grinding with Arthur wowiowoiwoiwwo

#arthur

I think we were riding a bus home, and my friend was next to me too, but I forgot who she was. Later we were back at my home, at the living room. Somehow at first I went to Arthur's seat naturally and a little bit playfully and sat on the front part of his lap. _{(This act of walking towards him felt similar to how I feel when I enter his therapy room. It's hard to describe- like exploring a new place with anticipation of how we are gonna interact?)} I sat while I was chatting with my friend. I think Arthur feels a bit of tension but didn't show it, and then I also felt this “suggestive tension” going on. He didn't push me away or hold me closer, so I remained in the same position. He took his right arm out and I held onto his, and I took his hand and locked into his fingers. It felt really nice.

After chatting with the friend for a bit I decided to make things more interesting and see his reaction, so I readjusted my posture very briefly, and sat very into his lap in a split second and he yelped loudly (and jumped a little bit from his seat). His dick, although covered by his trousers, became harder and bigger than before while I was sitting on top of it. I also immediately felt aroused by it.

I think I was rubbing it for a while and he grabbed both of my arms or whatever. Then I held his arms, asking him to use them to surround and wrap my body more. _{(Essentially a bit like hugging, but in the dream I was thinking like a pair of wings surrounding/ protecting me.)} He twitched/moved/thumped a few times and I was very aroused. But I was hoping to change positions so I could face him and lean onto his chest with mine. But I didn't say so because what he was doing was rather comfortable and I wanted to continue feeling this way.

Later he led me to my bedroom. He was grinding me at the back, and I leaned forward a little bit. He grabbed me by my waist and thumped like two times, to which I was very sensitive to. I think I was moaning the whole time, and my conscious self wondered if I did irl, so I tried to moan a little bit and heard that one moan in reality. So it meant the rest of the moans just happened within the dream. I continued rubbing Arthur, hoping for more thumps but he didn't do so. But I felt nice nevertheless.

_{actually there are multiple dreams (different stories) but now I only recalled this juicy one hahahahahahawaawawawa I suspect I dreamt this one because I had english class with Mancy yesterday and we spent the time doing an online BDSM test. (We started the topic on it after telling her multiple people- including her already commented if I am ドM after sharing my bad trip story with the terrible classmate)... and my result is 100% switch 91% brat and 87% submissive- After reading an article I felt called out at the brat part- and I think Arthur can be a good Brat Tamer Though I think I prefer switch if possible- but in impossible situations im very much brat hahhhshasfhfjhfsdkjfhhahahaahaaaaaaa}

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im not interested in this dream but Arthur does eeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaahhhh

hugging naked mum & crazy AC controller

#mum

I was chilling on my bed in my current bedroom, around morning, with sunlight and heavy rain from the outside. It was like black rainstorm/ typhoon 10 type of rain. The street view outside was like the path which the shuttle bus took from Cardiff dorm to the uni. It felt like a school day but I didn't go to school, although I wasn't sure if it was because it suddenly became a holiday because of weather, or because I skipped it because I didn't want to go. _{(but such weather leading to class cancellations, and my own skipping class happened in the past two weeks so either way made sense.)} Anyways I felt a sense of relief but with an odd mixture of guilt underneath. So not necessarily happy, but happier than going to school. My mum came into the room and we hugged together while chatting about different things. I was on top of her, and we were both naked. I talked about my classmates, about my sessions with Arthur, etc. (Although a little voice at the back of my head thinks, I didn't mention anything about Arthur to her, how come I spilled the tea so naturally? It doesn't make sense, I shouldn't be doing that.) During the hug I guess my clit was on top of hers so I felt pleasurable sexually, while the little voice felt this felt wrong. _{(Idk why we spent so much time during session on this, didn't expect, I thought only Freud likes this kind of stuff but okay lol)} I wondered if she felt the same way as me, though she does not show any special emotions related to this. I also did not show how I was feeling regarding this aspect to her, as it did not exceed my threshold for such emotions/aka I can contain it easily, and it felt wrong.

Later she left to do housework in the living room/ kitchen. I looked at my room which has two air conditioners. The first one was working normally, and it is located at a similar spot in real life, while the second aircon was next to the first one, but this part of the room is expanded in the dream as well, separated by a wooden shelf, just like two ikea kallax shelves stacking on top of each other but the material is wood. I looked at the second aircon and found it to be operating at 4x degrees, which I thought no wonder the air blowing out is so hot. I took my remote and tried to lower the temperature. But the temperature panel dropped to -60. I tried to turn it up again and it went to 0 at first after a few simple tries. But I want an appropriate temperature, but it just jumped directly to 40 again. And even 50 I think. So I turned it down again and it went back to like -40 or -60, and the air con is beginning to roar and make cold air. I began to panic when I heard the aircon making such a sound as it implies the room is going to be unbelievably cold and I might destroy the aircon/ the aircon would explode or overwork and make a fire. So I walked a bit out of my room into the corridor, and called my mum to come back and help. She heard my call and responded in the kitchen and I think she would come soon, when the dream ended.

_{(Irl I had a lecture on killing cells using temperatures higher than 60C or lower than -40C just the day before I sleep, so I think it is related.)}

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probably not a dream? idk

being watched during sleeping

fuck! so basically before sleep I was very itchy again, probably due to stress, so I took a pill (hydroxyzine) that my UHS prescribed for me for the same symptoms last year, which may cause drowsiness actually I wasn't drowsy yet but then I slept because it was way past bed time

and then while sleeping I had a feeling that I was being watched from multiple angles- right in front of my face (I sleep sideways away from the door), hovering over my body/ face, and by the door. I know it wouldn't be my mum because the feeling is “a face” rather than a person, and it happened simultaneously which a mortal wouldn't be able to do so I don't think it is a dream because it seemed real, but I wasn't awake either. Actually I couldn't see or visualise the “face” but it felt quite real, although my logic told me it was not. But nevertheless I was quite scared... So in this half-dreaming state I scolded whatever that may be in front of my face to go away and fuck off, because people said usually if you are mad and scold at ghosts they will leave. I scolded intermittently when I felt like they were back.

I wasn't sure if I actually vocalised my scolding in real life, but when I checked my phone/ apple watch app, it showed some occasional loudness at the level of conversations during my sleeping time.

I hope it is just some side effects of the antihistamine. I googled and it said it may cause hallucinations but it is uncommon. (Although there was actually quite some discussion on it on reddit) And I didn't have any side effects other than drowsiness when I ate the same drug before, but I take it seldomly so ngl I'm not sure (once in a month/ every 2 months)

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finding and adopting stray kittens

I was closing my shop/ hostel for the day, when i found an orange tabby kitten near the pavement beside the door. There was also another black kitten in one of the rooms at the hostel (since the corridors are made of glass and the hostel room is coincidentally open). I took a pic of the kitten to alert the room owner. I picked the cat at the pavement where I was at after trying a few times to encourage it to walk out of the little hole it was hiding under the shop stairs/ platform I finally grabbed hold of it and the room owner also handed me the kitten he caught.

I found another kitten at the reception of the shop. It was already passed closing time but we decided saving kittens was far more important than leaving on time. Eventually we gathered all kittens (around 4), and put them in a basket to wash them, because they were covered with dust and dirt. The fur of the black kitten was spiky and the tips of all the fur were white. The fur hurted my hand and it was quite painful from holding it in my palm as time went by.

But finally we gave them a wash successfully. I looked away for a second and looked back and the hostel room owner carried the basket and told me to notice the kittens grew and became baby tigers. Orange tiger and black/ white tiger. And I was scared to hold them and they seemed eager to munch my fingers when I reach for them. So I don’t know how to care for them anymore. And the dream ended.

