#arthur Scheduling final few therapy sessions w Arthur. Felt sad

Apr 3

#mum seemed like a chaotic dream, I even moved my arm and shouted a little to fight with my mum in dream.

Apr 4

#T Was having the final few therapy sessions with Ming. I asked her if I can see Arthur or possibly have a session with him before I terminate therapy, but she said no, and also Arthur's office was at a different location from them (Arthur's in Yau Tsim Mong district but we are currently in HK island). So she refused to let me book or meet Arthur for that reason...

Apr 5

Complicated dream but forgot. Seems it was about Arthur again

Apr 7

#mum #dad Long dream. Travelled to Japan with family, and during one of the days I scheduled to meet two online friends (no such person irl). We met up on the streets and crossed the lights and planned to shop together in a big shopping mall. Afterwards, there was quickly sunset and started raining too. The street was dark but there were street lights so it wasn't too bad. The reflections from the rain on the road was particularly memorable- maybe it felt kind of dangerous. I was wary of the pedestrians walking past us, some seemed malicious but luckily I had my friends around me. We went to a KFC to have mashed potatoes and I ate two cups of that.

Overrun session w Arthur n he was annoyed

Apr 8

I started the dream with the scene that I was in therapy and it was almost ending time (like 5 minutes remaining). Then I suddenly remembered I needed to give diary to Arthur for him to read, so I immediately took it out from my bag and handed it to him. He was annoyed. We ran overtime (it started at 11am and it went on until 12:30) because of that. I was lowkey surprised he didn't ask me to bring it next time and conclude the session when time was up. But I am also happy he overran. At 12:30 when we were really ending, I didn't want to leave. He scolded me I was like an infant (I inferred it as being clingy and occupying space without much use). He also flipped through my poorly done past papers and told me to 檢討自己 (reflect on myself). (The marks were like 0.5 marks total for the whole exam. They were terribly done.) Anyways he was not pleased with me.

Later, I went downtown as I needed to find lunch with a dream friend. We were in a foreign city that felt very Indian (chaotic and the currency is foreign. The food looks quite middle east Asian too) (or Sri Lanka? Malaysia??) We entered a very high class local shopping mall/ outlet. Although it was high class there, it was just at mediocre standard tbf. We had a time limit for lunch, so we walked everywhere in the outlet to find restaurants that were affordable and clean enough. After a long time of walking around, we finally found a little dessert/ cafe that was doing a discount for macarons and tea set. So I got a macaron.

Sleep study mandatory giant tattoo

Apr 11

I just did a sleep study and was lying on a hospital bed listening to a surgeon/ doctor telling me about my current condition. He told me I require a more in-depth study, and it needed to be an open chest surgery. It would leave a clamshell scar and a mandatory giant tattoo: in the front, there would be two giant bold “tire line” (just like the tire marks on the road). At the back, there was a super MK (edgy teenager) 左青龍右白虎 decoration (left shoulder giant Chinese dragon and right shoulder a white tiger), and in the middle, there would be a BIG italic gothic font of [my name]. I tried to bargain with the surgeon not to tattoo for quite some time, but he said it was mandatory. So I sadly gave up the in-depth sleep test. Later, I went to an anniversary celebratory event hosted by the devs in Forest app. While everyone was mingling in the dark room holding champagnes, I spotted Arthur entering the room. Then the devs told everyone to take a seat (the seats were arranged all by the four walls), so I immediately took the seat right next to him. Then his wife entered the room, and took the seat opposite to us (at the opposite wall). So I couldn't/ didn't dare to act out anything reckless/ advancing.

Apr 13

Seemed big dreams but couldn't remember

car cliff jumping

Apr 14

I was watching myself/ a person sitting in a car in third person, being driven on the hill (around the cliffs in circles). The ground was in quite plain colours and I couldn't see any scenery outside, it was very foggy. Quite minecraft vibe too, as in everything feels quite cuboid. Suddenly, the driver drove off the cliff and the car landed on the road under us. And this happened for multiple times. Although we were unscathed, the sudden loss of gravity made me very anxious. I hate this dream. Later I was filling up my old diary and therapy logs (in dream).

Apr 15

#pblmate dreamt monica changed name into a very westerner name + surname.

