halted session w vincci; intimate with Arthur 2

#T #arthur my new session would be with Vincci instead, and it would be conducted over zoom. It would be my first time having a session with her. Arthur was a little bit worried if she can handle the session, so he joined the zoom meeting as an observer too. But around the mid part of the session, while Vincci was speaking, she suddenly quitted the zoom. I assumed it might be some internet issues of her. But she didn't rejoin. I was confused and initially I was a bit hopeful, so I was joking with Arthur about the situation. But after 10 mins of her not appearing, Arthur decided to call her but she didn't pick up her phone. Around 20 mins of waiting and almost the end of the session I was kinda upset because I think she didn't want to see me so she disappeared. I also told Arthur about me being a bit unhappy. I also felt a bit empty in the dream. Thinking back it might be because I felt like both Vincci and Arthur didn't want me (Arthur referring me to Vincci and she just ditched the session) and I felt abandoned.

I forgot how the scenes changed, but I was still in my new house bedroom/ old house parent's bedroom (direction of bed and door were similar), when I finished the zoom. Then Arthur came into the room. (I think) (The parts below were blurry) He lied on the bed and I was on top of him. We were naked this time. I was again humping him. (I couldn't really recall the sensations I had after I woke up- but I did moan a lot in dream) I leaned forward and our chests touched. Then I gave him a hickey on the left side of his neck. _{(shit now I googled it, I actually gave him a bite with my right canine... LMFAO)} He also gave one on my left neck (not sure bite or hickey), and as I felt that light sharp pain I was quite aroused and moaned again haha

I continued humping him while (we kissed? I think) Until I was kinda wet and I can also feel his cock erected and was rubbing against my butt as I moved myself. Then we changed position as he stood at my back and teased me by rubbing it without putting it in. Finally he put it in. Honestly it just felt like a foreign body inside and it wasn't really arousing haha- but interesting experience

_{After I woke up, the sensations in the dream are much less vivid to recall than the first dream (except the “hickey/ bite”)– so it was just pleasant watching but not feeling. I'm not sure if I felt a lot while dreaming though.}

prepping high school final exam in y4

#secschool school distributed papers to us for practice I got mine and I ran to school (my old home) in order to scold my f6 eng teacher for giving me an ass SBA mark but I arrived at school just when the recess bell rang (:35) (aka recess ended), so I didn't continue my plan

walk two dogs

#mum Mum led two dogs into my bedroom, telling me to walk them later. I was putting on the collar and leash for them but I forgot which collar is for which dog, and I took some time to attach them when eventually I realised I swapped them. Mum came in and helped me reattached the collars and leashes swiftly- but she reattached the ones I was meaning to remove. So I told her no, this is wrong and we need to change it. She replied they are similar, then you swap by yourself, and she left the room. I figured it out by a while and was halfway done, but seemed she waited a while already and she was a bit impatient so she came back into the room and helped me with it. I felt happy. Then we were about to go out and walk the dogs.

_{(...... now I am feeling mixed)}

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grinding with Arthur wowiowoiwoiwwo

#arthur

I think we were riding a bus home, and my friend was next to me too, but I forgot who she was. Later we were back at my home, at the living room. Somehow at first I went to Arthur's seat naturally and a little bit playfully and sat on the front part of his lap. _{(This act of walking towards him felt similar to how I feel when I enter his therapy room. It's hard to describe- like exploring a new place with anticipation of how we are gonna interact?)} I sat while I was chatting with my friend. I think Arthur feels a bit of tension but didn't show it, and then I also felt this “suggestive tension” going on. He didn't push me away or hold me closer, so I remained in the same position. He took his right arm out and I held onto his, and I took his hand and locked into his fingers. It felt really nice.

After chatting with the friend for a bit I decided to make things more interesting and see his reaction, so I readjusted my posture very briefly, and sat very into his lap in a split second and he yelped loudly (and jumped a little bit from his seat). His dick, although covered by his trousers, became harder and bigger than before while I was sitting on top of it. I also immediately felt aroused by it.

I think I was rubbing it for a while and he grabbed both of my arms or whatever. Then I held his arms, asking him to use them to surround and wrap my body more. _{(Essentially a bit like hugging, but in the dream I was thinking like a pair of wings surrounding/ protecting me.)} He twitched/moved/thumped a few times and I was very aroused. But I was hoping to change positions so I could face him and lean onto his chest with mine. But I didn't say so because what he was doing was rather comfortable and I wanted to continue feeling this way.

