WolfStar76

Stresses everywhere...

I'm tired ya'll.

This year has been a rollercoaster. A New Years Eve breakup, a shakeup at work, falling ill as the work shakeup is happening – all while I was on PTO to boot.

Then, taking action with my new ADHD diagnosis. Getting on meds. Finding out that, in addition to appetite suppression common to stimulants, my pill also works on binge eating issues.

So not only am I hungry far less often (or, if I am hungry, I can disregard the feeling instead of needing to sate my hunger right away) – I can just... Stop eating when I'm seated. I don't need to clean my plate.

Of course, this is bittersweet too, as my meds cost roughly 300 a month. $10 a pill – for executive function, weight loss, and a daily dose of hope.

I hate it each time I re-up, but... I can't imagine stopping either. Fingers crossed for a generic this summer as is predicted.

So, all this personal growth is happening.

Then there's work. I caught up on email Monday morning. Picked up 10 tasks from email. Four days later, I'm still working on 6 of them. Plus my dozen open tickets, plus my projects, oh and the tasks I haven't written down, but am working on.

Wednesday night? We had a service provider go into an outage. We have a 14-point list of action items to follow up on. Nine of those are assigned to me (and, in fairness, 4 or so can be lumped together, but still...)

So, I try to keep some semblance of a work-life balance.

Except, there's just a ton of stress there too. Youngest called me tonight because she's “just been stressed out for a couple weeks now, and I don't even know why.”

So, great, she doesn't know it but she's talking about what I would call generalized anxiety.

The Ex said she wanted us to talk one in one this week. I reminded her of that stated goal Monday morning, asked when she wants to meet.

She hasn't responded yet.

I told myself I was going to have that one on one talk before I made any other moves, but if she can't or won't meet with me...

Ugh.

I probably need to talk to an Attny tomorrow.

Even if I still have a grown up talk with the Ex, I can start laying groundwork for if things don't go well at the talk.

I wanna get things resolved. I want my kids to start on a path to happiness again. I want to have some moment of my life that doesn't feel stressful.

What I really want, is a change of pace.

I love caring for others. Well and truly. I work ina support role for a living, because I'm good with tech, and I'm pretty good at both taming it – and explaining it to others.

One of my hobbies used to be helping others make D&D games happen at conventions. I'd like to get back to that this year.

I try to facilitate good things with and for my friends. Heck, I even have Kali crashing on my couch last night and tonight, to help her stay warm and safe.

In romantic relationships (and some friendships) I'm “Daddy”. I help others with choices, big and small. I care, I nurture, I provide. I smooth things over.

And I'm tired.

I want to turn the tables, just for a while.

I want... need someone to care for me for a bit. To help me recharge my battery. To smooth my issues, or my just...life for a little bit. To let me get caught up.

Instead, I know I'm quickly rushing toward burnout. Because no matter where I look, if feels like there's just a different pile of stressors waiting to be dealt with. Some are things I can deal with, others I'm waiting for someone or something else.

It feels like I can't make progress, and it feels like there's no end in sight. Like I'm spinning my wheels on every front.

Tonight, I lie here typing, and I wish for just a few things.

I want the clarity and personal strength to keep things moving at work.

I want to get my girls the help they want and need.

I want some sweet cutie I can care for, but who will help carry my burdens in return. And whim I can wrap in my arms at night as a thank you.

Such simple-seeming things.

Such completely out-of-reach seeming things.

Tomorrow I need to practice gratitude. I have so much, and so many niceties in my life. I need to focus on that, lest unfulfilled wishing drag me down.

The confrontation and the day after...

So, it has been building for almost a year.

A long year.

My oldest daughter reached out to me last April. Completely distraught over having no choice, and no agency in her life. She was at a birthday party.

Not for herself. Not for any of her friends.

For the daughter of someone my Ex-wife used to work with.

Ari has nothing in common with the other girl, or any of the birthday girl's friends.

And she poured her heart out to me about a LOT of emotional mistreatment under her mother's care.

And this began a nearly year-long conversation. At first it was just her and I. I attempted to get to to talk to a school counselor. I offered to get her to talk to a therapist. She could, she wasn't ready.

Eventually her sister picked up on the conversations, and joined in. She had many of the same complaints.

Fast forward to January-ish. I got my youngest to agree to talk to her school counselor. I joined in to start that talk. I believe they still talk almost weekly.

And, I was able to ease that counselor into finding/having a reason to talk to my oldest too. And more floodgates opened.

Oldest set up a conversation with her favorite teach, the counselor, and myself.

It was a great discussion. It went on for a little over an hour and a half.

The counselor expressed concerns about PTSD, Social Anxiety, and even Dissasociation.

