Mr. Funk E. Dude

Just stumbling around like the rest.

I've been asked more then a few times to show my livestreaming setup as well as what I use to broadcast. So here you go!

Front of hardware Because of lack of space I use a rolling desk as a studio. I use a green screen behind my chair and a light behind the desk. (both not shown) The desk is as shown with 2 ipads, a laptop, a Blue Yeti mic, and a camera (not shown because I use my iPhone as my camera and used it to take these pics.

Back of hardware I use 4 arms to hold everything up. The iPad arms are both bendable and very sturdy. The mic and camera arms are adjustable and lock at the joints for extra strength.

The software I use to livestream I've only been using a few months. Before I used OBS with a bunch of plugins. Now I use Evmux because it streamlines everything I was trying to do with OBS, namely bringing guests on, using transitions, multi-streaming, and switching scenes with my iPad using Touch Portal . The biggest difference between OBS and Evmux is that Evmux runs everything from my browser (must be a Chrome browser) so there's no extra software to run making it easier on my laptop. It's not as robust and I don't have as much control as I do with OBS, but for my needs, Evmux is perfect.

Evmux is free with a watermark but I use the Basic paid package. I suggest checking it out if you want to easily bring in guests, monitor multiple chats in one spot, highlight individual comments in the chat by showing them on screen, switch scenes using hotkeys, and of course, multi-streaming. To use stream alerts you'll need the Pro package, but I find them mostly distracting for what I do, so it's not a big deal for me.

I multi stream to YouTube, Twitch, and PeerTube. Since PeerTube is the least well known, I'll explain what it is and how to stream to it.

PeerTube is a video platform much like YouTube that is part of “The Fediverse”, a group of federated, decentralized services that are able to share info between them using the ActivityPub protocol. This means that if you use a service like Mastodon, you'll be able to follow someone on PeerTube and be notified when new content is created.

Before selecting a PeerTube instance (an “instance” is a public or private server running the PeerTube software) it's important to select an instance that uses a chat plugin with it's livestreaming. Currently PeerTube has no native chat for the livestream, but it's being worked on and is said to have an early 2024 release planned.

Once you've joined an instance, connecting it to Evmux is easy. Just click on “Publish” in the upper right corner. This will take you to a page where you can either upload a file, import a file from a url, or go live. It's the “Go live” that you'll want to click on. Once you do you'll be presented with choosing the channel that you want to put it in, the privacy level, and a choice between a Normal live where you stream only once and the replay will replace your live, or a permanent/recurring live where you stream multiple times and replays will be separate videos. I use the permanent/recurring.

Once you've chosen which type of live you want, you'll be shown your stream info which you'll enter into OBS or Evmux or whatever you are using. At that point, you're set to go. If you're using Evmux you wont see the chat like you do YouTube and Twitch in the dashboard. To compensate, I split my iPad screen and use half to monitor the PeerTube chat and the other half to use Touch-Portal.

And that's my setup. It took me a few years to put this all together. I find the hardware works great for small spaces and Evmux works great for my needs. If you have any questions, feel free to ask them on Mastodon where you can find me at @[email protected]

Sleep hates me.

I don't know why, but it's obvious that it does. I on the other hand love sleep. I chase it with abandon and pray to Morpheus for at least 6 hours of dreams each night. I'd like 8, but I know better then to tempt fate.

But sleep, it avoids me. It toys with me. Teases me. Get's me to think that things are going well, when BAM! Only 4 hours of sleep a night for a week or two and then I'm lucky if I can get a nap in that day for maybe an hour. I drag my ass trying to get things done, but it's a struggle, and everything ends up feeling like a chore. Even the things I should be enjoying.

That is sleeps plan though. To wear me down day by day. Sucking the creativity and any amount of desire out of my spirit that it can get its ethereal hands on. It wants to break me.

But it won't. We've been doing this dance for too long. I know it's every move.

The fight will continue. I have my melatonin and my CPAP as my armor. It may win small battles, but it will never win the war.

