A FEW YEARS OF ACTIVISM
CW Mentions suicidal
How to begin a story, many versions could be written, this is just one attempt, (and perhaps I should read it through to check what I've written, in one out stream of words, but it's now midnight, and time to sleep for tomorrow's work.)
That began in 2021,
Or December 2019, or Summer 2019
Looking for meaning, looking for something which benefits others, looking to follow faith
Reading of extinction rebellion trials and personal commitments; reading IPCC reports to check not just nonscience
Disappointed at Boris Johnson massive election win
Joining extinction rebellion and christian climate action, meeting Revd Sue Parfitt and others convinced of civil resistance. Joining continuous relay lent vigil outside parliament. Attending my first summer 'rebellion', in 2020, marching into parliament square with thousands inc former Archbishop Rowan Williams; a festival atmosphere, sitting occupying the road, the climax as the arrests beginning, waiting until finally your turn, as sang taize chants, prayed, read bible, – was all this focus on arrest, the heros, healthy?
A way of showing personal commitment, an illustration of wanting to stop climate breakdown, but was it feeding on myths of sacrifice, and martyrdom? Was it realistic to believe the police would be overwhelmed, the government would acknowledge how seriously we felt and act on climate, the public would swing behind us impressed by our dedication.
A couple of days later back in Parliament square trying unsuccessivefully with Sue Parfitt and others to glue to the gates of the house of Lords, before gluing to the road... another arrest.
This is where memory blurs, a rebellion of one, blocking a road in small teams across the country, another arrest – driven by the sense of urgency and horror at the impending consequences of climate change, and the need to act now to stop adding more CO2 to the atmosphere. The grief at what we were doing to the planet, to communities around the world, to coral reefs, the sense of responsibility, the need for purpose, doing something useful, beneficial, finding themselves manifest in the need to keep acting and keep being arrested.
Joining animal rebellion to block a burger factory supplying McDonalds, the festival atmosphere, the great structures, sleeping outdoors under the night sky on top of a box, blocking the entrance; being there for 3 days before being arrested and removed, that collective sense of achievement; that a group of people could block a factory for 3 days, and also have beautiful creative structures, and the feeling of solidarity with wonderful caring people.
The beginning of many lock-ons. Got used to peeing in bottles, and wearing nappies, although only had to pee in a nappy once. And glad of a shower and a change of clothes at police station.
A wintry blocking of MOD Filton in the rain, the days before creating and painting the structures in military camouflage, the setting up, and lock-ons, the negotiated disbanding in early afternoon – why the block, the carbon emissions of the military and war. Great time with XR Bristol and XR peace. It happened most people at the site were working from home, but felt important, symbolic.
A visit to court for original parliament offences, and disobeying in the dock, which seemed a good idea at the time, as I accepted the narrative of the legal system failing to protect environment and siding with corporations. Getting into court with superglue, live streaming, with poorly glued hands, police de bonding, sentencing for contempt of court – 2 weeks in prison – as expected, and to plan, along with Tim Hughes. A daunting experience waiting in holding cells with other prisons, relieved to reunited with Tim, who I shared a cell. A typically iconic victorian style prison, huge in scale – Wandsworth. Released after a week.
A badly implemented protest – as others were smashing bank windows – something I didn't want to do – I covered my local branch window in treacle – which I thought wouldn't cause damage and represented oil – and tried to glue on inside with treacly hands. The police removed my hand without needing a debonding team, I didn't have anyone to photograph the window, before quickly cleaned, and when later in court, and tried gluing on at the sentencing, the security guards pulled my hands off and threw me out the building. Now they recognise me, everytime I visit. I ended up having to pay barclays – the worst uk bank for providing money to fossil fuels, £900 to have their window pressure hosed.
Two visits two the science museum over fossil fuel sponsorship expecting to be arrested, one skipping court to lock on to an exhibit, one with young people occupying. Both times great to get to know other wonderful caring scientists. Neither time arrested, but did hand myself in after an arrest warrant for skipping court.