Apr 16

#primschool Travelled to Japan with Benson and Henry. Went to an art fair complex and bought many postcards from an animation studio. I wished to buy more but they had a purchase limit. Then, I met Chloe (the one who drew very nicely) + another primary school friend (but I forgot), and we were waiting for the train from Lo Wu back home.

Apr 17

many dreams. One line stuck with me, it was mum scolding me and the sentence was something like “你唔想上[某英文補習社]，咁你唔好學啦！”

One second late for school, crush on random guys

Apr 18

#exchange #ruby I was late to primary school/ secondary school by ONE second! I was running all across the district for my school and across roads, and I stepped into the gate of the school just as the school bell rang. A discipline teacher scolded me. I was so unhappy I woke up and also felt a bit of short of breath + palpitation so I had to lean on one side.

Second dream. I was waiting for the MTR at admiralty/ central. Ruby cosplayed as 沈星回 and stood beside me. _{(I suspect it was because I saw a giant paper decoration of that game character the night before in a shop)} I also had a crush on Victor Li somehow in the dream. huh ??? Anyways. They (I forgot who was the one) touched my body and used a deep voice to talk to me so I was very aroused. We watched a movie in a cinema, and went to an amusement park nearby together. I came across some friends I made in Cardiff and other uni friends. One asked me about my allowance and expenditure when I was in Cardiff before. Also randomly I realised I forgot to do my math homework from high school and it was overdue and I felt guilty.

Third dream. I went to a DIY workshop shop with Monica and another person (not sure if it was Yuki in the dream), and one of the staff there discriminated us for speaking English/ being a foreigner. So the other day (like one “in-dream day”) I headed out to find the staff and scolded her in front of other customers loudly multiple times.

Apr 19

I went to school and the current task was to fill in a worksheet in Chinese. It wrote a term in Chinese, and I suspected it was Parkinson's Disease. It required me to write the symptoms of this disease, but I mixed up with Alzheimers, so I kept writing down the answers for Alzheimers. Luckily before handing in, I corrected it to the answers for Parkinsons. I felt very proud. (Although after waking up I realised it was asking about Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome...)

secretly dating a guy

Apr 21

I was shopping in the mall with a young boy. It felt like I was dating secretly. (If I really need to say who it was similar to, I guess the vibe was like Matthew L since the dream guy and I were at similar heights in dream.) We met Dad in the mall. Luckily he did not suspect anything and didn't find out about it. Later I joined a Minecraft server, and I became friends with one of the helpers. He was friendly, but almost kicked me out when I tried a slash command (something like /tp spawnpoint), and I appeared outside of the map. He suspected if I was hacking because it was impossible to be out of the map. I explained I tried the command since usually such commands work in servers to be teleported back to the hub, but somehow in this server I was teleported outside, maybe it was mistakenly set there. So he didn't kick me out.

Next scene, I was flipping my diary book and showing Arthur the food photos I stuck to the many pages. As I was sharing happily, I heard my irl phone notifs going off and I sprang awake as I realised I was late for school. _{(And I got scolded irl bruh. Echoed across the corridor. I don't think it was necessary in university level, I either show up or I don't... My presence would )}

Apr 22-24

_{Very messy dreams I was too busy to remember or else I would get scolded for being ate again. I don't understand why admins were making themselves a big deal, just mark me late bro.}

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3/3 visited aunt Atlex's home, and she gave me a big red packet, but I tried to reject it because I know Atlex wasn't too well off and I want her to keep the money to herself

4/3 Watched King Sir's dizi performance during a concert. It had been a long time since I saw him/ heard his music. However his style now was quite cringe so I was a bit disappointed (I forgot how cringe it was since I was writing and expanding this dream log retrospectively from my diary book)

5/3

eerie woman

I was walking by a mountain when I saw a SUPER eerie woman face floating in front of me. The rendering quality of the face was low resolution, blurry and black and white, compared to the surrounding scenery which was more realistic but the colour was still paler than from real life. I turned and looked at the mountain where there appeared like a dozen of the same head (I thought the number was 16, although I didn't count it actually). Once I saw this head, I immediately bowed and apologised frantically and repeatedly for disturbing her. And I tried to slowly retreat while I was apologising. It was very scary for me emotionally although the plot wasn't that dramatic, not sure why.

