fantasyisbad

I recently read a worksheet on Self Esteem. The main thing I have realized is I have a lot of negative core beliefs. And a lot of stupid Rules and Assumptions.

Ex: “I can never consistently do something”, “I can never be perfect”, “I am not good enough to be loved”, “I am not the best person I know” , etc. The list goes on and on. I don't want to bore you.

I also realized that knowing more about your flaws doesn't make much of a difference if that is all you know. If I remember the no of times I have journaled about my good qualities, achievements and compare it to the fuckups, relapses, etc. It is a ridiculously bad ratio.

The things that I thought were important knowing your problems, listing them, etc are not very good for me on its own. It should be balanced with the good things about you, what you are good at, etc. So, it is not just about knowing your weakness. You also need to know your strengths.

The workbook also talks about Rules and Assumptions. It is actually quite good. I have so many rules. I used to refer these rules as fixed thinking or black boxes. But rules and assumptions make so much more sense. I can't immediately break all the rules. But knowing that these rules are not based on facts but your own biased opinions helps a lot in dismantling them. Ex: “You can't love others without loving yourself”, “You can only become successful after you control yourself”(Aristotle quote something), etc.

Currently, I have no social life. I have no idea what to do in life. I have bigger issues than PA. Even this rule of “You can't be successful unless you overcome your addiction” is a crutch. It is very conditional and it makes no sense. There are so many successful people(whatever measure) using porn or addicts. So, it is not based on facts. And it is just something that I want. Yes, I do want to be free from porn. But adding this to success only makes life harder for me.

Accepting yourself is very important. Only then you can change. But you don't need to accept only the bad parts of yourself. You need to embrace the good parts more. You can change the bad parts slowly but surely. But you need to be happy about the good parts.

Ultimately focusing only on PA is not going to be helpful for an addict. I need to change my life. It needs real change. Not just browsing about not fapping and condemning porn in internet. I need to change as a person and become someone I would be proud of. I am once again going to stop thinking about things that are depressing and out of anyone's control.

I have relapsed. The streak was just luck to be quite honest. I may have thought differently. But the truth is 10 mins of meditation a day won't change 10+ hours of internet. I truly need a system. I need help. Even getting help is in one of my stupid rules.