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Daily writing practice

2022/1/5 #poetry So, since there's nothing for it, I suppose I should ignore it But the process is rather rough, no cinch to tear my focus off Once my task is underway my mind will just not stray I must find whatever I mislaid Concentration will not be swayed The need consumes my total will A sense of calm I can't instill This desperation does not fit But I can not get rid of it Even when forced to another task My mind looks back and screams aghast 'That thing you lost, I know it's there We still haven't looked everywhere.' But I gave up, for at least today I'll put those thoughts out of the way The time to search gives no return No matter how strong and deep I yearn It will turn up, things always do I'm sure that I will make it through Relax, let go, be done for now This obsession I disavow

2022/1/4 What may be a useful definition of intelligence for philosophical argument: capable of acting freely and understanding the implications of those actions. I came to this consideration while musing about fungi and ants after reading about them in a book. They do not, by modern conceptualization, have these qualities. Modern conceptualization is just that though, the actual reality is a mystery. You may feel differently, along with the person in the book. You could also define your terms to suit yourself in your own reckoning. Your understanding of the world around you would have to be accurate only if you needed to understand the implications of your actions. Even then, only accurate in practical terms.

2022/1/3 Some people are able to use their life in a way that satisfies them utterly. Having a dream career and the relationships that make them feel their best. While this doesn't make them happy by itself, the self determination that is involved is a good indicator. You don't need to be super successful to have self determination. More importantly though, you don't need to be happy to have a nice time. I learned a lot from stupid games. I found that the drive to succeed within the rules of the game took on its own significance. That the frustration of failing many many times while learning how to build a useless skill was not heeded while the focus was on completing the dictated objective. If I were to take stock of my state of being while playing an arcade button masher style computer game, I wouldn't say I felt good, at least not before completing my objective. In the midst of the action, before I succeed I just feel frustrated by having to try over and over again. That does not make me feel happy but it also doesn't make me turn away. I feel engaged because I have a goal and I'm working on it. I am able to do what I think will help me to succeed and I feel slightly good for a moment when I do succeed but not what I would say, looking back, good enough to justify the many minutes of frustration beforehand or the time wasted in pursuing the contrived goal. The thing is, the engagement itself is its own reward. It isn't happiness, but it is a sort of satisfaction. I do my best these days to avoid doing things that don't have a real payoff. If the prize is a half second sound an a burst of color than I figure I can get that directly without any work. There are things that do give a nice payoff, such as a good story to work though and intellectually challenging puzzles that have interesting solutions, but outside of games there are many things that have much more of a payoff as well as things that are similarly as meaningless as the chime of aligning some objects in a row from many popular games. When I do put effort into something, I assess what I will get out of it and I use what I've learned to help me decide if it's worth it.

2022/1/2 I've really taken it for granted that the sizes of different brands will be wildly at odds with each other. I realize that this shouldn't be the case and that clothes and shoes should be measured by the same units. That there is no rational excuse why any particular brand would deviate so far from the standard. There are many things that I take for granted that I should not, things that just seem to be the way of the world I came up in. The problem of what to do once I find that something is amiss is rather important for me. I've certainly spent much of my life doing everything in my power to do right and avoid feeding the less than right. Some things, even so, are just too well established and too instrumental to fight. How can one avoid entirely the systems of corruption and negligent acceptance that comprise the world in which they live?

2022/1/1 #poetry Against the delicately rumpled water bounce the sunbeams collecting them in my vision I see a pleasant view I'm aware that the whole scene is in motion from Sun to wavelets to the light itself as well as the air around me and my own form too and yet stillness is its most prominent quality A strange interpretation that speaks to the culture that created it Without taking too long to gaze I feel I've taken it in and depart with satisfaction well before everything changes in an obvious way

2021/12/31 #poetry Honest and simple Direct Fun to say Gives you something a bit different on each read through So in that sense Speaking to complexity The poetry I like to read Has these qualities Good cadence Slows you down Surprises with unexpected relevance Subtle wit The poetry I like to read reminds me to pay attention to those weaker signals those moments of life that feel so clear that seem so present when only a single thing is going on

