discover nice study area but paid

I discovered a very nice hidden study area. As big as chiwah. But quieter. It was like the lobby part of Central Library but with a more “office” feel. _{(Used to dream similar settings back in primary school years)} I walked inside and found many secondary schoolmates. I talked quietly to one of them, wow this place was so good, there are vacant seats with big tables, and most importantly, power outlets !!

I stolled until I found a best spot and I left my things there while I explore that area more.

Then on another floor I saw security guards trying to make people leave, turned out we needed to pay an annual fee of around $4000 to use this study room and we needed to show a red membership card to them. Holy shit so I walked back quickly to collect my stuff and leave. When I got back to my floor almost all of us have gone except a few tables with our stationery still on the desks. A few guards were chatting in front of my desk, seemingly waiting for my return. I quickly packed my stuff and leave. They didn't ask me anything, perhaps they knew we all didn't have membership.

Later I went to Central Library. I met Jasmine W when I was leaving. I told her I'll take the bus (bc it was the most convenient option to get to my home). She didn't say anything. So we walked down the alley although it was past the bus stop right in front of the library entrance. There were many boutiques along the alley, and it was quite a long narrow street. She didn't speak so later I told her we would part ways when we reached the end of the alley.

(random piece I forgot where I should put it, but I suspect it to be within this dream) Donki with #charlottec , too late to return there for our kept bags, asked a shopkeeper and she replied she thought perhaps the two staff at the sushi bar were still looking after it and about to store them when she told them we would come back Anyways we got there and got back our bags using our storage receipt

wardmates doing matrix and calculus

#pbl #uni #secschool

Had chinese lesson by FPY in a small classroom/ the cramped chem classroom in Lawz?? Quite nostalgic to be taught by FPY again ngl. We had to do a reading comprehension and fill-in-the-blanks timed using her stopwatch timer. 11 mins/ 21 mins I forgot. We do different paragraphs according to our columns we sit in.

Then she asked Benson sitting also in the front to answer the questions. But she said Brixton / Brixson so Benson didn't stand up. Then Benson said his name was Benson. She said oh I'm sorry, and then the next sentence was still Brixson so Benson didn't care anymore. He stood up and answered the questions. He was wearing traditional Chinese Tangzhuang with big button thingy and I was lowkey shocked by the ugly costume.

One of the girls sitting in front of Benson's row/ my row should be sneakily listening to music on her airpods because the classroom was quite quiet and I can hear the music and it was not from FPY, so I suspected the girl. FPY didn't care about the music though

The comprehension was a conversation between a girl and her father. The father was trying to empower the girl and said sth like “being weak or strong, either of them makes you powerful”.

I looked at my neighbour for her workings while FPY was talking about the answer, and I saw her drawing almost an identical graph to mine. I was quite proud because I taught my neighbour and she was able to draw equally nicely/ or even better than me. Lastly, FPY taught us to plot graph- called a “hotel graph” to show the needs of both the girl and the father. _{(It's kinda like the cost price straight line graph in core maths, but two curved lines)}

Then it was math lesson by Vim (the teacher for CAES)– in the superkids classroom. We continued learning about the Hotel graph. Towards the end of the lesson, Vim invited Kim 1 and Yuki to come back to the classroom as Monica was summarising the content we learnt with a summary sheet distributed to all of us just now.

Kim started to draw on the blackboard and answering the questions, and handed the pen to Yuki, in a bob hair. Then Yuki made a new looking “Hotel graph”, and one more from the result of the Hotel graph (she circled the “needs” area), which is a summation of two sine curves... and then she wrote a general formula for a parabola (but the x² was put at the last one rather than the first thing) (like x + a – 2x²) – and then she wrote some terms and steps, and then a [ 2 rows matrix thingy ], and then another step in breaking down the [ matrix thingy ] to two [ thingy ] and I was like :O bro learnt more than us who were here for the whole lesson. I didn't even learn calculus.

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excluded in class

#secschool my f1 classmistress asked me about if she should use the starnote app for notetaking. Angelika popped in with her simple notes (post-it) and said this was written using starnote. In return she took my notebook and started drawing some calligraphy art on it. Friends^[1] (Elizabeth) were whispering to me it wasn't what you need because she was just writing US holidays like diwali. I said yeah I don't need it but it's fine I explained how starnote was unideal for her because of its lack of stability and risk of losing her notes. She thanked me. I sat relatively in front (6th column 2nd row) and I thought this was to monitor my behaviour since I was not too compliant in class seat neighbour preferred to sit with the person in front of me, and so they moved their desks and chairs and I am left alone in the double profile of seats, looked obvious and I feel quite alone there is a in class tiny competition and we were split into two groups. One half was the left side of the classroom where there were a lot of people seated so their group was large, the other side was mine with little people and already two that disliked me. I looked at the other side and found most of the “friends”^[1] I knew were there, cheering together. I was very upset with myself and I felt excluded.