8/3 #arthur Had an occasion at school when I met arthur out of the blue, I was very shy to see him so after a quick glimpse, I looked down and didn't dare to look up to see his face properly. He felt very blurry to me. Although I didn't talk much or initiate much conversation since there was another stranger talking to both of us, Arthur recognised me and asked me how am I doing (meanwhile the stranger doesn't seem to be aware we know each other). It was a pity I was looking at my feet the whole time, but I still feel happy!

9/3 #mum #dad Had to go relatives gathering for CNY in mainland again !! noo

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#JY #uni #pblmate #arthur #teacher #secschool

Was having a class and probably it was the last lesson of the period. We were standing in rows as if we were gonna perform something on stage (we were in a kinda big classroom though- many students, no desks nor chairs- kinda like kindergarten classrooms). To my left was a person who gave me the vibe of JY, to my right was Heather/ Monica. The scene was quite crowded and there were rows behind us and one row in front of us. JY nudged me with his elbow. I felt quite unfortable, and I used both of my hands to push his elbow back. It had a bit of resistance but quickly his elbow nudged me again. At the same time, the person on my right held her arm to lock with mine. Then I realised we were supposed to lock arms together as part of the performance. I looked at JY’s elbow and I realised he was holding up at an angle to let me put my arm in his. So I did so although I was slightly reluctant. But he didn’t explain to me and he kept looking at his front so it made it awkward at first place. _{(I hope my subconscious is not trying to find excuses for JY though…)}

Quickly later, I was told I needed to go to a room to receive a make-up class. When my previous groupmate exited the room, I went in. It was taught by Arthur. I needed to sit by a desk to do some chinese penmanship and dictation. The atmosphere was beginning to get …umm romantic? Personal? As we filled in on what we were up to for the past week between his sentences for my dictation. Then my F.6 chinese teacher opened the door and came in. I was nervous and stressed about her finding out we were almost starting to chat more intimate things, so I kept writing my chinese words wrongly and I had to scribble and rewrite for like 4 times.

Then I was handed to the chinese teacher to continue my class while Arthur left. Later I went out and saw my groupmates at a resting area with benches. It was decorated like a shopping mall with low ceilings- kind of like the subway in tsim sha tsui. I looked at heather and monica and they look prettier than usual. Heather had my haircut and Monica had better skin. _{(We legit had a convo on how an AI tried to give me a new haircut and it changed my face to look like Heather; and Monica told me I had nice skin and her own skin condition wasn’t good)} And then I also saw Alex wearing his backpack at the end of the bench. I told them, oh I haven’t seen Benson, and I also haven’t seen him in short sleeves before actually. And then they told me Benson was right here so I turned around and saw him behind Monica. In long sleeves though.

Later a teacher came out from the room and told us she had calculated the marks. (idk it was a test). She said two people failed, and named those two people, luckily one wasn’t from our group. Then we left. I was quite happy I didn’t fail.

But later I received news from someone else telling me they found out I also failed as well.

A bit of a bummer

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#arthur

Arthur’s wife was substituting the session for today. She was pregnant with a belly _{(googled and it was around the size of 20-24 weeks? Not too big but have a curvature)}.

She explained Arthur was busy and had duties, so she would be the one seeing me instead. I was wondering how come he would ask a pregnant woman to substitute for him, but quickly I dropped that trail of thought as she began to have a conversation with me.

She invited me to touch her belly to feel the baby. I touched gently and later firmly as she guided me on how to touch. While I was touching, I asked her if it is a boy or girl. She said it’s a girl. I asked if it’s her first baby. She said no, she had a girl, then a boy, then this time it’s a girl. I said oh that’s kinda like the word 嬲. _{(after I woke up I realised it was flipped so no; and this 嬲 saying was from my primary school chinese teacher who had two sons and a daughter- so it wasn’t an original pun by me fyi)}

As I was feeling the belly, I was quite envy of her getting pregnant. I wanted to get pregnant by Arthur too… I petted (?) her belly (like a cat) firmly and harder and harder with this envy feeling. It did take me slight cognitive effort to keep myself in check during the dream to not hit the belly or do anything violent that may harm the baby. And I felt like she was too trusting to a client esp like me who liked her husband a lot, she was putting herself into danger without realising…

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#mum #pblmate #uni #arthur

First I was at a hostel having a sleepover with secondary school classmates. It was midnight. I was wearing my formal outfit from the day so I needed to go home to fetch my pajamas and my next day outfit. I was thinking of going home or not and eventually I went back (to the old address). Mum was washing clothes in the sink. I think we had an argument but I couldn't recall clearly. Then I went back to the hostel and arrived at a little bit past 4am.

