tension/ intimacy w ivan

#ivan #charlotteh

Many things happened before this but I’ll start from here:

I was lying on my bed waiting for piano class which would be homeschooled When I look to my left Ivan opened my door and entered my room. He was wearing secondary school uniform with a schoolbag. He sat/lied beside me on the bed. We seemed like a pair of very close couple. I turned back to my right, feeling a bit warm and i think i was blushing. I wondered if he will get closer to me. He turned to my side and I felt his face was very close to me, as if his breaths can be felt by my ear. We were sure we were just friends, but it was the first time I felt that way. Yet it was the first time I had such a feeling to gay people, and I was also thinking how come he would be “interested” in me, a woman.

At this very intense moment when we were both anticipating each other to be more intimate, mum came back home and opened my door. All she saw was Ivan sitting appropriately on the bed in his school attire. I explained to her Ivan just came. Mum seemed ok with it and left the room.

Then it’s time for piano class and we (or me only?) had it. On WhatsApp Charlotte hon told me she’ll wait for my class to finish before grabbing dinner together. During the class I was thinking then she needed to wait for so long for me but i was busy in class so i couldn’t reply to tell her about the time my class will end and tell her to think if she don’t need to wait for me. After a long class I finally met her but seemed like she also had a class soon.

_{holy fuck he’s just a friend but i read and ahem enjoyed an erotic literature ahem which coincidentally was my name + his and I sent to him lol so the dream probably came from that but although the story has his name i didn’t imagine the person as him aarrrrjakdhkasjks}

_{nani the fuck my mum said she dreamt I brought a guy back home who is not tall (ard 5cm taller than me) and not slim but not fat either I told her i dreamt about ivan She said but ivan is gay I said why is that related She said because usually people bring bf gfs to see parents I said oh u mean seeing parents in terms of bringing a guy back She said yeah and the boy has pale skin I said ivan also has pale skin Anyways she began to said he’s probably lacking love thats why he’s gay and asked me about ivan if he is doing girl or boy role in a gay relationship So I reeducated her about being gay is an inborn thing and told her not to care about ivan’s love life}

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I grew big seductive boobs !

These happened over different dreams in different days in the past week. But because I was demotivated to write them down, I forgot all the details but only the gist.

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Very mad at parents for them signing me up to a master's degree that I had no interest in and I didn't want.

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Mum is a tailor. One day she forced me to wear one of her outfit in her shop which had an open design on the street (putting her goods on the sidewalks). I wore and so many men looked at me while they walked past. I looked at myself at the full body mirror by the sidewalk and saw that the tight dress is semi transparent and the material was like stockings. I saw I had big boobs, and the nipples were quite visible. I looked and looked and found them quite seducing and pretty. Mum found out my dress was semi transparent and she told me to take it off. I thought I wore it enough and I took it off and put it on the ground. But later I miss the feeling of wearing it and seeing my breasts and showing off to the men, so I wanted to wear it, but some smaller shopkeepers girls said no and prevented me from wearing it while I was trying to put it on.

_{(After waking up I started to understand why people like big boobs. They have a motherly characteristics that are special to women.)}

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Next day (dream) I had class at uni which was kinda long, uneventful and boring

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city tour and mum stuck under snow

#mum

Went on a guided tour to some American places, and got allocated to a little house in a secluded land, and then we (the whole tour group) are going out for meal and a walk outside. Tbh only the house part feels American, the rest feels like UK and the place we went to visit outside somehow gave me the assumption we were at Kai Tak near Airside.