_{(Btw third day of school and today I already skipped the entire day. I anticipatedly pray yesterday night that I wouldn’t wake up anymore from my sleep the next day, and I could give up Arthur for it. But it didn’t happen, obviously.) :(}

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terrible gigantic argument with mum at wellness team waiting room

#T #mum #secschool

It is my birthday today. I felt a bit bad so I went to sit in the wellness team office. The waiting room was spacious. It was actually a big computer room. I sat there for a long time but couldn’t pacify myself, and my trembles continued, and I was still crying. So Vincci came and check on me. And she gave me a notebook to write what kind of subjects I chose during secondary school. So I listed all 13 from junior high and 7 in senior high. We carried this book with us to our uni entrance, and we sat at the middle of the slope where everyone would walk down to exit school. Ashley walked by and gave me a jellycat peanut keychain as a birthday present. She wished me happy birthday. Then I recalled (knew about in the dream that) it was my birthday. I was very thankful of her for remembering and the birthday wishes and I bursted into tears again. Some other old secondary classmates who also walked by said hi to me. After a quick while Ashley came back and apologetically took away my gift (which weirdly became a white plushy rather than the peanut), saying that she had recognised me wrongly and gifted wrongly. Still crying from receiving the gift, I was a bit sad but thought to myself that it wasn’t a big deal to be sad about yet I sobbed.

I think we went to a supermarket afterwards to check out on desserts yogurt and ice cream. _{(irl yogurt is my mum’s favourite and I’d pick ice cream.)}

Vincci was still next to me and we went back to the waiting room. My mum came to the room as she found out somehow that I would be here. Probably she checked my geolocation or she saw my notebooks, which I was deliberately not writing about therapy most of the time. When she saw me, she looked crossed, but when she saw Vincci beside me, she rose from the stool and put up a smiley face full of gratitude and thank her for taking care of me. I was angry and loudly told her to stop being so fake and put on a show when she dislike student wellness team _{(idk if she does irl but very likely, if she knows about it)}. So she scolded me back for wasting time talking to strangers and trusting them. That I was a total letdown and I couldn’t even study properly. I was furious and upset so I also stood and yelled at her telling her that she didn’t even understand how come my study is so bad, she never asked about my mental health and she ignored all the issues that I presented at home and those I told her about. She knew that my mind was so bad I was lost at school. I couldn’t even recall important stuff about myself. That I was in my room abnormally moody and I only showered every five days. I was yelling at her and getting very irritated every day and I never smiled but she didn’t even think anything beyond that! She only cared about the results I bring forward. But it was never me.

When she heard me yelling and screaming at her, it triggered her and she also yelled back with such explosive temper like usual.

At the midst of our argument, I also yelled at Vincci in frustration to see how me and my mum are both double-faced with such dramatic emotions. (To clarify the loudness is simply because I was arguing and I wouldn’t randomly speak in a low tone to another person. Not that I have beef with Vincci)

I’m too tired to write down our arguments, and I couldn’t remember them anyway. But we had a terrible big loud argument and my voice was coarse again. But it still did not reach her.

_{Maybe Arthur is right about I shouldn’t be expecting from my parents as we knew how they’re like. But I am lonely in this little place which is supposedly home.}

post exam driving

#uni

During exchange, I went to a distant place to have an exam, so a prof drove me there. On the way back I drove a part of the highway back with my riolu on my lap, and Cecot in backseat lol. But I got distracted by it after a pause of waiting other cars to pass- as in I forgot to start driving again and I became too focused on my doll. So Cecot said he would drive it and I sit at the back. Reluctantly (because I like driving), we swapped seats. When we reached the urban streets, I asked if I could try to drive. He said “you need more experience to handle the road.” I’m like ok Then I asked “how can I train my attention as I couldn’t see the rest of my vision if I look at the lane in front of me,” He replied, “by training.” I was left speechless because he wasn’t answering me. Maybe he was annoyed by my previous mistake of not focusing on the road. But I asked, “training?” in hopes of clarification. And he said “yes.” … so I asked “what kinds of training?” I think he was planning to answer, but at this point he already arrived at a parking spot and I had to get off. He asked me, “is it over?” (This part starting was all in canto) I asked “what do you mean by it, if you’re talking about my module then I completed it, if you’re talking about the exam then yeah?” And he repeated, “is it over?”

