RMiddleton

Plan:

1. Make a plan. Make another plan after this one. Review and revise plans, but don't let planning prevent action.
2. Make a work needs list page. Work needs will be a list of repairs and operating expenses needed for me to make my life's calling into my life's work. Sounds grand but the list is intended to be basic. First items added will be installing a new toilet and buying a replacement lamp for my projector. [<– Hidden list & Personal needs list too]
3. Web organization. Reroute humanisso.me to Neocities. Index page “Why humanissome?” is primary work page. Make sub-directories: /Rart for my available art, including new show /Rart/Reckoning/ (Maybe make the subdir “art” or “R”? Or make multiples that redirect?) & /Rob for my writing and stuff. (Move current /index to /Rob/index.)
4. Clear my living room studio. Make a HEPA box. (Put these materials on the work needs list.)
5. Host emotion seminars. Weekly? That seems easiest. No signups. Free and open. (Donations.)
6. Finish this list later...

By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon

I was trained to be argumentative. Were you?

Hi, white American 50ish man here. I like to think that I've broken my reply-guy habits. It took effort to do so because my being that way was encouraged. In school and outside school I was listened to. The stronger my voice became the more I was listened to. Most, but not all, of the encouragement to be a reply guy came from women. I was raised by a single mother and I'd estimate my teachers were over 85% female. I didn't think of it this way back then, but I'd say that I was being trained to join the patriarchy. I never experienced being silenced or talked over. If anything, adults made space for me to speak. I was handed a microphone many times. I was chosen for leadership. I did not think about those who were not chosen. I just didn't think about them. I only knew my own experience. I wanted to do my best and be rewarded. I was taught that strong writing required me to express my subjective opinions unwaveringly. Theses are to be defended. I wonder how many others were trained as I was. When I look around at our foolish world, I think a lot of us were. The overconfidence of white males has been manufactured. It is difficult to unlearn. But not impossible. “Reply guying” is not simply an individual problem, it's a world view. Letting go is disorienting. Because it likely includes re-examining one's foundational stories: education and religion, tv and magazines, politics, business, famous artists, science and medicine, fathers and grandfathers. Disillusionment, anger, self pity, and nihilism can be part of the journey away from exaggerated male self regard. These dark feelings become another dysfunctional worldview to escape. I sat in cynicism a long time. I know many who are confirmed cynics. The US media seems replete with them. A commitment to finding self respect, including my lifelong practice of subjective art, led me to humanism. I was not in balance until I filled the emptiness with something. I spent years identifying myself by what I was against. There are many challenges in my life today, but knowing who I am and what I stand for is no longer one of them. I was taught a meaning of life — a patriarchal, white supremacist meaning of life. With ugly effort I tore down that brainwashing. I lived with no meaning beyond money and hedonism for a long time. But since I still was not happy, I wasn't really doing hedonism right, was I? Fortunately I lost the cushion of money and with it the ability to live in permanent distraction. (That's the desired life of most white Americans, imo.) My sensory pleasures became much simpler. Running water. Cooking. Hearing. Vision. Nature. Our inherited human culture is more significant than any financial inheritance. Having no money means dropping out of consumerism. I use the public library. I find streaming entertainment freely shared by creators. My belief in community grows. My connection to other humans increases. Humanism fills the void left by patriarchal white supremacy. More than fills. Overflows. I seek ways to spread humanism. I'll keep ya posted. ;)

By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon

latest stream will be up on twitch for a week:

channel: https://www.twitch.tv/humanissome the stream is bad 🙃 it has bad sound. the 1st 45ish mins are me learning how to use new software. in between i continue to advance my life philosophy. if you're interested in the topic but dislike this format, don't worry i will re-present this material again and again. i continue to hone my ideas. someday i hope to make a book or an actually good video :)

By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon

mid 2024 thoughts on how I can increase the benefits and reduce the harms of being online

Terms to consider: Communicate Social Media Immediate Reply guys Terminally online Algorithm AI

I am social, part of society. I cannot deny that. The food I just ate, the electricity and internet I’m using, the dwelling I’m within, the monthly $60 from patrons that was deposited today—social multipliers that expand my brief existence beyond my own capabilities.

Society depends on communication. Communicate = to share, to make common. I feel it says something about the centrality of human communications that media, a simple word meaning between, comes to be the collective noun for methods of communication between humans. Media is the force multiplier in communications. Immediate naturally means with nothing between, as in “not one moment nor thought came between something happening and being shared and being commented on.” Immediacy in media may be harmful to me, I have found: The 24/7 breaking news story with no facts. Every single human tragedy worldwide live-streamed into my psyche. Limitless distraction and entertainment. It’s easy for me to become overloaded by all these and more.