I needed to have an exam at 10:30 so after a quick sushi party I rushed out to go back to sassoon road to take the exam. I was pretty annoyed when I almost took the wrong strap bag with me cuz it was not efficient of me. The wrong one was my small black usual strap bag while the correct one was an old white cylinder shaped strap bag, with riolu inside.

Before leaving the hostel, we needed to name our takeaways from this visit and it was very difficult since I didn't really learn any and you can't overlap with others, luckily I got a storybook published by the hostel and eventually I got two takeaways from it. Also I spent some time to search for my diary which I thought I misplaced in the hostel rooms, but it was in my strap bag the whole time. (I think there was a short clip where I had to go back to K Town to grab my diaries and ride the metro back, and the two friends behind me couldn't get on while only I can and I felt slightly guilty but I thought it was actually not what I can do)

I arrived at the exam an hour late, and the tutor waited for me to start the exam. Alex was angry because the test was just 10 MCQs and he had to wait for an hour. The tutor put the stack of Q&A sheets on the table and asked us to take one each. I asked Benson next to me, and Monica opposite to me if they could lend me answers to copy or could I just look at them to copy, they seemed ambivalent to that. Alex took the whole stack to hand out to everyone except me. I asked him to give me one but he ignored me. I loudly yell I don't have one, I need one. Alex had started answering the questions. I think Kelvin had tried to separate the extra sheet under his Q&A sheet but Alex was grabbing the papers tight so Kelvin gave up. I also raised my voice to ask the tutor to give one extra to me but the tutor said there were no extras/ she wasn't gonna help me. I felt really angry at Alex and I could feel my whole body was heating up and I'm turning red. I shouted and argued with Alex. And I also thought Benson could feel my anger too.

Anyways Alex continued to indulge in the MCQs and answer them very quickly. Seeing him, the rest of the group also started answering the questions. I felt very frustrated so I took my light blue pen (my only pen) and reached out and scribbled on Alex's paper (and drew a giant cross on his answers). Alex said that's not gonna stop him, I'm the fault. I was very irritated so I drew a deep straight line on his forearm. Then he fought back by drawing also a deep straight line on my forearm using his black pen. I thought I was going very hard on his forearm but when he was drawing me, I hardly feel any pain, or anything at all.

I sat back down at my empty table, looking at my trembling hands. And regretted if I cut deeper in my forearm last night and draw some blood, perhaps he could see me as crazy and I can defend myself better. But on another thought, he might call the security and psych unit to drag me away from the scene since the wounds would deem me mentally unstable.

Eventually when people were leaving, the tutor gave me a stack of tiny memo papers with hand written questions for me to answer individually. The tutor was quite patient in going through the questions with me, but I was quite impatient starting in Q2-3 because I was already late for Arthur's session. (the starting time should be the original ending time of the exam) At the end of the exam, I checked and I was already like only having 10 mins remaining for the session. I was really unhappy. I was in sassoon 3 1/F junction and met Arthur, along with Heather and a few others from our group. Arthur dialed a call and told (prob his sister) in english that he just found out his 90-year-old grandma had an affair outside and they had a 21-year-old daughter! Heather overheard and yelled, WHAT? He also babbled in another brief phone call about hooking up with clients, and I was thinking I hope the next person would be me.

I continued my way to the therapy room but I looked back and saw Arthur signalling me to come. There wasn't much time and we two were going to get food down the escalator at the McDonald's while he started asking me how's my week.

classy bday dinner

#secschool #jy interesting combo (6-person table): [ Arthur, Jasmine W, Cherris Y ] [ me, (i forgot), Charlotte C ]

Cherris and Charlotte were the two birthday girls Cherris had a fancy mango birthday cake. I'd describe it as “designer-style”. Same went for Charlotte with a blue birthday cake which looked very dope. Jasmine introduced Cherris' cake for us. She mentioned it was designed by JY. (She actually pronounced the full name in the dream). I immediately felt a bit uncomfortable and a bit queasy while holding my fork, and my hands were a bit numb, shakey and uncontrollable when I was trying to hold a knife and swap my utensils around while listening. I looked up to see if Arthur noticed, but I couldn't tell. Actually I didn't think he immediately realised that's the name. Yet I comforted myself saying perhaps he pretended he didn't notice because they didn't know about the therapy.

