I'm writing pretty much just to check in and honor my intention to use this account creatively and cathartically. I really don't intend to continue on with low-effort posts like this. I don't know how people who write every day manage to do it. I'm tired.
I come to this blank page feeling a great deal of relief, that the reason I haven't been writing is because I've been busy living, having fun, and doing my life's work. My wife has also been more supportive of my independent, scholarly-type pursuits than she used to be (I think having accepted the state of the job market), so I've been taking advantage of the opportunities she's been offering and haven't been in any sulky writing moods.
I really had planned to get more of a running start on this blog, but I just happen to have started it during a busy week preparing for an overseas trip, so poor planning on my part. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't have started it without the sudden impulse, so I'm glad it will be here waiting for me when I get back.
I have Complex PTSD and have lately been doing a lot of emotional processing involving visualization, cathartic grieving, reliving past states, etc. It never ceases to amaze me how some maladaptive compulsions and attitudes of mine almost completely disappear after a particularly strong processing session. I think I have a lot more of these things left to go, but I'm encouraged with the change I've been able to cultivate so far.
I'm really glad I quit smoking cigarettes (still working on weed) almost four months ago now. Cravings tend to drag on for weeks when I try to quit, and I think I'm finally past that terrible initial phase.
This is at least my fourth or fifth attempt at starting a blog. Probably won't be my last. But that's ok. I've always tried to establish some sort of theme or persona to it, but I think this time I'll keep it simple, stick to just a few broad parameters, and see what happens. I want to become more comfortable with writing.
I'm going to try to write one post every day, no matter how short. My only requirements will be that they be earnest but not coming from a place of fear.
“I'm Here” is a mantra that popped into my head recently as I was processing some childhood trauma. Much of the impetus for this blog is this sense of turning a new page in my life, and I feel like I'm arriving in the real world for the first time. I'm here. Finally, I'm here.