I waited for this game to go on sale since I played the first one for free and although I enjoyed it, I didn't enjoy it enough that I would have paid full price for it. So when Requiem dropped I knew I wanted to play it, and decided to wait for it to drop in price by half.

Plague Tale is the story of two 14th century children. Hugo a 6 year old boy, and his 15 year old sister Amicia, who are trying to cure Hugo of a disease that's killing him and is somehow connected to the plague of flesh eating rats that are invading cities all around them. The game is essentially 50% hiding and evading capture, and 50% creating light sources in order to evade the rats who wont go into the light.

Requiem, the second game in the series, takes place shortly after the first game ends and continues the games motif and gameplay. The only thing it seems to do differently, aside from progressing the lore, is ramp up the obvious PTSD in the children that they gained from the first game and put it on display. Amicia and Hugo both are heavily traumatized by their situation and display the classic signs of disassociation and intense anxiety one would expect.

And this is where my biggest criticism of the game comes in. While I applaud Asobo Studios for showing the reality of how these situations in video games would actually affect people, and especially children, the constant complaints and appeal to fear from both of the main characters although appropriate to their situation, gets tiring to listen to about half way through the game. I got sick of hearing Amicia tell Hugo that she wont leave him or give up on him and I was even more tired of hearing Hugo complain about how dark and scary things were and that they should go back.

There's just so much of it.

And of course there are little things that bugged me about the mechanics of how the game was played. For example there's a heavy need for fire, to keep the rats at bay with the light. Yet the game makes you drop necessary tools like torches, just to climb a ledge or jump down one. At one point in the game when you are both in the clutches of the rats nest, the game has you drop the torch and run from the very creatures the light of the torch forces back. It's little things like that which took me out of the game and scratch my head in wonder.

However, pushing through all of that, the game is fun to play. Figuring out what you need, collecting inventory along the way, solving puzzles, hiding from capture, it gets intense and can be very enjoyable. The graphics are beautiful, the voice acting is spot on, and the story is consistent in it's theme and strives to create a lore for future sequels. Would I recommend this game? Yes, but not at full price. It's fun, but gets annoying as well.

If you're thinking about buying this game, I suggest trying out a demo first if one is available to you. If not, pick it up when it drops under $35.

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I'm the type of person who can't let puzzles go unsolved. If there's a problem, I firmly believe that there's a solution. I approach my life in the same way. If there's something that I want, I find a way to get it.

Most of the time.

This time, I'm stuck.

I don't have a lot of space to myself at home. When I do my livestreams, I do them from the living room, sitting in a couch chair, with a green screen behind me, and a rolling laptop desk holding my laptop, two Ipads, and a mic in front of me. Behind that stands a ring light.

I live stream a few days a week from 2pm to 4pm. I have a few loyal viewers, but I think I would have more if I moved my time slot to 6pm to 8pm. There's a problem though.

You see, once a month, a friend from Canada comes for ten days for work, and sleeps in the living room on the pull out couch. This isn't a problem when I'm livestreaming at 2pm, but would be impossible after 6pm when he get's back from his office. Which means there would be two weeks out of the month where I couldn't stream at those hours.

The only other space I have is my bedroom that I share with my girlfriend.

There's not a lot of space in there thanks to the huge bed sitting in the middle of it. I do have about a 4-5ft space where I could fit a small table for my older laptop that I keep in the bedroom and a chair to sit in. All I would need is to bring up my green screen, and I would be good to go.

The smart thing to do, I think, considering the lack of space, would be to use a folding chair and a folding table so that I can store them against a wall and not take up space in the room permanently. Finding a folding table is easy. The part that amazed me, was how difficult it would be to find a folding chair that fits my needs.

If you didn't know, there are only a few types of folding chairs.

The most common type are the metal ones that sometimes have padding on the seat and the backrest. You see them in school gyms or churches most of the time. My problem is that most sit about an inch or two to low for me to sit comfortably with the knee that I just had surgery on.

