, it just goes with the Twitch/Youtube/Twitter/etc. platforms. They're kind of shit sometimes. I can't listen to that noise regularly.

I'm drinking more coffee today than yesterday. I don't think I had enough. The most important thing for my well-being in general is sleep but I have only so much control over that. My meds help more than anything in regard to sleep.

I feel like I need to spread some of my negativity for a change. I try to keep it inside of me because I don't want to have negative impacts on people I interact with. Though I'm wondering recently whether that's actually the thing to do. I've tried "being an asshole" to some people close to me recently and it seems to have improved some situations. Of course it isn't like I'm going off unprovoked just to take my unrelated frustrations out on other people. I was just saying what my thoughts were and the people around me were kind of treating me like shit so my thoughts weren't very pleasant. When someone isn't willing to talk to you privately about something but they complain to other people about you, I don't know of another way to handle it. Seems like all you can do is to avoid not bringing things up when it's socially inappropriate, seeing as they're effectively blocking any situation where it would be appropriate to bring certain things up from ever happening. Whatever, though. I'm just going to remove my filter for a little while and see how that goes. I have high hopes.

22 03 20 [16:05]

My brain feels empty at the moment but I know it's not. There's always something to write about when I convince myself I can't think.

I was thinking how I form habits and forget about them. That scares me or frustrates me depending on the moment. It seems like it's just a characteristic of being a human but that thought doesn't comfort me very much. It also makes me excited to an extent, that I have things to work on and I have more ways to figure out what they are than I ever have; and that will always be true. But that's just the other side of things, I still hate it as well. That is, really forming negative habits and forgetting. I suppose I don't mind the positive habits... and I suppose external forces do end up showing you a lot of your negative habits as they're carried out. I'm not sure if I just don't pay enough attention.

I can't stop eating. I'm trying to just snack on small things at least but not doing a great job. I've got some peanut butter in front of me and the jar is slowly emptying. It is below the mid-line now. My poor dog can only have so much peanut butter. He's hanging in there, watching me devour his favorite snack and receiving a small fraction of it himself. I'll give him a little more the next time I think I'm done. I need to take him deep into the woods before dark.

I didn't get much done today. I still can. I usually kind of get a second wind at the end of the day. I just have to sleep soon afterwards. I mainly spent the day thinking about things with debates on in the background, spending a small portion of time trying some css properties I'm just learning or relearning.

I feel people with gods often do this thing, but definitely not all. They'll hint at something they don't agree with about you, but won't directly say anything about it. If you point it out they'll completely deny there was any reason they said it other than "just talking". But it's clearly in the context of what is being said and they won't admit what their feelings or thoughts are on a subject. I wonder sometimes how aware most of these people are of it and if it's literally their conscious manifestations of a god forcing them to say it. But in both this situation and the situation where they're just not honest with either themselves or others, a subconscious process is speaking out and they wouldn't have as much awareness or control over it, which makes it very hard to talk about with them. It's increasingly frustrating because I know all their problems with me but they refuse to talk about any of it. Not all people with gods are like this. I think it depends on how your god develops, which you have total control over I believe, so... But I wonder how much of a determining factor it should be in the people I keep around me.

Edited 22 03 22 [15:00]