Later he led me to my bedroom. He was grinding me at the back, and I leaned forward a little bit. He grabbed me by my waist and thumped like two times, to which I was very sensitive to. I think I was moaning the whole time, and my conscious self wondered if I did irl, so I tried to moan a little bit and heard that one moan in reality. So it meant the rest of the moans just happened within the dream. I continued rubbing Arthur, hoping for more thumps but he didn't do so. But I felt nice nevertheless.

_{actually there are multiple dreams (different stories) but now I only recalled this juicy one hahahahahahawaawawawa I suspect I dreamt this one because I had english class with Mancy yesterday and we spent the time doing an online BDSM test. (We started the topic on it after telling her multiple people- including her already commented if I am ドM after sharing my bad trip story with the terrible classmate)... and my result is 100% switch 91% brat and 87% submissive- After reading an article I felt called out at the brat part- and I think Arthur can be a good Brat Tamer Though I think I prefer switch if possible- but in impossible situations im very much brat hahhhshasfhfjhfsdkjfhhahahaahaaaaaaa}

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found Arthur’s wife’s 小紅書

#arthur #mum

(Before this happened I was shopping with my mum in the dream and we went to a little cutesy cafe and we can take film instant pics and mum took 3 and printed one; mum wanted to join my camera and i rejected and took also 3 pics alone and about to print one- but actually mum’s pics were all better than mine but I am a bit too tired to take again so I’m just editing one to be printed and somehow the below happened)

I found the acc when there was a hovering screen scrolling different Rednote posts itself on the side of the camera machine? and then I see Arthur’s face on the screen at the corner of my eye and im like holy shi wait whoa and i pressed inside and bam it’s his wife’s account

Wow god knows how excited i was so I kept browsing her posts which consisted of a lot of pics of her working env at bedside (elderly home or hospital??) and also a comsiderable amount of family pics and videos with Arthur inside. Arthur looked very cute and happy haha Their bedroom curtains were of the same pattern to the ones in my parents’ bedroom in the old flat which was quite interesting to me There was also a video post of him lying on bed and his wife sat on top of him but somehow in the dream I didn’t press inside to watch although I was a bit interested

And after obtaining such precious information idk how to deal with it because I don’t want to send to others so I just kept looking at the pics and trying to memorise all the relevant pics

But at the same time I was thinking to myself what would I feel about our therapeutic relationship after learning too much about him which I think I am not supposed to, maybe I couldn’t continue therapy, but I decided to keep scrolling lol.

It was only after I woke up when I realised it was just a dream

_{Btw I had a few other interesting (by which I mean they have a complete plot) dreams from a few days ago but I am too lazy to write them down they’re too long?? One was about starting new school year and finding new classroom with old secondary and primary school classmates and I was quite anxious about choosing seats but I was so relieved after finding people put their bags next to my seat which means they don’t hate me and they’re willing to sit next to me wuwuwuwu also the floor where my classroom was also has #jau ’s office but I decided to ignore it because it has already passed)}

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hacked phone & ipad in max volume at Arthur’s workshop

#arthur #mum #dad

_{Bruh!! Today (yesterday) was one of the rare days of not feeling suicidal for the whole day and it ended with a nightmare!}

I was with my mum and dad, returning from our travels. I decided to catch and attend Arthur’s talk- I forgot what informative talk was it about- but brought my parents as well since it was the most natural to do so in that setting (it felt strange if you’re rushing to a talk but your parents are not included)

The info workshop was held in a shopping mall, next to a big setup for another talk. I sat separated from my parents. I chose a seat next to the big setup and much closer to Arthur, while I let my parents sit at the outlying areas where there are more vacant double seats, but with some sunlight shining down as their side was in a half open area and no ceilings above.

I was just seated and shortly after, an auntie with two young male kids (around 8-10 years old) came, the auntie sat next to me and the kids opposite to her, I used the opposite seat of mine to put my bags so it was empty. Then Arthur arrived. I saw his steps and smiled _{(I didn’t look at him directly so I actually didn’t see his face or the upper body, just like that time after EY gala day)}. He went to the back to test the setup and probably microphones.