2021/12/30 Waiting, or intermittency, is a key to enjoyment of most things. Other than breathing there's almost nothing that you can enjoy continuously. Even breathing is better with variance. Some things you might suggest that you can do continually and it will stay a source of joy. Perhaps being with someone you really like comes to mind. It might be true for you, though it isn't for most people, that this companionship brings you gratitude no matter how long you spend together. Two things about this situation should be said, first, the activities you do with them and the things you say to each other change all the time. If you were to meet someone that always did and said the same things with you every time you saw them that would certainly get old. Second, even if you do find continuous enjoyment from their presence you would certainly find that being away for a time would make you appreciate them even more. When the tree is brimming with ripe fruit for weeks, you have a harder time savoring each bite of the same thing over and over. That first fruit of the year though, that is just so good, every time.

2021/12/29 Acton St, running South from University, has some trees that turn some really nice colors. From golden yellow to oranges and reds. Both sides of the street are lined with the same type of tree mostly, with many other trees in the yards. I noticed a woman with her phone out. Seemed to be walking in the same direction as I was on the same side of the street. She kept stopping. I finally overtook her and realized that she'd been busy being dazzled by the colors and was taking pictures or video. Over and over. I was glad to see that the scene was being appreciated with such deep enthusiasm. The awed look on her face was unexpected.

2021/12/28 #poetry I seem to have something of a knack for starting and sort of rambling for a bit butthen! tying it all up with a nice bow. Since I'm writing about my writing right now I should take a moment to reflect on my tools. I have a nice pen, but I've been preferring to use a computer since I can experiment more easily without committing. I can do that in my mind while using a pen but it certainly has a different flavor and I always run the risk of being distracted and forgetting. This is hard proof that the mental process, at least for me, of writing on a computer and writing with a pen are somewhat slightly different. It's true that the text editor I use doesn't have real time spell check or autocorrect and that makes a big difference too. I've written with those features on and they are highly derailing. Those thought trains, ya know? Choo Choo. Chew on this. Experimenting is important because, as indicated by my first statement, I don't start out with a plan. I'm not really sure what I will exposit before I sit down and start. I've tried a few times to plan in advance, but nothing comes. Not until I'm set up, with my tools at the ready. The thing is that it seems that when I have the ability to delete carelessly, sometimes it takes longer to find a thread. I have had days where I sit for many minutes without a spark both using paper and with using a computer, certainly, but the false starts seem to prolong rather than kickstart the process of getting through to a starting point. One could start, with a pen, and then decide against it, crossing it out, tearing out the page, leaving it and skipping a few lines or even using correction tape, but I don't let myself. It's not a rule I have, it's just not in my nature. The pen is permanent. You know, ish, mostly, whenever it actually happens to be, on occasion, as long as it's not washable or water based or on the wrong surface or on scrap paper or pretty much most of the times pens are used. Even so, it feels permanent. I think that confers some power to it in my mind and I'd like to keep it that way. So I don't false start with a pen by intention. I do think this is part of why it is different in practice, to use a pen rather than a computer. Another thing is the freedom. The added personality. The Freudian slips that are so different in nature than a typo on a screen. Not to say that Freudian slips are what Freud purported them to be, but even as a coincidence with meaning only in retrospect they can be funny or revealing. It's funny to talk about Freudian slips in the context of freeform writing where I'm really just leaning in to wherever my mind goes; but anything could have a double meaning I suppose. As long as, at the end, I take whatever I've got and tack on a suitable summary or final point to give the whole thing coherent meaning I'm pretty satisfied with my work.

2021/12/27 #poetry Oh, you would wouldn't you? I always thought you were a fool! This will be the end of you! Give up this silly game, or die! Take heed of my words, or perish! Enough, you must end this charade! I'll destroy you utterly! There's no way to escape! You only have one choice! And You Must Make It Now Oh! OK then, so glad you were able to come to a decision. Can't go wrong with chocolate!