The next kind are the collapsible ones that people take to parks or the beach. The problem with these are that they all sit low to the ground, making it difficult to sit at a desk.

The last kind are commonly referred to as “clam shells”. These are usually just cloth giant round pillows attached to some folding legs. Again, too low for a desk.

And this is where we come to the part that amazes me. You would think in a time where more people have smaller spaces to live in, that someone would have come up with the idea of comfortable work folding chairs that are meant to be sat in for hours at a time? BUT THERE AREN'T ANY. I looked.

Also, to make matters worse, I don't want to spend any money, or at least, very little.

So, I'm stuck. I can't find the chair I want, and even if I did, I don't have the money for it. My only other option that I can see, is to build one myself. Fortunately I do have one of those metal folding chairs with the padded back rest and seat. I think that if I build a platform for the chair to sit on, I can increase the height, and I should be able to find something to put on the back rest to increase support.

Now I have to figure out how I'm going to do all of that.

Wish me luck.

Written on Apr 10, 2023

We pulled up the short winding road that lead to The Magic Castle that sits on a hill in the middle of Los Angeles. From the outside the castle look like an old multi story house that someone decided to build a city around. The parking is at the bottom of the hill. Guests pull up to the house and are greeted by parking attendants who park your car at the bottom of the hill.

On this day, Easter, people were dressed in their best clothes, waiting in line to get in. Someone wore an Easter bunny costume and took pictures with the families that were waiting.

Once inside, you find yourself in a small room with a gift shop attached to it. There are no doors other then the one that we just came through. Once you have confirmed either your membership or your guest pass (The Magic Castle is “members only”) you are presented with a book case where, if you say the magic words “Open sesame”, the book case slides to the side, and a narrow hallway appears about 7 feet long with a suit of armor standing to the right. At the end of the hallway is a large foyer with a bar on the far wall ahead of you. People were milling around, ordering drinks or trying to simply usher their children somewhere else.

To the left of the bar is a small waiting area with a small table and 4 chairs. The chairs are old, as is everything in this mansion, and the table is worn with the drinks of millions of patronages before it. Facing the tables there are two hallways to the left and right, each leading to a small “theater” where close up magic shows are provided hourly for small crowds of around 20-40 people depending on which room.

On this visit we chose the larger room to see a young magician around 18 years old who was still in high school. An “apprentice” of sorts, this young man was under the tutelage of seasoned magicians and was presenting his routine this afternoon as a means of practicing his art. We were all brought into this small room where the children were all given front row seats. About 8 kids in total, all under the age of ten. I sat with my girlfriend directly behind them as their parents found seats or stood in the back to watch the show. The children talked to each other excitedly, showing off, trying to be funny, amusing each other as children often do.

Then a woman came to the front, welcomed everyone to the room they were in, and introduced our young magician. He came out, and began his show. His patter although well rehearsed had a touch of nervous energy that could only come from inexperience. The children, to young to follow the quick nervous pace of his routine, could barely keep up. To his credit, he tried to include them by having to do things like “shuffle this deck” or “flip through the cards and stop at any time” but to the children’s discredit, they were all a bit overwhelmed by the experience, needing prompting from their parents behind them more then a few times.

The show lasted about 20 minutes and was entertaining, even though the children created some hiccups along the way. My girlfriend and I left the room the way we came and headed bay to the foyer where the bar was, and headed up the stairs.

At the top of the stairs is the dinning area. Today a brunch buffet was being served and people were either trying to get their food, or were trying to get to one of the many rooms around it. We were seated and then shown to the buffet. There were many choices from salad, to shrimp cocktails, bacon, eggs, and an omelet station just to name a few things. (I even pocketed a few chocolate chip cookies in my pocket for later.)

The food was delightful. Better then a lot of buffets I’ve been to. The service, while rushed from the holiday crowd, was prompt and courteous. We felt bad for the servers. Having so many children around was obviously unusual and obstacles were at their feet left and right. We made sure to leave a good tip when we were done.

