I want to talk about being white. It's not easy to do. [1] It's easy to fall into feelings of doing it “right” or “wrong.” Fortunately I have armor against embarrassment. There is no constituency clamoring to read my thoughts on whiteness. White people usually do not like the topic; Black people have better things to do! This blog is a safe space for me to say anything so I will push on. I have to offer autobiographical examples because it's impossible to speak in generalities. I am not famous nor special. I'm also not typical. So what's the point? Let's see.
I've made a special home for this subject, a diary dedicated to exploring my feelings about whiteness. Entitled White People Problems, it is located at https://humanissome.neocities.org/wpp/
In some ways I am a basic white liberal. When Obama was elected I wanted to smile and start up celebratory conversations with every Black person I saw in public. [There's a meme or Onion article on this exactly.] And when another white racist murderer takes another Black life I want to express my distance from “those other white people.” In short, I feel that urge to signal, “I'm one of the good ones.” I can't say I've never indulged any of the above, but generally I do not. I am aware that strangers who are Black do not need me to insert my personal journey into their lives randomly. That's not even how to act around friends who are Black, who are few and far between.
In some other ways I am beyond a basic white liberal. I am more solitary than most everyone I know. I do not have strong connections with family. I keep in touch, poorly, with very few friends. In part this is because I do not like white people. [2] Recently I outed myself (on Instagram, my only remaining mainstream profile) as “Christophobic.” A few days ago I imagined wearing a shirt saying, White People Scare Me. What is to be gained by such expressions? Nothing except some relief. I feel these things. If I feel them, then I feel that they need to be shared. I am not trying to advance hatred of whites or Christians. I might possibly dream of sparking some discussion. I chose the term “Christophobic” intentionally. I am admitting fears. Moreover, phobias are identified as irrational fears. I should not have reflexive negative responses to the lit-up-all-night enormous cross and state-mandated-all-summer-long-red-white-and-blue-we-better-not-see-a-rainbow-dammit bridge that I see from my home. But I do have reflexive negative responses to a church and state that make it clear that they do not like me. I am a beyond-basic white liberal in part because I am gay. And I'm not quite old enough or wealthy enough to side with my oppressors. But many, many gays I've known do. And that is yet another potential community I self select out of, my fellow cis, white, gay men.
Being in community with any white person is, potentially, a minefield. An explosion of unexpected racism can arise at any moment. [3]
※ 1—Or, it's not easy to do well. I tend to put off “doing things well” because I mostly feel I just can't do a good job at very much. Making abstract expressionist paintings is something I feel very able to do well. The practice is beneficial to my emotional health. Despite having sold dozens of paintings that are located across America and the globe, my lifelong passion and career leaves me in a position of net financial loss. There is sooo much more I could say on this topic, and have said, and will say elsewhere. Before I leave this footnote I want to state that for the sake of artists alone I urge you to support Universal Basic Income. All that our society produces cannot be bound by the limits of making money. Well, it can be. It is now. And that produces skewed results. If we are to survive or to advance I believe we must refashion our way of life around caring for all. Otherwise I believe many will perish and human society will diminish further. 2—I suppose now is as good a time as any to have a discussion on stereotyping and generalization. When I say something like I do not like white people it is partly for shock, partly in jest, partly true. This essay is about those parts, and more. I am well aware that “white people” is far too large a category to speak of monolithically. Yet it's also true, generally, that white men support Trump by a large margin; and that white women support Trump by a slightly less but still large margin. Prove this prognostication wrong in 2024, white people, I dare you. 3—Here I considered telling a story or two or three... well I don't think I need to. I think anyone reading this knows that most if not all white people will say something racially offensive eventually. I do not except myself. These stories I'm omitting (because the existence of white racism is hereby taken as given and need no further proof) happen to be the times when I was taken aback by racism more pronounced than my own. I would be unable to recount times when I promoted white supremacist framing that I mistook as “normal.” *We are able to notice transgressions beyond our own. Our own we often never see. Or, we fail to see until we do. “Going woke” is a constant process. And each “waking” can be disorienting. I know that I cannot fully put myself into how I thought before. We might not have a clear sense of ly where we have come from nor where we have yet to go. Relevant to this essay, it becomes difficult to communicate to those in a different state * Italicized portion = frustrated brain giving up
By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon
