#arthur #mum #uni _{Not much dreams, or maybe I didn't actively recall them so a lot was lost}

抬頭又是湛藍天。

feb 20

Session w arthur after a long long time

And I spent the time scolding him for his incorrect thinking/ opinions and ideals that he had for a long time that I didn’t mention my disagreement before.

feb 22

Mystery man.

PBL mass session. Assigned to a group sitting in a rectangle. Pleasantly surprised the tutor is someone I know. He invited me to sit next to him. Turned out he manually put me into his group, haha. Later a uni friend of mine also came to our group and sit slightly diagonally opposite to me. I was happy, I guess he deliberately assigned him to our group too. I leaned next to him (tutor), I told him if he’s guiding the group then I would start to enjoy and love PBL lol.

I woke up peacefully after quality time in the dream. Who’s this guy? It felt astoundingly familiar. And the leaning as well. I’m not sure if I looked at his face in the dream, I probably did at the start, but not once I sat down. And which uni friend? I forgot as soon as I woke up. Feels nostalgic and warm, but a little bit empty because I don’t know/ forgot who they were but they’re definitely irl people. :(

25 Feb

random

Throwing up in dream Saw i have a pair of 麵包鞋 trainers with thick shoelaces

26 Feb

nostalgic touch

Meeting arthur for an informal session Sitting next to him at a food court Leaned my head to his arm as we talk He was wearing short sleeved shirt So I was also touching the sleeves as I was leaning and talking I also recognised the faint scent of him Comfy and cozy A bit nostalgic

A lot of different things in the long dream I think at some point I wanted to masturbate in this little room i got in the dream- and somehow this city I live in was infamous for messed up hostel rooms by too much sex by guests While I was setting up the pillows they were airing 春晚 on the tv as well- and a rather famous hk singer sang the lyrics wrong and switched back to the original lyrics in the middle which was quite obvious. While I was almost done with setting up I noticed the “door” is just a fabric curtain and there is a big angle where I can have eye contact with a random girl outside the door- so I didn’t masturbate

Towards the last scene I was drawing. I was drawing a train ticket. And then I planned to trace the shape of an (/my?) actual ticket onto the drawing to cut it out Dad offered a high quality expensive paper for me to draw but I need to cut it into a strip shape rather than a rectangular ticket I rejected the idea and after a few times and he let me be Later mum came and kept looking at me while I was doing my artwork I felt extremely annoyed as I told her to not look but she kept reappearing- I told her I felt like I am a fish in the aquarium kept being observed and supervised She said you are I told her isn’t there any other things you should be busy on, go work on your stuff But she doesn’t have other stuff to work on I was angry ans I was about to tell her then tidy our messy home- but at this point I became aware that I was dreaming, so I lost a big chunk of anger and I don’t see the point of telling her to tidy stuff in the dream. And I woke. _{I spent the whole day lying on my bed. It’s 2347 and I still haven’t moved.}

27 feb

scratches

I still see scars on my wrist/ forearm- 2 deep ones with the shape of human nail marks other than the light scratches with a blade i guess

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farewell/ arthur driving me home *2

#arthur

After therapy he drove me back to main campus where I can ride the metro/ more convenient. The first time I sat in the backseat.

The second time aka final therapy session I decided to swap to the front passenger seat because I wanted to be closer and see his face for one last time. I sat and told him now the scene from the previous dream where he drove me to his flat was reenacted and I felt amused. I took photos of the view outside from the side window, and ones from the front pane and selfies of me and Arthur driving. Though Arthur turned his head away every time I held the camera/ when he’s in the frame. I pointed it out and we were both amused. I think he was smiling. But I can only see the side/ back of his face.

I kept telling him to drive slower and drive to a few more streets before reaching my destination. I wanted to stall time as I didn’t want to leave. He said eventually I would have to leave though.

After a while, he steadily and slowly pulled over to the usual parking place in front of a temple (/ entrance of my uni??) where it was kinda crowded and lively. He picked a slightly more inwards (around 20m) parking spot for me to alight. I didn’t want to, but I knew I needed to. It’s time, he gently reminded me.

I was still sitting in his car when the dream ended.

