SALT
> This is not a story from today. It is not an easy read. It was not easy to live either. Today, things are different.
the water is salty. this i cannot do, all i think: this i cannot do. yet i do. the water is salty as it creeps into my orifices. it might as well be wounds for it hurts. this i cannot do, yet i do. the water is salty. as i shower tears become me. breathe, kid, breathe. calm down now. why did you ask this? why the fuck did you ask this? where do you come from? is it any of your fucking business? instead i answer. i lie as the answer they always want to hear is where my parents came from. as if that’s my cultural baggage. i don’t come from there. embarrassed i walked away. fuck this skin. the water is salty indeed. fuck. fuck. calm down, you’re about to kill yourself if you won’t calm down. if only. i still have patches on this body. this morning i underwent an ecg, the third in 24 hours, as once again my heart was racing. race harder already. the patches are salty. everything is salty. they were lies. i lied to them. i lied to myself. i had no idea. it is not the abuse in my childhood. it is not the fear how they will treat me. it is me. fuck. this is not me. it is not. i can’t be this. i hate this. this is not me. on my way i froze before i entered the train. i couldn’t do it, no matter the consequences. it took me three hours and police intervention. then, on the train, i started to hyperventilate. outside the train station police spotted me once more. are you ok? i was physically barely able to answer. i collapsed and they half-carried me to their car. now drenched in sweat i stepped inside the bureau. minutes later a man arrived, he told me he worked for a crisis intervention service. he sat next to me and silently let me know everything would be ok. it will not be ok, dude. it will not be ok. look at me. look at me. this is who i am, i am not this. he asked for my id. oh lord. don’t. yes, there it is. don’t call me by that name. i am not that name, yet i am. heart, race me to the dead, just once? i let you win, promise. the man left again. nothing. so much for it being ok. i was asked to leave the bureau. get myself together. i went on my way once more. now i was found on the streets. passed out. the ambulance is on its way, strangers told me. fuck. it was 05:00 when i left the hospital. nothing to be found. i guess that made sense as i struggled to find myself. i stepped into the pouring rain. cats, dogs, elephants. and me. only idiots would venture outside in this weather. there was nowhere to go and i left. i am not sure what happened next. i just can’t remember. now there was this other town. i stood in the middle of it. never been here before. no idea why i am here. and then there was an ambulance again. did i call you? did you call me? what happened? as i collapsed they attached the patches, and the cords. remain calm, he said. yeah, you try my weekend, dude. unable to find anything he left wishing me good luck. why won’t you find me? i was unable to move. the only thing i remembered were the emergency services. i was afraid. i called. help me, please. no help. i called again. help me, please. no help. i didn’t know where i was. i was afraid. i tasted salt. help me, please. now they called me back. we can’t help you, she said. that’s what the world’s been telling me for 20 years. all i need is something lethal. don’t be silly, she said. i said she was just as evil as everybody else. then she asked me to come over. together we spent many hours trying to find solutions. nothing. no one. forget it. we don’t want him. i am not a him. i don’t want me, either. how jealous i am for you to be able to walk away. i want to walk away too. leave behind this ghastly disgraceful despicable being. if only. then they said yes and now i am here. i am afraid and locked myself in the shower. i nearly, sadly nearly, choke as i hyperventilate and breathe in the water. i panic. i panic. the water is salty indeed.
LIEVEN // PAPER // MASTODON // CC BY-NC-SA