After prepping what to pack for the day trips using my notion lists, somehow the scenery changed to a snowy place on a street. Feels Korean. Me and mum were at an underground tiny store selling Valorant merch. Then we had to climb out of the store which was pretty narrow. I actually have already done it once before, and this time I am going first again. After squeezing myself out I looked around and looked back to the hole I came from, which was a bit collapsed into the snow. I helped getting the snow out and I saw the hands inside (presumably mum) also trying to get rid of the dirt and snow and water that got inside the hole. I was a little bit worried because it might suffocate mum, so I continued helping by taking her snow and putting aside on the ground. But later I got distracted by other things around, such as a queue waiting for the shopping mall lift, and some brighter bigger stores (with Valorant logo lol), so I went to take a look. Later when I was also queuing for the lift, mum was behind me so I pleasantly said oh you got out of the hole !! And she's like “yes I did”, and I looked at her and seemed it was a bit difficult though judging by her face but she didn't really commented on that

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late night walk with friends

#sushiro #charlottec #arthur

Our squad, sushiro, went on a late night walk on the streets/ near the promenade for sightseeing purposes. _{(Probably because my another squad had a gathering at SYP + Ktown promenade last night)}

We walked past a bunch of different things by the sea, for example, you can shake hands and interact with sealions and animals that were chilling there, visit small stores whatever. It was a blur after I woke up, but one of the things I had the biggest impression is shaking hands with a new creature, a “sea-seahorse” (the size was like a fat sealion with coarse wet skin that was 180cm tall, with the beak/ mouth part similar to a dolphin, or a horse??). This sea-seahorse introduced himself to me and we shook hands, when he noticed my scars on my arm. He said he saw the scars, so I looked down onto my arm and saw my scars glittering in many different colours, with tiny stars popping here and there. It was very pretty, and it was a stark contrast to the darkness of the late night especially by the shore where there isn't much light. I was very touched and a bit glad and replied with a slight exclamation: You saw it! You are the first one so far who noticed! My other two friends of the sushiro group were busy chatting with other sea creatures on my right so they didn't noticed our interesting conversation and they still didn't know about the scars (on my left arm).

After a while of walking, we went to sit at a table in a building (I forgot if it's a restaurant or Arthur's clinic). There are also other people sitting at other tables. We were just chatting and I asked Ruby how to do the fingering (cuz idk how to finger myself pleasurably). And then Ruby just flip up her skirt to demonstrate. Me and Charlotte were like aaaaaaaaa fr here???? But Ruby was like yeah And I guess me and Charlotte's exclamation attracted the attention of the table behind me aka in front of Ruby and they can easily see Ruby's stuff from their perspective. Anyways Ruby demonstrated. aaaaaaaaaa

Later Arthur came and I said hi. He saw me. But I am not sure if it's because he was supposed to be working with Ruby this time, but he was quite focused on chatting with Ruby (she was sitting properly now), so he didn't reply to me. After Arthur and Ruby chatted briefly, we four began to watch the TV they had in the room, which was an unboxing and introduction video to a leather wallet. Coincidentally, I had the same wallet (but slightly different texture in the inner compartment) in the dream so I tried to show and tell them about me having the actual thing here! But they didn't respond and kept watching the show. I think Charlotte looked at me for a bit, Ruby too, but Arthur completely ignored me and was chatting with Ruby about the show. I tried to attract Arthur's attention in other ways I forgot (but definitely not the seducing kinds) but he didn't even bat an eye. I was too bored and a notification popped out from my phone. A rare strong pokemon showed up in pokemon go. I wanted to tell Arthur but by this time I kind of given up because he was likely to be ignoring me. So I was playing it and I felt a bit ashamed and useless because my hobbies are all the same as his and I don't have something I am interested in organically by myself.

There were three battles before I can catch the pokemon and my pokemons died in the battles quickly so I lost it. While I was playing that, they seemed to be done with their business so I was following them (sushiro) back into the streets.

working in hotel mart cashier

#mum

Then I entered a hotel and after checking in to my hotel room, the hotel gave me a job as the cashier helper for their mini mart by the reception. Basically those are all self-serving cashier kiosks and I am just a helper, so the workload was pretty simple. I was registering new products to the cashier, which are four different kinds of earplugs from Sony and Apple. I was also teaching my even fresher staff how to do these and one of the staff is my mum (but I wasn't surprised at all in the dream). I tried to listen on one side of the earplugs as I was registering them because I was curious on how they sound. And my mum also tried out some too. But eventually after finished registering them on the kiosk we were reassembling the earplugs back to the case, and matching the series and colours, but couldn't find most of the missing earplugs that we wore. So I was very confused because after wearing those one by one and only choosing the left side and placing it on the kiosk bench with care, it was impossible to lost them. And the dream ended.