So I was very confused and kept thinking what’s over until I woke up.

But now after typing this down I realised he just probably wanted me to end the conversation.

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found Arthur’s wife’s 小紅書

#arthur #mum

(Before this happened I was shopping with my mum in the dream and we went to a little cutesy cafe and we can take film instant pics and mum took 3 and printed one; mum wanted to join my camera and i rejected and took also 3 pics alone and about to print one- but actually mum’s pics were all better than mine but I am a bit too tired to take again so I’m just editing one to be printed and somehow the below happened)

I found the acc when there was a hovering screen scrolling different Rednote posts itself on the side of the camera machine? and then I see Arthur’s face on the screen at the corner of my eye and im like holy shi wait whoa and i pressed inside and bam it’s his wife’s account

Wow god knows how excited i was so I kept browsing her posts which consisted of a lot of pics of her working env at bedside (elderly home or hospital??) and also a comsiderable amount of family pics and videos with Arthur inside. Arthur looked very cute and happy haha Their bedroom curtains were of the same pattern to the ones in my parents’ bedroom in the old flat which was quite interesting to me There was also a video post of him lying on bed and his wife sat on top of him but somehow in the dream I didn’t press inside to watch although I was a bit interested

And after obtaining such precious information idk how to deal with it because I don’t want to send to others so I just kept looking at the pics and trying to memorise all the relevant pics

But at the same time I was thinking to myself what would I feel about our therapeutic relationship after learning too much about him which I think I am not supposed to, maybe I couldn’t continue therapy, but I decided to keep scrolling lol.

It was only after I woke up when I realised it was just a dream

_{Btw I had a few other interesting (by which I mean they have a complete plot) dreams from a few days ago but I am too lazy to write them down they’re too long?? One was about starting new school year and finding new classroom with old secondary and primary school classmates and I was quite anxious about choosing seats but I was so relieved after finding people put their bags next to my seat which means they don’t hate me and they’re willing to sit next to me wuwuwuwu also the floor where my classroom was also has #jau ’s office but I decided to ignore it because it has already passed)}

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gang bang in me & my friend's home

#cecilia #mum #dad

_{The dream is a bit messy to recall}

So originally me and my best childhood friend, Cecilia, were observing a series of events unfolding: two main characters (friends) in their newly rent home, just beginning to set stuff up and enjoying new life in this cozy flat, but there was always a rumour in the neighbourhood that their floor lived a very scary muscular man. But so far the two characters haven't seen this man on their floor, and there were only like three flats on their floor. One day the two characters were walking up the staircase to their door, hands carrying bags full of groceries, and saw their flat were being broken into. And the muscular man walked out of the flat with a very menacing aura (im not sure if his hands were covered with blood too). The characters believed the man saved them, but were also very scared, not just because the man really looked like a murderer of some sort, but also upon realising the man was also living in their flat. In the dream I was guessing maybe they were living in different dimensions, so they did not detect each other's presence. _{(Note: watched a RPG horror game intro video last week with the theme of making warp holes and how the character was murdered with loopholes in the time dimension; and a weird shorts of a man trying to live in a 2D way in this 3D world- basically aerial shots of him lying on the floor and pretending to walk. So maybe these influenced the dream)}

In the dream, I was also sure that this was a movie or story I had watched previously, so I thought I was sure about how the story would end despite not being able to recall it. But I didn't realise I was in a dream. But I felt like this dream has been on repeat for a few times in the past (around secondary school era) because the door entrance was familiar to me.