---

_{oh geez im going to miss him}

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My recent dreams are a bit difficult to be recalled in full. They’re like pieces of shards

bicycle and school

#secschool #arthur

I got a small and handy bicycle. It had a white body and small thick black tyres. Pretty cool. It was easy to lift as well. Maybe I often used it for commute to and from school.

I think at some point in the dream in the school, I said my farewell with Arthur. But later on the street outside school, I saw Arthur queuing up to order food from a food stall. He was the second in line. There were many people queuing behind him too, including my secondary school friends. I was delighted to see him.

I turned around to do something real quick, hoping he would still be here when I was done with my things. But he left. I ran along the road and saw his back. But I couldn’t keep up with him and lost him.

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private session with Arthur

#Arthur #ruth

the setting: I was living in this city in a hotel with my parents (somehow I wasn't living in our home or my dorm). I had a hinge that today's scheduled session was in the morning around 10/ 12ish. So I was awake from around 8 or 9 in the morning as I was scared of missing it. My calendar recorded it as 14:00 though.

I went to sassoon road to revise and work. It was around 12:40ish when I suddenly had the urge to double check the meeting time. The meeting time was 11am. The 140 was something else. I mistook it and recorded 1400 as the time. I checked my phone and saw Arthur actually whatsapped me if I was coming around that time. I immediately replied, oh no I am so sorry etc etc

And his replies are like ohnoo no worries (something looking casual), and his message style is just like me, with kaomojis and emojis and cuter eng words. I was a bit surprised but happy. I was wondering if he was trying to mimick me and attempting to get closer to me/ into my world. And I welcomed it. I felt quite warm.

I told him I was free rn but i have class at 330/420? until 1830 and hes like he cannot do the session then cuz I have class, but said we can do it after 1800 till 2230. I'm like ooh He proposed casually we can grab something to eat together after 6, and then he'll drive me to his “old small office apartment” to have the session. Had to keep it lowkey or else he would definitely be reprimanded and scolded by Ruth. I replied (a bit excitedly), oh we're going to your home?? :O just before I type that, he unsent that message and gave me a smiley face He corrected me (playfully but slightly seriously), it is an “office apartment”. I'm like ooh okey (I could already foresee myself sitting in his car, driving after dark to his home, chilling after eating cup noodles, or takeaway street food together by the dimly lit desk, in a slightly cramped apartment, probably watching anime together too... And who knows what would happen afterwards. If he was not “making it happen” I would try my best to “make it happen” * wink *)

And then I went back to my hotel, and secretly reserved additional a solo room (without my parents). And I started playing with my doll – a Furret _{(I bought it a week ago)} – in that room. It was pleasurable. But I had to be conscious on not getting period blood smudged on my doll. (period was like day 4 ish, not tooo much but still quite risky smudging) And I was quite tensed because I was worried my parents would barge open the door any time, when supposedly that shouldn't happen as this was an individual booking of the hotel room.

I was relaxing with Furret while whatsapping Arthur at the mean time, chatting about random stuff, like buying what type of messenger bags, what we were up to.

— I woke up briefly. But I wanted the dream to proceed to actually meeting Arthur, so I went back to sleep. But the storyline didn't proceed any further.

---

I think it was because I forgot to attend the last day of an experiment, and that experimenter whatsapped me if I was coming. I missed it and replied in the afternoon, but she wasn't available in the afternoon, so I kinda ruined the experiment as the training had to be done in consecutive days. And I kinda like that experimenter, tomboyish. A bit like Ruth. and I think I ruined her impression on me. (cuz I was late for another day as well)

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bpd diagnosis discussion among wellness team

#arthur #ruth #t

I was listening to a talk about exchanging to overseas universities in the common area in my dorm with a dream guy friend (not irl)

(there was a university called ... tomato university in canada... and the girl who was tryna promote the uni was wearing a tomato mascot outfit... oml)

Anyway, the guy friend left right before the talk ends, and I helped him collect his handouts and worksheets and I looked back and saw Arthur sitting kinda diagonally behind me, using his phone. I looked at the screen and saw my emails (not irl) with him. (using outlook) The content of the emails were all conversations I had during the session. I asked him what that was, and he swapped to whatsapp and showed me a whatsapp group where he sent all our conversations out. He explained he kept the emails and forwarded them to a group with the rest of the wellness team, and this group is specifically to monitor? my behaviour through discussing about my words with him. (sentences with the vibe like I'm never gonna leave you/ just you/ previous “arguments”/ sentences about I like him a lot) I was checking the whatsapp group members but I couldn't recognise the people, as they are using their default names (not phone numbers nor contact numbers) which were all nicknames. But apparently that's the team. The group chat was kinda quiet though. Just him sending out the convos and occasionally someone would reply briefly. I suspect they were discussing in person.