^[1] These classmates were all in F2 especially the large squad (over half the class) which I had been trying very hard to enter but I couldn't. I suspect one of the reason was because I was already part of a small squad I disliked (# 6grass + when # A was still in there, and I wanted to escape from A so I tried leaving my group but that group didn't adopt me so). Or the other bigger reason was they didn't really like me. Idk :(

_{Starnote: bc I watched a redbook reel about it; US holidays and diwali: I saw it on my ipad calendar and deleted it; theme of what I really want for myself: briefly touched on therapy yesterday; f2 friends: when arthur mentioned the topic of being excluded in school I was thinking if I had any, but that time I didn't really feel much. I think I wasn't passively being excluded in f2 bc the choice of switching squads was mine. I don't think I really got excluded before. But every best friend I had had closer friends so no one ended up playing with me or doing projects with me, or having lunch with me (initially). But that's not exactly exclusion}

bj & sex w arthur

#arthur There were two rooms. There was one client and one therapist in each room. Though I think both rooms were managed by Arthur. After waiting briefly a client came out in one room and I entered.

The room initially had a hotel room layout. It was dim inside with a twin bed(?). Arthur was naked and lying on the bed.

So I decided to grab this opportunity. I hopped on bed and wanted to do a blowjob for him. (I think here his dick wasn't erected yet) But my hands were very cold and I apologised to him. He's okay with it so I tried rubbing my hands to make it warmer but it was still very cold when comparing to his erected dick. It was my first time doing a blow job and I realised how dry everything was- my mouth my hands his dick. I didn't think of using saliva or lube back then- anyways I tried and I guess he kind of liked it??

Then I sat on top of him and his dick went into me kinda smoothly. Maybe because I was quite wet. The room changed from the hotel room to the floor of our new therapy room though. However idk if it's my pussy too tight or too shallow or maybe I wasn't aroused enough so only the front part went in and I was a bit annoyed. I tried thumping more and going deeper but can't

_{Anyways I think this was the first time we were both fully naked in the dream, interesting. I think this was very linked to bc I fell asleep naked after masturbating this night lmfao}

escape game

#uni #exchange #mum #dad – initially a tutorial stage where me and another person were learning from a coach by rewriting her “codes” on our pieces of paper which would be the password to pass the puzzle with many ghosts and very poor visibility due to darkness and smog. The coach was the 2nd doctor we attached to in HHH and the codes were some Px (that was discussed in ytd's MH case session)

• then began the game with me and a few others. (actually this was the second time, I doubt if the first time was before the tutorial stage and we all died so that's why we started again)

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random excerpt – ian – random girl invited me to waterpard (waterpark with a welsh accent I assume ??) to party, do arts and crafts, and do drugs together, i asked amy on the side how about it (bc I was a little bit tempted)

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back to the main plot

• i had the special ability like 2 turbo boosts every like 10 seconds
• continue escape, through the back door of an outdoor carpark into the streets into AEON. Walked and saw parents shopping for groceries. I tried to walk past silently. Later I went to a noodles aisle. I wanted to try a tester with my chopsticks but a kid dipped my chopsticks into the noodle soup and I was incredibly pissed now my chopsticks were contaminated by the tester soup Then the mom of the kid came and chatted with me about this good noodle she cooked I was like yeah, (bc this mum doesn't seem like the type to apologise to the kid) And she was like eventually the noodle was a bit sweet because she added a bit too much of the sugar, and I was like ohh okay it tasted alright (actually I thought the noodle was too salty/ poor soy sauce that kind of flat salty), and I couldn't really feel the sweet after retasting although she mentioned. Then my parents arrived at the corner, I asked them why did they find me. Dad said I heard your voice and so we were searching for it and here we were! I was actually very annoyed but conflicted because part of me wanted them to take me away from the escape game and save me and give me some rest, but the other side I didn't want them to get involved in the game so I don't want them to intervene in any way

_{doing drugs: my friends were talking about this topic yesterday soup dipping incident: friend was talking about her friend dipping an uncleaned spoon directly into her soup. I was shocked bc that was trespassing my food boundary if that was my soup. Should've handed her the spoon instead of just directly dipping without asking. noodle maker mum with little kid: a mum was scolding her kid very loudly at the entrance of my building and I guessed I remembered it in the dream}

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escape from catch

I was finally kinda free from the escape from idk perhaps a military group. And I was sitting by a field me and other fellow escapees have been managing and planting. The field was a popcorn field. We were sitting under the shadows under the trees, enjoying the view, and plucking some giant popcorns to eat. They were sweet. The escapee to the right of me had the special talent of sensitive hearing and he was our sentinel. He was of short stature, and was wearing a helmet and a pair of construction earphones (to muffle the sounds?). He still looked very paranoid and panicked and pointed every time a distant plane flew in the blue sky. He told us to be silent every time that happened. I didn't really understand why he was being so scared but it made me a bit scared too nevertheless.

The first few planes were just civilian aircrafts, and he was super scared but they all flew past with nothing happening. I told him to be less tensed. He then looked away for a bit when I noticed a weird shaped plane. It was literally a giant turbine/ engine flying with an odd trail on the sky. I pointed at the turbine plane and asked the short guy what was that. The turbine took a turn and seemingly heading to our popcorn field. I urged the short guy to look up and he saw but it was almost too late, as the turbine thingy was pretty fast and was about to land on our field.