Immediacy in social media can take a form some call reply guys, quick to use up your bandwidth, attention, and time without engaging you openly. Terminally online is a related term for those whose desire for communication begins and ends online. The discourse, the memes, the one-liners are fast-paced and addictive. Who needs the real world? “Touch grass,” some say — though isn’t that a terminally-online style of response? I have great news, fortunately. There are no such people as reply guys and the terminally online. Every human being is more than what they put on the internet. Oh good, but what about the non-human forces online?

The question to ask about algorithms and AI is what is their purpose? What need or want are they fulfilling? Do the benefits justify the costs? Media is a force multiplier in human communications; algorithms and AI are force multipliers in media. Currently these powers are hoarded and they are being employed for financial gain without ethics. That sucks and I hate it. Lack of trust and sincerity in communications erodes the foundation of human society. We are seeing that clearly. In very few words here I have shown how simple and vital these connections are. We are on a fatal path.

How can I be online? I’m avoiding algorithms and AI by spending my time in the fediverse and utilizing as much free and open-source media as I can. I remove nearly all advertising from my awareness. These priorities divide me from much of society. I pay for zero streaming services, video or audio. My internet access provides me with free Max. With my public library I have access to more media than I will ever consume. This includes books, the best form of non-immediate media I know. Reading books I feel my mind strengthen. It’s a sharp contrast to the dysfunctional spiral I experience by ingesting for-profit media’s overwhelming distractions.

I like the places I hang. There’s such a trove of excellent media off the beaten path. Here are a few musical sources I enjoy (I believe all are either ad-free or the ads are not in English):

• radiofreefedi.net
• www.nts.live/infinite-mixtapes/expansions
• mkmradio.com
• player.48fm.com

All is not perfect, of course. The social and immediate aspects of being online invite imbalance. I imagine asking a helpful AI: Please construct an algorithm that enables me to interact with those open to lengthy discussion on topic {y}. When I share posts I could designate “show to everyone” or “only show to cogitators”! What a wonderful dream!

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cross-posted to: https://paper.wf/how2b/how-to-be-happy-online

By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon

This painting is gorgeous and I made it!

What does it take to make a statement like that? Confidence? Cockiness? No, just my eyes and my visual taste. My love of seeing colors blend, loving layers, appreciating vibrant colors alongside muddy ones. Acceptance of irregularity. Fantasy. Sensuality. Openness. I love orange, I love pink. I love gold, I love turquoise. I love all colors and shapes. Abstract expressionist painting... abstract because it's not a representation of any specific object or narrative, expressionist because it expresses my feelings and my values. Yes my values. I was drawn to this style of paintings in museums for years before I ever made one myself. I felt emotional therapy staring into the vague expressions another human cared to create and share with the world. The work goes on inside myself, I do not worship artists. I look at this painting that I love and do not think of it as mine. It's not about me. Well, it's about me and my feelings because I live inside me. Ugh. What I mean is that it's about the viewer. I am the viewer of my own work. But it's not about me as maker. Be the change you want to see, some say. That's what I create, in my art and my words. My previous post complained about my inability to connect with others. I intend to expand on that. Then I thought I want to include my art in my posts. And here we are.

[current soundtrack while writing: mkmradio broadcast radio from Paris, free with occasional ads and announcements in French | changed during next paragraph to Miles Davis It Never Entered My Mind followed by the John Coltrane album Giant Steps]

What does it take to make & share art like that? Maybe confidence or cockiness, I don't know. There is a boldness to pointing at something and saying: I made this great thing from nothing except my hands and imagination. Besides that I do not profess to have any skill. Others can express opinions on the quality of my work if they want. I've been complimented on my facility with color. I say all it takes is being willing to do it. I don't know why others do what they do but as long as they don't hurt anyone I'm fine with it. Art is different because I'm not producing an income. I am not supporting myself. I said above that making & sharing my art may take boldness, but that's not how I feel. I feel humility. This is all I have to offer.

I switched my music accompaniment to jazz because I have compared my style of visual art to jazz. When I put out a finished piece I want it to be a harmony of discord. Conflict and resolution within the same small space. This work is my emotional therapy. The values I wish to promote are acceptance of more than we can comprehend. More than acceptance—appreciation, maybe even love.