He turned on some nice music that was easy to sing along. After maybe like 3 songs suddenly my phone began to blast loud music and I couldn’t turn it down. I tried putting the phone between my thighs and shoved a cushion under my seat but it was of no use and still very loud. During the split second while I was putting the cushion I related it to my habit of muffling the sound of my vibrator. I didn’t feel much other than thinking it was a bit odd to do it in public, but now thinking back I felt a bit embarrassed. I kept this posture while I quickly check my phone, there was a pop-up notification saying something like login/ registration failed and about 5 accounts or what (I forgot). So I immediately went to check my apple id as I suspected I accidentally authorised something and let foreign ids to use my phone. At this time, Arthur’s music was already paused so I was even more stressed as I felt everyone was waiting for me to fix my music. But the auntie and the kids appeared very normal, the auntie was minding her own business while the kids were playing around as usual, and they had not batted an eye at me even once- as if they had never noticed the music. Back to the phone, I found quite some accounts linked to my phone. Because of time and difficulty in manuvering the phone (dim screen and buttons kept flickering), I only managed to delete two of them which were the most conspicuous on screen and sounded the most suspicious. But the phone kept ringing and getting more and more hot. So I tried to force turn off the phone but it took me many tries. While I was turning off the phone, my iPad started to blast loud music too! Luckily the music on the phone ceased so the two songs were not overlapping so it was not as disastrous and chaotic, but still very bad! I tried to turn off the iPad using the same method but somehow it was even harder to swipe the power off toggle despite having a bigger screen, as if the touch function was not responding intermittently so I can’t “swipe”. The iPad also began to turn warm. Anyways at this point I was super stressed and my heart was pounding and began to notice the songs around me aka from my irl headphones and woke.

_{(Btw the HRV and real-life stress function in stresswatch can really visualise my irl bodily sensation to the nightmare lmao… peak heart rate of 96bpm while asleep just before being fed up and waking up)}

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#arthur #mum #uni _{Not much dreams, or maybe I didn't actively recall them so a lot was lost}

抬頭又是湛藍天。

feb 20

Session w arthur after a long long time

And I spent the time scolding him for his incorrect thinking/ opinions and ideals that he had for a long time that I didn’t mention my disagreement before.

feb 22

Mystery man.

PBL mass session. Assigned to a group sitting in a rectangle. Pleasantly surprised the tutor is someone I know. He invited me to sit next to him. Turned out he manually put me into his group, haha. Later a uni friend of mine also came to our group and sit slightly diagonally opposite to me. I was happy, I guess he deliberately assigned him to our group too. I leaned next to him (tutor), I told him if he’s guiding the group then I would start to enjoy and love PBL lol.

I woke up peacefully after quality time in the dream. Who’s this guy? It felt astoundingly familiar. And the leaning as well. I’m not sure if I looked at his face in the dream, I probably did at the start, but not once I sat down. And which uni friend? I forgot as soon as I woke up. Feels nostalgic and warm, but a little bit empty because I don’t know/ forgot who they were but they’re definitely irl people. :(

25 Feb

random

Throwing up in dream Saw i have a pair of 麵包鞋 trainers with thick shoelaces

26 Feb

nostalgic touch

Meeting arthur for an informal session Sitting next to him at a food court Leaned my head to his arm as we talk He was wearing short sleeved shirt So I was also touching the sleeves as I was leaning and talking I also recognised the faint scent of him Comfy and cozy A bit nostalgic

A lot of different things in the long dream I think at some point I wanted to masturbate in this little room i got in the dream- and somehow this city I live in was infamous for messed up hostel rooms by too much sex by guests While I was setting up the pillows they were airing 春晚 on the tv as well- and a rather famous hk singer sang the lyrics wrong and switched back to the original lyrics in the middle which was quite obvious. While I was almost done with setting up I noticed the “door” is just a fabric curtain and there is a big angle where I can have eye contact with a random girl outside the door- so I didn’t masturbate

Towards the last scene I was drawing. I was drawing a train ticket. And then I planned to trace the shape of an (/my?) actual ticket onto the drawing to cut it out Dad offered a high quality expensive paper for me to draw but I need to cut it into a strip shape rather than a rectangular ticket I rejected the idea and after a few times and he let me be Later mum came and kept looking at me while I was doing my artwork I felt extremely annoyed as I told her to not look but she kept reappearing- I told her I felt like I am a fish in the aquarium kept being observed and supervised She said you are I told her isn’t there any other things you should be busy on, go work on your stuff But she doesn’t have other stuff to work on I was angry ans I was about to tell her then tidy our messy home- but at this point I became aware that I was dreaming, so I lost a big chunk of anger and I don’t see the point of telling her to tidy stuff in the dream. And I woke. _{I spent the whole day lying on my bed. It’s 2347 and I still haven’t moved.}

