Feedback on my dating doc and personal user manual

July 12, 2026

When I take a break from much more stressful things that I'm working on, one of my leisure side projects right now is revising my dating doc and my personal user manual. I made some updates to my dating doc then posted a screenshot to most of my social media profiles and invited feedback. I got mostly helpful responses, except on Threads where it went viral and drew a lot of vitriol. After a few requests, I also posted most of my personal user manual on Threads. The user manual thread received much less attention, so most of the feedback was about the dating doc. At this point I've gotten most of the feedback that I expect to get and made some further changes to both documents based on some of it. Today I'm writing about all of the feedback, responding to some of it in aggregate, describing how I used it, etc.

First, feedback on both documents:

The single most common piece of feedback was that I am ugly. Of course I already know this, so there wasn't much to do with this not-new information. A slightly more helpful variation was that the photo I was using was a bad photo, and/or that people would want to see my hair or beard in a different configuration. This was also not news to me, but I had chosen that photo because partners at the time said it was a good photo of me. After a few people gave more specific suggestions, I ended up picking three photos to replace the one in the dating doc, all warmer and more active and less staged. I kept the original photo for the personal user manual.

The second most common was some combination of “you're clearly autistic” and “you should see a therapist”. I already know that I'm autistic, and I've never managed to find a therapist that was useful for me. I'm open to more actionable input on either of those fronts, but don't have much to do with them right now.

There were many complaints about the length of each document. As the TLDR section of the user manual opens, “If you skipped down to this section because this document is too verbose [...] for you, there’s a decent chance that I am, too.” The user manual doc ended up 300 words longer after this revision. However, I did manage to shave about 15% off the word count of the dating doc, also partially motivated by making more space for two more photos.

Many people seemed to object to the existence of either type of document. I am already well aware that most people haven't ever seen such a thing. I wasn't quite prepared for the level of negative response. Obviously I already know I want to write and share these sorts of docs, so I mostly ignored this.

Next, the dating doc:

First, feedback on both documents:

Next, the dating doc:

The most common response was outrage at the age range I listed. I wasn't surprised by the response, but I was by the level of hate that came with it. Despite it being an accurate confidence interval for who I expect a mutually fulfilling relationship with, I ended up cutting it. This is the most dishonest thing I did in this round of revisions, and I'm still figuring out how I feel about that. Surprisingly, there was a sizable contingent who explicitly demanded a symmetric age range; they would be fine with me dating a 28 year old if I also dated a 60 year old.

A very common category of feedback was regarding my relatively early statement that I am polyamorous and kinky. Many people didn't like that it was included at all, that it was in such a prominent position, that it specifically mentioned kink, that it didn't give more info about my poly lifestyle, or that someone who looks like me would say such things. I ended up removing “and kinky”, hoping the Fetlife link at the bottom of the doc will speak for itself, and adding “, usually with one or two partners”.

The biggest miscommunication that I saw repeatedly was a perception of contradiction/hypocrisy in two of the deal breakers I listed, one about me prioritizing people's commitments over their emotions, another about a partner not considering negative consequences of their actions. It seems like a lot of people can't grasp the concept of considering negative consequences but still taking the action in question. I tried rewording that one, but am not sure how effective that was. Based on a bit deeper discussion with some very helpful folks, I think I was able to reword the commitments sentence to make it somewhat more clear whose commitments it is referring to.

I saw a lot of confusion about how I (or anyone) might use a dating doc. I gave some answers in response, but don't think I need to change anything about the doc for this reason. If you get it, you'll already know how you got it.

Many people said the document seems too much like “ordering off a menu”, “build a wife”, etc. I wasn't really sure what to do with that. It seems obvious to me that describing all the things I'm looking for would look basically the same as describing my one perfect partner.

Many within that group were also saying it sounded like I was looking for unpaid labor and project assistance, a bang maid, a business partner, etc. This echos feedback I've seen about intentional community as well. It seems like many people find the idea completely alien that two (or more) people might actually have similar and/or complementary desires and needs that mesh in a mutually beneficial way. I don't want someone to [activity] with me just because we're dating. I want someone who dates me because they are excited about the opportunity to [activity] together. This goes for everything from road trips to barn raising to sex to nonprofit founding. I don't know how to distinguish between those two things to the common reader.

Fewer, but still many, people were concerned by asymmetry in some of my statements, e.g. “you want to share ... aspects of my life”. I reworded a few of these, e.g. “... aspects of our lives”. I also tried to make it a little more clear that all the things I'm looking for in a partner are also things I consider to be true about myself.

More than a few people said that listing “Intelligent, Competent, and Capable” was too braggish, so I ditched that.

More than a few objected to my list of things we might do while dating, claiming that every normal relationship involves the things I've listed. I envy those people the life experience where they have never [had a friend who] had a partner who didn't share hobbies with them, live with them, write letters, exchange skills, etc. I remain confident that there are many people not looking for those things in a relationship, so I'm keeping the list.

A few people objected to my mention of rational decision making, including claiming that they themselves had no problem acting rationally. I threw in a “study” to try to make it more clear that this is a serious pursuit, not just “being normal”.

A few objected to some or all of the online profile links at the bottom of the doc. One person even objected specifically to the order. I kept them, in a slightly different order not related to that specific objection.

I got various disconnected bits of feedback about the verbosity of the opening paragraphs and repetition of some words and phrases. I ended up trimming about a third of that part, some with a more general eye to brevity and some to resolve those specific concerns.

There were many unique concerns, some of which I heeded and many of which I didn't. Two friends convinced me to remove “financially secure” since its temporary inaccuracy has stretched out longer than expected. One person thought the acknowledgements line was totally inappropriate, but I disagreed. Another thought it was about my past partners, so I clarified that.

Then the personal user manual:

Basically every negative thing about myself that I say in this document was called out repeatedly as something I shouldn't tell people, as if letting them know in advance was somehow worse than them discovering it in the middle of a conversation or relationship.

More than a few people were upset at the idea that I would give a copy of this document to a colleague, since it has sections about sex and kink. I added a new second paragraph to the document in an attempt to make it extremely clear that the set of people I am writing for is much larger than the set I would send/give a copy to.

Someone pointed out that there were too many “etc” and similar, so I made a pass of replacing them with more specific elaborations.

Finally, the ugly stuff:

Being this open about myself has some predictable negative outcomes, and this time was no different. Sprinkled throughout the comments were the usual instances of various awful accusations with little to no basis. Mostly games of telephone haunting me from years and decades past, including recurring misinterpretations of things I've written. However, there was one brand new example worth noting. Somehow more than a few people seem to have become convinced that I am banned from Burning Man and/or some regional burns. As far as I know, this is entirely untrue. Unfortunately that won't matter, and I'm sure I'll see many more echoes of this in future years. Time will tell how far this new rumor spreads and how much it hurts.

I suspect I've missed or forgotten a few categories of feedback. If I left yours out, I apologize. Thanks to everyone who has helped with this round of revisions. See you next time!