I love my art. That's why I make it. I do live in a world surrounded by my own art. If I could afford originals I would live among the works of JMW Turner, Miró, Helen Frankenthaler, Cy Twombly, ... What am I saying? I like mine as much. Haha. Anyway I wouldn't want to hoard expensive art as commodity. There are TONS of artists whose work I enjoy, and many more I would love that I will never know of. I do appreciate being able to go into museums and experience our shared human heritage of art. But fame distresses me. I keep coming back to my baseline belief that I want all humans to share a good minimum standard of living. After that, rich folks can do whatever they want. I'll be happy with my art. Until that day comes there are many ways to support me.

Thanks!

I never got around to saying what I started to say. There's always a future post. I want to talk about distraction; what I consider my life's work to be; why friendships frustrate me—simple, annoying stuff like that.

By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon

But don't worry my foremost idea is that all people are equal; I just can't get along with them!

The above is not a joke.

Loyalty—what does it mean to you? I've repeatedly bumped up against a conflict between loyalty to people and loyalty to values. I far prefer to be loyal to values. Otherwise I suffer painful cognitive dissonance. But I'll admit that I suffer alienation by prioritizing values. Some pop culture I've enjoyed in the past 3 years explores this topic [perhaps I can find it eventually; I'm not looking for just any example but the rare one that I connected with]. In this unremembered example, those loyal to ideas are presented unfavorably because they cause suffering. What are ideas for if not to improve conditions for actual people? Such is my disagreement with many leftists. Conditions do not exist that permit the imposition of utopian idealism. You can't kill people to freedom, I say.

Humanism is my core ideal. Informed consent. Cooperation. At this stage of history I prefer democracy to anarchy because there are systems in place that can be utilized for good. Commitment to democracy is how I compromise conflicting loyalties, to ideas and to people. I feel that I can support causes that may benefit people.

When I am in contact with people directly I become more stressed. I prefer to share creations and ideas. Online media is wonderful for me, though I have discomfort with the social part of it. When people reply I note a number of styles:

Some reply simply to say, “Atta boy!” These may feel good but do not seem very engaged in discourse.

There is the person sharing their own opinion that is prompted by but not building upon my own. With these responses I either do not acknowledge, barely acknowledge, or try to offer a, “Yes, and...” reply that steers back onto my turf. I once felt annoyed and drawn to argue in such circumstances, but try to resist now. After all, these spaces are freewheeling. They have as much right to say their bit as I do. The fact that they are choosing to do so (what feels like) on top of my own expression is not genuine oppression. I try to shrug off what I do not like.

Very few reply to an idea with full engagement and further development. When this occurs it can be wonderful.

Since I have not provided examples, wtf am I talking about?! Currently I'm annoyed with myself for forcing myself to write. I think this essay is garbage. I am trying to express feelings.

I am antisocial because every society that I have been invited to join holds as a core precept a division of us vs. them. My religion, my region, my skin color, my own damn family. It would be crazy for me to praise Rachel Dolezal (?) but maybe she felt as I do, that the only way to join a good community would be to leave whiteness. Politics is on my mind every day because it is August 2, 2024, and I'm in Florida USA. There are different types of us & them, different ways to acknowledge group identity. Conservatives are annoyed at Democrats holding Zoom calls titled, “White Women For Harris,” and such. They do not understand why they can't do it! Do I even need to explain? US politics, specifically the Democratic Party has been key to my ability to believe in community again. Damn that is corny. I do not like it. But I do like it. It is true.

I like a community built around truth. I like a community that permits respectful disagreement. I see that in the Democratic Party and I like it. I see it more there than even in my own friends.

I don't know how to have friends... I tried a Facebook group for deep discussion. I invited the most frequent responders to my posts. I was the only one posting in the group. I tried a biweekly meeting for meaningful conversation. I canceled all subsequent meetups after the first one drew two other people and no ideas were discussed.

There goes my timer, Thank Glob. I hate this post!

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Afterword I dislike prefaces and forewards that comment on a piece of writing before letting us see it for ourselves. I wrote the following as a prefatory note then moved it here to the end. I'd like to rename ADHD to “idea fertility” or something like that, because I do not believe it to be a dysfunction. The issue is communication within time and attention limits. Thus, the reliance on entertaining stories for human communication. As yet I am unable to constrain my ideas into entertaining stories—I'm working towards that goal—so I will employ a time limit. I'm guessing 33 minutes might be effective. I am setting an alarm now and will write what I can in that time.

By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon

Petulant I feel petulant.

By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon

It's important to remember that Donald Trump knows nothing. He is never going to research any issue, beyond asking “the best people” their views.