I asked Oldest, if she had a magic wand, what would she want from this situation. She wants a break from her mother. Not a permanent stop, but a month away.

Eventually was able to pose the same question to Youngest. Her answer was very similar. A couple weeks break from her mother.

So, we all made notes, we picked a date, and we took their mother out to dinner.

It was a long, LONG conversation. Youngest spent a good bit of time curled into a ball in my lap, face buried against my chest, tears streaming down her face from finally saying what she wanted her mother to hear.

Oldest was also visibly upset.

Ex was... I dont even know. I had prepared for multiple worst case scenarios. None of those happened, so at first I counted the night as a win.

But on reflection, and after a good night's sleep? She... Was made of Teflon all night. She would nod when the girls would speak. But there was always an excuse. Always a deflection. She never admitted fault.

When the girls complained about her not listening – she put the onus on them. Pointing out sometimes she has to be told a thing several times, because there's so much going on.

Missing the point entirely, and also offloading her responsibility.

Suddenly, her tune was completely different on the topic of ADHD. In January I had mentioned it once more – for the first time in years. She adamantly told me, point blank, “You knowns don't want her in therapy or on medication!”

Last night, it was all “Of COURSE I want you to get more help if that's what you think you need...”

And, after both girls, crying, talked about her not listening, her saying one thing, them the opposite – while denying she ever had or would say the first thing (gaslighting), she just sat there unfazed.

I told her the school thinks Oldest has Anxiety, PTSD, and Disassociation. Her reply?

“Well she's always had anxiety...”

The fuck she has! She is sometimes shy in new situations. That is NOT anxiety!

But most ire-drawing of all?

When I spoke for the girls, stateing that they want a break from her, she halted me before I could finish the sentence.

She shot it down.

I tried to confirm, clearly – that she thinks it's better FOR THE GIRLS (who are asking not to be with her) to spend time more time with her? That it isn't just what she wants?

She was sure. And, “Mom's and daughters don't always get along, but they need to be with me. I'm their mother.”

Just re-typing it, exhausted from a long day, in bed, on my phone... My heart rate is over 100bpm.

I have failed. I did not get her to see that this is more than just some small family argument. That this is a HUGE deal.

She said she wants to meet 1:1 this coming week to talk to me. I'm amenable to it. She asked for the meet, so she can set the agenda.

But, I've spent today talking to people. The school, therapists, social workers, friends, family. People.

We tried – last night – to be direct, but gentle. It bounced off of her.

So, at the 1:1, I'm done with kids gloves. I will be moving from a message of hope, to the harsh light of truth. She has to appreciate and accept her role, and her responsibilities in these issues. I can't afford to be gentle. Our kids are paying the price for my gentility.

If I don't put a spotlight on the issues and spell them out very very clearly. If I give her any wiggle room – she will wriggle right out of facing the issues.

Tonight, Youngest had a choral concert at her school. I dropped her off and grabbed a seat. Ex came in and chose to sit next to me. She could barely look at or talk to me. She spent no small amount of time picking at her nails, and I know that for the nervous habit it is. She was stressed.

Concert ended (it was adorable), and we went to greet Youngest together. Youngest gave her the cold shoulder to the best of her ability.

Ex actually seemed aware of it. Perhaps the talk needed time to sink in.

Ex tried to tell me she would take the girls on Sat. I stood my ground. “I was gonna keep 'em through Monday.”

Because, I'm pretty sure our agreement says 50/50 time. I got them Monday after school, you can have them back Monday after school. (I have a fresh copy of our agreement coming from the county tomorrow, I hope).

I pushed, she relented a bit, expecting me to drop them off Sunday. Because her Finacee's family is in town. Youngest told me they only live an hour away, and come to town every couple weeks. It's not a big deal.

But, that's sorta irrelevant. Paperwork says 50/50. Girls don't wanna be with her. So, I'm giving them the full benefit of that 50/50.

I continue to hold out hope, that I can make her see the light. That she can understand this isn't “just teenager stuff” and that our girls are traumatized.

If she can't see it, if she won't budge...

...then... I will have given it every effort to do things in a civil way.

What comes next?

What comes next will make her head spin. I don't want to go down the road I see. She REALLY doesn't want me to go down that road.

But, what I want? What she wants? Irrelevant.

What our kids need? Top priority.

She has an opportunity to be what our kids need, instead of what she thinks she's sure they need.

Or, she can deal with me exercising my every right.

Every. One.

I was never able to stand up to her for my own sake.

But these kids deserve better.

Period.

Loneliness, Relationships, and Life Changes.

I'm in a mood both lonely and self reflective tonight.

