RiverXerces

25 03 21 [09:45]

I need to put this somewhere permanent so I can show any future doctors:

I was put on an antipsychotic several months ago due to repeated misdiagnoses of schizoaffective. I'm currently coming off it after seeing a new doctor who saw through the BS imposed by my previous "doctors". For anyone who doesn't know, antipsychotics excel at silencing your own thoughts/feelings (which *can* help if you're hallucinating/are psychotic). When you're simply neurotic due to a reaction to something going on in your life, all it does is make it so you're unable to properly process your experiences. Ergo, why I'm taking the time to process this via text while I'm in the right mindset to.

Roughly a year ago I moved in with a religious family member and they tried as hard as they could to evangelize to me 24/7 against my wishes while adamantly denying it. I wrote the following in my blog/journal in 2022 and this is a good summary of what was my initial explanation for my situation to the (religious) doctors that misdiagnosed me:

"I feel people with gods often do this thing, but definitely not all. They'll hint at something they don't agree with about you, but won't directly say anything about it. If you point it out they'll completely deny there was any reason they said it other than "just talking". But it's clearly in the context of what is being said and they won't admit what their feelings or thoughts are on a subject. I wonder sometimes how aware most of these people are of it and if it's literally their conscious manifestations of a god forcing them to say it. But in both this situation and the situation where they're just not honest with either themselves or others, a subconscious process is speaking out and they wouldn't have as much awareness or control over it, which makes it very hard to talk about with them. It's increasingly frustrating because I know all their problems with me but they refuse to talk about any of it. Not all people with gods are like this. I think it depends on how your god develops, which you have total control over I believe, so... But I wonder how much of a determining factor it should be in the people I keep around me."

The family member in question insisted they were put on my ROI "so they could pick up my medications" even though they never did a single time. They instead used this to talk to my doctors behind my back (they admitted to this before they knew I felt that they had an ulterior motive). Every doctor I spoke to was religious(I asked) and whenever I explained what I thought was going on they were noticeably angry at me and said I was psychotic because "Everyone around you is telling you that you're wrong so you must be wrong and if you weren't psychotic you would be able to accept this." This happened 3 times over the past year until they essentially broke me. Every time I would bring anything up to them that insinuated they may have an ulterior motive (said ulterior motive being their willingness to brainwash me into conversion AT ALL COSTS), they would simply say verbatim "I have no idea what you're talking about" and push for me to raise the dose of my antipsychotics.

This situation climaxed after a moment of being able to process what was happening where I brought up everything over my time there all at once. She denied everything again (verbatim "I have no idea what you're talking about"), told me I couldn't live there anymore, and demanded that I was hurting *them* by bringing all this up. I said "fine then, i will leave" rather passionately, started packing, and they called the cops because I was "making a lot of noise", which I was, I was pissed that I was being gaslit. Nevertheless, I can't really recount all of this rn as my brain is still in a place where I don't want to tell anyone any of what I'm saying (I'm forcing my self to rn but I can only do so much). Having my experiences being discounted so much that I'm too exhausted to recount them anymore has affected me. However, to put it mildly, the cops traumatized me further and I have not gotten more than 2-5 hours of sleep since until last night (been over a month) (also I have not been psychotic a single time throughout this entire sleep deprivation experience even getting off of my antipsychotic). Also just a side note, the charges the cops made up are being dropped as they were BS.

I'm currently living with a different family member and I feel as they are trying their damnedest to make me feel like I can't tell anyone any of this via brainwashing/evangelical tactics

I think my dad may have drugged me. Either that or I'm edging my way into hypomania (25.03.21:19:33)

Relevant album

25 03 16 [18:00]

It's been a few years; where am i now? I've been through so much; it makes me ill. I'll vent about it a single time and move on.

Paranoia is definitionally not justified. My perspective is.

Nothing but time...

22 08 13 [22:20]

The amount of progress I've made in the past months is unreal to me. I think about what I've been able to accomplish in the past and it doesn't even compare to what I've learned to do in all but 2 -- 3 months? It feels great. But now I've hit a wall. I've always has an idea in my head, that once I started to achieve things, start going somewhere, that people would notice and treat me differently. I feel stupid now for thinking that people would notice or even care. Like, really fucking dumb. I know it's not really that crazy of a thing to think and I don't think it's conceited or anything. But I still feel fucking foolish. And I feel like a whiny child for writing about it now. I wish I didn't care. I wish all that mattered to me was my own recognition of my accomplishments. But that's not the case, and I have to get past it.

...

I really enjoy coding in Python. I wish I had a faster computer so I could actually use it for machine learning and stuff. It just isn't feasible to learn right now. Waiting 5 minutes to train a network on less than half a page of data just really isn't going to work out. At the very least it's much easier to make DLL calls and use the Win32 API in Python than it is with AutoHotkey. Well, only in some cases. And manually managing the memory of variables in AutoHotkey and all that is actually really fun so I prefer using AutoHotkey for that anyways. Also helps with understanding bit shifts, combining lowords/hiwords, etc. All the same, the actual act of coding in Python is really satisfying, so might as well make room for it.

I wanted to make a desktop app that embeds this website within it so I wouldn't have to open my main browser to use it but alas it does not allow for itself to be embedded. Sad.