Arthur admitted slowly but frankly that he thought I was a bit borderline, to which I said it's ok cuz I felt I was kinda this too. And I felt a bit recognised because I haven't had a definite answer from him before. But internally I was also slightly upset because they think I have such a condition.

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spooky lift, fake dad

#dad Dad came home from work. There was a ring in the front door. The back door opened at the same time and dad came from the back. We looked through the door hole in the front door and saw another dad as well. But something tells me it was fake, and i was more certain of it when dad was here from the back door It was supposed to be a cake delivery at the front door. And that person wasn’t holding any cake. I didn’t open the door for it. Mum also agreed, dad was just settling down after work so he didn’t really get involved

Later this person left and another colourful monster came. Didnt open After like 15 mins of it standing there, it left and another colourful monster came out of the lift and stood again Didnt open After a long 30 mins it left. And finally a young man carrying a colourful suspicious cake came. Although the cake was unusually vibrant and sus, i opened the door. He apologised profusely for being late because the lift was acting strange. I thanked him and immediately closed the door cuz I was scared monsters will come out of the lift again.

There were no monsters so far. And i was a bit curious so I went to the corridor to look at the lift. It wasn’t going to the floor it was supposed to. (Like in most of the dreams).

I think something happened and I kept trying the lift along with other lift passengers. The buttons on the lift weren’t even in order. And finally, I figured out. Button 31 goes to 4/f. (Like add the two numbers together). But some rules are like sometimes it subtract if the initial sum has a bigger floor number than what the building has. Anyways after figuring out, the dream ended.

second in marathon

#secschool #arthur Someone held my hand and brought me to a headstart. I was mainly competing with another duo of Zoe Cheng and (Ruby i think) (both very bright and competent classmates I liked a lot) With the person leading me, we were rather ahead. But later the person released her hand and I’ll have to continue this marathon on my own. I kept the pace but the duo was slowly picking up the speed because I sort of slowed down compared to before. When we were racing head to head, I tried to run harder. So I was a bit behind but not too much, like within 2 metres. At the final 100 m, I picked up my speed and ran full force to the finishing line. I think I was faster because my side of the finishing line was kinda closer. (It was a curve) So I was faster then them I think And i heard i got second (an unknown guy was the first with 1h 37m?) And i spent two hours exactly.

Random auntie/ meagan yu’s mum was surprised at my final sprint. I explained i kept some energy during the marathon just for it.

But despite winning I felt a bit empty because Arthur wasn’t joining this marathon, and I won’t be there to see his marathon race.

Japan shopping, unsupportive mum

#mum In Japan. At first i was chilling in my dorm with my roommate. Later mum came and interrupted us. And mum lied in my bed as if it was hers. And I just stood there cuz i had no bed. I felt gross for her to get inside my bed and blankets and touch my cushions

Later me and my parents went to an anime department store. Dad was supportive and walked behind me and shopped and offered suggestions although he didn’t really know the anime Mum was just trying to make us stop shopping and leave I feel unhappy.

I was trying really hard to find Rika / チリ’s merch in pokemon store but they only had figures and not the mats I was looking for. There were so many colours of the mats with different trainers and pokemons, but just not her. and mum kept telling us to leave so i was pretty stressed. (Mats as in like those children’s puzzle foam mats where you can buy one piece of different colourful pattern)

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roommate sh

#claudia I was just scratching and making cat scratches on my bed, and my roommate was sitting by her desk. Then she turned around and showed me her freshly cut arm with long cuts and blood slowly coming out like little droplets out of the lines I think she asked me something but I forgot (it was very graphic but I wasn't feeling much from seeing it??)

anyways turned out she was cutting but I thought she was revising by her desk ye _{(maybe because I think she stress herself out a lot and she got a fever by overworking)}

hon's letter

#charlotteh I was sitting at university upper street, and among the crowd walking by, I saw charlotte hon in her law cape ?? walking by. I think she graduated/ was graduating. I waved at her and she waved back. I was surprised and happy because so far I haven't seen her in campus at all since the beginning of uni. She chatted briefly with me and took an elevator next to me and went down and left, cuz she was busy.