I yelled to everyone to run for their lives as I knew this was certainly headed for us. Instantly, our crowd ran out from under the trees and into the buildings nearby.

Me and the short guy were the closest to the turbine and furthest from the buildings, but we also tried to run towards it. I had a hinge that the security guard who was undercover for the military would be waiting there to catch all of us. But I ignored my sixth sense, thinking it didn't work every time, so I continued running along with others.

As soon as I took a turn into the aisles of the buildings, I looked to the left and saw the guard just standing there looking at all the crowd entering the stairs of the buildings. The building was a trap! But it was too late to tell them while me and a few others watched them walking up.

Me and the few went back to the trees area and took another turn into other aisles of the buildings. I decided to run to the left but the others said they would choose the right. We didn't compromise with each other and we ran our own ways.

_{After waking up I thought I was like Aki from CSM with the ability of seeing a few seconds into the future. But this time I didn't listen to it.}

Ocean Park Halloween

#pblmate #secschool

I was wandering on the streets in Tsim Sha Tsui at night, waiting for the time when we gathered for the halloween event in Ocean Park. I walked a little bit and arrived at the street beneath my old home. I met with Brian by the gate of my estate and we entered together, as it was now the entrance of the Ocean Park event. It was a bit dark while we followed the route into the indoor area with a narrower corridor and carpet underneath. Then we arrived at two mini elevators. Turned out they were single person elevators. It was pretty narrow and can only fit one person inside. Brian entered first and went down. The elevator was actually super fast, as if you are free-falling straight down. I looked down to the hollow space as his lift went down, and it seemed bottomless. I was scared to take my own elevator.

At this moment, a group of people walked by to a new path on my right. One of them was Nicole Chan. I raised my voice and said hi to her. She looked back and called me, and invited me to go with them together cheerfully. Turned out there was a group elevator and we were going together. I thought it would be better to do it together, and she was encouraging me with such passion, so I went along.

We entered and it was a free fall down. I was nervous but everyone else was thrilled. I wondered perhaps this was the feeling of jumping off a building.

Then, they started chanting together, landing in 10... 9.. (counting down), and Nicole was teaching me how to brace for impact. I didn't hear clearly if I should lock my ankles or not, and what posture I should take for my lower body. After the countdown, they realised it was not the bottom of the pit yet. So they chanted again, and I got braver and opened my eyes wider to look around me and even below me to guess the time for impact. So with my vision, I panicked less and embraced the impact. The hit was a bit painful but in my expectation. Though the people on top hitting us made my arm a bit sore, but we got out of the elevator unscathed, and we entered the grand underground lobby of Ocean Park.

I walked around to search for familiar faces and Brian who went down before me. I saw a lot of high school classmates and eventually I saw him along with a few others from my ward group (I think there was Heather).

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unhinged driving

#relative #mum It was at night when the sky was fully dark but there were still quite many cars on the road, flashing their red taillights as we were stuck in traffic. I was supposed to drive but I was a bit scared bc the road is in Shanghai and I was unfamiliar with it so aunt Helen wanted to demonstrate and mum let her. But Helen drove like crap and we almost fell off the highway bridge multiple times because she wasn't driving straight. (Wait actually we did fall off, but landed on the supporting arc of the bridge ?? So basically a narrower road and me and mum were yelling anxiously to Helen to drive straight for real or else we would actually fall into the sea) Everything was bumpy too. The next round mum wanted to “serve” her justice? So it became her turn to drive and I needed to wait again. But she drove very fast, although we didn't fall off the bridge. Quite unsafe and I was scared. She was using the size of our big car to dive into other's lines without being scared at all so her success rate was 100%. I figured out how come she was so dominant and it would always work for her.

Then it finally became my turn to drive. I drove slower and wanted to turn on the lights so I was figuring out because mainland car driver's seat was in the left side rather than right side. And mum just switched it on instantly. And I also used the signal lights to cut lines etc. I was driving safely but the road after the highway was actually bumpy as fuck and I was driving with horses that are on the road so the road was very rural. So I was driving super slowly. But eventually I finished my round.

_{(Perhaps driving almost outside the bridge was literally because of the recent news about how a plane landed at the airport but drove off into the sea, and the simulated graphics on the news were still kinda vivid in my mind)}

pbl driving

#uni I was waiting in the hospital along with my bedside group for the start of attachment. We were quite bored and Monika asked me where I bought my pokemon plushies. I listed three places for her: the first one was a small dark shopping mall we went together and saw the coin slot game machines _{(in a previous dream today)(but I didn't write here because it became a fragment)}; the other place would be also that shopping mall but the very other end of it on the ground floor where all the delicate boutiques were but they would be more pricey _{(visited this in an old dream i think perhaps I have recorded it in this site) (this shopping mall overall was in one of my another old dream too about a zombie apocalypse but I'm not sure if I recorded it either)}; the last site would be a small upstairs store i think

And then Benson suggested let's play a racing game with horses, so we took turns going out of the hospital and rode the horses, and the route was almost identical to the unhinged driving dream, but I recalled the highway part less and more riding on the horsey rough road. I was the last to go and initially I had a game tee by the horse game that was hanging on the hospital walls opp to where we were sitting and standing, but when it became my turn I gave my tee to Benson.