_{After waking up I think maybe my staff were wearing them and forgot to take them off, idk bruh}

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A’s family doing crappy shit to me

#A

Seems we lived near the same big train station

Often A’s parents would look after me when my parents weren’t there, because I have the task of looking after A’s younger sister when they were away But the way they look after me was pretty … not well They like to take away stuff I earned with my effort to give to A and her sister instead

A’s mother and A were the one taking away my stuff and sort of bullying me in such ways? While A’s dad wasn’t the one really doing it. Usually when I met A’s dad I would report on A’s sister’s recents and updates as it is part of my job, and we would also chat. Her dad was proud of A’s sister, which I found was rather heartwarming. So I was contemplating if her dad was less evil than her mum and her, but then they come from the same family. So I couldn’t really trust him and change my view simply because of how her dad presented.

The “bullying/ unpleasant events” persisted but eventually they set up my study desk which is kind of a sunshine yellow colour for me, as a reward for my job, and because I need it for my academics as I grew up. Although they again took away some of my stuff But it was better than my parents who weren’t available for me

I felt complicated and unpleasant. I’m not sure how to react to it.

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after class and protecting stray kitten

#arthur #mum

After class we were all packing our schoolbags We were also distributing some discount sheets for some particular people in the class including me in a hurry so it is not obvious. The sheets are related to extra classes (or therapy) Arthur is teaching/ giving us. I passed mine to Chi Nok who was beside me, because in the dream I thought he was in the class too, and I thought I’ll get another one, but the last sheet I got is a promotion cover sheet instead of the discount coupons which I was actually supposed to keep. So basically I gave my coupon away. I was like ah it sucks a little but idc.

I walked home on the bridge from my old train station, while thinking I’m going to commit once I got to my estate. On the bridge I saw my mum walking towards me, which was a coincidence, she talked to me about something I forgot now, but I found her annoying because she disrupted my suicide thought and I shooed her away.

I needed to walk past a little garden and an old stone bridge across a little river in order to reach my estate, which was kinda interesting. _{(the feelings reminded me of my exchange dorm and the scenery reminded me of tsinghua for some reason?? although they dont look alike)}

Reaching my estate, the scenes were familiar like in some very old previous dreams. _{(Now I think it was similar to my dreamed 家維邨+ kindergarten/primary hybrid scene)} I found a stray kitten alone just chilling there, I picked it up because I was scared it would get hurt. I walked around pinching the cat neck to find a spot with more humans to place it down so that there would be more people looking out for the kitten. I walked to an area with loads of stray cats and kittens, they look calm but somehow I was scared the kitten would get bullied and attacked by them so I didn’t place it there. I walked to another alley and I saw loads of rats and hamsters kept pouring out of a sewer hole and I was like oh shit wow ew ah and then I ran away, and I saw the rats spreaded to the cat area but all the cats are just chilling when I thought the rats would scratch and eat the kittens for some reason. Finally after walking around a lot I was back to my original spot after recognising the little stone bridge from the start and walking over it. And I returned the stray kitten I have been holding back to its spot, which was the safest spot for her, although it wasn’t the most ideal from what I have been searching for. And the kitten was just chilling there on its own again.

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meeting wellness team at dining hall; arthur pacifying me after A's provocation

#arthur #T #A

The dining hall is connected to a big supermarket, you need to get pass the supermarket in order to get to where the tables are.