While we were eating, an older gentleman was going from table to table making all sorts of things from balloons. He stopped and asked us if we wanted something. Of course we couldn’t turn down the opportunity so we said yes and he quickly took a seat next to us.

Then he pulls out a single long balloon and starts to tell us a whimsical story of how he had challenged the worlds greatest balloon artist to make a teddy bear on a scooter. The story involves the size of the balloons and the egos of the combatants and finally resolves in the end by the fact that our story teller had used a shorter balloon to do what his foe could not do with a longer one. “Proving…” as he said “that it’s not the size of your balloon that matters, but how you use it.”. We laughed at his obvious allusion and thanked him as he wished us well and went on to the next table. (Later we would find that he was one of the chairmen of the Magic Castle and had helped to run it for over 30 years.)

After our meal we headed to the big afternoon show in the large theater. We went to the end of the dinning room to a long hallway that sloped down towards a much larger foyer then when we first entered the castle. Inside was a bar and a waiting area that lead into another room that held a stage with about 150 seats.

As we waited outside of the theater, I talked to a nice woman who was sitting next to me on a bench with her two children and her husband. I asked her if she had been here before, to which she told me that this was their first time and that she had been offered some guest passes by someone in a “mom group” and that this day was the last day she could use them before they expired. She told me how much they were enjoying everything and asked if I had been there before? I told her that this was my third time and she quickly asked me if it was always this chaotic and busy?

“No and yes.” I explained to her. “The children make it chaotic, but there’s usually not this many here. It is however always this busy.”

She laughed in an understanding way and said that she had just come from a previous room where a show had been presented and one of the children kept interrupting and trying to spoil the magicians tricks, much to the chagrin of the magician. She went on to tell me that the parents of the child said nothing while everyone else tried to hush the child.

“I felt so bad for the magician” she said. “I couldn’t understand why the kids parents did nothing???”

I agreed and as I did, a host came to the front of the line to allow everyone entry into the theater. We quickly found our seats and as in the previous performance, the children were allowed the front two rows. We waited for ten minutes when the lights dimmed and a voice came over the speakers to announce the beginning of the show.

Soon the lights came up on the stage and a man came out from the side of the curtain. He introduced himself as our M.C. and wowed the audience with a few tricks. Witty and obviously skilled you could tell that he had probably done this hundred if not thousands of times before. After his skills had been demonstrated he introduced another young man who had graduated high school and was currently touring his act all around the state. The young man came ridding in on an electric skateboard and proceeded to amaze the audience with a routine involving a sea shell and an amazing amount of sand that kept pouring out of his hand. He spoke no words as a soundtrack played in the back ground and he went thru his routine. He was charismatic and poised and you could tell that he would have a good future doing what he obviously loved.

As he finished and the curtains closed once more, our M.C. came to the front of the stage to preform a few more tricks and then introduced the last act. A tall man came out dressed as one would see an old magician from the 1920’s. He carried a cane and as the music played, he proceeded to do slight of hand with 4 white tennis balls. Expressive and silent he produced the balls swimmingly out of thin air. You could hear gasps come from the audience as he turned one ball in to two. Two into three. Then three into 4 without ever once reaching in to his pockets. Once he had the audience amazed he pulled out three large metal rings and began to arrange them in ways that defied explanation. Again you could hear the quick inhalation of air as the audience once again gasped at his skill.

He ends with a big finale to which the crowd gives him a thunderous applause. The curtain closes once more as our M.C. emerges for the last time and wishes the audience a happy Easter and thanks them for coming to their show.

MY girlfriend and I sit and wait for the majority of the people to leave, and once gone, begin our exit. We are done for the day. It’s time to leave.

We walk to the front of the building and push open a door with an exit sign that leads to the front foyer. This door is also hidden to those in the entrance and I can see the look of surprise on a little girls face as the wall opens up and we exit. “Look mom!” she squeals as she pulls on her mothers arm and points.