My horse was ridiculously tiny compared to others + my groupmates, so it was difficult for me to climb the slope on the rough hilly road. But mum appeared on another horse and told me I can press B and make the horse jump. I figured I can press space for the same function too. Anyways I got past it and returned to the hospital after my round, which I didn't feel complete because I felt my round was cut to half but I wasn't sure where I could ride a complete path. I went back and they (esp Benson) were like oh the doctor hasn't come yet, how about you play more bc my round seemed pretty short compared to them, so I said sure I was thinking about the same thing. And then I did one more of that half round and came back.

Benson returned my game tee but he modified the patterns a bit, the game characters had slightly different facial features and it was hilarious. I took that tee.

nap with pokemon in small room

_{Wasn't sure the sequence of the dreams (idk if it happened before the first dream or here), so I put it here}

I was back inside my room aka the third place where I told Monika where my pokemon were from (lol), and it was a very damp, small and dark room. I miss my Feraligatr from a cardboard box by my bed so I took it out and put it beside me. _{(tbh I think I dreamt it bc I just saw the ZA new megas and this toilet bowl pokemon blew my mind)} I checked what other pokemons were in the two cardboard boxes by my bed, they were the ones I just bought but not enough love to put them onto the bed, and they were all lizards and dragons, so I wondered oh wow I had a preference to these kind of animals. I hugged my pokemons (including Feraligatr and Riolu and others- prob Salamence) to sleep.

almost losing PE bag omw to school

#secschool #primschool (The school feels like secondary school bc of the workload and plot, but my body, mentality and my friend’s were like primary students…)

omw to school and almost late, I was holding my PE bag on my hand which had my sports clothes and shoes, while carrying my schoolbag on my back, typical to every PE class I had every week in primary/ secondary school. Then on the way I met a (dream) friend and we chatted about the school timetable because it was too chaotic recently with many school event and day offs so we didn't exactly know which day of the cycle was today. We both felt a bit relieved when we found out we were just randomly packing our schoolbags for today lmao.

Then I realised my PE bag was missing from my hand. I was worried and started to think where had I put it, but I had no time to double check my schoolbag if I put it inside because I was running late. My friend seemed concerned and we were looking on the previous roads while we were heading to school. But we couldn't see it.

So I went to school, and was telling my parents on whatsapp on the phone about the seemingly lost bag. Then I opened my backpack and found out I had already packed the PE bag inside previously somehow, and it was found again.

first cedars counselling

• this is fake dream cedars

In the dream uni the school thought I had some mental needs so they told me to go to the counselling team and it was a mandatory order. So I climbed up the stairs to a higher floor where their office should be, but it directed it down to the lower floor where the entrance was. There was a few questionable signs in front of the entrance. The signs were just floor directories for their office, but then the words were like xx /F: triaging, intake and baptism ; xx /F: counselling rooms and prayer rooms etc. and the bottom was a line from those teachings aka a “Bible-like verse??”, so they made it super religious and I didn't like it. So I was selfie-ing with the signs and posted on my public ig story with a qna button, and the auto prompt kind of suited my scenario, so although I was a bit hesitant in posting that, I still did it. The prompt was: What should you say to a person who was suicidal?

Anyways I went inside and saw a white square sofa with a thick airy white blanket so I lied inside and napped, but I saw people queuing up for something, so later I joined the queue and it was the triaging place.

A staff directed me to another spacious room where we wait after triaging (their triage was basically recording your name and DoB and idk perhaps faculty/ degree program). The staff was confirming names with others at the table and one of the boy had an identical chinese name to me, and the staff introduced me to the boy and told us we could chat together. At the table Brian was sitting too.

Waited for not very long time when a male counsellor led me to his room on another floor via stairs. He started talking really boring shit like exercise and health and whatnot. This has been going on for like 15 mins and we were watching a documentary about how cells replicate their DNA...... and then another video comparing the prevalence of occupational osteoarthritis with other shit. _{(This video was shot on a bus, and somehow the dream technology also enabled us to be immersed in the video and riding a bus while learning that)} And he told me I can do an assignment project on that public health topic. And at this point I thought this was way beyond boring as a counselling session, so I told him actually I am a medical student and I have already learnt it. And about the comparing prevalence rate, I have already done it before at school. He didn't believe I did that exact thing, because the topic was original and made by the cedars (main campus counselling team). And I said no, it was really identical. It was legit the topics mentioned by the Department of Health in a leaflet before. He asked when did I do it. I said probably primary. He answered it make sense then.