Later I received a digital letter (hmmmm not email), saying things like, friends are meant to support each other, and asked me if I disinfected and how are my thoughts and to reach out to them anytime if I ever feel like it

I was touched, and at the same time wondered if charlotte c told others (like jamie and her)

exhibition fair with mum

#arthur #ruth #mum #caitlyn #cecilia

I wanted to go to the exhibition fair to buy something/ collect something from Arthur but mum kept bugging me like where exactly was I going, what did I bring with me and I accidentally answered wrongly and “invited” mum to go along with me bruh also at one point mum was saying something really stupid and I was frustrated and grumbled during my sleep- (i hope my roommate didn't mind)

and I tried to get away from mum once we entered the fair and I was pretending shopping until I saw Arthur by his booth, I think he was promoting his own organisation we had a brief convo and I walked around to check if mum was there I saw her also walking around and she saw me so we got together again, and I had to pretend nothing happened, and Arthur also just looked at us and pretended nothing happened between us

and then caitlyn's and cecilia's mum came and they gathered together later I think I had a slip of the tongue and caitlyn's mum kind of caught it and inferred that I know ruth, who was her therapist. I didn't have much to explain, I could only say oh she worked at hku cedars (LMAO), and I help out in related fields so yea

and basically they're chatting about therapy is good and caitlyn's mum find it quite rewarding and useful, and then Arthur came around naturally to have a chat/ promote his work I think at some point they also raised the idea of getting therapy to my mum mum was just treating it as casual talk without actually reflecting on this idea i think

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arthur's japanese lesson, drive to Cardiff

#arthur it was actually a therapy session. but later became japanese lesson and he's teaching me japanese in his (home?) and there were other students waiting for him to teach japanese as well (2 pairs of parent + baby, and another 叔叔) but he sat next to me and talked too long with me so one pair of parent baby left and he was like oh shit (cuz he lost a client?) but continued teaching me and then we leaned closer to each other i think his hands were on my breast and body I am also touching his hands and arms We loved each other. I actually wanted a hug from him badly, I guess that counted... so I was kinda satisfied (but not enough) I put my face next to his and i felt his “glasses arm” on my face? (I was wearing con so it wasnt clashing) so much tension and my heart beating quickly hehehehe he dirty talked slightly saying 你唔好喺度叫啊 so I 惡趣味 and moaned to him

later the lesson bell rang and he ended the lesson, the other “classmates” left (they felt like NPCs) and he offered to drive me back

so I sat in his car originally at the backseat his car was kinda big/ tall like those range rover type

I asked if I can sit at the front passenger seat (there was a tablet in front of that seat) he said there are some “male adult oriented tv shows” that I probably won't want to watch this piqued my interest and say bro i am adult too and idc so he just let me change seat

so i am next to him now

I think people who drive had very great charisma to me, they felt dominant and reliable (especially good drivers)

and apparently the drive was slightly longer than i expected cuz he was driving all the way to cardiff

during the trip we started to get silent as there was nothing much to say I began contemplating on myself and I told him im a bit 自卑 and seems that I am doing all this because I am controlling

it felt bad because i am affecting a lot of people by this controlling urge of mine and i only started to wonder if i am controlling after several psych app tests & others asking jokingly and I couldn't deny the fact that I think perhaps I am really quite controlling & all the stuff I did made sense if I associate the cause to this, despite thinking there should be a more “root cause” behind being controlling

and i think i got that because my mum was a bit controlling so I grew up to become controlling too, to try to get back what i deserve from her but i shouldn't blame her for me being controlling to other people/ everyone...