After we exit the building we give our tickets to the parking attendants who rush down the hill to get our car. Moments later we are in our car, headed home.

Every time I’ve gone to The Magic Castle I’ve enjoyed myself. The place is full of little things to amuse and delight. The customer service is always good and the atmosphere is always one of amazement. It was for me, the most time I’ve spent outside of my house for a long time. Although the standing and walking were painful because of the arthritis in my knees, the skill of the staff and talent helped me to forget my pain for a moment, and feel like I was one of the kids running around the castle floors.

For me that day, the magic was real.

Written on May 8, 2019

Next week will be my last day in therapy. And this is a good thing.

For my last session next week my therapist gave me a list of questions that she wanted me to answer. I thought I would share the questions and answers with all of you so that you can see the value that therapy has given me.

“What do I want to leave in therapy?”

My fears and expectations. Through therapy I have come to understand and accept the role that my fears and expectations played in my depression. I was constantly over analyzing people and situations because I was afraid people wouldn’t like me if they got to know the real me. This caused me to create unrealistic expectations of myself and how other people saw me. Because of this I kept people at an arms length never letting them get to know me. I would present only one side of myself, and then when people didn’t reciprocate, I would look down on myself thinking they were right in not liking me.

“What did therapy grow in me?”

Confidence. By letting go of my fears and expectations I was able to see that the majority of my fears were baseless. They existed only in the realm of my imagination. Each act of letting go of a fear or an expectation helped me to feel more confident and secure in who I am. Therapy has taught me to nurture my confidence by expressing my needs to others and to allow the results to unfold without prejudice.

“How do I want to carry that forward?”

By continuing to express my needs, putting trust into others, and not prejudging the outcome. By remembering that the nervous chatter in my head is the product of years of fear and that it deserves my empathy, not my scorn. I will trust in my own value.

“What intention do I want to bring in to my life, and relationships?”

I intend to practice self care. I intend to promote healthy communication. I intend to communicate my needs and desires. I intend to trust in my own self value. I intend to be more open. I intend to live every day as myself, and not who I think others want me to be.

“What do I need more of?”

I need more social interactions outside of the internet. I need to get outside more. I need more friends. I need to show people more of my full self.

“What do I need less of?”

I need less chatter in my head. I need less fear. I need less expectations.

“What feels most inspiring about the changes that I’ve made?”

I feel more free to be myself then I ever have in the past. I feel inspired to put myself out there and show people who I really am. I feel motivated to discover myself without fear. Each time I express myself in a more honest way, it inspires me to continue to do so. The freedom and joy I feel being myself with others is medicine to my heart.

“What do I hope to cultivate and allow in my life?”

Honest relationships with people and myself. The courage to look past my fears to see the man I really am. I hope to cultivate a deeper love between myself and those I care for.

“What do I want to make more time for?”

I want to make more time to explore the world around me and create new friendships. I want to make more time for self care. I want to make more time to enjoy my loved ones. I want to make more time to find new and creative ways to express myself in a way that’s devoid of fear and expectations.

I can not express enough how much therapy has meant to me. The insight that I’ve gained has been invaluable. I now see myself in a stronger more positive light. I feel more confident then I have in a very very long time. I know that by keeping up the practices and lessons that I’ve learned, will help push me forward in to a future with a little less stress and suffering then before.

Written on Apr 24, 2019

When my one year anniversary on Twitch came around, I decided I would dye my hair and beard purple to celebrate. Others had done it before, so I thought, why not me? I had dyed my hair in the past, blond, red, blue, green, it wasn’t that big of a deal, but this was the first time I was going to do it since my hair went mostly gray.

My daughter came over to help. It had been a long time since I had last dyed my hair, about 15 years or so. We live streamed the whole thing, and it was fun watching my regular followers laughing and chatting as my hair took on the look of a troll doll.