While I can't be sure what the trigger is, I figure it's a mixture of stress over the metal health of my kids and the talk I need to have with their mother on the subject. Combined with, on reflection, how much I enjoyed my time with my kids last week. Plus I'm just ...spent and tired. The weekend was a long one.

I haven't put much stock in Fitbits “readiness score” before. And when I saw it was at a “1” this morning, I rolled my eyes. But... Maybe there's something to it after all, if mood and motivation are any indication.

Since ending my work day and having a nap, I've spent most of my evening in bed or on the couch.

There's no denying it. I'm a little hungry for companionship right now. I find myself wishing for a partner to cuddle up in bed with. Someone to hide away from the world with.

This is a bit of an unusual desire for me. I'm typically the partner with a solid foothold on reality, and who can use the firm grip to shelter my partner from the world. Letting her forget her stresses for a bit. To be carefree for a time, while I carry the burdens of life. It rejuvenates me to BE that shelter for others.

And yet, as I type this, I'm struck with the use of the word “partner” and find myself longing for exactly that.

This is gonna sound like I'm shitting on those I've loved in the past – I promise I'm not. My ex girlfriend and my ex wife have their merits. The goal of my ramblings is to examine why “partner” is such a strong word to me today – and for that I'm gonna have to look at my role in my relationships.

Now... If you don't already know, in addition to identifying as #asexual for the last few years, I'm also #polyamorous and #kinky. Specifically, I like Dominant/submissive relationships – #DDlg to be specific.

So, as a DaddyDom – yes, I find the part of my relationships where I'm a caregiver very satisfying. It's empowering, it makes me feel appreciated and validated. Adored and half-worshipped is just.... an indescribable feeling. All the happy brain tingles happen.

But...

With my Ex-wife... For a long time, she filled that rule without knowing it. Neither of us knew if D/s at the time, much less DD/lg. I eventually learned more of such things and found it sounding “right” for me.

She, on the other hand, it's hard to describe. She started to identify more and more as a kick-ass independent woman. Which, fuck yeah! Strong women are sexy as heck.

But... She isn't really. She was generally dependent on me, and... A little resentful of it over time, perhaps?

She slowly became some of what bigots charicatureise feminists as being. She seems to think feminism is about being strong and independent to the point of being off-putting. But she also became... of the opinion that any woman embracing/displaying her sexuality was absolutely not a feminist.

I think it would be fair to call her a SERF, though she'd had the label – even while badmouthing sex workers. Make of it what you will.

The end result being that, we just drifted apart in what we wanted and needed from a romantic relationship. I might even argue that, by the end, we both wanted to be Head of Household.

Partners, we were not.

Moving to my recent ex-girlfriend... She was much more emotionally fulfilling. She was a natural babygirl. She wanted... Nay needed me to Daddy her.

When we started to talk about her coming here to visit (and eventually move here), she was so eager and excited. I've no doubt of her love for me. I've no doubt she meant all the things she said.

She told me how frustrated she was to hear of ExWifes housekeeping, opinions on my hobbies, and more. She felt it only fair if one person ina relationship spent extra hours at work and brought home twice what the other did, that it was only fair that household chores would bear inverse responsibility levels.

Fast forward a few years. We were together, and I was paying ALL of our bills. She was gainfully employed, but rent was all me. Cell phone, all me. Insurance, all me. Utilities, rent, gas all me.

As for chores? I did my laundry. I did the cooking and dishes. I was told, explicitly l, that my bedroom and my office were mine to clean. In fairness, she'd get tired of my messy office and”help me clean” by doing 90% of the cleaning and organizing for me.

Once a month or so she'd buy that week's groceries and/or clean the living room.

Eventually she moved out to try living on her own, paying bills, keeping house etc. I supported this.

Initially my support was emotional. Then I paid a good chuck of her first month's rent. And the next month a different bill. And then another. All while still paying for the old apartment (before the lease came up and I could move somewhere less expensive), her health insurance, and her phone.

Even post-breakup, several things are in my name....

So again, while I had a romantic life with someone – and the best one in my life – I still didn't have a partner.

And now... Now I find that's what I really want. A partner. Someone as interested in meeting my needs, as I am theirs. Someone who depends on me not of necessity – but as a matter of choice.

Someone who can choose to lean on me, and who will also see when I need support and volunteer it (or, given my occasional stubbornness – force it upon me).

And so I have to give a good think about what I can do to identify and attract that sort of partner. What I can do to make sure I don't let myself just fall into my role in a relationship because it's convenient – but instead learn my needs and boundaries, and then express and maintain them.

If I'm going to Daddy someone, I should model good behavior for her. That starts with modeling how I care for myself – starting with my boundaries.

I'm going to dive right in.

