I have not actually been very concerned with my use for quite some time now. Yes, I do see it from time to time. But I don't try to remember the numbers. I have not even calculated the total last year. Only months were done.
Because I used my own loophole. I only cared about how many real videos I watched. I just dismissed the other types.
But to recover, I can't do this. I need to face the reality that I still have a big problem.
It is not ideal. I have to force myself to see everything as a porn relapse. I have been unconsciously not doing it.
But I think this is something that should happen. Otherwise I will always be not in track with reality. Just having data alone is not enough, the interpretation and emphasis is also important.
I know this sounds like click bait. But what purpose do I have to create click bait. I am not going to get views, credentials or money.
Porn addiction may seem mild to say alcohol, drugs, etc. So I tend to think it is not that big of a deal. It may also seem like everyone uses porn, so even if you use it more it won't seem that bad. It may depend on where you live too I guess.
But at the same time we should not make porn addiction or recovery our main focus. I am not sure about medical programs, retreats, etc. I am just saying this for somewhat serious addicts not very serious addicts.
Focusing on not doing something is bad, we know from our experiences. Similarly focus should be on the betterment of life. Like habits, goals, etc you want to have, achieve.
I feel okay. I think I really need to go visit a psychiatrist or psychologist. All this non sense that I can do it on my own is not helping me very much. I won't say, I am not improving. But I don't think I am improving much really. It will take very long to make meaningful changes.
Going on the bad path was so easy. You don't even need to do anything.
I think the quote that if you are not improving or becoming better you are becoming worse is true. There is no stagnation. It is just very slow deterioration.
I need others help to go back to the better path/ flow. But I am too fucking stubborn to ask for help. I am writing here.
I have been on hard mode for 12 days. I don't even know the reason how this streak started.
But, I have been feeling lackluster with the results. Usually after I stop, even within days I would feel the change: more confident, happy, energetic. But this time there is no such change. I am not sure what the problem is. Is it because I expect too much just from giving up porn. I am doing the same things I do without any kind of porn or masturbation. So, there is no change to see.
I have started reading success stories tag in r/nofap.
It feels good. I have also gone hard mode for 5 days.
I think when you see people posting 500 days or 300 days.
You start thinking you can do it too.
Mainstream video porn and erotica may be vastly different. But in truth for a porn addict they are very similar. They satisfy a need/craving. So once the dopamine from the activity gets less you start seeking more novel, etc. So eventually it leads to mainstream video porn.