and then we drove past nottingham and i pointed at a building asking arthur if that's the place he studied before he said yes

later we arrived at cardiff but we decided to tour around before dropping me off but there were many stairs and our car couldn't handle that so we swapped to a smaller cart which he had prepared in the car it looked like a pram but can fit both of us

the tourism department spotted us and said there was an elevator service at 2pm every saturday? or wed? (anyways once per week) but for people to book in advance which is literally now but we didn't book so I was planning to carry the pram up the stairs, it wasn't much stairs anyways

but arthur briefly went away and came back to me, saying the elevator lady was willing to give us the elevator pass too so we rode the elevator in gratitude to visit the cardiff museum

predator (of a daughter) in museum

saw a man going after a girl. they were father / daughter they entered a bathtub booth in the museum and the father wanted to harrass the girl quite unsettling anyways finally the father got caught by security guard the daughter quickly escaped in fear

meeting prim/ sec school friends

#primschool I was at the mtr exit, waiting/ gathering for a physics exam soon, saw quite some secondary school people, and zoe cheng from primary school zoe deferred one year and was now in 5A (which means i am in f6?) (she was a very studious and bright classmate I looked up to in primary school – I haven't seen her since then; briefly whatsapped after release of DSE results) she deferred because she had a mushroom skin infection from drinking too much mushroom soup every day

later I realised I didn't pick physics as my elective, so I actually didn't have the physics exam, so I waved goodbye to Zoe, and we hope to see each other again soon.

---

I miss them

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no lecture in morning

In the dream I should have a lecture in the morning and a tutorial in the afternoon. I asked Claudia's bf about it (he also studies psychology) and he confirmed with me that today there is no lecture in the morning

so I was pretty glad about it and slept again

_{irl I only have the afternoon tutorial}

there was more to the dream but I already forgot when I woke up haha oh claudia also complained about my alarm in the dream, so I woke earlier to turn off the alarm

OH WAIT

farewell Arthur, locking arms

#arthur

AAAAAAAAAAA eeeeeehahahehehehahaa

At secondary school I was initially looking around at the corridor to see what other classes were doing. I met some secondary school teachers too? But the main point of walking around was to find Arthur.

It was winter time, and we were wearing dark colored down jackets.

I found him, he was standing by another teacher.

I walked towards him and greeted him. I thought I have something to ask him, he was like a professor or something. He put on a white coat and I thought it was ugly (it didn't match the outfit at all) so I laughed at him. He then put a black down jacket too.

Somehow in the dream I felt like he was about to leave to work on other stuff, but I didn't want him to go away after trying to search for him for so long. So I tried to hold his hand and talk to him. The secondary school teacher left us to head to her class, while I began to interact with Arthur.

As we were walking down the corridor, I wanted more warmth so I leaned closer and locked arms with him. We walked happily together (I think he was happy too??? at least I was super happy and he looked comfortable about it. He smilededddededdeddeded at me), although I knew eventually we had to say goodbye but I forgot how the dream ended.

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hku open day, can't find Arthur, convenience store

#jy #arthur (not there)

psyd biggggg hall

BRO i forgot to write the log

??????

ok went to hku open day. On my way to the lecture halls at cpd LG floor. While I was heading there, I saw the prof (JY) walking towards me and went past me. I was slightly concerned for a sec but he didn't spot me out. He looked a bit troubled though... _{(I think I dreamt this because during the day when I was going to help out at the mid-autumn booth, I saw him queuing at the Starbucks at the lobby looking a bit troubled. He was wearing a suit and looks much taller than I expected (like at least 5 cm taller from like 175ish->185cm or what, so I wasn't sure if it was him for a sec, but I looked at him for a few times and I am pretty sure it was really him. And he looked troubled again, he's like frowning. lol... and then I whatsapped ivan about it)}

Anyways, I continued on and entered the lecture hall which was the furthest down the corridor. It was super big like a grand book store. Super spacious like a museum but it's a book store. There was a mini section (like an area for talks in a book fair), and PsyD people were sitting there listening to lecture. I was embarrassed to walk past them cuz I was looking for Arthur who was possibly deeper down the bookstore.

He wasn't there, so I quietly/ sneakily walked past the mini section to exit the bookstore/ lecture hall, feeling kinda embarrassed.

Later I went to the convenience store with my friend, and we were waiting for someone. (I am not entirely sure why are we waiting though) While we were waiting, the dream ended.

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