He stopped the video, and back into the office environment he was sitting by my side on the right. Then I said he was quite boring and he wasn't really counselling. (sth like that) And he told me to look at his (hand? forgot). I looked. And then he told me to look at his eyes. I looked up and saw his eye was half open and I could only see most of the sclera and little pupil because his eye wasn't opening wide. I became very upset and started to whine into his shoulder. He asked gently what happened, while I continued to shove myself more into his shoulder. I said I couldn't even see your pupil and he was not even looking at me. :( And then I told him he looked and his vibe was a bit like Arthur but he was not. Arthur wouldn't avoid my eyes even if I seldom look at him, but every time I looked he would always look back at me. (Firmly and gently, without wavering and avoiding like this dream guy) :( And then I told him I was actually here because I want to figure out how I can be better in the sessions with Arthur, and open my hearts more and become more authentic during my sessions.

However this cedars policy was a bit interesting in a way that you need to see two different counsellors for 30 minutes and then your whole session would be an hour. This dream therapist seemed hurry and we were running out of time unfortunately, he checked the time and it was past :40 so we ran down the stairs to get back to the initial room (with white sofa) in order to hand me over to the next counsellor. He wrote onto a board about a “discussion topic” seeing counsellor at whatever time. But I was walking towards the triage table to find familiar faces, so I didn't see when he was writing, and I didn't know which line was mine because none really suit me lol I continued sitting while I saw Brian still waiting at that initial table. Then I left and sat on the sofa where the therapist guy discharged me at.

On the sofa I saw a familiar face of a staff woman walking by, my brain said it was someone whose name started with F (like Fiona) but I couldn't make out who was actually this person.

Then I began to imagine what title I should give this dream. (in the dream) My first thought that popped out was “artist uproar” (it made sense in the dream...) and then later I woke up and saw it was almost time for school but I decided to nap a bit more to figure out another topic but this time was even worse “spicy girl and crazy habits”

_{I think I dreamt this “first cedars counselling session” because my friend just went there for her first session two days ago and yesterday me and my other friend were chatting about it with her}

_{And by now I was officially late for school and typing all this out spent another hour and I am still on my bed while the lesson started...... sajhdklsdkfh}

_{So I slept again}

picking cushions

#arthur

I was at a backyard with many grass and some cushions here and there. So I was picking up and collecting the cushions and moving them into the red house. It’s like a little egg hunt. I also found an easter egg (non literal) someone left on the outer wall of the house, behind the decoy I found an B6 celebratory card and a small wooden red block in butterfly shape which should be a toy. I focused on the block so I didn’t read the words written with thick black marker on that card decorated with gold lining.

Then after moving all the pillows I could find, I returned into the house as it was quite sunny outside. When I was walking around and browsing my collection (rectangular pillows, square pillows, special pillows, baby fabric books, kid toys idk just categorised into many open baskets 貨籃? and kind of like IKEA), Arthur came and asked which one have I chosen, and I thought maybe I was supposed to choose a cushion to sit on during my sessions and to decorate my room

He pointed to a star shaped one and asked how about this, I told him that one was too hard to sit on. So he pointed to the few dice cushions next to it. I said they were a bit small but I can try. So I took one and tried to sit on it, but again the material was harder than I expected so it was uncomfortable. But I didn’t have good suggestions either so I just brought it with me.

Dream ended abruptly- I think there was an item I was holding afterwards in the dream which suddenly reminded me of real life, so I just woke.

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new advisor & back to school

#uni #secschool

• used my skateboard and travelled very fast (on par with/ faster than the speed of other buses) on the street at night near either cwb or tst. i felt a bit free?

• academic advisor:

brief slip about your background (PMH) – i wrote about my PTSD and about to start EMDR soon, along with my suspected BPD

academic advisor is clinical oncologist _{(prob because groupmate shared he wanted to be one bc his dad died of cancer)} I walk up a narrow and weird staircase in a small building like alice in the wonderland to reach this office/ home of the clinical oncologist. the guidelines on the stairs are just red taped lines to tell you not to go past this floor etc but eventually i arrived, and an office lady/ his assistant was there to wait for me, she told me about previewing his room and make sure to lock it before he comes or else hes angry. we looked inside but the oncologist arrived, and he looked mad at the office lady, and she was apologetic and I was very scared and apologised as it was my fault. the oncologist ignored me and and office lady didn't look at me as well, as if she didn't blame me, and then they chatted like normal as if nothing big really happened. the lady told me to enter his room with him, and I went inside and chatted with him

he looked at my slip and asked me to tell him more about my ptsd. I tried to start recalling and narrating the scene (only did a brief description of the surrounding and about to start describing the incident) but I immediately feel (in the dream) that I wasn't automatically doing the dream and I was sort of pulled out and my consciousness has to come in to continue the dream like a lucid dream and i didn't like it. I apologised a bit to the oncologist because I couldn't continue talking about it. He says it is alright and you will have EMDR soon. And he hopes we can get better soon (or similar things like this), and i asked him “we”? and he say yes. So I was thinking if he was saying my unconscious + my conscious self. Then the little academic advising initial meeting ended.