27 feb

scratches

I still see scars on my wrist/ forearm- 2 deep ones with the shape of human nail marks other than the light scratches with a blade i guess

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traumatic physical fight with mum, finding arthur, trip with pal

#mum #arthur #onlinefrd

I was fighting with mum over something. _{I forgot if the item was supposed to be hers or mine} Anyways I wanted to get it back But she kept trying to snatch it out of my hand When her hand was not enough she used some tools to attack my hand. I forgot how exactly already, but it was so painful and gruesome and longlasting. There are many scrape marks and scratches on my hands arms and probably legs as well. Some are kind of bleeding and there are red marks all over my fingers and hands. She was like an animal and I couldn’t communicate with her as she just focused on what she wanted. Her ears weren’t open (metaphorically). Legit in the dream I was like holy moly such traumatic dream it hurts at a level similar to the court dream where I was suing the prof who SAed me but this one was fortunately a bit less painful

Fuck

So sad and then later on I dreamt I went to a building where wellness team resided- first floor was a tiny reception + another shop/ laundry store in which my grandma (mum’s side) was the owner and she was sitting there. The actual wellness team office is two floors up, (first floor is just staircases and an empty floor)

I was standing at the entrance of the building for quite some time, because I was thinking my sessions supposed to have ended already and if I go there again I seem to be over relying on them And I’m like moving abroad very very soon but if I go there again it seemed like I was too weak to handle my emotions on my own- how am I able to take care of it when I really went abroad?

I was pretending to look at the flyers stuck on the glass panes outside, and I also took a couple of walks around the whole building n the surrounding shops And I eventually came back to the entrance again I was staring at it for some time until I decided if I don’t go now I can’t go in the future anyways so why not I pushed the door and went inside. I just stood at the g/f reception area as I planned I’ll just stand here for a bit and not go up The area (shared by counselling and laundry) was tiny. Imagine a lift. I just stood there until the laundry lady told me, therapy was upstairs. As I was a bit shy and unwilling to explain to her I just wanted to stand here- or maybe I was kind of want to go up- so I went in

I’ll complete typing this dream later

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farewell/ arthur driving me home *2

#arthur

After therapy he drove me back to main campus where I can ride the metro/ more convenient. The first time I sat in the backseat.

The second time aka final therapy session I decided to swap to the front passenger seat because I wanted to be closer and see his face for one last time. I sat and told him now the scene from the previous dream where he drove me to his flat was reenacted and I felt amused. I took photos of the view outside from the side window, and ones from the front pane and selfies of me and Arthur driving. Though Arthur turned his head away every time I held the camera/ when he’s in the frame. I pointed it out and we were both amused. I think he was smiling. But I can only see the side/ back of his face.

I kept telling him to drive slower and drive to a few more streets before reaching my destination. I wanted to stall time as I didn’t want to leave. He said eventually I would have to leave though.

After a while, he steadily and slowly pulled over to the usual parking place in front of a temple (/ entrance of my uni??) where it was kinda crowded and lively. He picked a slightly more inwards (around 20m) parking spot for me to alight. I didn’t want to, but I knew I needed to. It’s time, he gently reminded me.

I was still sitting in his car when the dream ended.

---

_{oh geez im going to miss him}

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My recent dreams are a bit difficult to be recalled in full. They’re like pieces of shards

bicycle and school

#secschool #arthur

I got a small and handy bicycle. It had a white body and small thick black tyres. Pretty cool. It was easy to lift as well. Maybe I often used it for commute to and from school.

I think at some point in the dream in the school, I said my farewell with Arthur. But later on the street outside school, I saw Arthur queuing up to order food from a food stall. He was the second in line. There were many people queuing behind him too, including my secondary school friends. I was delighted to see him.

I turned around to do something real quick, hoping he would still be here when I was done with my things. But he left. I ran along the road and saw his back. But I couldn’t keep up with him and lost him.