Then the dream perspective has changed from us being observers to us being the two main characters. Some unknown time has passed in the dream and one day, me and Cecilia were at home when we heard someone by the door. We had the hinge that it was the muscular man/ murderer. We urged each other to look at the door hole but we were scared and we were running out of time. Quickly and eventually one of us (I forgot. I think I pushed Cecilia to look) took a glimpse across the hole and confirmed it was the murderer. But it was too late to hide as I saw him unlocking and pushing open the door.

_{... And then my memory for the rest of the dream became fuzzy} Upon seeing us, he didn't became violent or defensive, but invited us to a gang bang with a bunch of guys including him. We were still a bit scared so we agreed to his invitation. _{(I think this decision was also kind of influenced by how I was looking back at my scary Balkans trip with the girl with such! shit! personality! just before napping and having this dream, as one night I was a bit provoked by her usual dominant and rude way of speaking (she's actually scolding me for using google map because I led her wrongly with google map- just a 5 min walk, but she didn't tell me what to use instead and was backseating the whole time) my voice became uncontrollably babyish and spoke in a baby tone as if I was fawning. She told me to stop speaking in that way and I tried my best to maintain a normal tone and asked her wdym by that way, and she told me to ignore what she's saying. :P But I really couldn't control it and I was so ashamed of myself. Speaking in a baby tone pleading to a classmate who treated you like a fucking servant?? Unbelievably shameful. And that's just one thing out of the half month we were travelling together. I didn't even mention that one time after receiving her silent treatment, I went to ride the tube and my whole body was shaking so badly for the whole journey of like 45 mins from Euston Square to fucking O2 wembley and even after queuing into the concert and getting seated. Embarrassing as fuck. I hate myself.)}

Oh I was distracted. Anyways very soon the murderer's friends all appeared by the door and all are very muscular and tall. And I began to realise this looked different from the “story” I was expecting to unfold as the plot changed. Really looked like they were strong enough to kill us if they wanted. I forgot it was who's suggestion, but I was going to grab sex toys for use. I walked into the living room and saw my parents lying on the sofa bed. And I think my mum overheard a part of the convo so she named a few sex toy brands which I have never heard of (very sure they are just random names in dream). I ignored my mum's suggestion as 1 I couldn't hear what new jargons she mentioned, 2 I don't want to confirm to her I was indeed searching for sex toys. _{(Oh yesterday night Ivan invited me to come downstairs to had late night dessert and so I told my parents about it when I left home, and they suggested like 2-3 places nearby to have desserts. And I also sort of ignored as I don't understand where their suggestions were, and Ivan already had a spot in mind. Wow the plot was all interconnected in real life)}

Anyways starting from this part of the plot it became more blurry to me because it's hard to remember the whole dream... But I secretly took some toys? or what? but just sex related items. And we went to a room (idk within the flat like another direction to the door, or a random room outside the flat.) and then I started to become aware this is just a dream, and me and Cecilia got fucked by these (around 5-6) men.

_{I also don't know if it's related but I threw my vibrator I've been using for quite some time previously and got a new identical one two days ago and it is good.}

...... uhhhh

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hacked phone & ipad in max volume at Arthur’s workshop

#arthur #mum #dad

_{Bruh!! Today (yesterday) was one of the rare days of not feeling suicidal for the whole day and it ended with a nightmare!}

I was with my mum and dad, returning from our travels. I decided to catch and attend Arthur’s talk- I forgot what informative talk was it about- but brought my parents as well since it was the most natural to do so in that setting (it felt strange if you’re rushing to a talk but your parents are not included)

The info workshop was held in a shopping mall, next to a big setup for another talk. I sat separated from my parents. I chose a seat next to the big setup and much closer to Arthur, while I let my parents sit at the outlying areas where there are more vacant double seats, but with some sunlight shining down as their side was in a half open area and no ceilings above.