22 03 31 [14:30]

I just ordered some food through Publix delivery. I did the same thing last week. I have the trial; I'm probably not going to renew it. And then I'll have to show my face in public :(. Oh well.

I need to get a headphone dongle for my iPhone to use my newer headphones but I don't want to spend money on that. I'm stubborn when it comes to stupid fucking companies turning features into "priveleges". Giving my money to some random Chinese company for it seems slightly better at least, if not just to turn a sure negative thing into a guess.

I can feel my focus being tugged,
gently, 
as though by tidal forces.

I try to oppose the force equally,
careful not to pull too hard,
waiting to see if I didn't pull hard enough.

I'm near the crest of the wave,
straightening my body and neck,
prolonging the immanent fall as best I can.

22 03 28 [19:30]

That past two days have been rough. I haven't slept in about 60 hours and my meds don't allow for hypomania anymore. So it just sucks. I really just want to trigger it, get some shit done, and crash into a deep depressive haze and slumber. It's like I'm on the verge of hypomania but my meds keep me from going over the edge. I sort of miss the days where all I had to do was not sleep and drink a cup of coffee in the morning and go crazy until nightfall. It's just a nice respite from depression. In moderation... and not around people... and only when it's actually fun... I guess it was pretty bad actually.

On the bright side, I'm really loving this monitor that I turned sideways for writing and reading stuff. It feels like some novel technology lol but I've used it for years and I literally just turned it sideways and now it's the future. I get some more THC tomorrow, thank Gobb for that.

22 03 24 [10:20]

I just sat down at home after returning from an appointment with my psychiatrist. I have a lot to think about. I'll just list them out first so I can get the most out of this.

• shame response to medication vs.
• actual thoughts on medication
• hesitance to bring up hypotheses on diagnoses
• inability to think in conversation
• responses to physical ailments

[11:00]

Okay so I don't know if I can get through all this. I had to take my dog out and I'm just now sitting back down. My train of thought has been broken and found so many times at this point. I'll try.

I have these ideas instilled into my subconscious that drugs which can be used recreationally are just plain bad, even when used to treat an illness. It's no surprise. It's the way I was raised. Even though, rationally, I know that no drugs are good or bad and when used to treat an illness, it's effectively always on the side of better as opposed to worse. It's incredibly frustrating. I've noticed when I'm not around my family this sort of thing always fades away. I need to build up my reality to be more robust, which means I need to talk to more people I actually generally agree with and like. I need to immerse myself in a community of people like me. Rather, a community of all types of people. I've already got one type of people all around me, so I could stand to exclude that at least. All I care about when selecting people around me is how much love-rooted interaction is likely to occur as opposed to hate-rooted interaction. It's so strange how some people's beliefs have love so hardwired into them yet they end up emitting the least amount of love of anyone.

I am really bad at not trusting my own thoughts in regard to what might be wrong with me. I'm pretty sure it was trained into me by my family. I have some very strong and negative thoughts on that. Regardless, I think it would also be solved with enough company of the right people. Actually, this one might be solved by not interacting with my family as opposed to increased interaction of others. At the very least I need to figure out a way to shield myself from the toxic fucking programming they want tacked on to their religion. Every interaction I have outside of my family makes me realize how much less of an issue my decisions and actions are in relation to conflicts in my life. And I don't want that to be the case. What happens if I get used to it and I start using the majority of my social interaction allotment for normal, healthy-to-be-around people? Will I even be able to tell who the aggressor is when I've learned that the default is other people and I can't rely on my feelings to tell me otherwise since my programmed intuition is always that I'm wrong?

I've really struggled with accurately conveying my thoughts to my psychiatrist. I just don't have the access to my mind/memories I normally do outside of conversation. I cannot for the life of me circumvent it. I don't really have much else to say about it. It just fucking sucks. Hopefully things will start to get better in that regard. WE WILL SEE.

I just want to eat ice cream, drink a cup of coffee, sit down with a 6 pack and teriyaki fried rice, and watch a movie. Too bad I can't do any of that right now. Blargh. Well the coffee I can do...

weeee

Edited 22 03 28

22 03 22 [14:00]

I'm watching the trees outside my window. The amount of information to discern from them is infinite for all I know. I could look at them and notice something new in every moment if I developed the attention for it. I can look at a single frond of pine needles and soak it in as it sways in the wind. I can see the way it changes and the way it stays the same. I can see things with empathy that are impossible to know. I feel my interpretation of what the frond would communicate its experiences as. I can "talk" to a single needle or to a tree as a whole, or even all the trees together. There are some things I get excited about noticing but never end up figuring out a good 'use' for. I'll have this feeling that says 'This is important, remember this for later' and it just fades away — first the feeling, then the thought.

22 03 21 [16:55]

I worked on a commission for someone today. It's probably half way done and I'll finish it tomorrow. I wish I could just be motivated on a schedule so I could have a daily work routine. That would be amazing but there's no correlation with anything I've noticed. So I'll have to keep on going as is. It's a little easier to get things done with a small amount of THC in me. I used to get super stoned every time I smoked. I never got much done that way. It's much easier to relax, let go, and just draw. Too much though and I have to lay down.

I think I'm going to intentionally do just that in a couple of hours. I need to clean, do laundry, eat, and hide my food.