Another summer rebellion, 2021 I guess, locked under a van, blocking street leading to square with pink table, another festival atmosphere, police clearing late at night, cutting out of lock-ons. A visit to a dairy with animal rebellion, locked under another van, but quickly isolated from our supporters by ring of police, managing to block the dairy until late at night. Biggest milk processing centre in country, and large source of emissions. Arriving early hours of morning, feeling of collective success when all established, locked on structures constructed, another impressive visual blockade.
Somewhere in mix, talk of insulate britain, a feeling that the only reason not to take part was selfish my own comfort of avoiding risk of prison, and therefore an obligation to carry on pursuing demand for climate action. Missing most of the meetings and prep. Then in September week after week, twice a week, blocking motorway slip-roads, alternative days travelling back to bristol for work, after a night in the cells. That strong team feeling, that feeling of doing something important, aware of the hostility of drivers, of the condemnation by the press, trying to avoid the police as they found were we were staying, police responding quicker and quicker resulting in less and less distribution, but still being reported. Sitting on empty motorway carriageways were the police had stopped the traffic. Arrest after arrest, sometimes horrid police interviews trying to pin accidents on you, always no comment, no comment, trying not to smile at the absurdity of no comment, no comment.
The feeling this was something big, but also the dread as the weeks went by, the high court injunctions were in place, returning to join others, wanting to suffer with them or not wanting to escape the suffering... as huge injunction costs or prison loomed. Wanting to keep it going until COP26 – the climate conference, hoping it might pressurise the government to act on insulation. Police one step ahead of us, at junctions increasingly hard to block, absurdity of police and protestors running around the bushes trying to get to the junctions, gluing onto the road before the junction.
Then the high court summons, the preparing for the high court trial – nine of us – the crazy consensus that we wanted prison, but only a short prison sentance – to highlight the issue, to shame the government, to win public sympathy. But how do you engineer a short prison sentence, say enough to dam you, or avoid acquitting yourself... in the end we got much longer sentences than we hoped, multiple sentences of months not weeks.
Arriving at prison – guards very unpleasant, hating insulate britain, cruel jokes when ask for vegan food, money and processions gone missing. Initially shared cells and wing, so great had each other for support. No books got through except two – one by Sue Hampton, one a bible; for days we had nothing to read, looked out window watched the changing light, the birds. Then when we gave the impression coping too well, the prison dispersed us to different wings. A difficult cell share, overwhelming noise, a hostile wing, unhappy at what insulate britain did, going on hunger strike, fainting, threats not to disrupt social time by fainting... moved to the hospital wing – were felt safe, single cell, feeling fine, reading, praying, although getting weaker and weaker in terms of physical movement and feeling the cold, and aware of the judge sentencing remarks who did we think we were, why were we arbitrators over what's right and wrong, why did we feel we had the right to bring motorways to a stand still, particularly when a court had decided against it... wondering how going to get out of the mess, not wanting to return to wing... drinking fluids, 12 days later stop hunger strike,... due in court, couldn't appeal, but could purge contempt, apologize for breaking high court instructions not to protest on the motorways, and make clear I meant it. Days before Christmas, back on the wing, a successful purge of contempt, and free.
Free to see my parents, my mother in declining health. Having to return to work... Depressed, not wanting to get out of bed, suicidal, angry, very angry. Angry at the activist scheme which overstated what could achieve, angry at myself for not seeing prison through, and betraying the fight, angry at everybody living their normal daily lives emitting carbon carelessly, seemingly indifferent. Unwanting to go to church, it feeling trapped being inside, resenting the stand up, sit down, the hierarchy, the resemblance to courts and authority. In the blackness, kept going to work, because had to, moments of joy, as I saw trees and nature like I'd never seen before, so much beauty, moments of radiance which quickly disappeared.
