Loneliness, Relationships, and Life Changes.

I'm in a mood both lonely and self reflective tonight.

While I can't be sure what the trigger is, I figure it's a mixture of stress over the metal health of my kids and the talk I need to have with their mother on the subject. Combined with, on reflection, how much I enjoyed my time with my kids last week. Plus I'm just ...spent and tired. The weekend was a long one.

I haven't put much stock in Fitbits “readiness score” before. And when I saw it was at a “1” this morning, I rolled my eyes. But... Maybe there's something to it after all, if mood and motivation are any indication.

Since ending my work day and having a nap, I've spent most of my evening in bed or on the couch.

There's no denying it. I'm a little hungry for companionship right now. I find myself wishing for a partner to cuddle up in bed with. Someone to hide away from the world with.

This is a bit of an unusual desire for me. I'm typically the partner with a solid foothold on reality, and who can use the firm grip to shelter my partner from the world. Letting her forget her stresses for a bit. To be carefree for a time, while I carry the burdens of life. It rejuvenates me to BE that shelter for others.

And yet, as I type this, I'm struck with the use of the word “partner” and find myself longing for exactly that.

This is gonna sound like I'm shitting on those I've loved in the past – I promise I'm not. My ex girlfriend and my ex wife have their merits. The goal of my ramblings is to examine why “partner” is such a strong word to me today – and for that I'm gonna have to look at my role in my relationships.

Now... If you don't already know, in addition to identifying as #asexual for the last few years, I'm also #polyamorous and #kinky. Specifically, I like Dominant/submissive relationships – #DDlg to be specific.

So, as a DaddyDom – yes, I find the part of my relationships where I'm a caregiver very satisfying. It's empowering, it makes me feel appreciated and validated. Adored and half-worshipped is just.... an indescribable feeling. All the happy brain tingles happen.

But...

With my Ex-wife... For a long time, she filled that rule without knowing it. Neither of us knew if D/s at the time, much less DD/lg. I eventually learned more of such things and found it sounding “right” for me.

She, on the other hand, it's hard to describe. She started to identify more and more as a kick-ass independent woman. Which, fuck yeah! Strong women are sexy as heck.

But... She isn't really. She was generally dependent on me, and... A little resentful of it over time, perhaps?

She slowly became some of what bigots charicatureise feminists as being. She seems to think feminism is about being strong and independent to the point of being off-putting. But she also became... of the opinion that any woman embracing/displaying her sexuality was absolutely not a feminist.

I think it would be fair to call her a SERF, though she'd had the label – even while badmouthing sex workers. Make of it what you will.

The end result being that, we just drifted apart in what we wanted and needed from a romantic relationship. I might even argue that, by the end, we both wanted to be Head of Household.

Partners, we were not.

Moving to my recent ex-girlfriend... She was much more emotionally fulfilling. She was a natural babygirl. She wanted... Nay needed me to Daddy her.

When we started to talk about her coming here to visit (and eventually move here), she was so eager and excited. I've no doubt of her love for me. I've no doubt she meant all the things she said.

She told me how frustrated she was to hear of ExWifes housekeeping, opinions on my hobbies, and more. She felt it only fair if one person ina relationship spent extra hours at work and brought home twice what the other did, that it was only fair that household chores would bear inverse responsibility levels.

Fast forward a few years. We were together, and I was paying ALL of our bills. She was gainfully employed, but rent was all me. Cell phone, all me. Insurance, all me. Utilities, rent, gas all me.

As for chores? I did my laundry. I did the cooking and dishes. I was told, explicitly l, that my bedroom and my office were mine to clean. In fairness, she'd get tired of my messy office and”help me clean” by doing 90% of the cleaning and organizing for me.

Once a month or so she'd buy that week's groceries and/or clean the living room.

Eventually she moved out to try living on her own, paying bills, keeping house etc. I supported this.

Initially my support was emotional. Then I paid a good chuck of her first month's rent. And the next month a different bill. And then another. All while still paying for the old apartment (before the lease came up and I could move somewhere less expensive), her health insurance, and her phone.

Even post-breakup, several things are in my name....

So again, while I had a romantic life with someone – and the best one in my life – I still didn't have a partner.

And now... Now I find that's what I really want. A partner. Someone as interested in meeting my needs, as I am theirs. Someone who depends on me not of necessity – but as a matter of choice.

Someone who can choose to lean on me, and who will also see when I need support and volunteer it (or, given my occasional stubbornness – force it upon me).

And so I have to give a good think about what I can do to identify and attract that sort of partner. What I can do to make sure I don't let myself just fall into my role in a relationship because it's convenient – but instead learn my needs and boundaries, and then express and maintain them.

If I'm going to Daddy someone, I should model good behavior for her. That starts with modeling how I care for myself – starting with my boundaries.