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#arthur

I was having a classy lunch at my faculty (kinda like high table dinner but not exactly) and Arthur came to my table. He sat down and we were chatting (in a therapy way, not a casual way).

And then a small kid came and asked for my phone for him to play. I firmly said, No! But then Arthur took my phone and gave it to the kid. I was pretty upset. Then he spent his time on the kid and some other errands (e.g. replying his research students) he had. He was apologetic but I was very disappointed because this was meant to be my session.

He later went to a small lecture theatre to meet up with his research students to discuss on their projects. I followed him to stare at him. He was marking stuff for his students at the back of the classroom. He apologetically told me he would mark mine soon (as I handed in mine previously but he was marking and returning stuff students just gave him). I saw his handwriting was kinda familiar. The way he wrote english was like Beatrice’s, kinda regular and obedient. The style he wrote his chinese was like me but slightly messier since he was in a hurry. He was writing 煩躁 in a sentence and he got slightly annoyed by the many 口s in the 品 part of 躁. I laughed and told him I got annoyed at the same part too!

And then I still kept on staring at him until I felt like I had some other things to do so I left the small lecture theatre.

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#T #arthur #pblmate #charlottec #mum

In master bedroom of old home Mum wanted to drag me out of bed to have lunch Me hugging blanket and didn’t want to Leg was a bit painful and itchy from her pull and poking I finally used my foot and pushed her out of room and locked the door I checked my legs and were full of red tiny scratches I sat by the window and looked down (just look, no suicidal ideation) I phoned the office and chatted with Ming

I got down and met up with Alex and Monica where we go for a walk, and we also met Ming We walked tgt and they chatted with me Monica shows me her healing/ healed scars on her forearm and I took a close look. _{(I suspect this triggered me and I was in a terrible mood for the whole day and relapsed)}

When we were returning and after crossing a street we found a little pop up booth distributing candies by the brand of Orange. We got our packs of candies and I started eating. (Actually the candies looked like pills and I feel like as if I am overdosing.) Arthur walked to the booth as well in an orange tshirt, I laughed at him for the orange tshirt but I didn’t tell him it was because he looked like a mannings employee. He was chill and just shrugged lol.

Walking back I received messages in a WhatsApp group chat of me, Charlotte C and Monica. Monica wanted to self harm. So I shared some reasons of why I didn’t want to and methods I used when the urges come, hopefully she can try them out or develop more of her own.

me as babyish newbie at office

Wore pajamas and carrying piles of stuff in a very clunky manner to my new seat. Everyone was wearing suits and working elegantly in this gigantic office, almost the size of one floor of shopping mall.

I was moving my stuff and saw a vibrator on the floor, it was mine but I didn’t dare to pick it up or else they know it would be mine. I felt awkward walking by in my pink pajamas and seeing that pink vibrator bc it made it obvious that it’s mine

Anyways after moving my piles of machines..?? I went back to the spot and the vibrator disappeared. Later people were gossipping about the mysterious vibrator, who brought their vibrator to work and who was so horny. Alex also brought up this topic to me and I told him it was actually mine lmao.

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buying macarons

At a bakery stall. I wanted to buy some macarons. Asked the dream friend next to me if she wanted to buy some as well, and I’ll talk to the staff on behalf for her.

There were like 5 flavours, white brown and some rainbow colours in between (* it changed later on). I got a little paper pouch to hand to the bakery guy behind the counter. I found there were already some inside of brown flavour, and told the bakery guy about it. He asked me how many were inside. Originally I said wow around 5? Cuz it looked so big and many. I handed the pouch and the guy was talking to a female staff nearby and he said there’s one. And when I thought about it and imagine it from multiple angles I saw 1 giant cookie of irregular shape. It just seemed like 5 but isn’t.