Struggling with my identity. What do I do, the climate crisis was still important. I'd apologised to the court for breaking the injunction. What now. Going to a Roger Hallam talk introducing Just Stop Oil, and hating the talk, it felt like the same oversell, the idea that the action was going to be groundbreaking, and make huge difference, the laying on heavy the worse consequences of climate change. I'd later join Just Stop Oil because I liked the idea of blocking oil refineries (feeling was not disrupting the public, nor disobeying promise to high court) but avoid the prep motivation talks which just angered me. Great to be acting again, glued to refinery gate, another time, scaling a fence and climbing into a loading bay, chased by security guards and nipped by a guard dog, breathless and at height, it felt like a success despite the police by now very efficient at removing, within hours. Actions ending with a visit to a petrol service station and sitting on a fuel tanker, being removed by police, whilst unhappy about going to a petrol station, was glad to find a fuel tanker.
The starting of the criminal proceedings for insulate britain, magistrates courts, some guilty, some not guilty depending on the judge and their reading of Ziegler; the crown courts pleading and waiting for trials. An initial success, crown court jury found not guilty, and another crown court found guilty, combined with a magistrate court sentencing after high court overturned our acquittal for animal rebellion. During trial, swimming in sea lovely, cliffs and suicidal thoughts. Community sentence, suspended prison sentences. A year working in a charity shop each Sunday, restricting movements.. And somewhere in this a fated just stop oil protest holding a banner at entrance, after others smashed pumps, still awaiting trial. August 2022, trial was to be September 2024, now November 2026. And a scary build up to animal rebellion campaign September 2022, targeting dairies, which felt was important, given emissions from animal farming, and land use, which could otherwise be re-wilded and form carbon sinks. Feeling of dread as approached, as if my luck had run out, others where being put on remand, and not wanting to go back to prison. First day of campaign arrive at dairy early hours, police about, over fence, climbing on tankers, and into the ceiling of the loading bay. There for hours but not days, a cherry picker on site, police remove early afternoon. And dairy carried on moving trucks underneath me, which should have not been permissible. Two days in police cell, wondering what would happen to me, was I to be remanded, finally a court appearance, representing myself, together with a duty solicitor who wasn't used to these cases, and pessimistic, me pleading my case, and being given a curfew tag. A tag that would restrict me to home 9pm-7am for the next year and a half, when just before trial the case was shelved.
A curfew tag, no longer able to protest, again struggling with identity and restrictions, wandering to places from which could suicide.; learning of the suicide of a fellow activist, finally visting where he died, with his grieving friends and mother. Week after week at charity shop, a supportive routine, a supportive staff member, despite some misunderstandings with others. Work another routine keeping in anchored. Still not going to church except for Christmas and Easter taize services. A feeling of separation from church and village. As years passed on tag, I shifted, unable to protest, unable to travel far as public transport slow and needing to return for curfew. Slowly I gave up or desire broke to continue civil disobedience, as fell into hopelessness, the feeling of lack of agency, the feeling of how little had been achieved; the grieving at the suffering of others, one suicide, and the movement seemingly targeting young people and getting young people in prison, who otherwise had a future, and could be completing degrees and gaining education, for life during climate troubles. The inablitity to act, the unable to bear the pain, the turning away from the impacts of climate breakdown, the needing good news, needing positive climate news, the no longer desiring to be arrested, the no longer sure what works, what makes sense, what is right.
High court hearing for many injuctions, paying injuction costs to national highways, nogiatating agreements to follow terms of other injuctions, a oil refinary, tfl etc, to avoid injuction proceedings. The working through all the trials, for all the offences. Pleading guilty to a crown court insulate britain, another suspended sentence this time 8 months, suspended for 12 months. But relief, as wasn't planning to offend.
Work continues, frustration with people continues, daily lives which seem so indifferent to climate crisis, and carbon emissions, cars, SUVs, flying, lights left on etc... A change in government, but will it do enough?
That wondering what now, the climate crisis continues, emissions still rising, ecological destruction continues,... as attend occasional march... what now.