Later I had to grab lunch at the “canteen” but it was the lecture hall. with my friends?? and the ppl in the hall were sitting according to their flats which was according to academic advisor. There’s a lot of people as if it’s induction day but it’s probably not

• meet matthew yip – asked me about my relationship with “her” – i thought he meant our lady but I looked up and saw A instead and i realised he was talking about A, and I said nahhh

• later? went out and saw shuttle bus to penylan from cardiff so i took cuz it looked familar, and after I rode it i found out it was going back to dorm.

• jamie holding my ipad mini and scrolling in my gmail in my very original game email account from junior high school . i was furious and kept scolding her loudly why she did it again, it was not the first time, she was also looking at my gmail when i was back then using ipad air 1 very very angry (but now thinking about it it was A who did it)

_{(ahh im quite anxious for next week's EMDR, it would be my first time doing it. I guess it is because I've finally built a stable enough relationship with my therapist aka trust him enough to allow it to happen. I heard it would be very tiring, but im not sure if it would also be traumatising again, I hope I can still comprehend sentences and not get lost at school after I started it and wouldn't be as bad as the real thing previously)}

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school and old friends and people

#secschool #cch #teacher

sports day See carrie and ashley and some others walking at most back although some ppl’s numbers were supposed to walk further back but they were walking with friends but im alone Walk to tst pier Floating and swimming was faster than walking See angelika waiting bus and we briefly chatted

Took pics with a blind student in fromt of miffy tourist spots at the star ferry pier with my storage card Took a while to access the pics in the card for preview in a public classroom nearby, occupied around 1.5 mins of a tsang’s time before her class

Went back to class at school slightly late- RS lesson, camille and others were doing group discussion alr, found out cch is my rs teacher I went back to sit at my usual seat by the door, but the people doing discussions were at the middle of the classroom I asked (forgot name- a kinda chubby 留班 student w glasses who dislikes sh chan) to confirm if cch is teaching us this year cch just finished taking attendance and walked out with the attendance book supposedly to put it on the umbrella rack

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halted session w vincci; intimate with Arthur 2

#T #arthur my new session would be with Vincci instead, and it would be conducted over zoom. It would be my first time having a session with her. Arthur was a little bit worried if she can handle the session, so he joined the zoom meeting as an observer too. But around the mid part of the session, while Vincci was speaking, she suddenly quitted the zoom. I assumed it might be some internet issues of her. But she didn't rejoin. I was confused and initially I was a bit hopeful, so I was joking with Arthur about the situation. But after 10 mins of her not appearing, Arthur decided to call her but she didn't pick up her phone. Around 20 mins of waiting and almost the end of the session I was kinda upset because I think she didn't want to see me so she disappeared. I also told Arthur about me being a bit unhappy. I also felt a bit empty in the dream. Thinking back it might be because I felt like both Vincci and Arthur didn't want me (Arthur referring me to Vincci and she just ditched the session) and I felt abandoned.

I forgot how the scenes changed, but I was still in my new house bedroom/ old house parent's bedroom (direction of bed and door were similar), when I finished the zoom. Then Arthur came into the room. (I think) (The parts below were blurry) He lied on the bed and I was on top of him. We were naked this time. I was again humping him. (I couldn't really recall the sensations I had after I woke up- but I did moan a lot in dream) I leaned forward and our chests touched. Then I gave him a hickey on the left side of his neck. _{(shit now I googled it, I actually gave him a bite with my right canine... LMFAO)} He also gave one on my left neck (not sure bite or hickey), and as I felt that light sharp pain I was quite aroused and moaned again haha

I continued humping him while (we kissed? I think) Until I was kinda wet and I can also feel his cock erected and was rubbing against my butt as I moved myself. Then we changed position as he stood at my back and teased me by rubbing it without putting it in. Finally he put it in. Honestly it just felt like a foreign body inside and it wasn't really arousing haha- but interesting experience

_{After I woke up, the sensations in the dream are much less vivid to recall than the first dream (except the “hickey/ bite”)– so it was just pleasant watching but not feeling. I'm not sure if I felt a lot while dreaming though.}

prepping high school final exam in y4

#secschool school distributed papers to us for practice I got mine and I ran to school (my old home) in order to scold my f6 eng teacher for giving me an ass SBA mark but I arrived at school just when the recess bell rang (:35) (aka recess ended), so I didn't continue my plan

walk two dogs

#mum Mum led two dogs into my bedroom, telling me to walk them later. I was putting on the collar and leash for them but I forgot which collar is for which dog, and I took some time to attach them when eventually I realised I swapped them. Mum came in and helped me reattached the collars and leashes swiftly- but she reattached the ones I was meaning to remove. So I told her no, this is wrong and we need to change it. She replied they are similar, then you swap by yourself, and she left the room. I figured it out by a while and was halfway done, but seemed she waited a while already and she was a bit impatient so she came back into the room and helped me with it. I felt happy. Then we were about to go out and walk the dogs.