On the way I saw the wellness team walking by, seems like they are having some things going on here (like a booth)

Walked back to wander in the supermarket, when I saw A. I ignored her but I heard she called me. [my name], she called nicely. I turned and saw she holding a piece of patterned clothes thingy, but I can't see clearly because I don't have my glasses. She said, this is for you (sth like that), I think you would like it. I said thanks, and then I stepped closer to see what it was, it was newborn baby clothes. So I continued, but maybe you need it more, how about keeping this for yourself? And then I left

I was very scared if she would be following me so I was looking around vigilantly since then. I was almost there at the dining hall when I encountered A, but I decided to turn back with a different route to find wellness team. I got past the cashier and back to where they were setting up stuff previously. I saw Vincci and Ruth passing by. Ruth had earlobe earrings and I looked closer and saw she actually had 5 piercings on her right ear, and also she had some makeup (black sparkly eyeshadow!!!) on and she looked super hot, and I was breathing heavily haha. But anyways Arthur wasn't here so I walked back to the dining hall where supposedly the rest of the team is meeting schoolmates for briefing/ reg day stuff whatever

I was back and I saw Billy and another lady's table, I originally wanted to go there because at least they are counsellors and are ready, but their table is full, I was creeping and walking alertly the whole time as I was really scared of seeing A. But then they noticed me and pointed me to another table, where I found Arthur and another few unknown therapists are there. There were only a few seats left (I saw monika in one of the seats and some of my younger high school schoolmates on other seats), Arthur was talking to an old man with grey hair, perhaps an invited guest, and I took the remaining empty seat next to an unknown therapist. The unknown therapist seemed to left her bag and left, when I was looking at Arthur.

I guess Arthur saw my troubled face and he came to chat with me. He stood at the back of my chair and I guess he wanted to ask me how I was doing, but the schoolmates were already crowding around me chatting about their issues or whatever, so it wasn't convenient for me and Arthur to have a private chat. Arthur put his hands on my shoulder and I felt very hot and a bit physically thrilled in a pleasant way. But I was still jolty and looking for signs of A. Arthur put his left finger on my lips but I was scared people would see this happening because it wasn't supposed to, so I tried to turn to my right as it was closer to the wall. But he continued touching my lips when I turned back. He also put his finger within my lips and I felt i was beyond wet and weak now. Very intense but seemed the crowd of schoolmates didn't notice our intimacy. And I was still jumpy whenever I see someone who seemed like A in my line of sight. So I wasn't fully in the mood for such intimate actions but I sorta enjoyed it (didn't get wet or really aroused irl this time tho, I just had raised heart beat and feeling flustered) _{(I think I imagined this because I saw a super hot gif *nsfw? of a girl sucking a man's finger on tumblr and I was imagining that as Arthur's hand yesterday)}

school bus adventure on way home

#cecilia #uni #6grass

• nanny van with the auntie from me when I was Primary six

• ordering lunch boxes on van but no one wanted the salmon with white broth (white broth is not yummy irl)– the one sitting next to me asked don't you like salmon lol, I say not with this lunch set

• Went to centennial campus Lg floor/ or did we go separately? We had a lecture and after class me and a few friends like Vienne, and Monika were wearing green gown and discussing where to eat lunch.

• went to a big building as a middle resting point. We were playing in one of the toilets upstairs and cecilia find me making jokes a littttle bit suggestive so she pushed me out of the toilet for fun (we had fun), and then I went to the staircase to check at the irl time with my irl apple watch and found it's time to go to school so now im typing this

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mum's new partner

#mum

it was a long dream but since I didn't record it once I was awake, I forgot most of it. I just remembered my mum was inside and she has a new partner, which was a kinda naughty a bit chubby boy, which reminded me of someone.

After I woke up I realised this kid was a secondary school boy I met at Mong Kok mtr station yesterday afternoon, and I had a deep impression of this guy because he kept playing with his domestic helper's hair and making suggestive moves, for example we were riding down the escalator, he stood at the right side of the helper, and he he's trying to make his groin touch the helper's hip on the side. But that time I was still trying to figure out if it was a domestic helper or his girlfriend, since the helper was wearing rather casual hot pants with laces and holding an english textbook, and they both look a bit brown and I couldn't hear what language they were communicating with, so I was rather confused. But this “domestic helper” seemed to be quite annoyed by his action of trying to play with her hair. Anyways I was quite shocked by what I saw and I just thought the world/ Mong Kok station was rather fucked. I didn't intervene because I wasn't sure if that was normal between them, and I was scared if the boy would subsequently harass or unleash his anger onto me. But then I felt kind of ashamed of myself because I didn't lend a helping hand towards another person who was potentially being harassed, as if I didn't go back in time to save myself.