Asked by Harris Faulkner if JD Vance is ready on day one, Trump answers: “Historically, the vice president, in terms of the election, does not have any impact. I mean, virtually no impact...Virtually never has it mattered.” — Kaitlan Collins (@kaitlancollins) July 31, 2024 on Twitter

He is asked a question of concern to voters—the only concern voters have about a vice president is Could they be president?—and he answers the only question he cares about, How does this affect me? And look at the phrases he uses. To me it is clear that he is regurgitating points made in an internal conversation about his bad VP pick. Someone on his team has told him those points, to talk him out of dumping Vance. Since Trump knows nothing the only response that comes to him is to repeat what a campaign advisor told him.

In the first question of the same disastrous interview Trump showed he knew nothing. I posted on Mastodon:

Trump knows nothing. He skated to the height of white leadership on bullshit. This works because whiteness is built on bullshit. The legacy media all fail to zero in on it because their existence depends on the same bullshit. Black women are the anti Trump. So far I've seen just one clip of Trump at National Association of Black Journalists. He doesn't know what DEI is, that's clear. Not surprising. He hasn't had to know anything to be the leader of the whites. Can whites ever do better?

By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon

I want to talk about being white. It's not easy to do. [1] It's easy to fall into feelings of doing it “right” or “wrong.” Fortunately I have armor against embarrassment. There is no constituency clamoring to read my thoughts on whiteness. White people usually do not like the topic; Black people have better things to do! This blog is a safe space for me to say anything so I will push on. I have to offer autobiographical examples because it's impossible to speak in generalities. I am not famous nor special. I'm also not typical. So what's the point? Let's see.

I've made a special home for this subject, a diary dedicated to exploring my feelings about whiteness. Entitled White People Problems, it is located at https://humanissome.neocities.org/wpp/

In some ways I am a basic white liberal. When Obama was elected I wanted to smile and start up celebratory conversations with every Black person I saw in public. [There's a meme or Onion article on this exactly.] And when another white racist murderer takes another Black life I want to express my distance from “those other white people.” In short, I feel that urge to signal, “I'm one of the good ones.” I can't say I've never indulged any of the above, but generally I do not. I am aware that strangers who are Black do not need me to insert my personal journey into their lives randomly. That's not even how to act around friends who are Black, who are few and far between.

In some other ways I am beyond a basic white liberal. I am more solitary than most everyone I know. I do not have strong connections with family. I keep in touch, poorly, with very few friends. In part this is because I do not like white people. [2] Recently I outed myself (on Instagram, my only remaining mainstream profile) as “Christophobic.” A few days ago I imagined wearing a shirt saying, White People Scare Me. What is to be gained by such expressions? Nothing except some relief. I feel these things. If I feel them, then I feel that they need to be shared. I am not trying to advance hatred of whites or Christians. I might possibly dream of sparking some discussion. I chose the term “Christophobic” intentionally. I am admitting fears. Moreover, phobias are identified as irrational fears. I should not have reflexive negative responses to the lit-up-all-night enormous cross and state-mandated-all-summer-long-red-white-and-blue-we-better-not-see-a-rainbow-dammit bridge that I see from my home. But I do have reflexive negative responses to a church and state that make it clear that they do not like me. I am a beyond-basic white liberal in part because I am gay. And I'm not quite old enough or wealthy enough to side with my oppressors. But many, many gays I've known do. And that is yet another potential community I self select out of, my fellow cis, white, gay men.

Being in community with any white person is, potentially, a minefield. An explosion of unexpected racism can arise at any moment. [3]

※ 1—Or, it's not easy to do well. I tend to put off “doing things well” because I mostly feel I just can't do a good job at very much. Making abstract expressionist paintings is something I feel very able to do well. The practice is beneficial to my emotional health. Despite having sold dozens of paintings that are located across America and the globe, my lifelong passion and career leaves me in a position of net financial loss. There is sooo much more I could say on this topic, and have said, and will say elsewhere. Before I leave this footnote I want to state that for the sake of artists alone I urge you to support Universal Basic Income. All that our society produces cannot be bound by the limits of making money. Well, it can be. It is now. And that produces skewed results. If we are to survive or to advance I believe we must refashion our way of life around caring for all. Otherwise I believe many will perish and human society will diminish further. 2—I suppose now is as good a time as any to have a discussion on stereotyping and generalization. When I say something like I do not like white people it is partly for shock, partly in jest, partly true. This essay is about those parts, and more. I am well aware that “white people” is far too large a category to speak of monolithically. Yet it's also true, generally, that white men support Trump by a large margin; and that white women support Trump by a slightly less but still large margin. Prove this prognostication wrong in 2024, white people, I dare you. 3—Here I considered telling a story or two or three... well I don't think I need to. I think anyone reading this knows that most if not all white people will say something racially offensive eventually. I do not except myself. These stories I'm omitting (because the existence of white racism is hereby taken as given and need no further proof) happen to be the times when I was taken aback by racism more pronounced than my own. I would be unable to recount times when I promoted white supremacist framing that I mistook as “normal.” *We are able to notice transgressions beyond our own. Our own we often never see. Or, we fail to see until we do. “Going woke” is a constant process. And each “waking” can be disorienting. I know that I cannot fully put myself into how I thought before. We might not have a clear sense of ly where we have come from nor where we have yet to go. Relevant to this essay, it becomes difficult to communicate to those in a different state * Italicized portion = frustrated brain giving up

