My brain feels empty at the moment but I know it's not. There's always something to write about when I convince myself I can't think.
I was thinking how I form habits and forget about them. That scares me or frustrates me depending on the moment. It seems like it's just a characteristic of being a human but that thought doesn't comfort me very much. It also makes me excited to an extent, that I have things to work on and I have more ways to figure out what they are than I ever have; and that will always be true. But that's just the other side of things, I still hate it as well. That is, really forming negative habits and forgetting. I suppose I don't mind the positive habits... and I suppose external forces do end up showing you a lot of your negative habits as they're carried out. I'm not sure if I just don't pay enough attention.
I can't stop eating. I'm trying to just snack on small things at least but not doing a great job. I've got some peanut butter in front of me and the jar is slowly emptying. It is below the mid-line now. My poor dog can only have so much peanut butter. He's hanging in there, watching me devour his favorite snack and receiving a small fraction of it himself. I'll give him a little more the next time I think I'm done. I need to take him deep into the woods before dark.
I didn't get much done today. I still can. I usually kind of get a second wind at the end of the day. I just have to sleep soon afterwards. I mainly spent the day thinking about things with debates on in the background, spending a small portion of time trying some css properties I'm just learning or relearning.
I feel people with gods often do this thing, but definitely not all. They'll hint at something they don't agree with about you, but won't directly say anything about it. If you point it out they'll completely deny there was any reason they said it other than "just talking". But it's clearly in the context of what is being said and they won't admit what their feelings or thoughts are on a subject. I wonder sometimes how aware most of these people are of it and if it's literally their conscious manifestations of a god forcing them to say it. But in both this situation and the situation where they're just not honest with either themselves or others, a subconscious process is speaking out and they wouldn't have as much awareness or control over it, which makes it very hard to talk about with them. It's increasingly frustrating because I know all their problems with me but they refuse to talk about any of it. Not all people with gods are like this. I think it depends on how your god develops, which you have total control over I believe, so... But I wonder how much of a determining factor it should be in the people I keep around me.
view22 18 March [1145]
I woke up quite motivated in contrast to recent days.
I drove to two different stores to buy some coffee filters and incense. Neither could wait apparently. I took my dog Mickey with me as usual when I'm going in and out of a small store. The cashier at the dollar store where I got the coffee filters told me they liked my sweater! I loved that.
I felt slightly awkward because I felt like I should say more than “Thank you!”, though I don't think I exuded too much of an air of discomfort, a common concern of mine in such situations. I don't want the other person to think my uneasiness is due to not wanting to be complemented by them specifically; it's most likely due to being complimented by anyone for any reason.
I had a great time listening to music in the car. The feeling takes me back years as it hasn't been a common occurrence in as much time. I'm writing this is in my bedroom now. I'm losing my motivation as the day progresses due to the usual unnecessary stressors and not being able to do anything about them. This may be solved with some rap. My main stressor seems to be deterred by rap. My main de-stressor seems to be encouraged by it as well! I suppose there is something I can do, or at least try.
Writing with the moment now, I hope my mood stays somewhat elevated. It's hard to imagine it will when I can't just focus on what I'm doing. My stressor left! I'm out of juice to write at the moment but the day is already looking better!
. He's just a very good moderator and generally knows what he's talking about. The debates often hurt my brain, though. I mean they're incredibly performative, it just goes with the Twitch/Youtube/Twitter/etc. platforms. They're kind of shit sometimes. I can't listen to that noise regularly.