I was just seated and shortly after, an auntie with two young male kids (around 8-10 years old) came, the auntie sat next to me and the kids opposite to her, I used the opposite seat of mine to put my bags so it was empty. Then Arthur arrived. I saw his steps and smiled _{(I didn’t look at him directly so I actually didn’t see his face or the upper body, just like that time after EY gala day)}. He went to the back to test the setup and probably microphones.

He turned on some nice music that was easy to sing along. After maybe like 3 songs suddenly my phone began to blast loud music and I couldn’t turn it down. I tried putting the phone between my thighs and shoved a cushion under my seat but it was of no use and still very loud. During the split second while I was putting the cushion I related it to my habit of muffling the sound of my vibrator. I didn’t feel much other than thinking it was a bit odd to do it in public, but now thinking back I felt a bit embarrassed. I kept this posture while I quickly check my phone, there was a pop-up notification saying something like login/ registration failed and about 5 accounts or what (I forgot). So I immediately went to check my apple id as I suspected I accidentally authorised something and let foreign ids to use my phone. At this time, Arthur’s music was already paused so I was even more stressed as I felt everyone was waiting for me to fix my music. But the auntie and the kids appeared very normal, the auntie was minding her own business while the kids were playing around as usual, and they had not batted an eye at me even once- as if they had never noticed the music. Back to the phone, I found quite some accounts linked to my phone. Because of time and difficulty in manuvering the phone (dim screen and buttons kept flickering), I only managed to delete two of them which were the most conspicuous on screen and sounded the most suspicious. But the phone kept ringing and getting more and more hot. So I tried to force turn off the phone but it took me many tries. While I was turning off the phone, my iPad started to blast loud music too! Luckily the music on the phone ceased so the two songs were not overlapping so it was not as disastrous and chaotic, but still very bad! I tried to turn off the iPad using the same method but somehow it was even harder to swipe the power off toggle despite having a bigger screen, as if the touch function was not responding intermittently so I can’t “swipe”. The iPad also began to turn warm. Anyways at this point I was super stressed and my heart was pounding and began to notice the songs around me aka from my irl headphones and woke.

_{(Btw the HRV and real-life stress function in stresswatch can really visualise my irl bodily sensation to the nightmare lmao… peak heart rate of 96bpm while asleep just before being fed up and waking up)}

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may 21

xm6 gift

I dreamt my mom or whoever gifted me the newest sony headphones which is the xm6 lol

may 22

moaning lady

#exchange

I was having this dream of me having dinner with my friend, Jenny, at the canteen which is a 5 min distance away from our dorm. (I showed her the estimated time in the google map was 5 min but when i pressed for walking details it showed 25 min so idk) We planned to go back with the rest of the people in the canteen later when the rest are leaving (it felt like a group travel tour that sort of thing) I used my laptop after dinner and accidentally resumed a video in full volume. I quickly hit pause but someone in the queue for fetching food (Pretty sure it is either Beatrice or Louisa) said oh that's Donkey Kong music! And then a teacher sitting at the teachers desk (a corner) near the food bench asked if I wanna play it in the classroom. It seemed like B or L was interested, and the teacher was actually genuinely asking so I said sure. My laptop magically connected to the speakers of the canteen, and I played the video. And I looked around to come to the realisation that this was actually once a music classroom thats why we got like bass speakers hanging on the ceiling of different corners. And the teacher said yeah it was a music room as well!

I ate a bit of the “slice” of the fried chicken “patty”? from Jenny's homemade burger- the McSpicy Chicken Filet _{(I actually went to google what's 脆辣雞腿包 in english lmfao)}

The music got a bit loud despite me adjusting the volume of my laptop and the video to 1% only. So I raised this question of how to tune it down to the teacher. She said I can put the cross to the volume settings on the music room computer. I did and understood that way the bass speakers won't be playing the music and the music would only come from the main computer of the room.

