relationships

This guide can help you reflect on your communication style and means to improve your relationship. Starting each case with an example statement, this mini-guide presents three ways to engage a (difficult) conversation in a relationship. Goals #1 to #3 will be pursued by following the principles analyzed below.

1st Asserting a request (confronting) 2nd Responding and bonding (caring) 3rd Expressing a need (sharing)

Series: Communicating effectively 1/3 – Requests (#1) vs. Needs (#3).

◉ F̲̲A̲̲C̲̲T̲̲ ◉ F̲̲E̲̲E̲̲L̲̲I̲̲N̲̲G̲̲ ◉ R̲̲E̲̲Q̲̲U̲̲E̲̲S̲̲T̲̲ ◉
💬 When I drove to work today, I noticed that the car is nearly out of gas (FACT). I felt annoyed and I got angry (FEELING). When you use the car to run errands, I would like you to refill the tank (REQUEST).

• separate recent o̲̲b̲̲s̲̲e̲̲r̲̲v̲̲a̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲ (“empty tank”) from suspected chain of events (“someone did not fill the tank up”, “someone was careless”, “someone had to run errands late at night”, “someone decided that sharing a single car would be a 'great idea'” etc.) and refer only to the former: the most reliable observation (“fact”)
• stick to “I”-s̲̲t̲̲a̲̲t̲̲e̲̲m̲̲e̲̲n̲̲t̲̲s̲̲ when expressing emotions; resist t̲̲e̲̲m̲̲p̲̲t̲̲a̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲ t̲̲o̲̲ a̲̲t̲̲t̲̲a̲̲c̲̲k̲̲ and blame (“Why have you done this to me?”, “Can't you be reliable for once?”)
• be very clear about y̲̲o̲̲u̲̲r̲̲ e̲̲x̲̲p̲̲e̲̲c̲̲t̲̲a̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲s̲̲; when addressing a detected unbalance or overstepping of personal boundary, do not phrase your concern as a question or suggestions, but as a friendly and self-assured demand
• it helps when important expectations have been r̲̲e̲̲v̲̲e̲̲a̲̲l̲̲e̲̲d̲̲ by both parties previously, possibly discussed and written down. An established set of rules and continuous exchanges / negotiations enable c̲̲o̲̲n̲̲f̲̲r̲̲o̲̲n̲̲t̲̲a̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲ b̲̲y̲̲ r̲̲e̲̲f̲̲e̲̲r̲̲r̲̲a̲̲l̲̲ (to the rules) and reduce initiator vulnerability
• Routinely p̲̲r̲̲e̲̲s̲̲e̲̲n̲̲c̲̲e̲̲ (in-person, off screens), frequent c̲̲h̲̲e̲̲c̲̲k̲̲-̲̲i̲̲n̲̲s̲̲ (“how was your afternoon?”, “would you like to go out tonight?”), and a̲̲c̲̲t̲̲i̲̲v̲̲e̲̲ l̲̲i̲̲s̲̲t̲̲e̲̲n̲̲i̲̲n̲̲g̲̲ (“right”, “gotcha”, “how __ (adorable, happy, strange)!“, “I wonder what happened to __“, “So... do you to slap this guy in the face now or what?”) all contribute to a bond of u̲̲n̲̲d̲̲e̲̲r̲̲s̲̲t̲̲a̲̲n̲̲d̲̲i̲̲n̲̲g̲̲ and e̲̲m̲̲o̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲a̲̲l̲̲ c̲̲o̲̲n̲̲n̲̲e̲̲c̲̲t̲̲i̲̲o̲̲n̲̲, increasing potential for mutual support during times of hardship, as well as fast recovery after events of disappointment

Series: Communicating effectively 2/3 – Requests (#1) vs. Needs (#3).

◉ R̲̲E̲̲F̲̲L̲̲E̲̲C̲̲T̲̲ and ◉ V̲̲A̲̲L̲̲I̲̲D̲̲A̲̲T̲̲E̲̲ 💬 I understand. It can be really annoying trying to go somewhere only to realize an empty tank (REFLECT). That must have been really frustrating (VALIDATE).

• active listening makes sure the initiator feels understood
• validation =/= agreement

Source: Deployment Health Clinical Center

Series: Communicating effectively 3/3 – Requests (#1) vs. Needs (#3).

◉ F̲̲E̲̲E̲̲L̲̲I̲̲N̲̲G̲̲ ◉ E̲̲X̲̲P̲̲L̲̲A̲̲N̲̲A̲̲T̲̲I̲̲O̲̲N̲̲ ◉ N̲̲E̲̲E̲̲D̲̲ ◉ 💬 I feel like I made a mistake by not letting you now the tank was running out. But I also feel unsafe going to the gas station late (FEELING). I am scared of walking around alone at night (EXPLANATION). I want to run errands and simply leave a note when the tank is low. You know (NEED)?

• notice and declare a potential mistake as it helps alleviate immediate steam; however this should only happen if you s̲̲e̲̲e̲̲ your part in this and do not feel accused; do not reply in a servile or defensive manner (this only invites blame and abandonment), instead simply recognize that everyone is responsible to a degree; offering early transparency thus accelerates the formation of consensus
• avoid referring to the past; especially: do not defend or justify (alleged) p̲̲a̲̲s̲̲t̲̲ m̲̲i̲̲s̲̲t̲̲a̲̲k̲̲e̲̲s̲̲. Instead, verbalize patterns that you consider gave them rise without blame and in present tense (“I feel like...”, “It is not safe”, “I am ... ( scared | disappointed | hurt )”, “it makes it hard for me to ... ( go to the station, remember to check the car ) when ... ( it is late, I am short on time, I am exhausted )”). This shifts the focus from personal shortcomings to a relatable situation, inviting the other party to help, give a fresh perspective, or even contribute to a structural recalibration
• the EXPLANATION part is very short (“I am scared of walking around at night”) which invites the other party to inquire further or conclude for themselves and understand
• “I want to...” expresses a wish w̲̲i̲̲t̲̲h̲̲o̲̲u̲̲t̲̲ a̲̲s̲̲k̲̲i̲̲n̲̲g̲̲ f̲̲o̲̲r̲̲ a̲̲p̲̲p̲̲r̲̲o̲̲v̲̲a̲̲l̲̲
• the final question is there only to ask for understanding; this makes it clear that the party primarily requests validation

Source: Deployment Health Clinical Center

Series: Communicating effectively. * Deployment Health Clinical Center, today 'Psychological Health Center' of US Airforce: [PDF Document]