I had planned to only keep it for a few weeks. Long enough to let it wash out. But then, I noticed something started to happen.

The fist day we dyed my hair there was a Pokémon Go community day event. Once a month Pokémon Go players head down to certain areas to get the chance to catch rare Pokémon and hangout with other players. ( learn more here. ) Whenever I go I use it as an opportunity to create content for my live stream. This day was no different. What was different was how people reacted to my hair. They would approach me with a big smile on their face, and tell me how much they loved my hair.

At first I was a bit surprised. I had expected weird looks and people pointing and maybe laughing at my hair. That didn’t happen. In fact, in the few months that I’ve kept my hair this color, not one single person has said anything negative to me about it. Instead, I get people going out of their way to come tell me how much they love my hair color. One woman ran out of a restaurant ( she had been sitting on their patio ) out to the side of the street, to yell to me as I sat in my car waiting to make a left hand turn, that she loved my hair.

And it’s all sorts of people. I walked into a place that had a security guard checking people in. He was an African/American man standing at well over 6 foot, and probably about 260 pounds of muscle As I was about to walk past him and into the building he put his hand up to stop me and said ” That sir is one bad ass hair color. You are MOST welcome here! ” and gave me a big smile!

Since I’ve dyed my hair purple I’ve had many stories like the ones I’ve mentioned. People coming up to me with giant smiles on their faces. It makes my heart smile in return every single time. Not because they are somehow validating my choice in hair, but because of their smiles. Having people approach me with such happiness is infectious, and I catch it every single time.

Written on Feb 1, 2019I have issues.

I come from a very argumentative family. We would yell and argue and debate each other and we weren’t always kind about it. Because of this, I learned to argue aggressively and this sometimes can come off as me being a “know it all” or someone who “always has to be right” which is the furthest thing from being true.

I love being wrong. Being wrong to me, is an exciting opportunity to learn. The problem is in convincing me that I am wrong. I wont just accept your opinion. If you can’t show me how I’m wrong using rational discussion, I don’t accept it. I’ll turn your argument around, show you what it actually is, and throw it right back in your face. This is how I was raised, and it’s not good. I come off as way to aggressive, and I know it makes people harbor ill will towards me.

And I hate it. With a passion. It’s been something that I’ve tried to stop doing all of my life, but it’s so ingrained into me that I often don’t recognize that I’m doing it, and then when I do, I feel like shit afterwards. So what if I’ve won the argument? Is it really worth losing friends? You wouldn’t think so, but I obviously, for some fucked up reason, think it is. Otherwise I wouldn’t keep doing it would I?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just this horrible monster, trying his best to pretend to be a nice person because he knows how horrible he is?

I hate this feeling. I hate thinking that people think I’m this, know it all ass hole who can’t admit when I’m wrong. Everyone close to me has said this about me at some point. It doesn’t matter how often I admit that I’m wrong either. I can say I’m wrong about 100 different things, but if I get too aggressive with my argument, then to the other person, I’ve never admitted when I was wrong and I’m an asshole. It’s a battle I can’t win.

Today I got into an argument with someone that I thought I was friends with. I was winding him up a little, like he does me from time to time, but I obviously took it too far. Now I’m not sure if we are still friends. It’s left me feeling like a piece of shit. Another friendship out of the hundreds that I’ve ruined because I allow myself to get aggressive in my arguments. This is why I have no friends. This is why I’m so lonely most of the time. This is why I don’t leave the house more then twice a week. This is why I don’t go out and try to make new friends. Because I know eventually, I’ll say or do the wrong thing, and I’ll never see that person again.

I’m trying to change this. I really, really, really am.

When I do recognize that I’m being too aggressive it’s usually too late. The trick is in being aware of my state of mind BEFORE I go into an argument. There are times where I don’t argue at all because I KNOW I will get too aggressive. I need to get better at that. I’m trying.

I know this sounds like a poor “pity me post”. That’s not my intention. The reason I wrote this is to remind myself that even at almost 50 yrs old, there are still a lot of things that I need to work on.