The bakery guy was very chill and easygoing and he said he’d take care of it and asked for our order.

I asked my dream friend how many would she like, she said 3, so I was also gonna order 3, making 6 in total.

She picked a brown one and I picked white – we picked one each in turns to make it more fun.

Later the flavours were changed to multiple whitish brown flavours on top of rainbow ones. There were like oreo, toffee, caramel, hazelnut flavour etc. Looked quite yummy and I was planning to pick hazelnut next.

waiting for meetup and observing a class

#uni #mum Me and Stephanie K discussed previously via text about a meetup time to get her notes or whatever. It would be on a Sunday. I was having a day off on Sunday but I still agreed.

It’s Sunday. I finally showered and dressed up in my uniform and answered most questions from my curious mum (about where I’m going and what time will I be back)

And she said she can’t do Sunday and let’s do Monday before class instead. I was very annoyed as I was already about to go out And I looked at the calendar she shared and saw today’s time was monday before class. So I said then it’s now, let’s meet at the campus then.

So I headed to campus and walked into a small computer classroom with a full class of students and a teacher all using their desktop computers. I was curious of what widgets the teacher was using for her iPad, so I walked up to the big projected screen but didn’t see anything in particular. _{(that’s because it’s the screen of the desktop computer dum dum)(prob because I was reading a list of recommended iPad games before I fell asleep)} I walked right through and walked around to see what each of them were doing. The classmates and teacher didn’t seem bothered. I wondered if they can see me actually. But nevertheless I felt nervous to be the only one walking across a focused class.

I noticed the screens of the students and found a lot of them were just daydreaming and looking at their desktop homescreen. Some were using their phones and iPads. I thought it made sense because uni classes were boring.

I walked quickly out of the classroom.

(This is more of an interlude between the previous and latter uni class dream)

kirsty and sister lucia

#primschool

Entered a food court and there was a sister sitting on my left. After her sharing she asked a question to the floor: how does sister lucia’s saliva taste like?

I leaned towards her mic and exclaimed it is sweet- no it is salty!

She asked why would I thought so? And handed me her mic.

I replied, because in primary school sister lucia kissed me (in the cheek) so I (wiped the saliva off my face and) tasted her saliva. It was in the Chinese oral speaking class when she was teaching me. And then a few years later she kissed me again so I tried the saliva again. _{(… sacrilegious) and in the dream I didn’t verbalise the brackets bc I thought it was unimportant- but bro it was a different scene}

Everyone in the food court gasped.

And then the sister and a classmate nearby asked if I know someone called 陳彥同/童. I was confused but then realised she was Kirsty, my p1 neighbour in class! _{(well actually now I’m not sure because this name seemed to belong to another classmate- but Kirsty’s name was similar)} And then I started crying as I said she was my first friend but I can’t see her anymore, she wrote down her email in a paper slip and handed to me before she left, but I lost the slip, and I have no other way of contact of her…

The people in the food court were quiet as they looked at me crying and the sister offering her sympathy.

I felt apologetic for dampening the vibe of the food court while I was crying unstoppably.

email reply from arthur

#arthur I went to class in my uni. As I was busy walking along some corridors at the back of the classroom, I saw something lit up at the side of my eye, it was my phone lying on top of my kangol totebag on a random chair at the corridor. It was an email notification from Arthur. It said “Third (title) [Arthur’s Signature section] See you later~” So I thought it was most likely a reply from my email notifying him I’d be late last week. The “Third” was likely Re: my email title _{(though idk why would it say Third, perhaps it was the third session in the dream)}

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#arthur

Today’s session was at Arthur’s home. It was my first time vising there. I was wearing today’s irl pajamas aka just a dress.

We were about to begin our session when he got a bit shocked and asked me what time would today’s session end at, and I told him 4 sth pm? Maybe 5 sth, and he was seemingly feeling in trouble and needed to do some work on his computer (i suspect I clashed the time with another client at 5 sth) so I peeked around his desk and found him writing his travel journal. He stuck a few photos of him at egypt, and used felt pens to write on the book. I was pleasantly surprised we have such similar handwriting. I looked around his other piles of paper and they are all written in colourful felt pens and with the same handwriting and so I commented happily to him that his handwriting was similar to me! Then I went to his other rooms for a while and saw his bedroom behind a closet door. I went in and kneeled on the bed. I imagined him and his wife on this twin bed and yet I am kneeling on the bed with my very short dress so I was horny. There was a mirror on the side and I looked at my curves on the mirror. I wanted to take a selfie of me on his bed but I didn’t take my phone with me, so I went out of the bedroom and decided to peek around the rest of the rooms before going back to his therapy room (his study room) to grab my phone.