_{(...... now I am feeling mixed)}

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long dreams from yesterday afternoon till today morning. There were like 4 dreams but not too special

mum found out my cuts

#mum I was cutting and mum went inside my room and saw me holding my blade and my arms with cuts. Idk how to explain to her, I felt the scene is a bit embarrassing. I was scared if she would be angry. But she was more like shocked and a bit frowned, but didn't scold me. She asked me loudly why did it happen though. _{probably because yesterday afternoon my parents tidied my room and also added the window grilles to this new home, and dad was saying how dangerous it is if I was being too excited or whatever and stood up on bed because it was very easy to fall off onto the street when the grilles were not installed previously. And they took out my locked messenger bag which was usually put on the bed, so I later on took a look inside and found that one final little blade I didn't turn in to Arthur, and I opened it, and despite not feeling upset, and obv not upset enough to cut, I decided to cut a little because why not, and I have been refraining from cutting for a long time already, so I should give myself this... uhm treat. And that blade was sharp af so I just moved a little and I got a funny feeling and it bled just a little. I kept questioning myself why I would want to do it, because Arthur also asked me the same question, but I still dont know, but I want to do it}

korea trip with friends

#charlottec #secschool me and around 6 friends were at the park at night, somewhere in Korea, as we were travelling. These were from my senior secondary school squad with heidi, charlotte, kaka and others. We bought an ice-cream each and ate together on our own little cube stools. I had a strawberry ice cream cone with a few actual strawberries, but I had to hurry to eat because mine was melting especially quickly idk why lol. 3 others also had either similar or identical strawberry ice-cream but theirs didn't really melt that quickly. Maybe because my ice-cream arrived the latest out of them so it was served late, and already melting. (thinking back it didn't make sense because if it was so, my ice-cream should be the coldest, but I really did get the ice-cream the latest out of them) _{Maybe I dreamt it because I recently found a photo of their secondary school grad trip to Korea again, which I was unable to join (I think should be because I was travelling with family elsewhere during that time). I wasn't particularly fond of going though because charlotte said it happened to be a kinda bad trip lol, but I kinda miss out on it}

chatting with schoolmates

I was sitting at the bench with a few others (I forgot the names, but one seems to be Annie? who likes horses, and Lauren), plus a new dream friend, whom I met in primary school nanny van. They were a year younger than me. We were just chatting casually until when Annie wants us to guess her personality or whatever, and I just shared my (educated) “guesses”. The dream friend and Annie looked surprised because I was accurate, and I explained to the dream friend that I met Annie in the school van before. Annie didn't respond though. (Perhaps the “dream her” didn't know about this information) But the convo went on nicely. (I think this wasn't a lucid dream. I spilled out the irl info about school van naturally)

omw to school and battling giant monster

At a “dream fake city where I was on exchange” in the morning. Gives vibes like this:

I was waiting impatiently at a traffic light, wanting to get across to go ride metro to go to school. Finally the light turned green and I went across. Then it swapped from first person to third person as I saw a gigantic monster (godzilla size but not that ugly), protruding out of the metro station building. It was swallowing people's aura, which were blue orbs. And I observe this girl (the main character) dashed towards the monster in mid air and jumped really high to mid air to face head on with the monster by getting her two white iridescent aura orbs from her chest and out came two strong aura waves and shot the monster with that powerful beam and the monster appeared injured, and the dream ended (idk if the monster was dead or not).

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Arthur asked me whether I am awake and fantasizing when I said I was aware when I am dreaming. But I am sure they are lucid dreams. If not, then you can say I have not been sleeping for years. So it would be impossible. And my watch also shows I am sleeping. Therefore I am sleeping. Perhaps he hasn't tried lucid dreaming before, nor doing reality checks in dream, so it is hard to imagine.

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terrible gigantic argument with mum at wellness team waiting room

#T #mum #secschool

It is my birthday today. I felt a bit bad so I went to sit in the wellness team office. The waiting room was spacious. It was actually a big computer room. I sat there for a long time but couldn’t pacify myself, and my trembles continued, and I was still crying. So Vincci came and check on me. And she gave me a notebook to write what kind of subjects I chose during secondary school. So I listed all 13 from junior high and 7 in senior high. We carried this book with us to our uni entrance, and we sat at the middle of the slope where everyone would walk down to exit school. Ashley walked by and gave me a jellycat peanut keychain as a birthday present. She wished me happy birthday. Then I recalled (knew about in the dream that) it was my birthday. I was very thankful of her for remembering and the birthday wishes and I bursted into tears again. Some other old secondary classmates who also walked by said hi to me. After a quick while Ashley came back and apologetically took away my gift (which weirdly became a white plushy rather than the peanut), saying that she had recognised me wrongly and gifted wrongly. Still crying from receiving the gift, I was a bit sad but thought to myself that it wasn’t a big deal to be sad about yet I sobbed.