Also, I hope that others who read this will understand me a little better. If they want too.

Written on Jan 26, 2019

When people that I love believe things about me that aren’t true, I blame myself for not being able to express myself clearly even though rationally I know that I can’t control other peoples perspectives.

Still though, I need to learn not to beat myself up so much.

I do have a big problem with talking to myself negatively. It comes up when something happens that didn’t go the way I had planned. So someone thinking something that isn’t true about me after a conversation I’ve had with them, triggers that negative self talk.

Awareness helps yet it doesn’t change the frustration I have trying to explain to someone that they’ve misunderstood. It’s a lot like this…

Me: I love the yellow of that flower.

Other: Your favorite color is yellow!

Me: No, it’s blue. I just think the yellow in that flower is really nice.

Other: You just said “I love the yellow”. Why are you going back on what you said now?

Me: Because that’s only part of what I’m saying? You left out “of that flower”

Other: Flower, car, hat, whatever, if you love yellow then that’s your favorite right?

Me: No. There are degrees of appreciation. I can love yellow, but not as much as blue.

Other: I can’t talk to you about this. This conversation is going nowhere.

Me: What???

When people form opinions they get aggressively locked into them. You can tell them that they’ve misunderstood until you’re blue in the face but peoples desire to be right will more then likely block any rational discourse. As someone who tries to be aware of their own bias, I see this in others all of the time, and even myself.

My problem is that afterwards I automatically assume that it’s my fault. I didn’t explain myself in a way that was easily understood. I’ll even go as far as to tell myself something like “Next time be more specific. You should have said “although blue is my favorite color, I love the way the yellow looks on that flower.” I can’t believe I was so dumb! ” and then I’ll spiral into self loathing.

Like I said before, rationally, I know that I can’t control others perspectives. I know that the other person is just as much to blame as myself. Sometimes more so. The only thing I can control though, is myself. So that means I give myself all of the blame. Even when I know I shouldn’t. That’s ridiculous right?

I am trying to be more aware of when I’m not being kind to myself. I try to catch myself when I’m doing it. Trying to talk to myself better.

Someday I’ll break this horrible habit. It’s a process. I just have to keep trying and keep pushing forward.

Written on Nov 29, 2018

Lately the conversation in therapy has been centered around guilt, shame, and expectations. Through a series of discussions I’ve come to realize that most of the frustration and anguish in my life has been from setting unrealistic expectations for myself that I can’t live up to. Mostly expectations that no one else really care’s about.

My therapist gave a graphic that REALLY got me thinking about how unhelpful guilt is different then helpful guilt.

Part of it caught my eye that read...

“Unhelpful guilt is caused by actions or behaviors that break unrealistically high standards”

That’s the part that really struck me. “Unrealistic high standards”. Do I have them? What are they? I thought for several days about it. When I sat down with my therapist, we talked about the way that I’ve created these expectations for myself that weren’t based on who I was, but in who I thought others (society, culture, family) wanted me to be.

I grew up with the idea that the way life was supposed to go was, you’re born, you go to school, you get a career, have a family, get old, retire, and die. That if I just followed the traditional path, that life would be easier. That I would find happiness. I just needed to work hard. Get a job with a salary, insurance, etc. And I tried. Job after job. Career choice after career choice. Each time was the same. Some time between 4 and 6 months of being at a job, I would get so sick of it, that going felt like torture. It felt like bee’s were trying to come up from my chest. I would get this buzzing in the back of my head that just wouldn’t stop until I quit.

How was I supposed to have a career?

So for years I’ve been beating myself up, trying to live a life I wasn’t meant for. I’m not a worker bee. I never was. What I should have learned to do was tap into my creative intellectual side more and create my own “career”. I should have trusted in myself more and followed my own path. Much of the suffering I’ve felt in my life has been due to the unrealistic expectation I had of myself.

I know it now though. The question becomes, what am I going to do with this new understanding?