A place to shout into the void.
I told you last night that, if you decided to “work” from home because you can't cope with having one moment of simple adversity, you needed to let me have my space because I had shit to do.
And now I can't focus because you won't stop hovering over me, as if I'm supposed to entertain your whims because you can't handle one simple problem that people deal with on a daily basis.
I want to be left alone. I wish I had a room with a door and a lock so that I could keep you out.
I don't know how many times my cishet man partner needs to hear me tell him that I refuse to be his second mother, but it's certainly a non-zero number. And despite him trying to treat me as such, despite him knowing that I refuse to be that person, he keeps trying.
And yet, he proclaims himself an anarchist. He proclaims himself to be a person seeking the liberation of other people.
All while he tries to subjugate me to traditional gender roles that I have never asked for and always clearly said I would never follow.
It makes me sick, all these patriarchal figures in a movement that can never be patriarchal.
As a society, we should be ashamed of ourselves for creating an environment to encourage and enable excessive co-dependence. It's not that people shouldn't be helped or that we should be left entirely on their own, but we should be able to grow into adults who can at least act in ways where we learn to do things for ourselves or ask people in appropriate ways.
Demanding that someone do something for you is inappropriate. It's not difficult to ask for help where it is needed.
Expecting that someone else will take over the responsibility of solving your problem for you so that you don't have to worry about anything is inappropriate. You should know that you're involved in solving your personal problems, rather than waiting around for them to be solved for you.
And cishet men do this so often. More often, in my experience, than anyone else.
“My whole day is ruined now!”
“I'll have to take the day off of work to solve this!”
Followed by the slamming of everything, like doors and toilet seats. May as well break everything, seeing as that's the only solution to not getting a new toy.
Rather than actually try to solve the problem, rather than make records, rather than do anything at fucking all.
Slam, slam, slam.
... Then there's the whole refusal to engage in the world because one bad thing happened.
“I can't run now because of this.” He still has everything he needs to run. Nothing has changed.
“I can't make dinner because I'm upset.” As if that is relevant, as if he's never made me make dinner while I was upset or in pain or anything at all.
There are so many days where I struggle with not hating him for this kind of shit, but there are so many more where I feel trapped and without option.
Regardless of whether it's true or not, my partner's problems are always inherently worse than my own. Whenever he has an issue that is solvable but requires effort, he refuses to do anything at all except mope around. It's almost as if he wants his mommy to come make things better and do it for him, but I refuse to be his second mother. Fuck that.
If only immigration and financial safety didn't keep me somewhat tied to him... Sometimes, I feel like I'd leave.
The fact that I have to explain to a grown adult who claims to 'stand with workers' that he shouldn't mistreat workers because of an accident beyond their control is absolutely nonsensical.
Every single day, I realise that anarchists in Europe suck ass even more than any other region. And that's because too many of them want the aesthetics but think they're too edgy to call themselves what they really are: useless liberals.
Anarchism has values and beliefs, even if we're not all the same. It never includes capitalism, hierarchies, or oppression. It doesn't enable abuse or support bigotry. Anyone propping up their love for any of that via the path of anarchism is not an anarchist; that's simple.
They're using the aesthetics. They're pretending.
But anarchists in Europe? Patriarchal as shit. Nationalist as shit. Racist as shit. Queerphobic as shit. Colonialist and imperialist as shit. They never even explore their own values, and they never question what they've grown up learning. They just slap the word 'anarchist' on their views and go about as usual.
It is unsurprising to me that, even within anarchist circles which are full of cis men who claim to want liberation for all people, they simply cannot stop themselves from treating all feminine people around them as replacement mothers and caretakers.
Demanding so much and returning so little, always invading our space no matter what we say or how we say it... They perpetually ignore everything and claim that they've been wronged when they don't get what they want.
If we truly want liberation, these (among others) behaviours need to be revisited and dismantled.
“I don't want to ask on every post.”
Then feel free to not respond to me. Reconsider the way that social media and the internet is used. You do not have to engage with me all the time just because you follow me.
I have very often started drafting a response to someone only to delete it because it felt inadequate and potentially invasive. I have changed an entire response to something that asks for permission or grants access. I have prefaced statements with “This is tangential, but I also noticed...”
And with every consideration and change, I have had productive conversations and came up with new considerations and ideas that I hadn't thought of prior to that moment or wouldn't have recognised.
You do not need to simply respond to a complaint with a way to individually fix a problem that someone is pointing out as being infrastructural or systemic. You can just... commiserate.
You can also see it as a time to reflect upon the world around you. If this is an area you're interested in, what does it look like for you? And how do you fix it? And are there more people around you like me who have the same worries and frustrations and needs? Are there others beyond people like me who are being neglected and ignored?
You don't need to respond. Reading can be, and often is, enough.
“What kinds of responses do you want when you're complaining?”
Don't respond at all. Sit and reflect upon your current situation and how you could possibly change it for the better to meet the need of people like me around you. I'm not complaining purely for my own benefit. Recognise that not everything needs a response. Just because you can respond doesn't mean you fucking should.
If you're unaware if I want a solution or help, ask. Do that first and always. I don't know why this is never something that people don't do. If something doesn't start with a clear call for assistance, it might be a good idea to ask if someone wants help... Especially if what they're doing seems like venting frustrations. Your “assistance” is only going to make that person more upset, and you're more likely to get a more receptive person if you ask “Do you need help?” or “Do you want help?” or something than if you just blaze on in and solve their problem without consider what the purpose of their complaint is.
Solutions that involve “just go buy this thing” aren't useful and don't take into consideration a person's financial situation. If part of your solution includes “just go buy this thing,” especially when that thing is quite expensive, it's only going to make someone angry.
Stop individualising everything. Start reading things to see if it's an infrastructural or systemic problem before you go telling someone what they, on their own, can do. Otherwise, you're contributing to the same things they're already complaining about.