I glanced and saw the kitchen at the very end, and towards the other side of the corridor it was his rather spacious living room with big shelves of books.

I went back to his room and he wasn’t ready yet. He wrote a slip with blue felt pen and i guess it was for the next client to tell her to wait, but after reading I don’t think it was for that purpose. But I couldn’t recall the sentence when I woke up.

I got my phone and headed back to the bedroom, however now there were much clutter in the closet, so no matter which closet door I open, I could see the bedroom just there but I couldn’t reach it because of the clothes piled up. So I eventually decided to try and step over the clothes to reach the bed, at least closer to which I could selfie with the bed, but at this moment Arthur came out of his room and called me. I looked back and saw him reaching out his arms. I came out of the closet and he hugged and carried me, and I felt like I was back at a very young age of kindergarten to early primary, when my parents still carried me like that and when I was light enough to be carried. I was lifted high into his chest, and I held his face. I leaned over, looking straight into his eyes and face for the first time. His face was very clear. I couldn’t read his emotions, but he was at ease and perhaps his eyes were smiling. I had a strong urge to kiss him. As I was leaning forward, I felt kissing on the lips was not quite good, so I eventually kissed him just by his lip to his right. (* like how a toddler would lightly kiss their guardian on their faces)

_{(I am not even sure if I kissed my parents like that before because I really disliked doing so. I only remember my dad would rub his stubble on my face and the prickly sensation of it. I kind of miss being a very young kid, but at the same time I don’t bc school was very scary and boring and pointless asf + I had ZERO days of decent sleep back then And also hugs are scary when parents throw you and you get that centrifugal force and it would constitute in most of your childhood nightmares)}

presentation

Did 3 group presentations, and every time actually I wasn’t sure which part would be my script so I had to focus intensely and when it arrived to a familiar slide I knew it was mine and I would have to start talking without preparation, and at the mean time if my part came too late I worried if I was freeriding this presentation and I would have 0 contribution and be reported (I wasn’t anxious about freeriding I was just anxious of getting reported) And at the third presentation my slide was actually not polished and it included a bit of my personal behavioural change project part rather than the group part so while I was talking I had to explain for it and transition to a brand new group part with elaboration

_{Dreams like this are really draining and it impacted my energy level to head to school not gonna lie. They are a bit too vibrant, or maybe because I put too much effort to perform well in my dreams too. I can’t help it though I think. If I don’t work hard in the dream it would turn into a nightmare. Also my friend told me recording my dreams wasn’t too sustainable because I spent a bit too much time on it, but I like it, idk what to do. I actually don’t know if I like dreaming or not- like ofc I like seeing my therapist in my dreams and it makes me feel better during the day but I’m thinking if my dreams were too vibrant although sometimes I knew I was dreaming so I wasn’t too scared. Idk if I need to get it checked out or sth honestly.}

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#secschool my f1 classmistress asked me about if she should use the starnote app for notetaking. Angelika popped in with her simple notes (post-it) and said this was written using starnote. In return she took my notebook and started drawing some calligraphy art on it. Friends^[1] (Elizabeth) were whispering to me it wasn't what you need because she was just writing US holidays like diwali. I said yeah I don't need it but it's fine I explained how starnote was unideal for her because of its lack of stability and risk of losing her notes. She thanked me. I sat relatively in front (6th column 2nd row) and I thought this was to monitor my behaviour since I was not too compliant in class seat neighbour preferred to sit with the person in front of me, and so they moved their desks and chairs and I am left alone in the double profile of seats, looked obvious and I feel quite alone there is a in class tiny competition and we were split into two groups. One half was the left side of the classroom where there were a lot of people seated so their group was large, the other side was mine with little people and already two that disliked me. I looked at the other side and found most of the “friends”^[1] I knew were there, cheering together. I was very upset with myself and I felt excluded.

