view2022/2/24 #poetry
Try the Autorhyme 5000
it has features to the max
it is very user friendly and
there is no sales tax
I'm using it myself, right now!
It's just the thing I need
When I get stuck and don't know how
to rhyme it helps indeed.
Don't be caught without one
embarrassment may ensue
but with it when you're all done
your audience will ooh.
I bet that I've convinced you
that you're running to the store
but before you put the purchase through
I will say Wait! There's more!
Yes! It also shines your shoes,
well no, but it gives them a buff
you'll see it starts to ooze
with such unnecessary stuff.
Up top it warms your towels
inside it cuts your hair
but before you give me scowls
its attributes don't stop there.
Oh, it won't grant you three wishes,
but what is almost just as good?
It can do your dishes!
I can see you've understood.
It won't clean your countertops
but it will clean the floor
don't spend time pushing around mops
it is such a boring chore
There are over ten more things
but I'll mention just one
and with all the savings of effort it brings
there'll be so much more time for fun
It can do your shopping
I bet that one you didn't predict
combine that with the mopping
and you've got this chore thing licked
Now go on and get to rhyming
it's easier than it looks
with the Autorhyme 5000
soon you'll be filling books.
view2022/2/23
What happens in the freezer? I grew up thinking that frozen things never changed. The mashed potatoes on the back of the shelf would last forever. I found out eventually that that isn't the case. But why? Water still evaporates when it is frozen, sublimating up and out of food, but then it refreezes in the cold air. Lots of other things change too, for various reasons but the cincher is the freezer not really being frozen all the time. When you open the door it lets out the cold and in the warm air. The more stuff and less air in your freezer the better. Packing it full of crumpled newspaper can help with this. Having a chest freezer that opens at the top is even better.
view2022/2/22 #poetry
The time'll come and you'll know what to do.
You'll also know where to go, what to say, and to who.
There may be a trick, but you'll know that too.
It'll probably seem tough, but you'll make it through.
I have complete confidence in you
and you can rest assured that these words are true.
view2022/2/21 #poetry
Living in a city
Artificial environment
Containers
Isolating elements
Activities
People
Everything in a dedicated spot
Reducing connection
Expansiveness
Openness
Yet establishing channels for
and organization of
Most of what we need
view2022/2/20
This blonde walks into a bar. The bartender asks “what can I get for you?” The blonde replies “I'm just looking for a restroom.” The bartender lets her know “the restroom is only for customers.” The blonde negotiates “I really don't need anything other than the toilet. What if I tell you a really good joke instead?” The bartender accedes “Only if it's really good. I shouldn't but I can't turn down a good joke.” So the blonde starts:
“This blonde walks into a bar. She sits down on the stool next to a stranger and asks “If I can make you laugh will you buy me a drink?””
“I'm going to stop you right there.” intercedes the bartender, “This sounds like it's going to re-present the situation we're in now.”
“That's part of the joke.” responds the blonde, and continues:
“The stranger considers, then pontificates “Something makes me laugh approximately every 5 minutes in here. Considering how much drinks cost I wouldn't say that's worth it.””
The bartender intercedes again “What I'm really worried about is how many levels deep you are planning to take this.”
The blonde just gives a knowing smile and continues:
“The blonde reasons “This probably won't be categorically funnier than those things but unlike those humorous situational moments that are only funny if you are there, this will be a tale you can take with you and gain social currency by telling it again and again.””
“The stranger accepts “That clarification does make this seem like a fair wager. I'll take you up.””
“The blonde begins: “So, as everyone knows, when you finally get to the front of the line, the cashier at Ye Olde Corner Coffee Megacorp ask you for your name so that they can call for you when your order is up. Sometimes they write it on the cup to make sure they don't mix up the drinks. This adds a whole 'nother level of possibility to the already complex difficulty of getting peoples names correct when spoken at normal volume in a loud environment as once it has been transcribed by hand it may be hard to read as well. There was a discussion that I was privy to recently about this whole issue. One of the participants said they were working on making cups with integrated biometric lip recognition devices that would only open the spout on the cup for the right mouth and you'd just imprint on the cup when your order was taken instead of giving your name and that would solve this problem but the other participants shouted them down claiming that was one of the stupidest ideas they'd ever heard, really truly the worst, and it would obviously be better to let some names be wrong sometimes than to implement a solution like that. I couldn't help but agree and by this point I was really getting hooked into the discussion but for better or worse instead of continuing to reason about how to make the cups more likely to be labeled accurately the whole thing devolved into a game of 'who could recount the most egregious instance of misspelling or mispronouncing.' This ultimately worked in my favor, despite the initial disappointment, since I uncovered some gems that really were worth digging for that I'd be happy to share with you.” She paused with raised eyebrows to assess engagement.”