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private session with Arthur

#Arthur #ruth

the setting: I was living in this city in a hotel with my parents (somehow I wasn't living in our home or my dorm). I had a hinge that today's scheduled session was in the morning around 10/ 12ish. So I was awake from around 8 or 9 in the morning as I was scared of missing it. My calendar recorded it as 14:00 though.

I went to sassoon road to revise and work. It was around 12:40ish when I suddenly had the urge to double check the meeting time. The meeting time was 11am. The 140 was something else. I mistook it and recorded 1400 as the time. I checked my phone and saw Arthur actually whatsapped me if I was coming around that time. I immediately replied, oh no I am so sorry etc etc

And his replies are like ohnoo no worries (something looking casual), and his message style is just like me, with kaomojis and emojis and cuter eng words. I was a bit surprised but happy. I was wondering if he was trying to mimick me and attempting to get closer to me/ into my world. And I welcomed it. I felt quite warm.

I told him I was free rn but i have class at 330/420? until 1830 and hes like he cannot do the session then cuz I have class, but said we can do it after 1800 till 2230. I'm like ooh He proposed casually we can grab something to eat together after 6, and then he'll drive me to his “old small office apartment” to have the session. Had to keep it lowkey or else he would definitely be reprimanded and scolded by Ruth. I replied (a bit excitedly), oh we're going to your home?? :O just before I type that, he unsent that message and gave me a smiley face He corrected me (playfully but slightly seriously), it is an “office apartment”. I'm like ooh okey (I could already foresee myself sitting in his car, driving after dark to his home, chilling after eating cup noodles, or takeaway street food together by the dimly lit desk, in a slightly cramped apartment, probably watching anime together too... And who knows what would happen afterwards. If he was not “making it happen” I would try my best to “make it happen” * wink *)

And then I went back to my hotel, and secretly reserved additional a solo room (without my parents). And I started playing with my doll – a Furret _{(I bought it a week ago)} – in that room. It was pleasurable. But I had to be conscious on not getting period blood smudged on my doll. (period was like day 4 ish, not tooo much but still quite risky smudging) And I was quite tensed because I was worried my parents would barge open the door any time, when supposedly that shouldn't happen as this was an individual booking of the hotel room.

I was relaxing with Furret while whatsapping Arthur at the mean time, chatting about random stuff, like buying what type of messenger bags, what we were up to.

— I woke up briefly. But I wanted the dream to proceed to actually meeting Arthur, so I went back to sleep. But the storyline didn't proceed any further.

---

I think it was because I forgot to attend the last day of an experiment, and that experimenter whatsapped me if I was coming. I missed it and replied in the afternoon, but she wasn't available in the afternoon, so I kinda ruined the experiment as the training had to be done in consecutive days. And I kinda like that experimenter, tomboyish. A bit like Ruth. and I think I ruined her impression on me. (cuz I was late for another day as well)

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bpd diagnosis discussion among wellness team

#arthur #ruth #t

I was listening to a talk about exchanging to overseas universities in the common area in my dorm with a dream guy friend (not irl)

(there was a university called ... tomato university in canada... and the girl who was tryna promote the uni was wearing a tomato mascot outfit... oml)

Anyway, the guy friend left right before the talk ends, and I helped him collect his handouts and worksheets and I looked back and saw Arthur sitting kinda diagonally behind me, using his phone. I looked at the screen and saw my emails (not irl) with him. (using outlook) The content of the emails were all conversations I had during the session. I asked him what that was, and he swapped to whatsapp and showed me a whatsapp group where he sent all our conversations out. He explained he kept the emails and forwarded them to a group with the rest of the wellness team, and this group is specifically to monitor? my behaviour through discussing about my words with him. (sentences with the vibe like I'm never gonna leave you/ just you/ previous “arguments”/ sentences about I like him a lot) I was checking the whatsapp group members but I couldn't recognise the people, as they are using their default names (not phone numbers nor contact numbers) which were all nicknames. But apparently that's the team. The group chat was kinda quiet though. Just him sending out the convos and occasionally someone would reply briefly. I suspect they were discussing in person.

Arthur admitted slowly but frankly that he thought I was a bit borderline, to which I said it's ok cuz I felt I was kinda this too. And I felt a bit recognised because I haven't had a definite answer from him before. But internally I was also slightly upset because they think I have such a condition.

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