^[1] These classmates were all in F2 especially the large squad (over half the class) which I had been trying very hard to enter but I couldn't. I suspect one of the reason was because I was already part of a small squad I disliked (# 6grass + when # A was still in there, and I wanted to escape from A so I tried leaving my group but that group didn't adopt me so). Or the other bigger reason was they didn't really like me. Idk :(

_{Starnote: bc I watched a redbook reel about it; US holidays and diwali: I saw it on my ipad calendar and deleted it; theme of what I really want for myself: briefly touched on therapy yesterday; f2 friends: when arthur mentioned the topic of being excluded in school I was thinking if I had any, but that time I didn't really feel much. I think I wasn't passively being excluded in f2 bc the choice of switching squads was mine. I don't think I really got excluded before. But every best friend I had had closer friends so no one ended up playing with me or doing projects with me, or having lunch with me (initially). But that's not exactly exclusion}

bj & sex w arthur

#arthur There were two rooms. There was one client and one therapist in each room. Though I think both rooms were managed by Arthur. After waiting briefly a client came out in one room and I entered.

The room initially had a hotel room layout. It was dim inside with a twin bed(?). Arthur was naked and lying on the bed.

So I decided to grab this opportunity. I hopped on bed and wanted to do a blowjob for him. (I think here his dick wasn't erected yet) But my hands were very cold and I apologised to him. He's okay with it so I tried rubbing my hands to make it warmer but it was still very cold when comparing to his erected dick. It was my first time doing a blow job and I realised how dry everything was- my mouth my hands his dick. I didn't think of using saliva or lube back then- anyways I tried and I guess he kind of liked it??

Then I sat on top of him and his dick went into me kinda smoothly. Maybe because I was quite wet. The room changed from the hotel room to the floor of our new therapy room though. However idk if it's my pussy too tight or too shallow or maybe I wasn't aroused enough so only the front part went in and I was a bit annoyed. I tried thumping more and going deeper but can't

_{Anyways I think this was the first time we were both fully naked in the dream, interesting. I think this was very linked to bc I fell asleep naked after masturbating this night lmfao}

escape game

#uni #exchange #mum #dad – initially a tutorial stage where me and another person were learning from a coach by rewriting her “codes” on our pieces of paper which would be the password to pass the puzzle with many ghosts and very poor visibility due to darkness and smog. The coach was the 2nd doctor we attached to in HHH and the codes were some Px (that was discussed in ytd's MH case session)

• then began the game with me and a few others. (actually this was the second time, I doubt if the first time was before the tutorial stage and we all died so that's why we started again)

random excerpt – ian – random girl invited me to waterpard (waterpark with a welsh accent I assume ??) to party, do arts and crafts, and do drugs together, i asked amy on the side how about it (bc I was a little bit tempted)

back to the main plot

• i had the special ability like 2 turbo boosts every like 10 seconds
• continue escape, through the back door of an outdoor carpark into the streets into AEON. Walked and saw parents shopping for groceries. I tried to walk past silently. Later I went to a noodles aisle. I wanted to try a tester with my chopsticks but a kid dipped my chopsticks into the noodle soup and I was incredibly pissed now my chopsticks were contaminated by the tester soup Then the mom of the kid came and chatted with me about this good noodle she cooked I was like yeah, (bc this mum doesn't seem like the type to apologise to the kid) And she was like eventually the noodle was a bit sweet because she added a bit too much of the sugar, and I was like ohh okay it tasted alright (actually I thought the noodle was too salty/ poor soy sauce that kind of flat salty), and I couldn't really feel the sweet after retasting although she mentioned. Then my parents arrived at the corner, I asked them why did they find me. Dad said I heard your voice and so we were searching for it and here we were! I was actually very annoyed but conflicted because part of me wanted them to take me away from the escape game and save me and give me some rest, but the other side I didn't want them to get involved in the game so I don't want them to intervene in any way

_{doing drugs: my friends were talking about this topic yesterday soup dipping incident: friend was talking about her friend dipping an uncleaned spoon directly into her soup. I was shocked bc that was trespassing my food boundary if that was my soup. Should've handed her the spoon instead of just directly dipping without asking. noodle maker mum with little kid: a mum was scolding her kid very loudly at the entrance of my building and I guessed I remembered it in the dream}

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