Photos & timeline
#arthur
Had a dream where Arthur wants to know more about me but couldn’t find much info and pics of me on google photo search, so he asked me (in text form) to provide him with more photos of the younger me (in his sentence he wrote the word shit twice but not with a derogatory meaning at all)
(Irl: Idk if I listened correctly but I think one time he said What the fuck) (lol) (idk not sure) (but I'm amused I find it funny)
And in the dream I was planning to compile a timeline of my “history” as if I’m writing a portfolio (which included random stuff I never talked about as they don’t seem relevant to therapy … like mum buying minecraft java (pc) edition for me as a reward for completing my interview for secondary school, and I don’t need to play on my pirated bedrock (phone) edition anymore; and starting a public minecraft server with 20 concurrent players and the user limit of the server is 20 so basically it’s full and I am proud of it and I think it is worthy enough to be put into a hobbyist portfolio lmao)
… so random
Maybe it’s because I signed up for some free website building page and I’m making something similar lmfao
(btw this page is also one of those random free page thingy- but I’m quite confused cuz in their homepage, I believe this is a paid service- but I’m using all the premium features for free
Maybe my user acc is glitched, let’s see how long I can use this website for) (the other reason I signed up is to occupy this “/dream” webpage)
The bad thing about this compared to google docs is that readers cant annotate on any specific sentences (hmm can they comment at all??), nor the ability to search for words? I can add labels/ hashtags though.
It’s less intuitive than google docs, but theres no storage limit (I hope); and it looks cute (I customised the background and all sorts of decorations!! (coughs I stole most of the codes coughs not my original work)
5G network
The day before today, I dreamt that everyone had 5G network on their phones but I was running on 2G bruh
(Oh after I woke up I was fiddling around with my apple watch settings and I finally activated my esim)
(Maybe the dream is due to me searching for the function in the cmhk mobile app in the past few days- and I browsed through every data plan out of curiosity) (this is how I waste time every day – e.g. I had to check out the entire shop catalog before ordering stuff… I was browsing for phone cases in a taobao shop… Im pretty sure they are resellers cuz they had 760+ cases- and I browsed through all of them and I didn’t like any lmao, so my time was wasted)
Btw the only constructive thing I did yesterday was watering my plant.
Today my parents went Shenzhen (it’s a Sunday). Yet I spent hours of my precious “me time”… crying and curling in my bed, kinda useless
I realised I can cry better if I deliberately try to make “sad sounds/ crying sounds”?? Like 嗚嗚… and I will be able to cry
But I don't know why I am crying.
And I don’t know why I want to harm myself
(I realised I want to make marks on myself because that makes me “customised”- like I’m creating “me” instead of completely being someone else’s commodity. And this process is solely based on my decision instead of others.) (Drawings doesn’t work anymore because they are virtual and fake and not the actual me)
(But there should be a lot of ways to “create” myself (although I don’t know what options I have lol), I don’t know why I ended choosing this)
I hid my tools and journals in a zipped up treasure bag this week, so far it’s working but I feel like part of “me” is gone
Kind of shitty cuz I’m scared of bleeding, and from the clinical skills session where I learnt how to draw blood, the veins are actually really superficial so yeah bruh
Technically it’s not self harming cuz I never bled
Gah i feel so bad because a really nice primary school teacher told our class not to do those things during our last day before graduation, and we nodded our heads. I feel like if I self harm I couldn’t keep this “promise” (even though it wasn’t a promise at first place). I feel like I’m letting a lot of people down. I didn’t improve. I don’t even know what I am feeling. Back then in the sexual health booth, I don’t even know how to feel/ respond to the fabricated scenario. All I know is to see how others respond and copy their reactions, but I never had an “original” respond.
I should stop rambling on- this is a dream log
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ɞ
hmm