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new advisor & back to school

#uni #secschool

• used my skateboard and travelled very fast (on par with/ faster than the speed of other buses) on the street at night near either cwb or tst. i felt a bit free?

• academic advisor:

brief slip about your background (PMH) – i wrote about my PTSD and about to start EMDR soon, along with my suspected BPD

academic advisor is clinical oncologist _{(prob because groupmate shared he wanted to be one bc his dad died of cancer)} I walk up a narrow and weird staircase in a small building like alice in the wonderland to reach this office/ home of the clinical oncologist. the guidelines on the stairs are just red taped lines to tell you not to go past this floor etc but eventually i arrived, and an office lady/ his assistant was there to wait for me, she told me about previewing his room and make sure to lock it before he comes or else hes angry. we looked inside but the oncologist arrived, and he looked mad at the office lady, and she was apologetic and I was very scared and apologised as it was my fault. the oncologist ignored me and and office lady didn't look at me as well, as if she didn't blame me, and then they chatted like normal as if nothing big really happened. the lady told me to enter his room with him, and I went inside and chatted with him

he looked at my slip and asked me to tell him more about my ptsd. I tried to start recalling and narrating the scene (only did a brief description of the surrounding and about to start describing the incident) but I immediately feel (in the dream) that I wasn't automatically doing the dream and I was sort of pulled out and my consciousness has to come in to continue the dream like a lucid dream and i didn't like it. I apologised a bit to the oncologist because I couldn't continue talking about it. He says it is alright and you will have EMDR soon. And he hopes we can get better soon (or similar things like this), and i asked him “we”? and he say yes. So I was thinking if he was saying my unconscious + my conscious self. Then the little academic advising initial meeting ended.

Later I had to grab lunch at the “canteen” but it was the lecture hall. with my friends?? and the ppl in the hall were sitting according to their flats which was according to academic advisor. There’s a lot of people as if it’s induction day but it’s probably not

• meet matthew yip – asked me about my relationship with “her” – i thought he meant our lady but I looked up and saw A instead and i realised he was talking about A, and I said nahhh

• later? went out and saw shuttle bus to penylan from cardiff so i took cuz it looked familar, and after I rode it i found out it was going back to dorm.

• jamie holding my ipad mini and scrolling in my gmail in my very original game email account from junior high school . i was furious and kept scolding her loudly why she did it again, it was not the first time, she was also looking at my gmail when i was back then using ipad air 1 very very angry (but now thinking about it it was A who did it)

_{(ahh im quite anxious for next week's EMDR, it would be my first time doing it. I guess it is because I've finally built a stable enough relationship with my therapist aka trust him enough to allow it to happen. I heard it would be very tiring, but im not sure if it would also be traumatising again, I hope I can still comprehend sentences and not get lost at school after I started it and wouldn't be as bad as the real thing previously)}

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school and old friends and people

#secschool #cch #teacher

sports day See carrie and ashley and some others walking at most back although some ppl’s numbers were supposed to walk further back but they were walking with friends but im alone Walk to tst pier Floating and swimming was faster than walking See angelika waiting bus and we briefly chatted

Took pics with a blind student in fromt of miffy tourist spots at the star ferry pier with my storage card Took a while to access the pics in the card for preview in a public classroom nearby, occupied around 1.5 mins of a tsang’s time before her class

Went back to class at school slightly late- RS lesson, camille and others were doing group discussion alr, found out cch is my rs teacher I went back to sit at my usual seat by the door, but the people doing discussions were at the middle of the classroom I asked (forgot name- a kinda chubby 留班 student w glasses who dislikes sh chan) to confirm if cch is teaching us this year cch just finished taking attendance and walked out with the attendance book supposedly to put it on the umbrella rack

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