22 05 28 [23:22]
After a while of dealing with the same kind of pain, I start to lose the ability to let go of things. My worries about what's wrong stake me to my ego and it scares me, only to drive the stake deeper. The longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to simply exist, to focus on my senses and nothing else. I just want to break the cycle but it's something I've never had to deal with before. I don't know how. Not yet, at least, short of accepting the worst possible thing that could happen to me. I guess I do know of a way. Now that I'm writing this, I realize it's the same way I've always dealt with these things. There's just a part of me now that won't accept it. There isn't any trick that I'm going to find. I just have to face the worst, accept it, and simply say "Fuck it" -- not with any sort of apathy or despair or resentment for my life, but with appreciation for things being the way they are. I have to appreciate the very things that make me miserable while suppressing my inner masochist.
I really don't want to do it. I don't want to face all of these worse-than-hell scenarios; but I have to, or the time I have left, up until the event that scares the shit out of me, is only going to be spent in agony, and the event will still occur.