At the mean time, I ate the rest of the unfinished slice of the chicken Jenny offered me. Then she also gave me a portion of the bread and the veggies of the bun (either by hand or with a bowl). She fed me sweet potato fries using her fork directly into my mouth swiftly and smoothly (it felt like how my mum fed me stuff when I was small- Jenny was kind of skilled ngl). I felt thankful to Jenny for the food and how she fed me. The teacher began to put on a video she was personally interested in without interfering with my Donkey Kong music, but at this point I don't think B and L were interested in listening so I turned it down myself asw. The video is about promoting Lady Kim Chung Un (wow will i get cancelled)'s thoughts. (yes, Lady). By featuring an old lady who was doing gratitude exercises in front of the camera. She shared how we should be thankful of 6 out of 7 (or 8) things in our life. (like on average). When I was listening to that, I was thinking, if she said like we should be grateful for 6/10 things I would be persuaded, as you will be thankful/ happy for the “majority” of the things that happened cuz 6 is larger than 5, but then now it is out of 7-8 rather than 10 and that is unrealistic to implement. The old lady in the video kept thanking different stuff in a sustained high voice, and even high later. To the point I thought, is she moaning lol?

And then. Cuz she's moaning too much. I woke up. And actually the moaning is from the dorm room upstairs.

_{This is just so funny I have to write it lol}

---

_{Speaking of upstairs (and opposite door) with the increasingly active sexual life (I think it's because of finals season). On one hand it sort of validates my previous year of being super into masturbating, I thought it was just me but nah I wasn't abnormal.}

_{But two days ago also hearing this I was immensely triggered (it's not about the moaning, but rather because of the shit sound absorption of the house, every bed and step move upstairs projects directly down onto my bed as we have the same room layout, and I unavoidably imagined the prof dude or whoever just pressed down on me again and I can't escape and fucked or assault me again and the worst thing is the guy upstairs laughed in a chuckling way which the prof dude also liked to do!!!! and it fucking triggered me so much- but the upstairs dude was innocent ik but it's just my ptsd at it again) (they fucked harder because 520 is a special day in asian language) And so I lied in bed for the whole 1.5 days and I got back to being unclean like cutting which fucking sucks so fucking suicidal And then the next morning, feeling less suicidal (but more of a I-wanna-fuck-it-up), I tried od but I was being obedient by eating just within the safe amount so technically I didn't od. But dosing without any illness is also technically over- dosing? lol idfk (being obedient as I don't have fucking NHS and I heard it was slow as fuck and also 522 I had an exam so I couldn't just pass out and miss it I mean- I already missed my precious learning, not studying, time of two entire days! (oh i also started vaping i have no life essentially- i mean the whole house vapes so im highly influenced asw lmfao) and I also came to the awareness that I actually didn't recover lol and Arthur is right I will go back to therapy when I get back there- SIKE}

_{but anyways yes I felt a bit better writing it out, and today 522 the exam is not too bad, I think I will pass. Because I had a big brain moment and prepared for JUST the right essay question. yes I guessed the essay question (4 questions choose 1) right. I felt immensely proud (because i skipped the content of the other 4 lecturers and just dived into this one and briefly on another one). Not just the TOPIC but the QUESTIONS (like one essay question asking two questions) itself. I executed my answer with shitty poor time management so i only answered half of it. bruh but I will pass.}

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touched by strangers

Last week’s dream. Didn’t record it instantly so it’s now fuzzy. Anyways I was at a train station like Cardiff Central. (Or honestly York) I walked by the entrance and a couple of men sitting by the entrance teased me. I think I either ignored or rejected. And then one of them groped my breast. So gross

Woke up with kinda bad mood but im in a month long trip and i need to appear normal which is stressing And now when I began to establish my own boundaries i realised a lot of my friends lack the sense of boundaries (it was off topic but yeah) Honestly a bit bad and stressful trip And I resumed scraping my arm with nails again after … 3 months No sharps so no bleeding Still sucks Not necessarily perfectly clean anymore

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