If you want an #Introduction post – check my Mastodon account of @[email protected].

I only, just now, writing this, realized I could pin my #Introduction post to my Mastodon account, so... I've taken care of that. Enjoy it.

Instead, I need to just... spend a minute being, frankly, vulnerable.

I've had my kids here the past week.

It's been amazing.

Now, I'm going to confess. I'm always a little trepidatious about having my kids. I'm not, honestly, sure why. Some mixture of baggage from the ex, imposter syndrome, and a weird feeling like I have to “entertain” my kids when they're here – when all they really need is shelter, food, and occasional help with homework.

Something about this week with them has hit different. Maybe its the upping of my #adhd meds. Maybe it's just been the quality of the time spent. Perhaps it's the deep talks we've been having about the issues they are facing.

Whatever it's been – the week with them has hit hard.

And it doesn't appear to be just me that feels it. Tonight, I dropped the girls off at their Mother's place. Oldest turned 14 this week, and Ex had a birthday party for her.

But... Oldest has social anxiety issues. She doesn't like crowds. She prefers having a few close friends, and doesn't enjoy being the center of attention.

So, Ex had all of her fiancees' family over. 30-ish people. Luckily, most of them could, I think, sense her mood as she sat on the farthest corner of the couch next to her best friend, hiding in her phone. Largely, they left her be.

I suspect some of them will have been miffed at her ignoring them – but... too damn bad. It's (allegedly) her party – she can, in my opinion, behave how she likes.

Anyhow, as it came to be time for me to go... Oldest ... just /clung/ to me. With a desperation I was completely ill equipped to deal with. A couple tears rolling down her cheek at the prospect of being at Mom's house (and under Mom's thumb) for a week.

I'm ... shook.

Now, in fairness – I'm tired (haven't slept right the last couple days), I've been doing well (too well?) on my diet, and I donated blood this morning. So... I'm not exactly a stoic mountain today.

But... I very nearly pulled Ex aside at that to just tell her “Oldest is coming home with me for a few more days. Deal with it.”

I didn't. I'm not sure if that means I'm a coward – or if I'm just sticking to the plans as I've been working it, and as has been endorsed by my therapist.

All the same.... fuck.

I feel like I've ... betrayed my Oldest? Betrayed isn't quite right. Abandoned her to her personal Hell might be a better fit.

This is all a very... surreal experience for me.

Ex and I didn't have a messy divorce. Partly (mostly?) because I just... didn't fight. For anything. I was just happy to be done.

We've remained cordial now that we're divorced. We don't always see eye to eye – but we've not had any fights. She HAS called me a couple times upset about this thing or that thing, but I've found my footing. I let her vent/rant, I get her to stop and hear my reasoned reply, and those two issues have, largely, been put to bed as a result. They haven't recurred.

She's always insisted on having the kids, and I've never battled that. I never even considered that it was a bad idea. She's always wanted to be a Mom. She's a teacher – a special ed teacher at that.

On paper, she's well suited to, y'know, care for our kids mental/emotional well-being.

But... no.

I just... it never occurred to me that I'd be someone facing discussions about my Ex mistreating our kids. Or about custody arrangements needing to change (at least temporarily).

And while I'm 100% moving forward in having that conversation (which includes giving the girls time to prepare things they also want to say to her, with me present to defend them and/or mediate the table discussion)... and while I know, logically that I'm doing the right thing right now...

... emotionally I'm just... spent right now. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong now that we're this close. I feel like I should just... push us all across that finish line. Rip off the bandage. I wanna lash out and just DO.

Oldest needs therapy. She needs respect. She needs privacy, and time, and space.

Youngest doesn't have it as bad – but even SHE is literally asking for Mental Healthcare. A professional to talk to about life – and someone to talk to about her suspected ADHD.

I just have to keep reminding myself that... I'm doing all the things.

I've checked legal resources. I've strategized with my therapist. I've got my kids talking to the counselor at their school. I'm keeping notes on all the things I'm learning, and events as they keep happening. I've even prepared a few . . . bombshells.

Truly, sincerely, I really hope I don't have to use any of them. I'm nice – to the point of being a pushover. Especially with my Ex. It's just ... easier to accede to her wants most of the time.

But ... if she either refuses to accept the cries for help we're about to make together – or if she keeps her head buried in the sand of “I don't think...” and “I don't feel...” or “I don't want...”

... well.

I don't give much of a fuck what she wants/feels/thinks. I care about what our KIDS need.

And I'm armed for bear.

So... she can go all Mama Bear if she feels the need. Bear Traps are prepared. Hopefully, they can stay hung safely in the proverbial shed.

But ... they're there if I need them.

Fuck.

I need a drink. And a hug.