I think we went to a supermarket afterwards to check out on desserts yogurt and ice cream. _{(irl yogurt is my mum’s favourite and I’d pick ice cream.)}

Vincci was still next to me and we went back to the waiting room. My mum came to the room as she found out somehow that I would be here. Probably she checked my geolocation or she saw my notebooks, which I was deliberately not writing about therapy most of the time. When she saw me, she looked crossed, but when she saw Vincci beside me, she rose from the stool and put up a smiley face full of gratitude and thank her for taking care of me. I was angry and loudly told her to stop being so fake and put on a show when she dislike student wellness team _{(idk if she does irl but very likely, if she knows about it)}. So she scolded me back for wasting time talking to strangers and trusting them. That I was a total letdown and I couldn’t even study properly. I was furious and upset so I also stood and yelled at her telling her that she didn’t even understand how come my study is so bad, she never asked about my mental health and she ignored all the issues that I presented at home and those I told her about. She knew that my mind was so bad I was lost at school. I couldn’t even recall important stuff about myself. That I was in my room abnormally moody and I only showered every five days. I was yelling at her and getting very irritated every day and I never smiled but she didn’t even think anything beyond that! She only cared about the results I bring forward. But it was never me.

When she heard me yelling and screaming at her, it triggered her and she also yelled back with such explosive temper like usual.

At the midst of our argument, I also yelled at Vincci in frustration to see how me and my mum are both double-faced with such dramatic emotions. (To clarify the loudness is simply because I was arguing and I wouldn’t randomly speak in a low tone to another person. Not that I have beef with Vincci)

I’m too tired to write down our arguments, and I couldn’t remember them anyway. But we had a terrible big loud argument and my voice was coarse again. But it still did not reach her.

_{Maybe Arthur is right about I shouldn’t be expecting from my parents as we knew how they’re like. But I am lonely in this little place which is supposedly home.}

post exam driving

#uni

During exchange, I went to a distant place to have an exam, so a prof drove me there. On the way back I drove a part of the highway back with my riolu on my lap, and Cecot in backseat lol. But I got distracted by it after a pause of waiting other cars to pass- as in I forgot to start driving again and I became too focused on my doll. So Cecot said he would drive it and I sit at the back. Reluctantly (because I like driving), we swapped seats. When we reached the urban streets, I asked if I could try to drive. He said “you need more experience to handle the road.” I’m like ok Then I asked “how can I train my attention as I couldn’t see the rest of my vision if I look at the lane in front of me,” He replied, “by training.” I was left speechless because he wasn’t answering me. Maybe he was annoyed by my previous mistake of not focusing on the road. But I asked, “training?” in hopes of clarification. And he said “yes.” … so I asked “what kinds of training?” I think he was planning to answer, but at this point he already arrived at a parking spot and I had to get off. He asked me, “is it over?” (This part starting was all in canto) I asked “what do you mean by it, if you’re talking about my module then I completed it, if you’re talking about the exam then yeah?” And he repeated, “is it over?”

So I was very confused and kept thinking what’s over until I woke up.

But now after typing this down I realised he just probably wanted me to end the conversation.

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Yooooooooo first time dreaming about her omg

uni group tour & shopping with cora

#cora #secschool

Feels like summer sem chinese course, but the setting of the dream is in winter I had to attend a basic chinese course Need to memorise long sentences for class, and speak together as a group I was scared to memorise + lazy to attend the stupid course so I just went to the staircase where they rehearse to peek at them The course instructor (a thin old lady- i don’t like the vibe, feels like f2 vice classmistress) spotted me and led the class to walk around the staircase and caught up to me (I couldn’t run fast) She asked why didn’t you join I said I am scared She explained they’re actually pretty chill, but it’s okay if I didn’t wanna participate and skip class So I felt better and joined

After class me and my new friend group (Zoe Wong and a few others) somehow joined a school activity And we matched with our group leader, Cora I was behind her the whole time when she’s leading We exited a place that feels like lecture hall into a shopping mall, then went onto the streets On the way they were chatting (I forgot what was it about), Cora casually commented that I was already blushing We went to a small shop on the street, where we were given a free kitty for each of us Initially the shopkeeper gave me two/ two kittens walked towards me. One walked towards me first, it was quiet and obedient, had white fur with mini light blue polka dots dyed on it. The other one dashed towards me. It was more active, with blue stripes. I felt my forearms were slightly painful from cradling them, so I looked down onto my arms and realised the active cat didn’t withdraw its claws fully when kneading on my forearm. So I asked it to withdraw the claws because I felt painful, and it learnt and did. (The first cat was napping gently the whole time.) I chose the second cat.

Afterwards we went inside a cosmetics shop. As I didn’t have much experience with cosmetics, my groupmates and Cora were explaining them and point out ones they like/ were popular as we walked by. They were commenting on something that looks like a lip gloss. But they were commenting on the smell and how long lasting it was. I was confused so I asked them to explain. Zoe explained it was actually perfume, and a small amount of it was enough to [make you horny] (i forgot how they phrased it exactly, but definitely horny and not aroused). Cora added, it could last you the whole night, and was perfect for bar nights.

As we exited the shop it was dark outside already, and we were walking uphill towards a bar. I think I asked Cora if she’s ready to hit on some men

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Yeah bruh can’t believe i asked her that in the dream _{hit on me first pls- or did she}

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