““Go on.” the stranger prompted.”
““The first one that got me was how difficult it seems for many of these employees to spell Ian. I won't make you guess how that goes wrong, the best were E-e-y-o-n and E.N.”
“Even better though was one response: “Grande mocha no whip for Plain. And ya know what? It’s Anne.””
“But my favorite by far was “When they ask me for my name I like to give them a number instead. I always tell em “7”.
They call me Steven.“””
After a moment of dead air the bartender prompted “So?”
The blonde explained “That's it, that's the punchline.”
The bartender balked “But the story doesn't conclude! What happens to the blonde and the stranger, does she get her drink?”
“I assume so,” muses the blonde, “it was a very funny remark.”
“That's completely unsatisfying.” Erupts the bartender, “And it doesn't fit the template of a blonde joke in the first place!”
“No one ever said it was a blonde joke,” retorts the blonde, “why would I, a person with blond hair, tell a joke designed to denigrate people with blonde hair?”
“Because self deprecation is one way to add extra punch to your humor.” reasoned the bartender.
“I find them offensive, regardless.” Pouts the blonde.
“Well if that's how the joke ends I don't think I can accept it to be really good.” threatens the bartender.
The blonde argues “But if the joke went on after the punchline it'd get stuck going nowhere and have to end in an unsatisfying and boring way.”
“Is that so?” asked the bartender.
“It's true!” exclaimed the blonde, “and if that happens it could even be accused of being an anti-joke.”
“But anti-jokes don't have punchlines at all” offered the bartender.
“Even if your joke isn't factually an anti-joke if you have to argue for why it is in fact not after you finish telling it I'm pretty sure that you didn't get the response you were aiming for” supplied the blonde.
“Ha! That's a funny way to put it” laughed the bartender.
view2022/2/19 #poetry
Into the river
Cold and clear
One foot
The other
Careful and slow
Feeling the water
Quickly flow
Feeling the stones
Smooth and hard
Full focus
Full breath
Full feeling
view2022/2/18
How does it work?
You put the untrip on the detrip.
Like this?
No, that's the contrip.
Which one?
The one you're attaching it to.
This?
No, that's the nitrip.
There aren't even that many of them, how can this be a different one entirely?
Each has a function and a name.
Ugh! So this attaches to this?
No...
What!?
I could just, you know, if you don't mind...
Yes, fine! Here, you do it.
view2022/2/17 #poetry
Wander and wander until you are through. It's fun to explore with nothing to do. Weaving through pathways I have left uncharted. Somehow ending up right back where I started. Chatting and looking at so many things. Climbing a stairway to see what it brings. Urban hiking down paths and through parks. Hear the cutting of metal, see a shower of sparks. Avoid road construction and chipping of trees. Stop at each flower as if we are bees. Gawk at the houses, expensive and crude. Decide to head home when I am in the mood.
view2022/2/16 #poetry
Only the beginning of this sentence is of any importance, please disregard the rest. Take and make anything you care to. Just leave enough for extra to be everywhere. All at once is hard to read, that's not the way we process words. One bite at a time, the eye bite, for each part that we combine to make meaning and to rhyme. It can be longer than it seems, once you are in it it feels like no time, as you come out you see how long it has been. Each word leads into the next. Memory summarizes. You take what you know and fit parts of your summary in. Then summarize that, in the blink of an eye, when you want to recall or express all again.
view2022/2/15 #poetry
Hit the ball. It don't mind. Slam it hard. It can't cry. Smash it, whack it, whap it good, with implements of metal, plastic, or wood. It's just an object, made for bashing, it doesn't fear any sort of thrashing. As it's careening through the air it doesn't have a single care. The ball is fine no matter what, it doesn't feel any of it.
Or does it? Nah.