By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon

A post I saw yesterday:

Thoughts for disgruntled and disillusioned non-voters: When you chose to avoid voting you're not only letting down yourself and your loved ones but also every vulnerable person in your community. Waiting for the perfect politician or the perfect political party is foolish and shows an immature mind because no one and nothing in life is perfect. We can and should always strive for better but expecting perfection is a fool's goal and waste of energy. #'Voting—it is your duty.

I respectfully disagree, because I consider that post not “thoughts for” nonvoters but “thoughts about” (or “thoughts against”) nonvoters. I am not including the name of the person who posted those thoughts to reduce the chance that my disagreement is mistaken for, or transforms into, a personal attack. We've all seen how often that happens online!

I respect feelings. My goal every moment is to feel good. Respecting myself and others equally is an important element of that. So when I disagree with someone it means that I feel differently than they do. I can take a silent moment inside myself to verify my feelings. If I continue to disagree then what? Does this disagreement cause harm? Do I need to understand it? Do I feel that I need to comment?

I'm commenting on the above because I have decided to write reflections on the current US elections. I agree with the principles expressed in the above post, except the way that it treats nonvoters. So I agree with everything about that post except its existence. Why? I do not believe that it is an appeal to nonvoters. I read it as an attack on them, a shaming. I do not believe shame elicits good results.

There are two points of view here for me to respect. First the poster. I believe this post is an expression of fear and hope. Someone with strong belief in community posted this. They seem to feel angst towards those who do not share in their view of community. I respect this view & this person's reasons for having these feelings. As I've said their opinions are close to my own. Further away are the people this post claims to be speaking to, the nonvoters. I do not agree with their behavior nowadays but I have been a nonvoter in the past. If someone had come at me hard, telling me that it was my duty to vote, I probably would have pretended to agree to get them to go away, and then still not voted. And I would have felt angry, that people communicating in that way are trying to control others. At that time, when I felt so disconnected, I wanted to be listened to. It takes more time and effort to listen than it does to tell someone what they must do.

I say all this as someone who has been on every side of such communications. I’ve been the disaffected and I’ve been the preacher. I now believe the only way to encourage change is to model it. The only way to advance freedom is to give it.

Since I said that I largely share the sentiments in the original post, here's how I might express them (longer, of course!):

If you are a disgruntled and disillusioned nonvoter, I get it. I was once one myself. All journeys are different so I won't say that I know what you think. I know what I felt — disconnected and cynical. Those are justifiable feelings in the US. I did not believe the “lesser of 2 evils” was enough to make things better for myself, my loved ones, or the most vulnerable. Sometimes I still don't. Improvements are marginal. The most significant improvement I've experienced is inside myself. Now I am willing to believe that I can be in community with fellow citizens. It isn't about candidates or parties but each other. I still disagree with most of what my country stands for in its past and present. I vote for the viable candidates most likely to nudge things towards a future that I want. I vote because I reject violence. Voting is the easiest way for me to support positive change. Looking back, there have been positive changes. And if a few voters who sat out had participated there may have been much greater improvements. The Supreme Court is causing great suffering because Trump appointed one-third of it. Two other extremist justices, including the powerful chief justice, were appointed by W. Bush. In the 2000 election I voted for Ralph Nader, in Florida. Gore wasn't left enough for me, and I didn't like his personality. Not only the Supreme Court would be better if Gore had been president, but the country would have started working towards fighting climate catastrophe. I have voted in every election since then.

I think I may go post that right now ;)

I believe that arguments as stated in the original quoted post are to convince oneself. And they may be effective in that. I have spoken on this before and I will again.

I am currently choosing this spot for my politically-inspired writing that does not fit into previously defined categories. I am working towards establishing one site to compile all my content, the way an internet profile should be able to do. The closest that I have right now is the link aggregator https://rmiddleton.art

By Rob Middleton who can be reached @[email protected] on Mastodon